Laila

About a month ago, my best friend A. asked me if I wanted to be his slave. It was a beautiful night, we had known of each others tendencies for long, had shared a lot, secrets, weaknesses, intimacy. We'd slept together before, sometimes with hint of D/s but not really. It was always difficult and complicated because I love him and he isn't ready for something new (he's going through a divorce) but somewhere he loves me too. He's crazy protective of me for one.

But that night things went further than ever before. He asked me if I was ready to take pain for him, I said yes and he slapped my inner thighs, not too hard but enough to hurt and to leave marks. And he asked me if I would let him do some analplay and we did that and then he held me and he asked me very seriously if I wanted to be his.
I felt a mixture between not believing how lucky I was and really really scared.

All the time that I had been curious about it, I had always felt a deep revulsion (I almost wanted to fight it but I never could) against the idea of actually being a slave to someone, belonging to someone. I played at it in the few online attempts but I was generally open about the fact that I didn't think this was the right thing for me. That I was a strict bedroom submissive (and believe me, I earned a lot of disapproval about that).
Truth is that because since I was very young, it was always made clear to me that I was less than adequate where beauty was concerned, I was fat and ugly and ungainly and that was that. Today, however, I am not a woman lacking in self-esteem and the reason is that I draw a lot of self-confidence and in truth self-awareness out of my character, out of the things I do, out of the way I behave, my academic achievement, my writing, my idea of morals and truth etc. To be a slave was to give all that up to me - and to be honest when I read some posts here, there are enough people who still make me feel that this would be what it takes. I'm still not sure.

With A. though, because we were friends first, really close friends, I know for a fact that he supports me in my ideas, in my ventures, in my writing etc. and he has no interest in taking that from me because that is part of what he loves about me. I think that is the reason why when he asked me to be belong to him, and when he slipped a little anklet around my foot, that it suddenly didn't feel revolting at all. Scary - for sure, but not wrong. It felt so right, so perfect.

But when I left in the morning (I live in the Midlands now and he in the South), the moment I was in the train I felt lost. I didn't understand yet, I didn't know if he calling me his, his lover, his rose, his slave... if that meant we were together. And although I thought it did - a deeper part of me knew it wasn't and it ripped me apart in a way.
About a week later I asked him - and when he said that we were still us, were still 'just friends', simply this as well... I said that i didn't know how to do that. How to love and adore him as my Master and be jokey, cheeky, happy best friend whenever we are not in subspace.
And subsequently, he put it on the back-burner - to... to stop himself from making this incredibly painful for me.

And my heart pretty much broke, however cheesy that sounds. For 3 weeks, I tried to be his friend again, I tried to happy and cheerful to everyone around me...
Until the day before yesterday, I figured that, yes, I love him. But I think, now, I could be his friend and slave.

Also, as I have never felt so wonderful in submission as I had with him, I now want to know more. I want to try things, I want to explore this side of me... this truth in me. And I could probably find someone to try things with - but I don't want someone. I want my Master, A. the man I trust completely, who I love and who I respect and who I was always loyal to, the man I know enough to be 100% sure, his dominance isn't a deep seated hatred of women or a joy in causing pain. I don't want to be just anyone's slave. Only HIS.

And so I asked him if he would take me back.

His answer was that he wanted a few days to think about it. Mostly I think that he wants to establish his power like that. To keep me on edge like this and show me that I can't just be this way or that way - but I am full of hope that he might take me back any day now.
Please, please, please ultimate power of the universe, whose existence I cannot prove or know.