Who serves whom, third asignment by Satan Klaus

I abandoned my first attempt at this asignment and wrote a completely different story. I don't know why the first one didn't work out but it seemed I was going in circles, adding more and more words without adding meaning or story. Maybe it was simply a bad idea from the beginning or maybe I will finish it someday.

Anyway, here is my third asignment. It is a little short but I like it for several reasons.



Who serves whom?

Jason put down the rag and surveyed his work. He had cleared up the playroom and swabbed everything down with disinfectant: walls, floor, toys. His knees were sore and his head was spinning from the solvent. He found another plug and disdainfully dumped it in his cleaning tub. Bodily fluids were fine with him during playtime. After a day or two, they were simply disgusting.

As always, the clock was working against him. He picked up the toys for the day and hurried upstairs; a meal had to be prepared, a table had to be laid and candles had to be lit. All before she got home. Jason stopped to catch his breath and caught his reflection in the mirror. He didn’t like what he saw. Dark rings were clearly visible under his steel blue eyes. No wonder he looked like that, he thought: He got up an hour before Francine so that he could leave work early. So that he could prepare everything.

All for her.

It was a labor of love for the woman he loved, he ruefully reminded himself as he laid the table with a single setting, making an effort to turn that frown upside down. Jason was not just fooling himself. He truly worshipped the ground on which Francine treaded but sometimes everything just went over his head. He selected a good wine to go along with the meal he had prepared and took a deep breath, surveying his work. Almost perfect. He adjusted the single chair to perfectly match the setting and laid out the doggie bowl and pillow on the floor next to it.

He had barely finished dressing when Jason heard the ‘toc toc’ of her heels on the hall. Even after five years, he trembled with anticipation, uncertain if everything was good and to her liking.

As always, it was perfect.


********** One week later **********

The floor was dirty, Francine noted, so unlike Jason. She had been away for a week on business but he knew exactly when she would be coming home. Bewildered she placed down her suitcase and looked around. It was as if Jason had not lifted a finger while she had been away.

There was some noise coming from the den and, when she cautiously entered, she saw him lounging in front of the television, his legs propped up on the table. Some stupid F1 racing game was running on the console and he was almost simultaneously cheering and cursing at his controller.

In all the time she had known him, he had never done that. What had caused this sudden change, this rebellion against the status quo, she wondered.


********** Just a short time later**********

The tiny French maid outfit was far too small and almost translucent. The skirt was so ridiculously short that the lack of underwear, like the base of the butt plug, showed almost constantly. Dusting the upper shelves was especially bad; which was why it was going to be the first chore for today.

Jason could remember that he used to have trouble reaching the higher boards, even with a proper duster, but he hadn’t thought it possible with the flimsy, pink, plastic thingy that came with the uniform.

The heels helped, he mused.


As always, the clock was working against him. And this time, it looked like it was going to end badly. He just knew it. If he qualified second, Schumacher was going to start in the pole position and the race would go downhill from there. He made a mental note to punish Francine for distracting him with her moist pussy and well plugged ass that she wiggled in front of him, frantically trying to reach the last shelf.




Satan_Klaus

Note: this is not a switch story!

Nice story Klaus, I like the twist at the end.

there are a couple of things that this budding editor has seen that I want to point out, and i am sure that others will see more.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Satan_Klaus

Who serves whom?

Jason put down the rag and surveyed his work. He had cleared up the playroom and swabbed everything down with disinfectant: walls, floor, toys. should be an and here His knees were sore and his head was spinning from the solvent. He found another plug and disdainfully dumped it in his cleaning tub. Bodily fluids were fine with him during playtime. After a day or two, they were simply disgusting.

As always, the clock was working against him. He picked up the toys for the day and hurried upstairs; a meal had to be prepared, a table had to be laid and candles had to be lit. All before she got home. Jason stopped to catch his breath and caught his reflection in the mirror. He didn’t like what he saw. Dark rings were clearly visible under his steel blue eyes. No wonder he looked like that, he thought: He got up an hour before Francine so that he could leave work early. So that he could prepare everything.

All for her.

It was a labor of love for the woman he loved, he ruefully reminded himself as he laid the table with a single setting, making an effort to turn that frown upside down. Jason was not just fooling himself. He truly worshipped the ground on which Francine treaded but sometimes everything just went over his head. He selected a good wine to go along with the meal he had prepared and took a deep breath, surveying his work. Almost perfect. He adjusted the single chair to perfectly match this is one of those pesky rules in English grammer that alwys pop up to bite you. slit infinitives, although people talk this way it is a no no the setting and laid out the doggie bowl and pillow on the floor next to it.

He had barely finished dressing when Jason heard the ‘toc toc’ of her heels on the hall. Even after five years, he trembled with anticipation, uncertain if everything was good and to her liking.

As always, it was perfect.


********** One week later **********

The floor was dirty, Francine noted, so unlike Jason. She had been away for a week on business but he knew exactly when she would be coming home. Bewildered she placed down her suitcase and looked around. It was as if Jason had not lifted a finger while she had been away.

There was some noise coming from the den and, when she cautiously entered, she saw him lounging in front of the television, his legs propped up on the table. Some stupid F1 racing game was running on the console and he was almost simultaneously cheering and cursing at his controller.

In all the time she had known him, he had never done that. What had caused this sudden change, this rebellion against the status quo, she wondered.


********** Just a short time later**********

The tiny French maid pretty sure this should be a capital, but check with muse to be sure outfit was far too small and almost translucent. The skirt was so ridiculously short that the lack of underwear, like the base of the butt plug, showed almost constantly. Dusting the upper shelves was especially bad; which was why it was going to be the first chore for today.

Jason could remember that he used to have trouble reaching the higher boards, even with a proper duster, but he hadn’t thought it possible with the flimsy, pink, plastic thingy that came with the uniform.

The heels helped, he mused.


As always, the clock was working against him. And this time, it looked like it was going to end badly. He just knew it. If he qualified second, Schumacher was going to start in the pole position and the race would go downhill from there. He made a mental note to punish Francine for distracting him with her moist pussy and well plugged ass that she wiggled in front of him, frantically trying to reach the last shelf.




Satan_Klaus

Note: this is not a switch story!

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"walls, floor, toys. should be an and here"

Actually I knew that. It's supposed to be an incomplete ennumeration, implying that there was even more work. I don't know if it works, though.

"split infinitives" I'm not big on grammar. I learned English by reading and listening. However, the English world seems to be divided on this.
So it might or might not be in my right to, like Douglas Adams put it, go out and to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before

I'm pretty sure you are right on the French Maids, though and knowing me there will be more...


But away from the nits, when did you know for certain who serves whom? Or did you change your opinion as you went along?


Satan_Klaus

I agree about the split infinitives, but the rules are there and you need to be aware of them before you break them.

As for the incomplet innumeration, it does not work that way. walls, floor, toys, ... I would do it that way, though it is probably wrong, ask muse, i am just a fellow writer.

I never knew whop served who, and to be honest couls debate either side even now. That is the best part of the story for me.

I just saw this, but as I am off to work very soon, won't be able to get back to review it for a little while yet.

AG

This was pretty well done and you have improved in your story telling. So, I am going to be even pickier.


He had cleared up the playroom and swabbed everything down with disinfectant: walls, floor, toys.

I would have given this more action. Not htat there was anything wrong with it. THere wasn't. I think a minor change would give it better flow. "He had cleared up the playroom, swabbing everything down with disinfectant."

He picked up the toys for the day and hurried upstairs; a meal had to be prepared, a table had to be laid and candles had to be lit. All before she got home.

Something didn't quite flow right with these sentences for me. Especially the "All before she got home" part. I think you can find a more pleasing way to say this.

He didn’t like what he saw. Dark rings were clearly visible under his steel blue eyes. No wonder he looked like that, he thought: He got up an hour before Francine so that he could leave work early. So that he could prepare everything.

This little bit is the worst part of your story. He didn't like what he saw but there was only one thing that told of his state. It felt like there should have been more after the dark rings. Also, the arrangment of the description of his eyes didn't fit. I would have tried something along these lines...

He didn't like what he saw. His steel blue eyes were ringed by dark circles and his hair was tangled and wet with sweat.

The rest of this bit is awkward, too. The close is especially off. Try something more like "He got up an hour before Francine so that he could leave work early to allow him time to prepare everything."

It isn't a perfect suggestion but you need a flow that you didn't have.

It was a labor of love for the woman he loved, he ruefully reminded himself as he laid the table with a single setting, making an effort to turn that frown upside down.

There are too many "love's" in this. Find another word. Get rid of "as he laid". Throw in a comma and a "laying" and the flow improves. Also, "turn that frown upside down" should have quotations around it. The narrator shouldn't use such phrases except as a notion as one of his thoughts.

Jason was not just fooling himself. He truly worshipped the ground on which Francine treaded but sometimes

I do believe that should be "trod".

Some stupid F1 racing game was running on the console and he was almost simultaneously cheering and cursing at his controller.

That's a good sentence, though I am torn on "stupid". A narrator shouldn't use this term but it is perfectly descriptive of her likely view of his actions. Torn or not, though, it worls well.

The skirt was so ridiculously short that the lack of underwear, like the base of the butt plug, showed almost constantly.

I think you could tell this with a bit more panache, or someother foreign word. Try replacing "showed almost constantly" with something along the lines of "was most/quite obvious".

Jason could remember that he used to have trouble reaching the higher boards, even with a proper duster, but he hadn’t thought it possible with the flimsy, pink, plastic thingy that came with the uniform.

I'm torn on "thingy". It works but it is contrary to a narrator perspective. Probably not technically sound, but it is still right for the moment.

I liked the switch at the end. I also like "The heels helped, he mused." However, my sense of humor demands that it be the last line of the story. Reveal the switch just before this and then use this line as an ending. Sort of a punchline.


Okay, the hard part is done, so I will give my final thoughts on this...

This was very well done. I had to look for the nits before I picked them, which means that you improved dramatically. Those nits that I picked are far from major and, in part, are because of my personal tastes.

I will also offer that you found the narrators voice and stuck with it - mostly. When you varied from the proper narratior voice you made it work. Such was not the case in your previous story.

Finally, here is something to keep in mind, and this is something I always try to do. Decide what the narrator's voice is going to be before you get into the story too deeply. I mentioned the punchline at the end of my critique...don't ever forget it. A good punchline, humorous, tragic or disasterous can make a story even more memorable.

Now, as Aussiegirl might say: "Good on ya!"

Dear Satan,

Allrighty, since all of the awkward sentences have been handled so deftly by others already, I will get on to other things.

I am so impressed that English is not your first language. The few awkward sentences could be attributed to this? Bravo! This piece caught my attention and kept it.

I can see what you were trying to go for, and you admitted it was a bit short in length, so the first thing it left me craving is some elaboration. I agree with H Dean about the surprise ending, and I believe you could pull it off and include more build up.

Making the man more disgruntled about his chores might work, so that we get to wondering what he will do about it. I wanted to be more convinced of his strength to accomplish this "not a switch story" ending. At least a hint that he is capable.

How did he earn this? There is a lot missing from the grease up, and it was almost like getting it without lube; I want to know something of how and why, be more in the mood for a resolution. You could go for the no lube effect with the surprise ending.

Please take this as a matter of personal aesthetic, simply my own taste.

The note about it not being a switch story at the end, was that intented to be part of the story? I think this is an example of explanation as a mechanism of self defense, either way. Why bother? It is a good story. If you don't want people to think it is a switch story, you will have to make it tell that part.

Sub boy in action, sub boy failing, failed Domme subbing for this turned lazy boy...somehow a switch happened there, I hate to tell you. I have no idea how. Looks like a switch, smells like a switch... if the intention is not to wreak of a switch (conscious or uncounscious), something must be done to illustrate this. I am [I]not[I] convinced.

Why so against the story being a switch story? I am not the kind that thinks there are no true doms or subs out there. Just because I might be Jewish I would not deny that people enjoy Jesus and Santa (or Satan for that matter). It is evident that many people do, whether I get it or not. Some of the kindest people I know are dom and the sweetest nicest ones subs. I wouldn't write a story about them and then say this is not a D/s story!

No one will think you are a switch, it is fiction, remember? Convince me it is not a switch story. You brought it up. If you had never said that, the content itself would never have been addressed by me. Smelled of begging for a debate, that last note.

Fix that, if that was the point of it. Is he is really a naturally dominant man in a sub situation for a strange reason? This could truly be an intersting psycological look at the affect of trying to be what one is not. Then indeed, there would be no switch, but the story will a still involve a switching of sorts.

Then turn the tables so we can't see till the end, and wham, hit us with no lube! You've got a great story here with a little work.

Nicely done, nonetheless, for all my gripes.

Beswitchingly

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Beswitchingly Positive

I am so impressed that English is not your first language. The few awkward sentences could be attributed to this? Bravo! This piece caught my attention and kept it.

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Dean told me "not to fret the language barrier too much." The truth is, I'm frequently hiding behind it, which is just stupid. I shouldn't aim for second place just because it's my second language.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Beswitchingly Positive

The note about it not being a switch story at the end, was that intented to be part of the story? I think this is an example of explanation as a mechanism of self defense, either way. Why bother? It is a good story. If you don't want people to think it is a switch story, you will have to make it tell that part.

---

No it's not part of the story and in retrospect I feel stupid for saying it. The reader should make his own judgement.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Beswitchingly Positive

Sub boy in action, sub boy failing, failed Domme subbing for this turned lazy boy...somehow a switch happened there, I hate to tell you. I have no idea how. Looks like a switch, smells like a switch... if the intention is not to wreak of a switch (conscious or uncounscious), something must be done to illustrate this. I am [I]not[I] convinced.

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by Beswitchingly Positive

Why so against the story being a switch story?

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It smells like a switch, yes. But are you sure? I never said for whom the chair was intended or who was going to suffer in the basement. Isn't it normal for the dom to prepare the setting and the toys? And worshipping the ground your lover is treading on doesn't necessarily mean you are submissive. It would make you a good sub for sure, but it just might make you a perfect dom. Who was serving whom? That's easy. But who was domming whom? Who knows? (God, I feel stupid for this "not a switch story comment".)

This was the effect I was going for, and it might be the reason why the story is so short. Maintaining that ambivalence was awfully hard.

Satan_Klaus

PS: This had nothing to do with tolerance, just with me trying to think for the reader, WHICH I SHOULDN'T. Can we please forget about this?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Satan_Klaus

This had nothing to do with tolerance, just with me trying to think for the reader, WHICH I SHOULDN'T. Can we please forget about this?

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I never even paid attention to the quote, as for thinking for the reader, our job is to make the reader think. I think we do that best be feeling for them, and making them experience what we want them to. That is the challenge of writing for me.

I DO make a lot of mistakes and I'm grateful to you for pointing them out, but sometimes I think you are too stuck on rules and 'flow'. Rules are made for breaking them. Sometimes I break them accidentially but sometimes I do it on purpose. The flow, too. To hammer in a point. Just like that.

I edited the story, working in most of your suggestions and making it more ambivalent. I hope it has improved. If it has, it is only your support that allowed me to do it.


Who serves whom?

Jason put down the rag and surveyed his work. He had cleared up the playroom, swabbing everything down with disinfectant: floor, walls, toys. His knees were sore and his head was spinning from the solvent. He found another plug and disdainfully dumped it in the cleaning tub. Bodily fluids were fine with him during playtime. After a day or two, they were simply disgusting. He really hated cleaning up the dungeon but it was his duty to keep everything safe and clean. It was his responsibility and he took it seriously.

As always, the clock was working against him and he was far from finished with his chores: a meal had to be prepared, a table had to be laid and candles had to be lit. Not to mention the clothes and toys. It was going to be a long and elaborated scene tonight. Maybe that was exactly what he needed; it would help take his mind off how stressful it had been to prepare. He sighed, picked what he needed from the well stocked equipment rack on the wall and hurried upstairs.

Jason stopped to catch his breath and caught his reflection in the mirror. He didn’t like what he saw. Dark rings were clearly visible under his steel blue eyes and his hair was tangled and wet with sweat. He would need a shower before she came home; as if he hadn’t enough things on his mind already. No wonder he looked like that, he thought: He always got up an hour before Francine so that he could leave work early. So that he could prepare everything.

All for her.

Was it really supposed to be like this, he wondered. When he had chosen this lifestyle, he had never thought that it entailed that he had to do all this work.

It was a labor of love, he ruefully reminded himself as he laid the table with a single setting. For the woman he loved, no sacrifice was too great and he was the luckiest man on earth just to have her. He truly worshipped the ground on which Francine trod but sometimes everything just went over his head.

He selected a good wine to go along with the meal he had prepared and took a deep breath, surveying his work. Almost perfect. He adjusted the single chair to perfectly match the setting and laid out the doggie bowl and pillow on the floor next to it.


He had barely finished dressing when Jason heard the ‘toc toc’ of her heels on the hall. Even after five years, he trembled with anticipation, uncertain if everything was good and to her liking.

As always, it was perfect.


********** One week later **********

The floor was dirty, Francine noted, so unlike Jason. She had been away for a week on business but he knew exactly when she would be coming home. She was used to a perfectly clean house, especially when they were about to play. Jason always created a perfect atmosphere, never skimping on the details. Bewildered she placed down her suitcase and looked around. It was as if Jason had not lifted a finger while she had been away.

There was some noise coming from the den and, when she cautiously entered, she saw him lounging in front of the television, his legs propped up on the table. Some stupid F1 racing game was running on the console and he was almost simultaneously cheering and cursing at his controller.

In all the time she had known him, he had never done that. What had caused this sudden change, she wondered.


********** Just a short time later**********

The tiny French Maid outfit was far too small and designed to be humiliating. The skirt was so ridiculously short that the lack of underwear, like the base of the butt plug, was quite obvious. Dusting the upper shelves was especially bad; which was why it was going to be the first chore every day from now on.

Jason could remember that he used to have trouble reaching the higher boards, even with a proper duster, but he hadn’t thought it possible with the flimsy, pink, plastic thingy that came with the uniform.

As always, the clock was working against him. And this time, it looked like it was going to end badly. He just knew it. If he qualified second, Schumacher was going to start in the pole position and the race would go downhill from there. He made a mental note to punish Francine for distracting him with her moist pussy and well plugged ass that she wiggled in front of him, frantically trying to reach the last shelf.

It was the heels, Jason mused. The heels helped.


Satan_Klaus

PS: I will be unavaiable for almost two weeks, starting now.

Okay,

I don't feel the need to pull your story apart again, so I will just give you some general comments.

Firstly, WELL DONE!

I know as a writer how hard it is to come up with an original and interesting idea, and make it work as a story. I really liked it, and think it worked well in making the reader think about the characters and what roles they played.

I would love to see it longer, but do understand how hard it must have been to maintain the story. It might be a story you go back to in the other levels and expand upon, if you feel you can. I wouldn't worry about the switch comment, I didn't!

I also from the start felt there was a twist, especially with the story title making me think about who was serving whom. I didn't think it strange that the Master might clean up the play room or set out the table, and it certainly was not strange that he might worship the ground on which she walks too. I agree that at the end I would have liked a bit more information about him, so I could see that control he has over his sub, but it was not needed to make the story complete.

I think you also hit upon the very dynamic that makes D/s so interesting, that a Dom/me can worship and do lots for their sub. In that way, it can really be a question of who serves whom!

Satan, thank you so much for the time, thought and effort you put into your Level two assignments. As H Dean noted, you have improved so much, which now makes you a very, very good writer instead of just being a very good writer! You really do have a lot of talent and I will look forward to seeing that talent grow even more in the next levels.

I will let Ruby know that you are ready to tackle level 3! Good luck and please pop back and read/review the other students work if time allows.

AG

NOTE: I just read your newest version of this story, and it is even better than the original. I love the changes and I do thank you for making them. It is amazing how just a few little changes strengthened the story even more. I will also let Ruby know you will not be ready to begin level 3 till after the next two weeks. Enjoy the break!

The changes did improve the story. Especially the changes that I suggested. Man, those were good!

Good job, SK.

A great read! I so enjoyed it!

tessa :wave:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Satan_Klaus

Dean told me "not to fret the language barrier too much." The truth is, I'm frequently hiding behind it, which is just stupid. I shouldn't aim for second place just because it's my second language.

Satan, sir, please know you are far from second place. You have something much more difficult to find than the mechanics of english;you have the spark of creativity. Reading this again, in light of your response to my comments, I wanted to say again, I like it.

No it's not part of the story and in retrospect I feel stupid for saying it. The reader should make his own judgement.


I too have had the impulse to include disclaimers or explanations with my homework. This always made me stop and reread, to see what was lacking; why was I feeling the need to explain myself? I found it was usually cause I missed something. You shouldn't feel stupid, this is a class! We are all babies learning here. Jeez, if I was worried about feeling stupid, I would never post anything I have written. Fiction is just tricky. It makes me feel very exposed. I am sorry if my comments were over zealous.




It smells like a switch, yes. But are you sure? I never said for whom the chair was intended or who was going to suffer in the basement. Isn't it normal for the dom to prepare the setting and the toys? And worshipping the ground your lover is treading on doesn't necessarily mean you are submissive. It would make you a good sub for sure, but it just might make you a perfect dom. Who was serving whom? That's easy. But who was domming whom? Who knows? (God, I feel stupid for this "not a switch story comment".)


Don't feel bad! This was good, and it got you to level three. I hope all is well and I will see you there. I guess my gut reaction was to defend my people. It is not so easy being a switch. Some folks here don't even believe in us, the way some gay's think all bi's are really gay, just still looking for the right mate. I have been told a stat that 10 percent of the population is kinky, and only one percent are considered switch. I feel kinda stupid for reacting so strongly to your comment. So now we are even?

This was the effect I was going for, and it might be the reason why the story is so short. Maintaining that ambivalence was awfully hard.

Satan_Klaus

PS: This had nothing to do with tolerance, just with me trying to think for the reader, WHICH I SHOULDN'T. Can we please forget about this?

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Satan, all is filed and forgotten. You should not be so hard on your self. I can't wait to see what you have been doing in level three...

Beswitchingly

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

Alas, there is nothing of me in level 3, yet. I was on holidays and have just returned yesterday. I still haven't finished the level 3 reading asignments but I'm working on it. I hope I will manage to produce a longer story this time. (Somehow I seem to have problems with medium lenght stories. The short ones just flow out of my fingers and I can work the long ones until they have soul and substance but the medium lenght strangely seems elusive.)

Satan_Klaus