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How could i possibly describe you? Comparable to a dusty bottle of scotch, strong and mellow…or, a sweet cigar whose smoke swirls and clings about my head. Or maybe a drug… pure, potent, driving through my veins, taking me to those dark and desperate places.

You are all these things

Powerful, addicting…enticingly dangerous…like standing in an open field during a summer storm....or sleeping in the woods without a fire, swallowed by the noisy dark

And here ...

Choice…i get it

Not the Choice to fall in love or to hate
Not the Choice to build or destroy trust
Not the Choice to be passionate or cold

…but the Choice that we made, so long ago
to become what we are, and to define the intricacies of our survival

Of all the things you’ve taught me, all the lessons learned and unlearned,
the condition of Choice is the one that has affected me deepest.
Choice has defined who i am, ...

A dear gentleman punished me in online play. I had permission from Mistress to play this way, but we both meant pure role plays taking place only in our fantasies, without affecting my real life. However, the gentleman meant it otherwise. I realized the misunderstanding when he ordered me to slap my face, both cheeks 5 times. Of course i should have protested, but it was so exciting that i couldn't resist the temptation and started slapping my face, trying to make it sting. With no much success. ...

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I never call her Mistress. I use the term only in English. In Hungarian i address her as "sweetie", "honey", "darling". Just as she speaks to me. Only she adds "little one" and similar endearments.
She is not a professional domme. I found her on a BDSM personals page. I could see in a moment that her kinks are most convenient for me. She loves to whip me, and i love being whipped. (Not that i don't howl, but anyway.) She loves to humiliate me, and ...

How to rebuild a person…logically from the inside out, starting at the core, where it is broken…but getting there is the hard part. We have to shed skin…all the layers that we have created to hide the wound and shield it from view.

I have shed mine all at once, painful and bloody, desperate to get to the ailing heart within. Starting at the beginning…starting over. One beat at a time, taking back what was broken, scattered, and stolen. Taking back what is mine.

Until i ...

My mind turns in circles with thoughts of you…around…around…Fingers and lips, hands and tongues, touches and teeth…Wrapped in your ropes, and your love…again…again…Taken to that place…that world…where only you and i exist.

I find myself pleading…begging…for what, i don’t know…more? less? release?…or maybe absolution…whatever it is, i need it more than air!

And there is only you…your voice in my ear…your place in my heart…and your ropes, binding my soul in helpless need. ...

The hurt runs hot…jagged…tearing me to shreds
From the inside out
My heart swells with ugly anger
Filling my chest
Suffocating me

The tears fall scorching down my cheeks

The sobs are drowning in my throat

My hands reach out and grasp at straws…marked love, hope, devotion

A moments relief as I hold them to my chest
Curling up, soothed by their promise..

Then a memory, a word brings it crashing down ...

thank you,
for reminding me
and for showing me
for bringing back the cold.


its better this way
if i’m in ice i can’t feel
if i’m frozen
i can’t cry


if i’m numb,
i can’t move to hold you
and find nothing is there
but empty dead air

smiles

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I will let you keep your dignity.
Your fantasy, your lies..these will remain secret so that you can save face. Three people know the truth.
How tragic it must be to live your life unable to accept defeat graciously.,needing to fabricate the reason why.
What a tangled web we weave when we try to deceive.
Sleep well, awake and look in the mirror......do you like what you see?
Dont fear, I wont expose you .........just remember,
Before you can be true to ...