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I have to be thankful...

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Some days, I sit feeling so sorry for myself. I see people in my family doing things I wish I could do. One of my sisters has gone to the beach several times this year. Now i see on facebook where she is in Cancun with her boyfriend. I sigh when I see the pictures, knowing how happy she is. Knowing she is living the charmed life. She has her own business...she's thin and beautiful. She has a gorgeous home, and a boyfriend to match. I really envy her and her life. I sit wondering, why I ever divorced my husband. He provided a good life for me. We went places and did things together. Life was good...up until the last few years. We both changed, and I was unhappy, discontent. I took ill, and he didn't understand why things were so different. Why I couldn't do everything I used to be able to do. And we became distant...our love fizzled out. And I cried every night that I would get better...
But I didn't.

So divorce came, and we went our separate ways. We did remain friends...and I hoped for a reconciliation one day. But it never came. He met another....someone who could do the things I was unable to do. And they married. I went through a bad bout of depression. Feeling lonely, cast out. Unneeded and unwanted. And I still have my days. Although it has gotten somewhat better. I still miss the security I had with him. And the love that is now lost forever..

And now I am on my own. I've moved several times...and now reside in a small, one bedroom apartment with my two little dogs as my companions. I still mourn for my loss...the life I had. The fact that I now live off one tenth the income I used to. And I have to say...it's hard. It's a struggle. And I still cry...

But last night I had an epiphany...I was watching one of those weight loss shows. Where the people spend a year and change their lives by working hard and eating right. But that's not what got me. You see, there was a young woman who was adopted at age two. By a lesbian woman. The young woman was from Chile. Her mother gave her up out of love...as they were homeless, and living in the streets of a very hard part of Chile.
This young woman had a wish to connect with her birth mother, as she never felt really connected with her adoptive mom. She was not a very affectionate woman, but she took care of the young one, gave her everything she needed. Provided for her. So as this girl lost the weight, the man who was her trainer made a deal with her. If she met her 6 month goal, he would pay for her trip to Chile to see her birth mother. So...she did. And off she went. She was reunited with her mother, who now lived in a better place, although small...it was better. And she also now had a younger sister. As they visited, the mother and the daughter went back to the place where they were homeless. It was awful, and the daughter really understood what love the mom had for her. And why she gave her up. It made the young woman really stop and think about the sacrifice the mother made for her. And she also began to appreciate the adoptive mother as well.

As she returned home, things changed. She accepted her adoptive mother. Even with all of her faults. She knew that she had been very lucky to be given the life she had in America. She met her weight loss goal as well...and her entire attitude towards life had changed. I was very moved by this program....and it made me realize some things about myself as well. I know my life isn't perfect. I don't have my own business. I live off a disability check and things are tight every month. But....I am lucky. I am not homeless. I have a decent roof over my head. I have friends...all be they online...but they are friends. I have a car. And food to eat. I am thankful for these things. My life is changed...I am not the person I once was. My body fails me often. But I somehow manage to get by. And I thank my lucky stars every day that I am not homeless. That I do not have to eat out of a trash can. That I am able to take care of myself. And my two little furry companions. And that I have my friends who keep me going. Who make me smile, and also help me to realize my self worth. Yes, I have to be thankful...for all of this. As I have so much more than so many others....

I love you all...and hope I'm around long enough to let you all know how truly thankful I am to have you in my life.




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