sunshine
Registered User

I have been lying to myself for the past 13 years. I lie to myself that you will hear my words and that I will see you one day. The thought of an afterlife seems absurd. Yet loving you, a person who I knew as a text on a screen and a voice on the phone is absurd to anyone who would hear the tale of you and I. I chose to lie to myself because I am NEED to remember you.l I cherish the gift that was your hard won love. Your gift to me for my patience, my attention, and desire for you to be healthy and happy....even if it meant that you would eventually leave me for another. I lie to myself because there is no choice. I have to believe and have faith in us. I still burn and yearn for what the promise of us was. I seek out that promise here, online. Yet, I am never fulfilled. Like a glass without a bottom, I can never satisfy my thirst. I accept that this is what I have when it comes to you....beautiful memories and gut wrenching desires that I suppress and try to kill. But, like hope....the dream cannot die. So I am here, in the dark telling myself that I am writing to you when I am just telling myself the lie that you are still here with me....listening to my words cast into the night.

I have been thinking about where you now fit into my life. I thought it was lust, but realized it is not that. Lust is hot, passionate, and burning like the moth to the flame. You are beyond my grasp and on the other side of the flame. You are in the darkness of the night that surrounds me as I type late into the night on this screen. What I feel for you is longing. The yearning for something that you remember and can taste on the tip of your tongue when you close your eyes and savor the experience that once was but is no more than the fading memory of it. I long for you like a traveler who has been on the road for many countless miles....working his way home step by step. The image of his love held fast in his mind...driving each hard step forward to get home to his love. I long for you as a man who craves water in the desert. I long to taste your lips and to hold you in my arms to savor the warm of your body and of your love. I long for the memory of you and of us....what we had, what we shared.....the mutual desire for each other. You are gone, I am left here....savoring the sound of your voice. I only hear whispers of your voice that fade into the corners of this dark and empty room. I cling to no hope, but I still long for what I will never have. Maybe when time takes me and I awaken into a new world, I will open my eyes to gaze upon your face and hear your voice welcoming me home...into your loving arms.

Misty....it has been a while and I am sorry for not visiting you sooner. I went on a wonderful trip....driving down to San Diego, visiting the historical Spanish Missions. Seeing museums and enjoying some good food. We drove to Red Rock National Park, just outside Las Vegas to do two nights of camping. Snow at 7000 ft in the desert! We did an 11 mile day hike. I hope you can see the world through my eyes....see the natural beauty that recharges my soul. I hope you see how lucky I am to have someone in my life who loves me deeply and I love her equally so. Yet, I always come back to you....because you will always be part of my life. You are the unfulfilled fantasy of what I desire and lust for that is not part of my life. Part of me will always be here....this dark place, this taboo. Maybe this is how I keep you in my heart....with a longing desire that won't be fulfilled. I keep it here for us....I suppress that desire, so I can enjoy what I have now....yet keep it here to share with you......putting it in its place. Maybe that is sad, but it is what I have done. I am almost 54 yrs old....you remain 36 years old forever.

It has been a very wet, rainy year, which we desperately need in the drought stricken West of California. I think about your last words for me. That I would find you in the waters. You would be in the waves of the ocean crashing upon the beach. You would be with me on the trail with the rivers and streams by my side. Water is life. It is a gift...you were a gift to me. I am heading out on a vacation....some little bit on the trail. I will see you in the waters....I will reach down and touch the cold winter rains and think of you....thinking that I am touching you too. I honor you and us by simply sharing our story....our memory of love. I remember you because you matter and are important to me. I miss you....always.

Happy Valentines Day my Sunshine! I gave my wife a lapis necklace....deep blue beads of stone with golden accents. I gave my daughter a light blue pendant with matching earrings. Nothing crazy expensive, but tokens of my love to them. All I can give you are the stories of my life. I know that you would be happy that I have given these tokens of my love and affection to those I love and cherish. For you, all I can do is let you know that my life is full and happy. I do miss you and I honor you by remembering you. To never forget you. So that you might live on in the memory of myself and anyone who might find there way to these words. I still desire you...I desire the endless promise of what we could have been. Dreams never die and therefore you will out live me....I love you and I miss you my dear.

It has been raining heavily these past two weeks and I am grateful for it, as we have been in a multi year drought that really threatens all of us. Extreme weather is the normal now....years of hot summers, fires, and little rain. When it does rain, it can be extreme with flooding. Rain makes me think of you. You said that I would be able to find you in the water, after you passed. When I hike along a high mountain trail, I look to the stream that is next to me....listening to the gurgle of the water rolling across rocks and logs. I smile, knowing that you are close to me. When my face is dripping with sweat, I kneel down to the water's edge and cup my hands to splash the cool water to my face. I think that you are touching me, caressing my face. Water is life, it is hope. You gave me hope....for something better, exciting, titillating. So we have this rain, heavy....the sound of it like a drum strike, hitting the roof of the house. I am in the dark, typing, and I know you are with me....just outside, knocking on my roof top...wanting to come in to join me. I smile...knowing you are there.

Happy New Year my Sunshine. A new year comes with the promise of something better than the year before. One step closer to a retirement, one step closer to financial independence....one more year for a trip to the mountains or to another country. Part of me feels like I am creating memories for both of us. I hope that you can see the world through my eyes. For you to come with me on my life's journeys. For you to laugh at me when I do stupid things, to look on with awe at the natural spenders of the world that I am privileged to see.....to see the happiness that I have with my family. For you to simply know that I am okay and doing well. No need to worry about me. Maybe, if you see the world through my eyes, you will truly know that you were and are still remembered and loved. In life, you never allowed yourself to know and feel your worth. If only you could have seen yourself through the eyes of those who loved you...things might have been different. Though, if you did, perhaps, we would have never have met. I would be okay with that....if it meant you found happiness.

I wanted to gently hold you in my arms to let you feel the warmth of my love and so I could shelter you from your demons. Most of all, I just wanted you to be healthy and happy in life.....even if it meant that you would never see me again. When you past, I pleaded with the heavens and offered deals and sacrifices, just if you could live again and be healthy and happy.....if that price was your never remembering me and never seeing me....I would pay that price and make that bargain with the powers that be. But all i have now are the bitter taste of your burn ashes in my mouth and the fading memory of your voice in my head. Maybe, when that fade....I know that I will have the memory of loving you and your loving me.

You live in the realm of my dreams.....where my darkest and unfulfilled fantasies hide from the light of day. You are the stuff of memory and desire....you are the sum of my frustrations and burning passions that I have yearned for. You are the flame of hope that flickers in the storm and I am the moth seeking warmth and using my body to shield you from the puff of wind that will snuff you out. You are all these things and more. You are someone I love....beyond what I lusted for by flesh. My mind and heart fell in love with the mystery that was you. Your harness that only sheltered a wounded soul that was caring and tender. You loathed yourself and I adored you. You valued yourself so little and I found you to be so rare and precious like water in the desert. I understood how you felt because I used to feel that way about myself too. I learned to forgive myself and to accept myself. I wanted you to be able to see with my eyes, how special you were. So there it is, I want to hurt you and torture you sexually til you cried out begging for more.....

I forgot that it was the anniversary of your passing 12 yrs ago. That made me sad that I forgot....then again, maybe it means that I have moved on. I will never stop loving you and will never forget you. I just dare to imagine what if...what if we had a night together....a day, or even lunch. Just to see you, hold you, to hear your voice again. How long can a heart grieve when there are no more tears to shed and the pain of heartache is gone? Regrets, sadness....but thankful for where I am now in my life. Having found love, happiness....you are my dark dream and desire unfulfilled. Maybe when I die....I will fulfill this life time of regret and desire for you.