How Do You Play Online?

[Sagacious]

Having recently returned to the Library after a lengthy absence I've already noticed some striking differences between then and now. As one example, the actual forums don't seem to be used much now when in comparison, in the past any time you signed in there might be as many as a dozen new posts to read and discuss. Also, it seems at least from the few people I've met so far, the chat rooms seem to be what everyone is focused on now.

The question posed as the title of this post is one that has occurred to me. Any interested dominant, submissive or switch of course, is welcome to provide your take on it. I'd appreciate hearing opinions or experiences from anyone willing to share them.

Assuming you haven't read my initial blog post, my background in BDSM and D/s is real life for the most part. Just recently my first online relationship experience ended so I freely admit to having a rather limited view of it. I've had some rather interesting conversations with a few submissive women here that have piqued my curiosity and given rise to the question I have posed here. How do you play online? I'm interested primarily in the structure of it.

Clearly I may be making some incorrect assumptions. That of course often happens where assumptions are concerned. But the drift I am getting is that most people here seem to participate in the chat rooms. The play they have described seems to center on that. So at least to me it sounds something like a Second Life Virtual World experience or sort of like the old school IRC BDSM experience.

As one example, at least how I'm imagining it, a dominant and submissive decide to play, either in a chat room or perhaps in private chat. The dominant gives the submissive some kind of command, to kneel perhaps. She then types *Kneels submissively with her eyes downcast showing proper respect to Sir* or something along those lines. Maybe she actually kneels or does not but that isn't really what I'm getting at. My point is it just seems like a virtual role play activity. Not that there is anything wrong with it if the individuals involved have fun with it and/or find it meaningful, but frankly that just doesn't hold any appeal for me. It must be said that chat rooms aren't really my thing anyway and perhaps that is a part of it. Just for me personally, what I have described brings to mind those Gor chat rooms that were once exceedingly popular where the slave girls had to memorize and be able to perform the things called serves.

Another possibility that has occurred to me is perhaps it is simply like sex chat, the text version of phone sex only with a D/s theme and some kink thrown in. The dominant telling a submissive what he would be doing if he were actually with her in person and her reporting what the thought of that does for her. Again, nothing against sexy chat or phone sex for that matter but not really what my view of online D/s interaction is about given my, albeit limited, experience.

Having no previous online experience to draw on, with my first, my approach online was to simply to try create as much as possible a real life type scene or experience, within of course the obvious limitations of the environment. My former submissive and I began chatting and playing on IM. But it was never role playing. It never occurred to me to type something like "With an implacable, steely gaze I tell you sternly with a sneer to strip and kneel before me." It was far more direct than that. Likewise she never typed back something like *Blushing profusely, tossing hair defiantly, I strip and kneel naked before you* In other words it was all very real. Knowing her limits and respecting them, I told her to do what I knew she would be willing to do and she did it. I expected nothing less and it didn't occur to her that I wasn't serious about what I wanted.

It was at times a little clumsy with having only text to use but it still had the smack of realism. At times I suppose it took on the character of sex chat. I enjoy writing BDSM erotica and sometimes I'd have a story arc in mind and it would become pretty much the familiar "if I were there I'd be doing this to you right now" kind of thing. But we had already worked out in advance that if I said for example, "Right now I'm taking your nipple between my thumb and finger and pulling and twisting it cruelly" she knew I wanted her to perform the action described since of course I wasn't there to do it myself. It wasn't exactly the same experience but the sensations were there. She may have been doing the actual pulling and twisting but she was doing it at my behest and there was definitely the feeling on her part of having her nipple pulled and twisted as I had described it and so realism was involved in it.

Once we became better acquainted, once trust was established, once feelings blossomed we moved on from IM chats to Skype, web cameras and texting by phone. That made things even more real. I found that you could actually have an experience very close to a real life scene using Skype since we could actually see each other and talk to each throughout the scene without the distraction of typing. The only real difference was not being able to touch or apply a nipple clamp, insert an anal plug or wield a crop myself. I still had to rely on her to carry out the physical elements of my intentions but still it was satisfyingly real for us both.

Everyone has different tastes. I'm not disparaging what anyone else likes or enjoys, I'm simply curious about how far my limited perspectives on online play and even online D/s relationships might be off in comparison to the views of others here. I do feel that when I feel ready to play with someone new online and have the opportunity, I'd still want it to be as real as possible, not just a role playing moment or some kinky, sexy pretending. Maybe I'm being unrealistic. How do you approach it? Is it just a little good kinky fun to pass the time? or -- Do you actually get your Dom itch scratched? Do you actually have some really significant, meaningful submissive experiences? My previous approach sustained a 15-month online relationship but of course others may be able to shed some light on equally workable and successful strategies from their experiences with online.

Any comments or opinions would be most appreciated as I'm simply still sorting this whole online thing. My previous experience with it seemed to suggest some really intense and meaningful D/s interactions can be had online. But at least for me, to achieve that I need the reality piece to it for it to work. So for now at least, welcome to the Desert of the Real.

Cheers,
S

[cutielady]

I personally think that words have a lot of power and can invoke a very strong reaction. The mind can assilmate you can reach a subs body through her mind and I suppose that'd be true even in rt. Whether pleasure fear dominance or submission. Online role play is the only way to offer comfort and affection online. However, rt actions add punch. So I'd say its all of the above.

[Sagacious]

I personally think that words have a lot of power and can invoke a very strong reaction. The mind can assilmate you can reach a subs body through her mind and I suppose that'd be true even in rt. Whether pleasure fear dominance or submission. Online role play is the only way to offer comfort and affection online. However, rt actions add punch. So I'd say its all of the above.

Good points cutielady. I do agree that words are powerful. Words in my experience were just as important and evocative in the rt relationships I have been a party to. Perhaps it is simply the term "role play" that I stumble over. I think of role playing as taking on a role of a character or another person and acting it out with a partner. Acting the operative word of course. I love that of course with regard to a good movie or play. But the idea of that within the context of a D/s relationship of any description or within any intimate context for that matter just rings hollow to me. I do much appreciate your contribution to the discussion and as I mentioned in the post, it could very well be that it is I who does not see online play rightly.

[just_ine]

In my mind there are 3 types of interaction OL.

1. Roleplay and with right, a simple role you play. This is, personally, my least favourite type of interaction and the least 'submissive-feeling'. It seems to be overly sexual without the deep D/s connection. YMMV.

2. Tasking is when the D gives the s tasks to do. Some tasks are given as a once-off and some occurs every day or every week. Often 'proof' in the form of a recounting of the completion of the task or pictures are required. Tasks can take anything from a few seconds to days to complete.

3. The type of scene You described in Your OP is what I learned as 'playing' or 'scening'. My hand obeys to the letter what He describes and I give constant feedback on what I experience.
I have found this type of interaction to have potential to experience subspace and it creates a really close bond. I enjoy this type of play very much and while I don't do cam anymore, voice is just as wonderful.

Just a note: the play mentioned above is not 'pretend'. Every response must be true and real otherwise its a glorified role play. That means I don't fudge Any response. If He says HARDER.....I Do it HARDER, even if it makes me cry. The choice to decide How hard (as an example) is not mine to make.

When I took the step from OL to RL, I found very little difference between what I experienced over voice and what my playpartner did to me. Despite being tied up with real ropes this time and over cam/voice it wasn't. Because I obeyed every command given to a T.

This is of course only my experience and I can't speak for everybody.

[jane pain]

I couldn't resist contributing to this discussion, chat play was my only outlet for so long that I have become half addicted *grins and points at user title*

for clarity I will split real-time, text-only, play into 2 camps, role-play and cybering:

Role play is where I am not myself, maybe I am younger, maybe an abductee or rape victim, maybe a space captain or a victorian scullery maid... this is a LOT of fun, yes it is pretend, but so is pornography, erotica, fantasies....
Cybering is where I am horny / needy for something and someone else feels the same / wants to play... this is often more sexual because pleasure is easier to induce in words, to evoke, than physical pain is.. but the dynamic can be very real and very present without the requirement for pain, it can be in the smallest things, the 'keep your hands on your head'..the rough physicality of taking and forcing, the thing that just the thought of it makes you feel Dominant or submissive... a hand on the throat, being pulled about by your hair, or just being used and thrown aside....

The powerful reactions you can get to erotica that really hits your buttons? Like that, but interactive, you are writing a story with someone that addresses both of your precise desires and wants... it is not clinical as 'i put my tongue on your clit / I say ooh i like that', not is it usually as flowery as your examples, (i am sure I would be able to get permission from the other person / people involved to send you an excerpt or two if you wanted a more concrete example, but of course that would only show how the subset of people i play with, play)....
there is a connection, you are writing to turn on your partner, and you are describing the way your mind and body reacts to the things they are writing to try and turn you on, I have orgasmed from nothing more than rubbing against the bed a little during very intense play.... I think it is something that comes out of the desire being so strong that it finds an outlet, if rt is not possible / practical at that time (or even, for some, it is such an enjoyable process that they will do it in addition to having a full time rt relationship)... the fact of the matter is that after it both people (or 'all the people' depending on what you are doing) feel good, feel satiated to a degree.. there is often even an element of aftercare, especially in more intense play, where a skilled Dom can add predicaments, sophie's choices and a well described enough 'x' that you feel the pain or fear (as mentioned, a harder sell than pleasure)...
...........................
Role play can also refer to longer-form (not real-time) types of play, see the role play forum on here, where it becomes even closer to a 'choose your own adventure' erotica..

i think it depends on your definition of meaningful - - i have had plenty of 'one night stands' for chatting, where I do get my sub itch scratched and I do feel so delicious afterwards... also I have some regular partners who it only takes a few lines before my breathing changes and i am squirming on my chair...
the saying about your brain being your biggest sex organ? It's so true and if you let your mind take the lead, let your body feel the pleasure, oh my goodness *does a very wide smile*
I would guess that if the best erotica you have ever read made you feel the sensations described, made your body ready itself for sex and made you feel awesome at the body shaking - wet sliding - pumping clenching worlds best cum... then maybe you will enjoy online play, especially if you have a creative bent and a desire to please.
............................
I like just_ine's definition of scening (online scening?) and either that alone.... do this for me, now press there, I want you to fuck yourself for me, i want you to spank your dirty fucking clit 'till you scream..... . Or to add potency to RP ....I want you to use a certain toy / do a certain thing towards the climax of the play... Is also very cool, but, for me, not as good as getting so mentally involved in something that I am there, I can taste, smell and feel, and, oh fuck can I feel *shivers happily*.... your body knows what it feels like to be touched there, and stroked here, penetrated here and slapped in the face.... and for a lot of people if you just let go you can feel it...

There is joy to be found there if you are wired that way... not everyone is. Because this forum is stuffed with readers and writers (it is, after all, a library) it is not surprising that it is a hotbed of getting each other off with words *grins*

[just_ine]

... getting so mentally involved in something that I am there, I can taste, smell and feel, and, oh fuck can I feel *shivers happily*.... your body knows what it feels like to be touched there, and stroked here, penetrated here and slapped in the face.... and for a lot of people if you just let go you can feel it...

Eerm *wipes drool from mouth*.......excuse me for a while....need either a cold shower or a lil relief after that, jane!!
Lol.


Thank you very much for explaining the RP aspect of it so well, I can see the appeal now.

[Sagacious]

In my mind there are 3 types of interaction OL.

1. Roleplay and with right, a simple role you play. This is, personally, my least favourite type of interaction and the least 'submissive-feeling'. It seems to be overly sexual without the deep D/s connection. YMMV.

2. Tasking is when the D gives the s tasks to do. Some tasks are given as a once-off and some occurs every day or every week. Often 'proof' in the form of a recounting of the completion of the task or pictures are required. Tasks can take anything from a few seconds to days to complete.

3. The type of scene You described in Your OP is what I learned as 'playing' or 'scening'. My hand obeys to the letter what He describes and I give constant feedback on what I experience.
I have found this type of interaction to have potential to experience subspace and it creates a really close bond. I enjoy this type of play very much and while I don't do cam anymore, voice is just as wonderful.

Just a note: the play mentioned above is not 'pretend'. Every response must be true and real otherwise its a glorified role play. That means I don't fudge Any response. If He says HARDER.....I Do it HARDER, even if it makes me cry. The choice to decide How hard (as an example) is not mine to make.

When I took the step from OL to RL, I found very little difference between what I experienced over voice and what my playpartner did to me. Despite being tied up with real ropes this time and over cam/voice it wasn't. Because I obeyed every command given to a T.

This is of course only my experience and I can't speak for everybody.

Many thanks just_ine for giving such a nice summation of your experiences. You quite effectively described in so many ways the very engaging experiences I had with my former girl. After speaking with a few other people I was beginning to feel anxious that what she and I shared had simply been some kind of anomaly, driven simply by the personalities involved and not something that could be duplicated to any meaningful degree with a different partner. After reading your well presented perspectives I am now of the opinion that my difficulties have been merely a matter of semantics.

While at the time I never for a moment thought of it as role playing that we sometimes shared, in hindsight I can imagine it was after a fashion. It was never acting on the part of either us. It was real - real with regard to the emotions, the feelings, the heat of the moments and the satisfaction of our common but opposite needs. But especially after reading your thoughts on it I am beginning to understand I think that role play is merely a means, one approach to it. It can be a vehicle so to speak that takes you where you wish to go but is neutral in that the circumstances can be as real or fanciful as those involved wish it to be.

Your comments and views have actually been a great help in providing precisely the sort of insight I was seeking. I feel much more hopeful that in at least a sense, what I have experienced with her can to some degree be experienced again with a new partner. I especially appreciated you mentioning tasking because setting tasks for her was a significant part of our overall approach. As you mentioned having experienced yourself, sometimes it would be a once-off and other times would involve some simple assignment oft repeated after the fashion of rituals. That was a part of the dynamic I found quite important to me because it helped to preserve a sense of connectedness and engagement for us both at the times we weren't able to spend time together interacting and feeding of each others emotive responses interactively.

Thanks again for taking time to share your views here which I find quite invaluable and so enlightening.

Cheers,
S

[Sagacious]

I couldn't resist contributing to this discussion, chat play was my only outlet for so long that I have become half addicted *grins and points at user title*

for clarity I will split real-time, text-only, play into 2 camps, role-play and cybering:

Role play is where I am not myself, maybe I am younger, maybe an abductee or rape victim, maybe a space captain or a victorian scullery maid... this is a LOT of fun, yes it is pretend, but so is pornography, erotica, fantasies....
Cybering is where I am horny / needy for something and someone else feels the same / wants to play... this is often more sexual because pleasure is easier to induce in words, to evoke, than physical pain is.. but the dynamic can be very real and very present without the requirement for pain, it can be in the smallest things, the 'keep your hands on your head'..the rough physicality of taking and forcing, the thing that just the thought of it makes you feel Dominant or submissive... a hand on the throat, being pulled about by your hair, or just being used and thrown aside....

The powerful reactions you can get to erotica that really hits your buttons? Like that, but interactive, you are writing a story with someone that addresses both of your precise desires and wants... it is not clinical as 'i put my tongue on your clit / I say ooh i like that', not is it usually as flowery as your examples, (i am sure I would be able to get permission from the other person / people involved to send you an excerpt or two if you wanted a more concrete example, but of course that would only show how the subset of people i play with, play)....
there is a connection, you are writing to turn on your partner, and you are describing the way your mind and body reacts to the things they are writing to try and turn you on, I have orgasmed from nothing more than rubbing against the bed a little during very intense play.... I think it is something that comes out of the desire being so strong that it finds an outlet, if rt is not possible / practical at that time (or even, for some, it is such an enjoyable process that they will do it in addition to having a full time rt relationship)... the fact of the matter is that after it both people (or 'all the people' depending on what you are doing) feel good, feel satiated to a degree.. there is often even an element of aftercare, especially in more intense play, where a skilled Dom can add predicaments, sophie's choices and a well described enough 'x' that you feel the pain or fear (as mentioned, a harder sell than pleasure)...
...........................
Role play can also refer to longer-form (not real-time) types of play, see the role play forum on here, where it becomes even closer to a 'choose your own adventure' erotica..

i think it depends on your definition of meaningful - - i have had plenty of 'one night stands' for chatting, where I do get my sub itch scratched and I do feel so delicious afterwards... also I have some regular partners who it only takes a few lines before my breathing changes and i am squirming on my chair...
the saying about your brain being your biggest sex organ? It's so true and if you let your mind take the lead, let your body feel the pleasure, oh my goodness *does a very wide smile*
I would guess that if the best erotica you have ever read made you feel the sensations described, made your body ready itself for sex and made you feel awesome at the body shaking - wet sliding - pumping clenching worlds best cum... then maybe you will enjoy online play, especially if you have a creative bent and a desire to please.
............................
I like just_ine's definition of scening (online scening?) and either that alone.... do this for me, now press there, I want you to fuck yourself for me, i want you to spank your dirty fucking clit 'till you scream..... . Or to add potency to RP ....I want you to use a certain toy / do a certain thing towards the climax of the play... Is also very cool, but, for me, not as good as getting so mentally involved in something that I am there, I can taste, smell and feel, and, oh fuck can I feel *shivers happily*.... your body knows what it feels like to be touched there, and stroked here, penetrated here and slapped in the face.... and for a lot of people if you just let go you can feel it...

There is joy to be found there if you are wired that way... not everyone is. Because this forum is stuffed with readers and writers (it is, after all, a library) it is not surprising that it is a hotbed of getting each other off with words *grins*

Ah jane, the height and breadth of your contribution to the discussion was nothing short of extravagant in my mind and so very much appreciated. I did see a few common themes between what you shared and what just_ine wrote, which indeed make me feel ever more hopeful about the potential for further online exploration. But of course you covered quite a bit of new ground for me by offering your own unique views and experiences with regard to online play.

To be sure, your explanation of role play was exactly the perspective I had of it - taking on a fanciful role like those you mentioned, a Victorian scullery maid or science fiction character. It seems sort of conflicted as I think of it, but candidly that type of role play isn't something I find appealing yet at the same time when I write erotica I do often find myself using such scenarios as plots.

Still with the new clarity that I seem to be apprehending after digesting the experiences shared in this thread by you and others I can see how some of the interactions in my former online relationship were indeed role play in a sense. Early on when we communicated only in text, I'd frequently share the story line of an erotic piece I'd written or planned to write, tailored to the proclivities of my partner and to the specific activities we were sharing. So while the emotions, the feelings and the responses were quite genuine, I see how there were elements of fantasy involved in it.

Yes - yes, the cybering part I think I get but of course I enjoyed reading your take on it since to be frank it was rather hot to read. But back to the substance of what you shared on those points, it did bring to mind another related issue involved in all this.

My former girl during our time together became well acquainted with how pain can enhance arousal and intensify pleasure and she thoroughly enjoyed that aspect of it. Yet of course given the limitations of the online environment versus rl the means of providing pain for a submissive are quite restricted. For example beating one's own arse with a hairbrush isn't ever going to be an experience that favorably compares to a dominant gripping you sternly by the upper arm, pulling you across his knee, jerking down your knickers and giving your bare bottom a proper spanking with a hairbrush is it?

There are some ways of delivering pain with the cooperation of the girl herself of course - things like clamps and clothes pegs on tender bits, perhaps a bit of self-performed cropping on those same sites at the behest of the dominant or even a slightly larger plug than a girl finds herself able to comfortably accommodate. But given the limited options online when it comes to effective delivery of pain that many submissive girls like, especially those with a more masochistic bent, I have pondered whether there are real solutions to the thorny problem of giving such girls the quality and quantity of pain that many of them crave.

The mention of erotica and how it can affect strong, sometimes almost visceral responses from us by pushing the buttons that produce for us intense arousal is a good analogy with online experiences. Playing online really is I suppose quite like reading a hot erotic story only with the addition of a real walking, talking interactive partner to share it with you.

The biggest thing for me, actually that which prompted me to write this post to begin with, is I truly enjoyed on so many levels the online relationship recently ended and there were so many positives that attended those experiences, I did want to experience them again. Yet I want to experience those things in similar fashion - I want the reality, not pretend or play acting. What you shared here gives me renewed hope that it is possible. At the end of it I am confident it all comes down to the partners involved. The trick is simply to find someone to play with who has complimentary appetites and with whom you can develop a connection.

Thanks so much for contributing your thoughts and views on the question posed. I found your insight quite helpful indeed.

Cheers,
S

[cutielady]

I couldn't resist contributing to this discussion, chat play was my only outlet for so long that I have become half addicted *grins and points at user title*

for clarity I will split real-time, text-only, play into 2 camps, role-play and cybering:

Role play is where I am not myself, maybe I am younger, maybe an abductee or rape victim, maybe a space captain or a victorian scullery maid... this is a LOT of fun, yes it is pretend, but so is pornography, erotica, fantasies....
Cybering is where I am horny / needy for something and someone else feels the same / wants to play... this is often more sexual because pleasure is easier to induce in words, to evoke, than physical pain is.. but the dynamic can be very real and very present without the requirement for pain, it can be in the smallest things, the 'keep your hands on your head'..the rough physicality of taking and forcing, the thing that just the thought of it makes you feel Dominant or submissive... a hand on the throat, being pulled about by your hair, or just being used and thrown aside....

The powerful reactions you can get to erotica that really hits your buttons? Like that, but interactive, you are writing a story with someone that addresses both of your precise desires and wants... it is not clinical as 'i put my tongue on your clit / I say ooh i like that', not is it usually as flowery as your examples, (i am sure I would be able to get permission from the other person / people involved to send you an excerpt or two if you wanted a more concrete example, but of course that would only show how the subset of people i play with, play)....
there is a connection, you are writing to turn on your partner, and you are describing the way your mind and body reacts to the things they are writing to try and turn you on, I have orgasmed from nothing more than rubbing against the bed a little during very intense play.... I think it is something that comes out of the desire being so strong that it finds an outlet, if rt is not possible / practical at that time (or even, for some, it is such an enjoyable process that they will do it in addition to having a full time rt relationship)... the fact of the matter is that after it both people (or 'all the people' depending on what you are doing) feel good, feel satiated to a degree.. there is often even an element of aftercare, especially in more intense play, where a skilled Dom can add predicaments, sophie's choices and a well described enough 'x' that you feel the pain or fear (as mentioned, a harder sell than pleasure)...
...........................
Role play can also refer to longer-form (not real-time) types of play, see the role play forum on here, where it becomes even closer to a 'choose your own adventure' erotica..

i think it depends on your definition of meaningful - - i have had plenty of 'one night stands' for chatting, where I do get my sub itch scratched and I do feel so delicious afterwards... also I have some regular partners who it only takes a few lines before my breathing changes and i am squirming on my chair...
the saying about your brain being your biggest sex organ? It's so true and if you let your mind take the lead, let your body feel the pleasure, oh my goodness *does a very wide smile*
I would guess that if the best erotica you have ever read made you feel the sensations described, made your body ready itself for sex and made you feel awesome at the body shaking - wet sliding - pumping clenching worlds best cum... then maybe you will enjoy online play, especially if you have a creative bent and a desire to please.
............................
I like just_ine's definition of scening (online scening?) and either that alone.... do this for me, now press there, I want you to fuck yourself for me, i want you to spank your dirty fucking clit 'till you scream..... . Or to add potency to RP ....I want you to use a certain toy / do a certain thing towards the climax of the play... Is also very cool, but, for me, not as good as getting so mentally involved in something that I am there, I can taste, smell and feel, and, oh fuck can I feel *shivers happily*.... your body knows what it feels like to be touched there, and stroked here, penetrated here and slapped in the face.... and for a lot of people if you just let go you can feel it...

There is joy to be found there if you are wired that way... not everyone is. Because this forum is stuffed with readers and writers (it is, after all, a library) it is not surprising that it is a hotbed of getting each other off with words *grins*

janie doll you have a lovely way with words!

[jane pain]

just_ine, cutielady - - thank you, you lovely lovely people ....
Sagacious thank you also - i do not contribute to a lot of discussions but I couldn't not say anything on this one. It is a subject close to my heart (or other body parts *grins*)

[jules]

I agree with both just_ine and jane. What a fantastic job they did of describing their experiences. Both posts are a great read for anyone who has limited or no experience of online to explain just what can be achieved with it.
I've tried and enjoyed all of the types of online interaction they mention. Some with long term online Dom partners where the emotions and attachments that go with the relationship intensify everything. Some with kinky friends in one off situations- often equally as enjoyable as I generally have become friends with them because we have the same interests.

I think the key though is something in your last post, Sagacious - The trick is simply to find someone to play with who has complimentary appetites and with whom you can develop a connection

You can talk in the chat room with someone you think will be hot, hot, hot ! to play with - but if their online skills are not there - namely ability to use words to create a scene, create a feeling, create a whole world in both your minds - it will never work.
Sadly some never have these skills, but as mentioned before we are lucky in the Library because it does attract writers and those with a good imagination and ability to paint a picture in our minds with those words.

It's not just about matching interests, but also matching online ability with regards to grammar, spelling, literacy etc. Sounds a little harsh I know but it is true. I've talked to guys in the past who have much the same interests as me. They have done a good job of using words but constant grammar errors or basic spelling (I don't mean typos - we all do them especially when.. um.. agitated ) anyway.. those constant errors end up digging into my brain and completely negating any other feelings that may be developing.

~giggling~ I had to just go back and check my whole post for grammar and spelling

I have to admit, I don't really play online anymore other than a bit of raunchy banter with Sir because we are together most weekends and I don't get the same buzz from the talking, role playing and sceneing as I used to, although I enjoy a bit of sexy BDSM chat as much as most of us.


Couldn't resist posting on this one - like jane said

[ickleimi]

I think alot of the online is as a result of things like 50 shades. There are people who want to experience it and be part of it but aren't really committed. Online they can hide behind the facade. As someone who is more into the physicals of BDSM and is both a masochist and a submissive, I fail to see what it brings that normal cyber sex does not, other then adding some elements of a fetish into it. Having said that I do enjoy a good BDSM novel, but partially because it gives me ideas of things me and my Sir can try!

[SagaciousDom]

I think the key though is something in your last post, Sagacious - [I]The trick is simply to find someone to play with who has complimentary appetites and with whom you can develop a connection.

Yes, I totally agree jules. It is really just that simple. Success is found by relating to someone with compatible interests that is looking for the same type of experience and with whom you can connect on that basis. Can't say I fault you with regard to your feelings about the importance of grammar and spelling. That can be a great distraction even when the person might be effectively communicating otherwise.

[SagaciousDom]

I think alot of the online is as a result of things like 50 shades. There are people who want to experience it and be part of it but aren't really committed. Online they can hide behind the facade. As someone who is more into the physicals of BDSM and is both a masochist and a submissive, I fail to see what it brings that normal cyber sex does not, other then adding some elements of a fetish into it. Having said that I do enjoy a good BDSM novel, but partially because it gives me ideas of things me and my Sir can try!

No doubt books like 50 shades and the like have increased awareness of the lifestyle in general and stimulated curiosity about exploring it for some. Yet I don't think that a lack of commitment is the only reason some choose to explore online. For some it can be a fairly radical departure from the way they had been living and that can be a bit scary. Many live in locations where there is no viable lifestyle community to participate in. I do suspect that the anonymity of online is a draw for some but I'd suggest it is because it makes it all less intimidating for a novice. To be fair you really don't know at the outset what you are getting when you meet someone online so it wouldn't really be prudent to disclose all of your personal information straight away. The online relationship I had began that way but after my partner and I became acquainted and trust was established we dropped the pseudonyms and anonymity. We now know each other just as well as we know any of our rl friends.

In my view, when online interaction is primarily role playing then I think you make a valid point about it being little different from normal cyber sex with a little fetish thrown in. I don't make any judgments about that and I think it is great that is enough to satisfy some people. But just as there are very real vanilla distance relationships, based on my own one online experience from the recent past, I have no doubt that an online D/s relationship can be very real too. The curious thing for me is I was once very skeptical of online BDSM and actually a bit snobbish about it. To be sure online can simply be a fanciful erotically-charged diversion but I've since come to believe it can also be quite authentic.

My positive experience from the recent past causes me to believe I'd like experiencing that again but only in a relational sense. Role playing is great for those who seek only that kind of interaction but it just isn't something I personally find appealing. Such would certainly not be equivalent to the relational experience I had.

[ickleimi]

I don't doubt it can be authentic and there is a Dom in the USA I was involved with for while and care deeply about. But i also know what you mean about the distance and safety of it, I'm a catholic priests daughter and have a highly thought of leadership position in a large business firm. There is no doubt that my family and work colleagues can never know about my intimate relationships