sunshine
Registered User

Why have I not gone to visit your grave? I ask myself this often. Yet, I find that I do not come to you. Do I offend my girl friend by letting her know that I am going to see you? What do I say to your roommate when I come to visit you? Do we play together? Are we just friends? Would I be physically attracted to her? Is she like my sister. These are the complications that surround you. Are you only to exist in my mind's eye? Only a voice in my ear that I imagined all the lustful things that I wanted to do to you? Was it all fantasy? No, it was not. My feelings for you were beyond the physical....it was the emotional. A deep sense of connection. I can only dream of what it might have been like had we met in person. I am sure it would have been complicated. You are no easy puzzle. The reality is so much more different than the illusion of the mind. Still.....when can I come to see you? What will I feel. Will I feel emptiness or will all the grief come back to me and leave me sobbing at your grave.....when will I know.

Losing you to Life. When I hike on the trails in the back country, I am reminded of you. I look for you in the waters of the rivers and streams that lie next to me on the trail. I look for you, but you are not there. I talk to the mountains and to the winds, but never hear your voice calling back to me. I hold onto the memory of a dead woman who loved me and I loved her. Your voice fades from my memory and I have no image of your face to help me grab onto the memory of you. There are only feelings left. The burning pain of your passing is gone....there is emptiness, but there is now another love in my life. That love grows and you seem to fade, but my love for you remains. Tarnished by time....but it is there. I never struggle to remember that. I honor your love and your memory....I wish that you could have lived. Maybe you would be in my arms today. I can only dream and perhaps that is where you are for me...in my daydreams and fantasies of a world that could have been.

My Sunshine....I returned from a desert backpacking trip at Joshua Tree. It was the 37.5 mile California Hiking and Riding Trail. No water to speak of. We had to cache water jugs for ourselves along the trail. Surprisingly, windy and chilly to the point that we had to hike with wind shirts most of the time. I had time to think about you while I was out there. It struck me that the desert is so dry that there are no tears that can fall there. You have been gone so long, it has become difficult to imagine what sex would have been like with you. My fantasies are no longer of you simply because my mind has accepted that it will never be a possibility in this life time. Still, I think of you....and I miss you. I talk to you on the lonely sections of the trail where I find that I am hiking alone. You are with me and my thoughts do fall to you. I hope that you can see the world through my eyes. I hope that it brings you joy to see the world as I do.....to share in my adventures. Thinking of you makes me smile because I know that you loved me and I take great comfort in that love.

I can not help myself but to think of you from time to time. My girl friend "caught" me coming to this website. She thought that I might be falling into old habits and was talking to strange women...looking for the fetish that I have for THIS. I told her that this is the place that I go to mourn you. There is no tombstone with your name on it. There is only the whisper of your voice that lingers in my head and that I am reminded of when I talk to your roommate. She understand that you mean something important to me and that she is not threatened by you. She is flesh and blood, the warm body that lies next to me in the middle of the night. She is the hand in the dark that reaches out to hold my hand while she slumbers. She loves me and I love her. I am lucky in my life in so many ways. You are one of my lucky happenings, despite the terrible pain of missing you. Things are better....I am happy. I will never forget you. How could I? I want to visit your grave site one day. I want to touch your name plate so I know that you were real. That it was not just a dream. The feelings that I have for you tell me that you have and will always be real.

Happy New Year love. I spoke to your old roommate. She is doing well. She is my only living link to you. She is special in my heart. I hope to actually meet her one day. I hope to visit your grave. I wonder if I will break down in a sea of tears....seeing your name, seeing something tangible that makes you real beyond the simple memories that I have of you. I yearn to get back onto the trail to be on my own....to feel you close to me. When I am out there, I think of you when the moments are quiet. You are my sexual daydream on the trail. The fantasy that stirs my soul. I need that....that bit of excitement that has eluded me in my daily life. In that sense, I need you......and why I will always miss you, beyond the love that I feel for you that you felt for me. I love given that only serves to humble me to no end and that makes me honest with myself and my desires.

Merry Xmas Misty....I am alone. Friends have left after a nice dinner and good times with childhood friends. House is clean and now it is dark and the house is quiet. My thoughts always goes to you in these silent moments. My desires are strong and they will never disappear. I accept this. These thoughts are the place where you live in my mind. Where you are not forgotten. In my mind, you are beautiful, sexy, alluring, and you are the muse to which my imagination runs wild. I love you for that. I love that you give me a hope for something that is out of my reach. Maybe it is my tragedy. I accept that maybe this desire is just for you. I hope you smile knowing that I have never forgotten you. I am past regret, but I will always long for you. Be well, smile and be at peace my love.

I give thanks to you Misty...for the chance to know you. For sharing an incredibly passionate year together. The kind of passion that sees sparks fly....the days where my heart raced in anticipation of talking to you. The smoldering desire that only grew hotter and more brilliant with the passing of time. I am thankful for the surprise of discovering that we loved each other. An unexpected development for both of us. I am thankful for feeling your love and for your willingness to give it to me. I know that you do not love easily and do not trust your heart to others carelessly. That you should feel so strongly about me at the end of your days has been one of the most humbling things in my life. Your love forever taught me that I was a good person, worthy of love. That I was lovable, even when I did not believe it deep down to my core. I am thankful for this life lesson. I am grateful to you. I still think of you often....with lingering sorrow. I honor your memory because I love you....and your life deserves to be remembered. You are important in this world that you left behind. Please know that I still think of you fondly and care about you. Love....

When I hike and I hear the sound of a gurgling brook or stream, I think of you. I take comfort in knowing that you are in the waters next to me. When I backpack, I know that I am coming home to you. In the seemingly endless hours that pass by on the trail...my thoughts eventually come to you. I think of you and no longer know what you are in my mind. I occasionally have fantasies of what we might have done together. But mostly, I remember the brief time that we had together. The intensity of it. I think of the woman who is in my life now and of how different she is to you. I think about how this woman makes me feel happy to join me on the trail. I think that you would be happy for me. I wonder about hiking the John Muir Trail again....so I can honor you and to have a different experience of the trail. Less grief and more wonder and joy. Some joy because I know that you are with me when I walk the trails. I am not alone....I have the memory of your love.

I am thinking about you....lusting after you. My darkest desires and dreams always fall to you. You are the hope that burns within me that is promise of something wonderful....something animistic....primal. My need and desire for THIS. I want you. I wish I could have you....for there is no one left for me to share this desire with. Who would give their flesh unto me?

Misty....I returned to the mountains and took my girl friend with me. 4 days and 36 miles in the Sierras. I dreamed of you, but I never saw your face or spoke to you. In my dream, my parents and family learned of who you were and of our relationship. In its own way, it was comforting to have you out in the open....no longer just a secret held here or with just a few people. I dreamed of my ex college girl friend....of her trying to seduce me, but then coming to the realization that she was mentally not stable or well. Fantasies shattered and the realization that maybe all of it was never to be. My frustration is that despite all of these years since your passing, I have never been able to visit you in my dreams. One once or twice and we never spoke and you were just beyond my grasp. It was good to be out in the mountains and to be able to share it with my girl friend. I spoke to you while I was on the trail...just for a moment. I am afraid that you will always be lost to me. Even in my dreams I am denied your company. So here I stand, honoring your memory and honoring our love. Am I a fool? I think not....but I will always feel this bit of sadness of all that was never to be. My regret is never holding you in my arms. My regret is not being able to hear your voice over the phone.....missing you.