So, my Master is not my husband. My husband is unaware that I am cheating on him, with my Master.
In an attempt to ease the (emotional) pain of having sex witih my husband I finally got him around to trying some bdsm with me. Him as top.
its only happened twice, in a couple of weeks, and he's done a phenomenal job, read all the books I suggested and then some, and he really is intimidating as a Dom. The second time, I thought he was really getting into it HIMSELF, and that actually turned me on. He gave me what I asked for, in spades. My butt still hurts from his punishment spanking! And when I laughed in his face at something, he actually scared me when he grabbed my jaw and said "I'll tell you when to laugh". He topped me brilliantly.
It was all I said I wanted, and more than I expected. I should have been thrilled.
I'm not.
I'd hoped that going this direction with him would give us a chance to stay together, for me to want HIM, instead of my Master. I thought that he could bring me to the same place that Sir does, joy, pain, lust, oh god so much lust...and peace, calm during one hell of a storm. He doesn't. We talked afterwards, about our experiences. When I heard him say it was work for him to act that way, I guess it really came as a blow. I was extremely emotional afterwards and just wanted to be away from him. The joy of being a sub is pleasing your master. If he's just doing it for me.....as convincing as he is.....it puts me back where I used to be. Dead and disconnected.
I know, it's only been two attempts. But I'm feeling sad because it seems like one more nail in the coffin of our marriage, and he is a great man. I should want to stay. I should want HIM. I don't. I want to run to Sir, but I can't due to financial (and other) trepidation. To tell my husband that I don't want to do this anymore, that we should just go back to vanilla, would confuse and frustrate him immensely, and also, vanilla sex with husband makes me want to sob the entire time. at least, during our two "scenes", I've been present, interested. Turned on,even, during the act. I just wish he wanted to top me.
If I could, financially, leave him, I'd be gone within a day. But its' just not possible. Trying to make it work, trying to bring some passion back is my desperation to survive the time I have left with him, and yes, probably some part of me also wishes to save this marriage. I love him. I was in love with him, madly, for a long time. But now, I only long for Master, and changing up my sex life with husband has not managed to kill that longing.
I know I'm contradicting myself, probably, not making much sense, many will say "Just LEAVE him and go to Nate, it will work out!". But I did that once before, to be with my current husband. Who is much more financially secure and can take care of me and my medical needs, my social needs, my companionship needs. And he's changed in so many ways (we both have) due to marriage counseling and a desire to stay together. How can I just up and walk out, into a very sketchy financial situation, to a horrid little town in a state far from anyone I know but my Master? They say "Love conquers all". It does not. I've moved to unknown areas for my husband, and I will tell you straight up for ME, it is agonizing. I guess I do not friend well. Especially not in small towns, and the town my Master lives in is smaller even than the one we live in now. I come from a place where being a nerd is the norm, coffee shops and Indian food on every street, Google and Invidia my ex employers, a bustling, GROWING city. Silicon Valley (the REAL valley. Not san francisco). Now I live in a cowtown of 44 thousand people, and it's a dying town. To move to an even smaller, even more depressed place is not an option for me, not if I want to live. Nate or not, my environment affects me greatly, I've learned after living in four different states from coast to coast with my husband. Nate cannot support me, nor can I work. The process of getting funding for my disability is long and difficult, and I guess at this age I am unable to take that leap of faith once again.
Sorry for the ramble, but I had so hoped for a different outcome with this change in our sex life. I thought it would make me want him again. But the heart wants what the heart wants, and a severe spanking, and ties to bind me, don't change the longing inside me.
So if you're going through the same or similar, you are not alone. I guess that's why I'm writing this.
Lost.