sunshine
Registered User

What does letting go mean? What does it mean when the pain goes away? When all I can think of is that the anguish of missing you means that I still love you? Letting go of you mean I permission to no longer shed tears over your passing. My love endures, but my heart no longer feels like it is breaking. Only the cracks on my glass heart are the lasting mark of the pain I have felt over you. The drops of blood leaking through those fine crack in my heart the only tears left to shed over you. My life is your life now for us to share. I need to walk forth onto the trail in the wilderness that is life without your voice laughing in my ear, yet I feel you each time I reach down to touch the waters along the trail. The hurt is fading from my heart and I know that I need to move on and to not be afraid of my love for you fading.

Time slowly ticks away and the time is coming. The unavoidable truth of your passing some three years ago. With the ticking of time, I remember the night when the beautiful lies I clung to were stripped away from me. I remember crying in the night as the sun rose, knowing that you would never see it and that I would never hear your voice again. Three years does not seem so long ago. The pain of missing you is so much easier to bear because all of the tears I have shed are now salty crystals....gemstones to mark your passing. My love for you is strong as ever and I hope dear to my heart knowing that you loved me with your last breath. It is a gift that humbles me to this day. I day dream of things that could have been and still hope to come to be. My only choice is to continue on without you. To aspire to something that we had. Maybe to have some promise of hope that I might experience some of what we hoped to share together with another person. You are always in my heart. My heart is your home now...a place for you now and forever when you felt that you had no place on this earth. I will always love you my Sunshine. Nothing can change that. Not time, the fading of my own memories, the withering of my body over time. In the end, will feel your love as I slip away into the darkness of time. I only hope that when I open my eyes on the other side of the veil of mortality that I will hear your voice in my ears telling me to open my eyes to gaze upon your face.

Misty, I had day or two where I was able to have a taste of what we had before. I had the chance to use my words to control another person. To direct them as if their hand was an extension of my own. To be able to create an experience for them, to give them pleasure, and the painful sensation of exploration that was urging them on with the delights of lustful abandon. It was intoxicating, invigorating, it made we hard as a rock and made my blood boil with lustful passion that I have not felt in a long time. I had forgotten what those sensations felt like. It was good, it made me happy, it reminded me of you. I know that this is the month of your passing and the actual day is fast approaching. Hard to believe that it will be three years. Does not seem so long ago. I think people must look at me with sad pity that I carry my grief and love for you this long. Part of me irrationally fears that the moment when I stop feeling this pain that I will stop loving you. I know that my love for you will not die. Selfishly, I hope that I can find someone else who can be my muse, as you were. I hope that I might fulfill some of what we where going to to together with another. I would see them for who they are, but have the joy of getting to fulfill some of the promise of what we were to have. I love you my dear Sunshine. Three years on and it still puts a small smile on my face to call you MY Sunshine. You silly pain in the ass of a girl. I miss you.

Misty...I almost deleted my fetlife account for the 2nd time. I am frustrated and angry with the challenges and frustrations of trying to find someone else. If not being married was enough of a challenge, when I do find someone they seem to be turned off by the fact that I am Asian. I can not tell you the number of times that I have had the slight promise of something only to find disappointment. My anger washes across me and turns to frustration because I can not change the fact that I am Asian. Especially since the only thing Asian about me is how I look. Each sad failure that I have only makes me appreciate what I found within you and us. Someone who would accept me as I am, who turned me on, you who made each day start with a smile, and someone who I found a completely unexpected love. I was so lucky to find you....can I be lucky again?

Misty...there are times where I curse the fact that you died before we could actually met in person. So many long held desires held in my heart that only had you in my imagination. You held the promise of being able to fulfill all of my fantasies and to offer me ones that I had not even dreamed up. More than anything, I wish I could have held you in my arms to hug you tightly. To feel your warmth against me and feel each breath that you took. To stroke your hair and to tell you that I was finally here for you, flesh and bone. To lift your chin up to look into my eyes while I leaned over to give you a simple kiss. All this and more I wanted for us to share and I just have the memory of your voice in my head.

I have returned to you my love. It is getting close to three years since you died. I still say your name daily. I tell you hello when the Sunshine lights my way to work. I tell you that I love you and that I miss you. That you are never forgotten. I am okay now. I have learned to accept that you are gone from my life. In the frustration of being able to do nothing, there is only the surrender to the pain of the inevitable conclusion that there is only the time between missing you and dying to have a 50/50 chance of seeing you. There is either and afterlife or there is not. I hike on the trails of the Sierras to get back to you and to feel closer to you. Yet, when things are rough and the miles are hard, I think of only taking one more step closer to home and my family. As much as I get out on the trail to get back to you, in the end I am just trying to get home to my family. I think you would approve. I miss you forever and never to I forget my love for you dear. I am back here to remember you and to celebrate the brief time we had together. Love always....Mr. Asshole.

I have returned to you my love. It is getting close to three years since you died. I still say your name daily. I tell you hello when the Sunshine lights my way to work. I tell you that I love you and that I miss you. That you are never forgotten. I am okay now. I have learned to accept that you are gone from my life. In the frustration of being able to do nothing, there is only the surrender to the pain of the inevitable conclusion that there is only the time between missing you and dying to have a 50/50 chance of seeing you. There is either and afterlife or there is not. I hike on the trails of the Sierras to get back to you and to feel closer to you. Yet, when things are rough and the miles are hard, I think of only taking one more step closer to home and my family. As much as I get out on the trail to get back to you, in the end I am just trying to get home to my family. I think you would approve. I miss you forever and never to I forget my love for you dear. I am back here to remember you and to celebrate the brief time we had together. Love always....Mr. Asshole.

On the edge of a dream I see you as I open my eyes to the dawn of a new day. As I stir from my night's slumber in my warm bed, I think of you and wonder if the fragments of my night's dream were of you. I see the back of your head, with a long drape of hair that covers the whole of your back. I see a sight figure before me. You turn slowing to me and I peer closely to try to see your face. Then I am laying awake in my bed with the light of a new day peeking through the window blinds. Another day with you just beyond my finger tips. Alwayscurious has reminded me to not wallow in the grief of your passing, but to remember your life for what it was and what we had. I do my best, yet because I know so little of you beyond what time we had together, I can not help but feel that your life did not have all that many happy moments. Perhaps I need to talk to Kim to learn more. To have a fuller picture of who you were in life. Of the happy moments you had. Though, no matter what, my love is undiminished, I do not ever doubt what we meant to each other. Love always my mistress of the night.

Because of you, I want to believe in something beyond this life. I believe and have hope because I still need you in my life so badly. Simply because I love you and still miss you. Simply because there is nothing else I can do. Happy Birthday my Sunshine. I am thankful for this day because it was on this day that you came to this world and took your first steps in a long journey that would lead you to my arms.