sunshine
Registered User

Misty....I am not sure what I can tell you anymore. I still think about you...especially in the mornings when I am walking from the parking lot to the office. When the sun is out and shining on me. I can feel the warmth of the sun on my face. It makes me think of you and for a brief moment, I say good morning to you and imagine that the rays of the sun are your fingers caressing my face. I look up to the big, blue sky and take comfort in imagining that you are looking down upon me. How many times can I tell you about how much you mean to me? How many times can I whisper to the wind that I think of you and that I still love you in my way. Yet, there is only silence in return. I never hear your voice and I admit that the sound of your voice is fading from my mind to a point that it is a shadow....a memory that I am not sure of anymore. Your voice fades, but I hold onto the indisputable fact that you loved me deeply at the end of your life. That means a lot to me...something that I hold dear. No matter what happens in my life, to know that you loved me deeply is contentment enough. Greedily, I just wish that I had more time with you....that WE had more time together.

I am back again my dearest. I had a great weekend with my daughter and ex wife with some other families while at a gymnastic competition. We rented a house and three families shared it. We made breakfast together, watched the girls compete, had dinner together and shared drinks and played dominoes. There was much laughing, joking, and poking fun at each other with a healthy dose of swearing at each other in jest. We were up late in the morning. My ex and I shared a plate of desert together. It was like ole times, but really not. When I was married, we never did things like this together as a couple. We worked hard, saved money, fixed up our house, had a dog, and raised a child. All the things that we were supposed to do. But we failed to be a couple....to make time for the little things. Because of this, there was the opportunity for us to meet, for which I am grateful. I was lonely in my marriage and you were here and we found each other. I will always be grateful for you. This weekend was a lie, a beautiful lie of what my life should have been, but will never be. For a weekend, I could pretend that I was married and had a full family again. I remember you in this moment and the woman who is in my life today, whom I love deeply. I would not trade my life today for the shadow of a life that I had when I was married. Life is complicated when you are married with a child. The bond is cut, but held together with the threads of the young life that we created together.

Misty....I was afraid that I had gone a month without coming to visit you. This is the place that I go to remember you....to keep your spirit alive and for me to think that the world has not forgotten you. I saw something that reminded me of you...reminded me of what could have been. It was the 2nd season of the tv show, The Punisher. There is a therapist who falls for her damaged patient and when they have sex for the first time, she is turned on by pain. The man discovers this and finds that she welcomes the pain and wants him to hurt her. This reminded me of you...it was a powerful reminder and a turn on. Something that I have forgotten, but find still excites me. You are my fantasy...my dream that scares me as much as it turns me on. I miss the playful flirting between us. Being turned on by you and knowing that I could turn you one with my imagination and my words....I hesitate to ask why fate took you away from me as I don't wish to be a victim of the story that is you and I. Just know that I remember you, that I still love you in my own way.

Merry Xmas my Sunshine. Life has been good and busy. All of last month I was a student again...studying 2 hrs each night after work and 4 to 6 hours each Saturday and Sunday for a whole month. Getting my State License...well, another one. Did well...91.3% on my test where you only need 60% to pass, which seems sad/lame that it is so low. I put everything aside to study....yard work, cleaning around the house....even being on the computer. I ask myself why I have not gone out to visit your grave or to see Kim. My gf knows about you and would not object to my going to visit you. Part of me is afraid of what I might feel.....the return of the anguish of your death slamming me in the chest to pull the life from me. The dull pain of feeling something pulled from under me. Maybe to see your name on a tombstone would make you real when you have been a voice over the phone and text on my screen. What would I feel? Would it change anything?

MIsty, Forgive me for I did not visit you on the 25th, which marks 8 years since you pasted. I knew that the day was coming. I thought about it. I had some sense of dread with the day quickly approaching. Yet, I forgot to visit you here. Can I say that it slipped my mind? Does this mean that I am finally over your death? Can I simply be honest to tell you that the pain of your death no longer pains me as it did in the past? I am past tears. I am beyond hope in ever seeing you again or seeing you in my dreams....as you have only come to me twice and each time so far away, I could never see your face. My only lingering question is will I see you on my death bed? Will the neurons in my head fire off their last dark secret as I give up my mortal coil? Will you come to me at last. What will we say to each other? Will my loved ones around me wonder who you are? Will my wife at that time recoil in horror that it is you that I see in the end? Questions only to be answered a long time from now. Today, I remember you. Yesterday I mourned and grieved you. In the future, I will be looking for you with anticipation. For now, I remember you so that who you were and what you meant to me never dies. You deserved to be remembered because we loved each other.

I am going out on the trail in a few days. I have to remind myself that you are in the waters besides me on the trail as I enjoy my hike into solitude. There are times where I will kneel down by the waters edge to reach out to touch the cool waters to feel the wetness of the water. I have to remember that this is the way that I can touch you. Sometimes I forget about you when I am out there and I feel a little ashamed. I talk to you under my breath so that no one else might hear the words that I say. It is coming up on 8 years since your passing and I am finding myself talking to you here, in this place once a month....almost without fail. It strikes me as an odd thing to do, but not to come here to talk to you seems wrong. I wish that I had someone to talk to you about YOU. Someone who could share their stories about you with me. Just so that it isn't just the memories in my head of you. The pain of losing you has faded. The anguish is gone and now there is this sadness about not being able to hear the sound of your voice. The fading of the fantasies that I had of you. The passion for it has faded....to think too hard about it is to scratch the surface of something painful. I am trying to forget that part of me...it is as if the fantasy of being with you now is fading into myth....an unreality that is becoming difficult to comprehend as being even a possibility.

Why have I never gone to visit you at your grave? I have been divorced for 4 years now and I am free to see you whenever I please. Honestly, I don't know where your ashes lay. Only your roommate knows and I have yet to ask her where you are. Are you best left as the fantasy in my wild imagination? Would I simply crumple into a balling mess at the foot of your grave marker? Would I simply reach out to gently stroke the letters of your name on my finger tips as I fondly remembered you? I ask myself these things and I am not sure what the truth of the matter is. All I know is that I want to see you....I need to see you sometime in my life. Next year, I believe that I will be doing a trek to Nepal and will ascend to 16,500 ft.....again, closer to you in the heavens. A year after your passing, I made it to 14,500 ft to leave my love letter to you atop the mountain where others could read of the tale of our love. Perhaps, chasing mountains is where I will find you as you have eluded most of my dreams...save for two. And in those, you were a shadow for me to chase. I miss hearing your voice. I miss talking to you. I miss the tantalizing promise of lust filled desires to be played out on your body. Sexual freedom...something to look forward to in a dull life before I met you. I miss THAT thing that we shared.....

Hello my Sunshine. I have returned from Spain and Portugal with my daughter and girl friend. It was a good trip....I enjoyed having time to get closer to my daughter. I missed having time with my gf, but price you pay when there are six people traveling together.....my gf's mother, cousin, and nephew came too. Saw many amazing historical places, art work, churches, things of beauty. I thought of you, as I do from time to time. I wanted you...I lusted for you. I chase the memory of what we could have done together. Perhaps the fantasy will always haunt me.

Misty, I am now 49 years old and you are still and always 36 years old. It has been almost 8 years since you died. I remain and I remember you....I honor your memory so that you are never forgotten. I am going to Spain and Portugal with my daughter, girl friend and members of her family. Their will be six of us. I hope and wonder if you can see the world through my eyes. Can you join me on my adventures? I still think of you fondly. I find it harder to think of you in a directly sexual way. You are my friend....you have always been that first and foremost. I did lust have you so badly.....now I have vague fantasies of what could have been. Maybe this part of me has died with you. I tell myself that I want to visit your grave, but only Kim knows where you are at. I don't exactly know where she is either. It seems somewhat silly to me that I love a woman and yet do not know where she is at. Silly indeed, I am. But I still love you in my way.....

I have returned from Alaska....I have stood on a glacier and drank its cold waters from snow fall that could be a thousand years old. I have felt the winds of 20 ft seas blasting against my body on an open deck of a ship. I have walked in the damp, green woods of the forest....and I have always listened for the sound of your voice in the winds. Yet, I never heard from you. I spent time with my family and I had an opportunity to connect with my daughter. I had a lust filled night of sleeplessness and I wondered what it would have been like to lay with you. I dreamed of what it would be like to fulfill our secret desires together. I wanted you....yet my arms could never reach out to wrap them around you to feel your warmth. Despite all of it, I had a great trip. I have not forgotten you. My life is good....I have love in my life. Yet, I will never forget you.