sunshine
Registered User

My Sunshine....I keep coming back to you. Part of me needs you in my life. There is a thin cord that is as thin as spider's silk that binds us together. The thread is strong and catches the glint of the sunshine if you see it in the right angle. I still lust after you...I yearn to hear you groan with each flick of the riding crop against your breast or brushing up against your erect nipple. I ache to hear you whimper as I run the tip of the crop across your back as your wrist are bound about your head. I feel the rush of my erection pressing against your bare, red bottom...flush from the strokes of my desire laid bare upon your skin. I long to hear you beg me to give you more....to see your wetness run down your thigh as I whisper into your ear the nasty things that I will do to you. I look up into the heavens and despair that I cannot grow wings to fly up to the heavens to take you in my arms....

Relationships are never easy...they require work and faith. They require being honest with yourself and to be willing to ask uncomfortable questions. The small problems today, if not address will grow to become the undoing of your love. I strive to learn from my mistakes....to be wiser and hopefully be happier as a result. Love is deepened when challenged, if only we rise up to its challenges.

I wanted to thank the website Admin for keeping this website up and going. This place is my refugee for my grief and it is the memorial to my Sunshine who passed away years ago. This is the place where she lives on, where I remember her and talk to her. Here she is not forgotten. Thank you for allowing me to have this space to honor the memory of my Sunshine.

Happy New Year my love. I am sorry that I did not visit you last month. It was a good holiday season...time with my wife and daughter and a few other people. It is a good time to be an introvert and stay home. I am grateful for the love that I have in my life. I am grateful for second chances. I wish the lessons that I learned because of you and with you were so painful and costly. As a decade has gone by since you died, I regret less and less and cry fewer tears.....now I linger on how tragic it was that you died so young at the age of 36. I am 51 years old now....you will forever be 36 yrs old....frozen in time and captured in my fading memories. I clutch the memories that I have of you close to my heart. I walk to work and feel the sun upon my face and say hello to you, "My Sunshine." Time passes and I continue to greet you with the rising sun and I lust after what could have been when I lay my head upon my pillow to see the darkness of night take me to you.

Pieces of you I carry in my heart. The shards of my frozen tears lay deep in my flesh and pierce my heart. A cold reminder of your passing. The sharp pain a reminder of the incompleteness of my life. The warmth of my new love melts those tears and I feel the hot flow of blood spilling out. Crimson stains cover me in a reminder that I am alive and that my heart still beats. The blood flows like a river but never stops. As my love is endless for you and the new woman in my life...there is room for both of your in my heart. Better to bleed than to be frozen in grief and to stop feeling the warmth of all the years before me. Shards in my heart are gone, the wounds of your passing will never heal, but that it okay. Life is a journey of scars that tell the story of a life well lived.

Misty....today is the day that broke my soul and I cried like i have never cried before. I howled at the winds on a lonely ridge overlooking the bay. I read your last words to me like they were the bible of our love. I cried out in vain to the heavens to make deals to bring you back to me. I wept til there were no tears left and only the salty stain of my frustrations upon my cheeks. Despite all that hurt, in the end I felt something deep within me. I had been asleep before I had met you. Now I was alive, but the proof was the gaping hole in my chest and that ache told me that I was alive. Since then, I have let emotions and feelings creep into my daily existence. You are the creeping terminal disease that rust the emotional amour that I have built up plate by plate in the years of my life. You leave me raw and bare, but in that vulnerability there was a chance at happiness and joy. Without the ability to risk feeling pain, there cannot be the possibility of feeling the strong emotions on the opposite side of the spectrum. Though the lesson you have taught me was hard and scars me for the rest of my days, I am grateful, thankful, and humbled by your love. Your gift is dear, just as you are still dear to me all these years later. I love you....I remember you. You deserve to be remembered, despite your thinkiing other wise. My Sunshine....

5 Days from now will be 10 years since your passing. I almost forgot. I was re-reading my past messages to you and was reminded that the time was coming. Should I feel bad not counting down the days? Or does it mean that my grief is gone, that I have moved on and that I am happy? No longer feeling the pain of your death doesn't mean that I don't love or care for you. It took me a long time to learn this. Love is not measured by the amount of pain felt for you. Love is measured by the act of remembering you so that you are not forgotten. In those brief moments that I think of you, you are alive once again. You laugh in my mind and memory, you tease me, you make me lust after you....you make me care about you. All these things felt and remembered in the few moments I call out your name, my sweet Sunshine.

Sunshine....I met a man who lost his wife some 15 yrs ago and he still grieves her passing. I told him about you. I told him that in grief, there was a time where I felt that if the pain of my grief faded, it made me feel as if I didn't love you anymore. He nodded and quietly pointed at my heart....he knew what I had said. He felt it and his eyes watered and his voice cracked a little as he thought of his wife. Though he was with another woman, who he called his partner, there was only ONE wife for him. It felt good to share just a little bit of my story about you and to share my grief. I have learned that it is okay to let go of my grief and pain over your young death. I know that simply coming here is honoring you and keeping your memory alive. It is a solitary act that I do to symbolize my cotinuing love for you. I can no longer talk to you and hear your laughter or your voice. We can no longer flirt with each other. I cannot lust after you as I did before. How can you fuck a ghost? How can you torment and make a ghost moan with desire? Words are all that I have now and they spill into the darkneses of night, never to be seen by your eyes. Any words of comfort that you might have for me are simply lost in the storm of my frustrations as my ears strain to remember the sound of your voice. Futile are hopes of the living to reach out to touch the heart of the dead. Yet, here I am once again in the night, sending paper airplanes into the fiery cauldron of my own lies.....

Sunshine....life is good and I have discovered a love that simply makes me smile when I think about how fortunate I am in life. Life full of silly moments that make you laugh and to enjoy the smile on the face of the one that you love. It is not perfect, but it is perfectly messed up in all the ways that matter. Yet, I am tethered to you and this place. I always come back to you. Simply because I miss you....I honor the memory of you and of what we had. You elude my dreams, you hide from me in the few glimpses that I have had of you in just three dreams of you in 10 yrs. Grateful for each one of those dreams...yet frustrating. I lust for you, I miss making YOU laugh, and I miss our flirtations that promised sooo much. Call me a fool for falling for you, but does not the moon follow the sun and chase each other endlessly for all of time? I still love you....my heart is big enough to have love for you and the woman in my life now.