sunshine
Registered User

In that moment, I realized that I was connected to you in a way that I have never been connected with someone before. I understood your thinking because it was how I thought of myself not too long ago. The feeling that you could not be loved because you were unlovable because you felt that you had no value in this world. That you felt that you were a burden to those around you and that anyone who might know you would flee from you if they really got to know you. That you were convinced down to the bone that you were not a good person. The self loathing mixed with a spirit of survival from having to fight for existence in the face of parents who could never accept you simply for who you were. To have this connection with you made me want nothing more than to reach out to guide you and help you realize that you mattered and that you could rise up and find happiness for yourself in this world. I never gave up on you, even when you thought that love and happiness were simply for other people and not for you. Even in death, I have not given up on you or on the idea of us. I have hope that you have found peace, I have hope that you might still feel my love, I have hope that I might have faith to believe that I might see you one day in an afterlife that I am not sure even exist.

Happy Birthday my little pain in the ass. In your typically SAM attitude you would flatly reply to me, "Fuck you.....asshole." To which I would casually point out, "It's Mr. Asshole to you." A moment of silence would pass and you would roll your eyes at me. This was the way we were with each other when things were at their best. You would bust my balls and I would patiently put up with your shit and remind you that I was equally as stubborn as you. You challenged me at each step as I would attempt to learn more about you. Always mixing your mock anger and feisty bitchiness as a means to keep me at arms distance from you. You guarded was your heart that you did your best to keep any details about you and your past from me. You made me earn every little crumb of information about you. Because of you I have come to say, "Nothing worth having comes easy." The more you hide from me, the more I wanted to know all about you. The mystery of you and realizing that we were no so different in our past and in our thinking of ourselves.

Good morning my Sunshine. This morning I realized that your birthday is coming, which will be the second one since you died. Who could have known that your death could have such a profound effect on me, a man who has spend his whole life learning to hide his emotions and to bury any sense of pain that he has felt. There is freedom in tears, yet I find that I can no longer shed them. Each morning, then I drive to work I think of you and I feel a tear well up in my eye, but it never falls and no one ever sees it. The pain of your absence lingers in me and chokes me. I am neither fully alive nor am I dead to the world. Sometimes it feels as if the world has been drained of its joy and colors. All I can tell you is that I no longer fear death because when that time comes, I have something to look forward to- a chance that I will see you after my time has come. Oddly, I feel as if my life's work is done and if I were to pass away today, it would be okay. I have not desire to kill myself or to die, but somehow, it would be nice to be free of the mortal coil and simply have time to rest my soul. God, I miss you still and need you more than ever, but there is nothing that I can do.

I can not bear to sort all of those photos and to post them up for the world to see. The task seems so daunting with so many photos. Part of me does not want to relieve what was and should be an adventure of a life time. Why do I feel this way? I should be grateful for what I have in my life. A second chance at a happiness with THIS with Alwayscurious. Seems wrong of me to feel sad, seems almost disrespectful to her....as if I was not grateful for what she offers me so freely. I think that because I have always grieved for you in silence, I have never healed. I am not sure I ever will. I feel hopelessness, I feel sadness, I feel frustration, and the horrible restlessness in the feeling there is something that I should be doing, but I don't know what it is that I should be doing.

Misty, I have about 3900 photos and video clips that I took on my 220 mile John Muir Trail backpacking trip that I took last year to honor your memory. It was a challenging trip physically and harder mentally as i dealt the with grief of having lost you. Something changed within me on that trip. Since then, I have little to no desire to go backpacking again. The weight of the grief and the memories of you weighted heavy on my mind and shoulders on that trip. I took so many pictures because I took them for you. You so loved all the photos that I took and posted of my adventures. I felt the obligation and obsession of taking those photos. I was so sick of photos that by the time I reached the top of Mt. Whitney, I could not longer bear to take any more. My task was done, I left our letters up on the mountain and tried to say good bye to my grief and pain over losing you.

Misty, I miss Kim. She is the only living link that i have to you. She and I are perhaps the only one's left who have a living memory of you. Why is it becoming so hard to remember the sound of your voice? Why did you leave me with so few fragments to remind me of you? A set of blurry photos from when you were 21 yrs old. I did not keep any copies of the emails that we traded. You gave me so few mementos to hang on to because you wanted me to forget you, to move on after your passing. I have done my best to share with the world, your memory....our love. There was one chance for me to have met Kim in person. I wanted to give her something to pass along to you. Since I have no idea of where your ashes are kept, she would be the only one to deliver it to you. But the pain of the memories that I bring back of your death were too much for her and she ran away. I don't blame her. You cannot have a friendship built on the foundation of crushing grief. I forgive her and I miss her. I know that she is well because she is a survivor. I count myself lucky that in knowing Kim, I was able to make a difference in her life....maybe to help save a life. I post this in the minor hope that she may find you and read these words and to know what is happening in my life. That I am okay and that I have found someone special and that I have hope for myself to find happiness within THIS.

I was asked a question today, how can i bear to compete with a ghost. I don't feel like i am competing with you. I truly feel like i am sharing a piece of his heart. Part of what makes me love him is his devotion to you and the memories he has. It is a part of his soul, one i never wish to replace but rather share with him. You were and are such a big part of who he is why anyone would want for him to forget is beyond me. i am just so very grateful he found a small part in his heart where i fit.

Forever grateful to you, it is because of you he is the man i have come to love and cherish

Always
D.

Sunshine please know as you look down and watch over Valshar, that i will take great care and serve him well. He deserves all the happiness life can offer and i am so proud to be a part of that. I will see him one day soon, He is just a plane ride away. Thank You for bringing Him to me

Always

Misty, I found someone when I had given up on myself. Sometimes the most wonderful things can happen when you are not expecting it. She has offered me hope when I was seeing the flickering light of my dreams for THIS fade away with the lingering memory of your death. She respects the love that we shared and gives space for your memory to exist within our relationship. I know that you would be happy for me, but I want you to know that I have not forgotten you. I still wake up each morning whispering good morning to you and when I lay my head down at night, I say good night to you. However, in the daytime, I long to hear her words or to get a simple email from her. I am not sure what I have done to deserve this second chance, but I am grateful and I still miss you my love. Her name is Alwayscurious and she says that she will fly out to see me one day.

Misty, I took my 1st backpacking trip since August of last year- those 220 miles with you in my heart and in my mind. It felt a little hollow to be out there. The restlessness that I once felt and the need to be out there is gone. I am content and at peace in so many ways. Is it funny to say that I no longer fear death because in death there is a chance in seeing you waiting for me on the other side with open arms? I don't have a death wish, but I do feel that if death were to take me or if I was told that it was coming for me soon, I would welcome it. My purpose seems done here. My daughter is a happy and kind one. She sees the world as a wonderful place and walks in it with laughter and without fear. My family is strong and secure. What more could I ask for in a life? I have no doubt that I have many more years left on this Earth, but knowing you has changed me in ways that I am still discovering. My regret in life is that we never had a chance to hold each other and feel the warmth of our passionate embrace. My despair is that I tire of talking to the wind with the hope that you will hear me. I am desperate for a sign that you can hear me, yet I know that there will never be one. I talk the wind so that our love does not fade into memory and so that it lives on. How long can I talk to the wind with ears that strain to the heavens to try to hear your sweet voice in my ears once more?