sunshine
Registered User

I was at Pandora with my daughter today. She was buying some rings that were on sale. On the big screen tv, they had videos of various rings and things floating by for all to see. Then there was a small padlock and key that said Love. It was for one of their bracelets or maybe as a pendant. I immediately know that was what I wanted to get you. It was a perfect symbol of our love and relationship. I thought about how over joyed you would be at receiving such a small token. You would feel uncomfortable with the thought of me getting you anything. Still, I would insist that you take it. You would wear it and think of me when you touched it as you went about your day. Then I thought about kissing you tenderly and making love to you gently, softly....lovingly. Then I imagined doing wicked and terrible things to you that would make you lose your breath and have you dripping with desire and begging me for more. A perfect circle of need, desire, lust, and love between us. Each providing the other what they need. A lock and key that fits together so perfectly. As all of these things rushed through my mind, as I stood in the middle of the store, I felt a tear well up in the smallest corner of my eye. Because I know that you are gone and that I can never give you such gifts to make you smile. In sadness, I left the store with my daughter....happy to spend the day with her, sad at the thought that all these daydreams can never see the light of day.

My Sunshine...another year has pasted and life is good. I am happy, I am loved, and despite the world being in a pandemic, I know that things will turn out well. I like to think that you look over me, smile down upon me when you see me happy, and to laugh your heart out when I do stupid things. Just know that down here, a silly man still thinks about you...remembers you and still loves you. Be well my love.....my Sunshine that lights my way and warms me with the rays of your love.

Misty, I finally saw you in my dreams after 11 years of hoping that you might come back to me. I hugged you so hard that I would not let you go, my face pressed into your shoulder. I was a deep hug, full of the years of longing, all the words that I wish I had said to you were pressed into that hug. The depth of my love and the tenderness of letting you know that I was finally with you. I saw your face for a moment....clearly. There was some surprise on my part that I could see your face clearly. We only exchanged a few words, because what do you say in a moment like that? Words fail, though it was my words that made you fall in love with me. I wanted more, so much more, then I awoke in my bed looking up at the ceiling with the light of a new dawn trickling into the room. Night was stolen from me. I was so happy that I held you in my arms! Yet, I was desperate to talk to you, to spend more time with you. I closed my eyes, but the sleep would not come. I woke up today so grateful for this gift! I am smiling now as I type these words. Grateful for knowing you, grateful to give that hug we never had in real life. Only in my dreams....and they have to be enough for US. It is all that we have left.

Today is another day and another year that I mark your passing. I have no more tears to shed. The hole in my chest has healed and I can breath once more. You passing was the greatest pain I have felt because it was not my flesh that was burned.....it was my heart, which I had cloaked in an iron shell to numb me from the pain of the world. Your love, our lust, our long talks, they melted my iron shell and left my heart open to your love and the pain of your death. Despite this pain, I have no regrets. I have learned that inorder to love, one must risk feeling the pain of loss. You cannot have the possibility of one without the other. I am grateful for what you taught me. I remember you, I miss you, and I still love you in my way. Here is my secret place where I share my thought with you. Here is the place you live on for me, when my mind struggles to remember the sound of your voice.

I am sure that many people would say that I sad and possibly pathetic to linger over your passing for all these years. That I should let you go and move on. How can I let you go? How to you mourn someone who wasn't supposed to exist? How to talk to others about the death of your mistress....a woman that you were cheating on your wife with? If letting go is a process, then it is denied to me because there is no one to talk to. If life is its own punishment, then I have gotten what I have deserved. The grief and pain of losing you and yet never haven't gotten the opportunity to kiss you, to hold you in my arms....In this, I am the worst cheater of all time. I fell in love with a woman who died before I could meet her in real life. I spoke to her on the phone, I texted and chatted with her daily. She was part of my daily life. She was real to me in all the ways that mattered and I like to think that I was there for her in the same way. Love is never perfect. This was messy, but pure. Beyond the physical...beyond looks. I feel her soul and we touched each other deeply. On her death bed, she worried about me worrying about her. I am deeply humbled and touched by her gift to me at the end...a selflessness that finally proved to me that I was someone who could be truly love. Her gift was one big step on the path that has lead me to where I am now...re-married, loved, and able to love back....to accept that I am a good person deserving of and willing to accept being loved.

My Sunshine...I have returned from the Mountains of the Ruby Crest Trail. I reached the top of Mt. Wines and wrote about you in the log in a preserving jar wtih a note pad. I wrote that you were taken away by cancer at the age of 36...forever young and now I am getting old. I wrote that getting to these peaks were the closest that I could get to heaven....as close as I could get to you. I had miles to daydream about you and I....I even fantasized about what could have been. The deliciously terrible things that I would do to you and how much you would have loved it....begged for it. You still stir the passion in me my love....

Oddly, THIS was not as important as I thought. Making a connection, like the one that we had, was what was important...as I was more alone than sex starved. Misty, because of you...I was put on the path that has led me to my 2nd wife. I am loved deeply and I feel deeply for her. Where I thought that the sexual acts were most important, I have come to realize that it is the personal and deep emotional connection that is satisfying. Knowing that someone loves me for who I am....appreciates me and wants me to be happy. And I feel all those things for her too. That said, I do desire what we could have had....the sex would have beeen crazy good....out connection was deep...as much as there was the fantasy of US, there was the deep connection that we shared....an unexpected gift, when we only sought the shallow touch of lust. We found love across the darkness of these typed pages and cherished phone calls. Thank you for being a part of my life...and having the deep impact on the course of my path that I walk...

Today that I realized that had I not met you, I would not be married to the woman that I am with now. Sadly, it was my emotional infidelity with you that shined a light on the unhappiness in my marriage. Being with you was a symptom of the long crumbling of my disfunctional marriage. In being with you, I had hope for something better, something exciting to look forward to...the fantasy of US gave me something to look forward to in my long days and unfulfilled nights. After your passing, my marriage would only last 4 more years. 20 years together, some good years, many unfulled years. Facing the failure of my marriage, I looked deeply into my heart and thought about what I needed in my life to be happy.

Misty....it has been a few months since I last visited you. You are never too far from my thoughts in the darkness of the night. You are as you have been from the moment that I first met you...out of reach and a burning fantasy that stirs my loins and gives hope to dark desires. In that sense, I will always have you close to me. I hope that you know that I am well and happy....content in my new life. I know that you are happy for me. Just know that I will always think of you fondly and with love. Now, if I could just flog your ass to get you to squirm with lust and desire...lol

Misty...I had a startling realization this morning while eating breakfast in bed, before going to work. I do miss you and I still love you, but if I could change the universe and have you come back to me, I would not. I have a wonderful woman in my life, who loves me deeply and lets me know each day that I am with her that I am loved. And I love her too....truly. If I could change the universe and bring you back, then this woman would be cast out of my life. I couldn't do that to her and I need her in my life. This revelation was bitter sweet. My honest regret is that we never had a chance to play, to kiss, to have me hold you close to me, so you could feel the warmth of my body and to feel the love that I have for you. Maybe, in that singular embrace, to give you peace and comfort....dare I say, to make you feel safe. Part of that regret, is that we did not get a chance to do horrible and wicked things together.....to explore THIS...to push the limits.....to burn like a star the brightness of our love and lust. Moths to the flame. I realize that you are a major fork in the path that is my life. You are a chapter that is short, but powerful.....the iceburg that turn the ship and course of my life. I am better for knowing and loving you and for being loved by you. I am grateful for having known you. You are remembered...for as many days as I can walk this earth.