sunshine
Registered User

Merry Xmas to you my dear. Oh how I will you were the lovely stocking stuff for me to unwrap this evening. To have you blindfolded and gagged with your arms bound to your sides. Oh the fun that we would have. The sensual prick of the steel pinwheel rolling over your soft flesh. The bite of the clamps upon your erect nipples and your soft cries of delight as my teeth tugged at the chain that lies between them. The feel of my hands gliding across your back and down to your cute backside. The sudden gasp muffled into your gag as the tip of the anal plug is pressed home into your tight hole. The quiver of your legs as you feel the plug fill you up. Your wetness rolling down your thigh telling me that you want me all the more. My parting your legs to nestle myself into you. Teasing you with the tip of my member pressed against your aching sex. You bucking your hips forward, towards me in a vain attempt to relieve your sexual suffering. Your crying out to take you and that you are mine. Music to my ears as Santa's Sleigh flies by in the midnight sky.....

Just thinking of things like this makes me smile now my love. The grief and pain of your passing has dulled and I can smile about what if. The things that we fantasied about probably will never come to be for me. Maybe those things will just be the unfulfilled fantasies that died with you. That is okay....because I am reaching for the tender and intimate moments that go beyond handcuffs, floggers, and blindfolds.....and maybe a nipple clamp or too....hehehe. Who knew that such a little pain in the ass like you could have such a profound impact on my life....more than any flogger could upon anyone??? I hope that the heavens smile upon you my love and I hope that you smile when look down upon the silliness that is my life. Know that I love you, that I am well, and that I have found a love here in my life.

Sunshine...hello to you again. I realize that I am now 46 years old and that you will always be 36 years old. You have become timeless in the memories that I have of you. Years from now, when I am 50 years old, you will still be forever young. I will giggle a little bit for both of us because we would have joked about what a dirty old man and pervert I have become....lusting after a younger woman like you. You would give me shit for being lazy and unable to keep up with you. I would give you a wicked little grin before flogging your ass to listen to you give out a sharp yelp of shock. In the end we would fall into each others arms and I would gaze into your eyes with a tenderness that makes your heart melt and the welts on your ass not sting so much.

I seem to count the days and years since you were taken away from me. Life seems cruel to tear us apart just as we had found each other. I smile when I look back at the time that it took to win your guarded heart. So many walls you cast in front of me as I took my first steps to try to unlock the mystery of who you were. Each turn on the path towards you took me deeper into the mystery and lies that are you. Somewhere buried deep in that wounded soul was the truth of you that you struggled to keep hidden. Chipping away at the walls of your heart with my patience and my desire for you to become better and happier. Slowly, I won you over and earned your guarded trust. The small crack in the amour of your heart was all I needed to see the light within you. To feel the warmth of your love and for us to share the desires we long held within each of us. Dare to love, dare to dream of something better for both of us. Though we were separated by such a distance. Love was our at last, yet just as we found this, death swept down to tear us apart once more.....and I stand alone on the other side to the curtain....longing for you.

It has been a while my Sunshine. Much has changed and happened. I went on a backpacking for 45 miles over 6 days. Very leisurely pace with lots of time to be alone with my thoughts and simply to spend some of that time alone. The stillness of silence, knowing that the places you visit have not seen anyone for days. In that time I remember you. I walk along the trail and hear the sound of the water of the creek or the gurgle of a stream and it gives voice to your memory. In those moments, I imagine you in my arms, I imagine the sight and sound of the leather tendrils of the flogger biting into your backside, I imagine the sounds spilling from your mouth as I torment you and bring you to the edge of cumming. In these rare moments of silence you come back to me. The sound of your voice fills my ears just as the sound of the gentle breeze cuts through the pine needles above me. For a moment, you are with me again. My blood rushes and my heart flutters as the thought of all the wickedly delicious things that I want to do to you. Knowing that just the thought of your being mine to do as I please with would make your heart swoon and loins drip in lustful delight. Life is cruel in that these images are so clear in my mind's eye, yet the vision of your face is a blur to me....obscured by the shadow of tears mourning your loss. Come back to me my love, I need you.

I am back my dear. Been almost two weeks in Panama with my girl friend, visiting her family there. Was nice to really do nothing and to see people living their lives differently than we do. Humbling with the poverty there in the small community. But no one is poor. They have hardships and they don't have a lot. But the are hardworking and the are kind. There were multiple days where I did not think about you and it was okay. I did not beat myself up over it. What I tell myself is that what is important is that I do remember you and think of you. My grief is so much less and I dare say gone. Yet, there is the fantasy and desire for what could have been between us....the mad, lustful sex....the unfulfilled dark desires that still haunt my daydreams. That is where you live now.....in the lustful daydreams of a future that may never see the light of day. I am torn. I have these desires and yet I am with a vanilla woman....a good one. Have I learned nothing from my prior marriage??? Anyway, I just got home and thought of you....

How do I let you go when you live in my waking dreams? How can I let you go when I close my eyes, when the stress of my day tries to crush me and I see you? The drone of voices surrounds me and yet my ears only hear your lustful cries of pain and pleasure as I unleash my darkest desires on the canvas that is your flesh. How can I let you go when all I can imagine is holding the riding crop tightly in my fist as the air is cut with the swift stroke of my desire coming down crashing upon your bare skin? How can I dare let you go when the desire in your voice begs me for more and your eyes drip with desire for me to do these things unto you? My desire for you is a drug that binds me to the memory of you. Your love for me makes it impossible to let you go because if I do, I know that I simply will drown in the sea of tears that my heart has been holding back all these years.

Misty, I had a moment of lingering sadness that struck me. Long hours at work, perhaps the subconscious realization that it was a year ago that I heard the word divorce for the first time, a body that is wrapped tight in steel cables of stress that binds me to this world. I wanted it all to stop. I tell myself that if I were to die today, that I would have no regrets. Laying in bed with my girlfriend, who cares for me deeply, she asked if I was happy. To my shock unthinkingly muttered in a low voice, "Misty, I don't know....". I was horrified that my girlfriend might have heard me utter your name. I paused for a moment and a set of silent tears formed in the corner of my eye and slowly rolled down. I cried because I thought of you. The realization that you you are still so ingrained into my soul that your name slips from my lips in the unconscious moment of my torment. A continuing realization that I miss you still and how much you made an impact upon my heart. The moment passed and I am myself again. The stress of my life is still there, but I am not alone. How is it that you have had such a profound effect upon my iron soul? Perhaps the tears of my missing you have rusted away the hardened shell of my heart to reveal the cracks that lead to my guarded soul. And I am reminded that I can feel emotions that I spent so long to deny existed within me. That I can cry is your gift to me as it leaves me bare and open to the world.

Misty. My life is good and I am happy. It is a strange feeling or simply strange to say that I am happy. Just as it was strange to call you Sunshine, because in many ways you were nothing like the nickname that I gave you. I can tell you that you were the Sunshine in my life. Simply talking to you each day made me happy and gave me something to look forward to in what was a very dull and routine life without passion. I still think of you often in the quite moments of my day. I miss you and I will always wonder "what if" we had been able to meet in real life. The fantasy of what could have been was always something that kept me going. Yet, today I am happy despite your being gone from my life. I have met a woman who loves me and appreciates who I am and the little things that I do for her. Just as it was with you, I take joy in trying to make her smile and laugh. I miss the sound of your laughter and voice. It is harder to remember the sound of your voice. That makes me sad, but I accept that time will steal this from me. Don't worry my love, I am going to okay in this life. I just still have a small hope that when I die that there is an afterlife that I might fine you waiting for me when I am gone from this life. Be well my love and thank you for teaching me to be able to cry.

I am the keeper of a memory of a woman who never was and yet was everything to hold my desires and dreams of something better. She is four and a half years gone and the sound of her laughter lingers faintly in my mind after all of this time. I grasp for memories of her. I have only dreamed of her twice in all of these years and even then, they were fleeting glimpses of a face that I have never seen. Part of me feels like a fool, yet I know that she loved me and that I still love her. I know that her fears and insecurities kept her from showing me her face. Yet, we talked on the phone. We laughed and shared our desires and her fears. Such a mixture of irreverent defiance and strength wrapped up in a fragile cloak of invisibility that I could see though at all times. How could I not come to care for her and love her as I did. My missing her is half ritual and half heartache that is tempered by time. Her gift to me was the pain of her death. To force me to feel the daily ability to shed a tear as I remember her passing. Yet, in that moment when I feel the hot stream of a silent tear roll down my cheek, I know that I am alive. I am no longer numb to the world. This is her gift to me that I will cherish for the rest of my life. And the quiet comfort of knowing that I am loveable and deserving of love.