sunshine
Registered User

She is genuinely concerned for my well being and happiness. Strange to have someone in my life care about my well being again. I am content and think I will be happy with her. My only concern is that my desires for THIS....the bondage, the kinky sex...the desires that I had for you and the promise of what we might do together may yet haunt me. She is not exactly vanilla. She is open minded. She knows my kinky desires. I have shared so much of myself with her. I think you would be happy for me. But I still miss you and my love for you does not waiver. I know that my love for you cannot be a barrier to my feeling love for someone else. I strive daily to check myself for bull shit. I strive to be honest with myself and to check that I am not motivated by loneliness, fear, or grief. I ask my friends and coworkers to tell me if I am crazy. Please smile for me, watch over me, and take comfort in knowing that someone remembers you and the gift of your love that you gave to me.

My Sunshine....I have signed my last document and I will be divorced by the end of November. 3.5 months from the moment the word divorced was mentioned to being effectively divorced. I am not sad. I am looking forward to my new life. There will be challenges. Caring for my daughter, being engaged in her daily life....to really be a father. I will have to adjust to a life of minding my dollars. No more carefree days of not worrying about money. I have found someone who can be special in my life and she knows about you and my love for you. She lets me have the space for you and she does not judge.

Misty I remember the first time I knew that I was deeply in love with my wife. She was out of town for work and I was driving to work and I thought for a moment of "what if" something happened to her and she was gone from my life. Just the thought of that physically made my heart ache in my chest. It was a feeling I had never had up to that point in my life. It was then that I knew that I loved her enough that she was "the one" I was going to marry. I remember standing at the alter, waiting for her to walk down the isle to me. Then seeing her with a red dress that was so very short and not very traditional in anyway. I was stunned and speechless to the point that the minister had to physically turn my body towards him to start our vows. I remember holding her hands so tightly with nothing more than a silly grin from ear to ear and being lost in that moment. I don't remember the words that we spoke, but I was beaming with happiness. And now I find that love is gone and we are getting a divorce. There is no bitterness, there is some sadness. No regrets and simply gratitude for the twenty years together. I wish her well and happiness. I cherish my new found relationship with our young daughter. What hurts is realizing is that you are not able to be here for me to take you into my arms at the end of all things.

Hello my love...My Sunshine. Simply saying your name, Sunshine, puts a smile upon my face. I still say hello to you each morning as I drive to work. It is harder to remember the sound of your voice. My divorce is continuing and should be done by the end of the year. It is very amicable and it has made be grow closer to my little monkey butt of a daughter and I have her on the weekends. I am even dating a little bit. I cannot help but wonder what it would have been for us had we had a chance to date. I do feel a bit of sadness thinking about how at the end of my marriage, you are somehow not here waiting for me. That we could be free to have time together and to love one another. I am free to date and to seek someone out to share adventures with and the possibilities of my future are exciting to me. Yet, my love for you does not wither and it has its place in my life. It gives me comfort....it does not intrude upon the space with other women. You are simply a part of me that touches my soul....enriches it. I can cry now where it was difficult to do so before I knew you. I am human and I have feelings....yes, there is the pain of losing you, but I treasure the gift of our short time together. I take a small comfort in knowing that when I die, there is a 50/50 chance that I might actually get to hold you in my arms and feel your warmth and love.

Misty....it is all starting to fall apart and I don't know if I should be happy or completely sad. My marriage is starting to unravel. 20 years of time together and 17 yrs of marriage crumbling away like sand castles on a beach. We are both to blame, yet I feel more responsible. I feel the slight excitement of the possibility of having a taste of what we were going to have together. There is the sadness of these twenty years coming to this when we have so many things going for us. Despite that we are both unhappy and she is to tired and hurt to want to try to make it better. Honestly, I am not sure that we could be happy together, but I would be willing to try. All that is left is to make sure that both of us and our daughter are fine at the other side of the tunnel. I still miss you and think about you. Maybe I am a fool....

Misty, I had my 2nd dream of you since you pasted away 3.5 yrs ago. I have deathly ill and you were helping me go somewhere. We were in a large subway station in Singapore and I lost you in the shuffle of people. You had been wearing a sky blue knitted ski hat. I cried out for you over and over into the droning sounds of chatting voices in the crowd. I was scared, I was panicked, I was desperately frantic to find you, but you were gone. My eyes scanning a sea of people and looking of your blue knit hat to lead me to you. Yet, I never found you and ended up wandering into a sparely populated apartment building that was old and run down. I felt as if I was running away from people. I was sick and carried something deadly contagious and wanted to stay away from people. I remember slumping down in an empty corridor, coughing and terribly ill. I was alone and without you....and then I woke up realizing you were gone and even in this dream, I never saw your face, though, we did talk. Still I am thankful for this dream and a glimpse of you. I still love and miss you dear.

Misty...how do I replace you when you were more than anything that I could have hoped for or desired? What you wanted and needed from me excited me and scared me at the same time. You needed to bring out the sadist in me that I did not realize was within me. I had doubts if I could give you want you craved and needed. Now that you are gone, I realize how lucky I was to find you and how rare of a gift you were for me to find. "Everything I needed, everything I wanted was here in my arms." And now that I need to hold you so close to me, you are gone. I ask myself is having known you for just one year mean that I will mourn your passing for the rest of my days? Is one year worth 30 or 40 year of mourning? All I can say is YES. I will regret having met you and us falling in love with each other. How can I? My regrets are simply this: That you died and that we never met face to face to hug each other...or for me to make love to you. Time marches on and the constant of my life seems to be my marking each day of your passing from the world by simply saying hello to you in the morning as I drive to work and to tell you that I love you. Such a simple thing that means so much.

Merry Christmas my Sunshine....the end of another year comes soon to pass. This year is easier, missing you. I can look at the photos that I took on the John Muir Trail without feeling the heart wrenching pain of missing you. I am editing them now...three years later. It is my hope that I will have them up online for you to maybe see in the coming year. It has been far too long and you would have been disappointed with me. I love you as always and smile more than I cry when I think of you.

Misty...my pain if fading away a little more. I still miss you and love you. That will never change, but I think you would be pleased to know that I have found someone else to flirt with, to chat with, to trade stories, and to daydream about all the wicked things that I wanted to do with you that I could do with her. She is feisty, like you....but different in so many other ways. I think you would like her. She is a Domme and I have fantasies of what it would be like if we had you to be our sub to service us both. She likes the idea too, but does not know who you are. I have shared much with her, but nothing about you....maybe one day. I hurts less missing you my love. Nikki gives me something to hope for. Being happy makes it easier to skip days not hurting over you. Forgive me for there have been a few days where I have not said good morning or good night to you, as I have done so faithfully for the past three years. I know you don't mind, but I love you and honor you everyday I see the Sunshine rise and fall. Be happy for me and know that I will always love you.