You are not ready for a relationship. You do not want casual. You still feel the need to be controlled and have a master who takes it really slow. You want to be handled physically in a harsh sexual way, but also want to have no sex and no strings. You do crave the control and also the sex as long as it works for you.

Now typing all this, I see that your feelings are sometimes contradictory and therefore confusing.

Constructive advice: find out what it is you want and then go get it. If it is slow and harsh, go get that. If it is a master who serves you at least as much as you serve him, go get that. Finding someone who fits with all your requirements and fantasies is not easy. On the contrary.

There is a saying, I think a Chinese proverb: I went to find a friend and could not find one anywhere. I went to be a friend and suddenly friends were everywhere. If you apply this to your situation, be the girl/woman/submissive that you think this master you hope to find would be interested in.