Welcome to the Writer's Block!
For your first assignment, craft a scene/chapter/story involving the following elements.
A large hanging basket containing a Boston Fern
A Toaster
A date book from 1989
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Welcome to the Writer's Block!
For your first assignment, craft a scene/chapter/story involving the following elements.
A large hanging basket containing a Boston Fern
A Toaster
A date book from 1989
lol...of course one glance at the "bag of doritos, a pencil, and a washing machine" assignment put a fully crafted scene directly into my head, but this? hehe I'll start doing some work on it, and thanks for having me here :)
(edit: ok, I've got something coming together in my head. Does the type of toaster matter? Does a toaster oven work, or do you want a two-pieces-of-bread-popping-out-the-top type toaster?)
Toaster oven is fine. Just be thankful you did not get the disco ball, marching band, and banjo shaped music box that plays Oh Susannah combination.
now THAT would be a kinky scene ;) I've got things stewing along nicely now, I will try to get a draft done tonight and hopefully something turned in over the next couple days
and I just want to know what a 'date book' is. More funny foreign talk. Perhaps it will become clear when I read Austerus' story.
A book with calendar in it for each month or week, where you can write all your appointments, things to do, stuff like that. Things that your computer calendar does for you now. They may be called agendas in the UK. When Dragon calls today, i will find out what they are called across the pond.Quote:
Originally Posted by cariad
Ok...Here it is, sorry for the wait. I worked three objects in, but the 1989 date book was pretty much the inspirational catalyst (you'll see why as you read.) I hope you enjoy the story :)
1989
Jessie Jacobs was an ambitious woman, and it showed. At 30 she had an MBA, was the VP of Mergers and Acquisitions at a major corporation, and was pulling in more in stock options and MBOs than many executives in their fifties. A lifetime of planning, hard work, and drive had gotten Jessie to where she was today, and she was ecstatic as she pulled her Mercedes up Nick's long, private drive. The little bastard had finally caved to the pressure, and she was finally going to get the top spot at the company.
Nick was a “nice guy.” A little too nice, really. He was smart, in a technical way, and he had made at least one good decision, she thought to herself. When his company was starting up, he never sold a controlling interest, despite some very generous offers from eager venture capitalists. When the corporation finally succeeded, Nick was still in charge of the whole thing. CEO, Chairman of the Board, and majority shareholder of the hottest up-and-coming suppliers of high-end encryption/decryption equipment.
The problem was, Jessie had long ago decided, that Nick had no vision. Nick was a techie who liked playing with toys. The success of the company seemed to be tertiary to him. “Having fun is what it's all about.” He must have said that a thousand times. Each time Jessie had to work a little harder to keep herself from screaming at the little putz. Didn't he realize this company was a goldmine? There was no end to the money that could be made if he would just let the company stretch its wings.
Nick always wanted to play it safe though, didn't want the company to grow too quickly. He shut down so many proposals for global expansion, for marketing in other countries, that half of the executive staff was locked in a state of frustration. He kept complaining about the chances for the technology to “fall into the wrong hands” or “national security issues” as if the rest of them were children. As if they didn't know how to run a company in a way that would keep those problems from happening in the first place.
Jessie had grabbed and held tightly to her patience. She had forged her alliances, made her friends. Ingratiating herself where she could, a favor here, a threat there, a bit of bullying or a well-placed bribe...none of these were unfamiliar to Jesse in her quest for a corporate coup. And now, finally, it was all coming together. The pressure had been on Nick from all quarters to expand more aggressively, and Jessie knew Nick wasn't hungry enough anymore. He wasn't enjoying the culture of the company as it grew, and after all “having fun is what it's all about.” She knew he was looking for a replacement to run the day-to-day, and she had made certain that she was the only logical choice for the position. Once she had the chair, she knew she would be able to turn the company into a world class player in no time at all. In fact, she already had the deals set up.
Her patience had been wearing thin but finally, FINALLY today Nick had made the call. She replayed the voice mail again and again in her head. “Hey Jessie, I need to make a few changes with the management structure, and I think I have the perfect opportunity in mind for you. Why don't you come by the house for dinner tonight and I will present you with an offer?” FINALLY. Today it all pays off.
She checked herself in the car's vanity mirror, smiled at her own reflection, and stepped out of the car toward her moment of triumph.
=========================
Jessie only had to wait a couple moments after pressing the buzzer before Nick's voice came through the speaker, crystal clear. “Hey Jessie, that you?”
She girded herself for one more evening of making nice, pretending she enjoyed these “casual dinners” Nick always insisted on rather than proper meetings. That was something that would change when Jessie was in charge. You can't run a multinational like a startup after all. She took a deep breath, and carefully kept her frustration out of her voice. “Yeah Nick, it's me. Expecting a lot of people tonight?”
A laugh came through the speaker. “No way, just you and me. Come on in, I'm in the kitchen doing some prep work for dinner.”
Jessie smiled to herself as she opened the door, striding into the house and through the main hall. Just the two of them meant that this was not a strategy meeting for the whole team. One on one. Her time really WAS here. She plastered a smile on her face as she moved through the opulent dining room and into the brightly lit kitchen. “Hey Nick, what are you cooking?”
Nick turned around from a pile of half chopped tomatoes and smiled. “Hey Jessie, just working on a new bruschetta recipe. I thought we would go with something simple tonight.”
Jessie dropped her purse on one of the kitchen chairs and walked over to where Nick had already returned to chopping vegetables. She knew she should be patient, but...”so what's the big mystery today Nick?”
He turned to her and grin, waving her off. “None of that now! We're busy cooking, and cooking is time for fun, not for business. We'll talk about business later while we eat. Remember, having fun is...”
“...what it's all about,” Jessie finished for him, trying hard to keep the mockery out of her voice. “Yeah I know, just eager to hear about the new plans boss. Well...can I help with any of the cooking?”
Nick cast a glance around at the piles of chopped vegetables and cheeses for a moment, biting his lip. “No, don't sweat it, I think I have everything under control. Go have a seat, and pour yourself a glass of wine.”
Jessie started back across the room to the table. It took everything she had to not scream at him for an explanation. Didn't he know she had important things to do? She had a destiny, and all Nick cared about was his stupid cooking. Why didn't he just hire a chef anyway?
As she reached the table Nick turned. “I thought of something you can do,” he said, pointing to the large fern hanging from the ceiling near the table. “Would you pull that beast down off the hook and water it for me? It's been a while since it has gotten any attention, and I'm afraid it must be just about dried out.”
Jessie looked up at the fern, rolling her eyes. She was a VP for shit's sake, not a gardener. “Sure Nick,” she said, trying to keep the exasperation out of her voice. “Where's your watering can?”
Nick shrugged his shoulders sheepishly and motioned toward the sink with the vegetable knife in his hand. “Oh, don't sweat the can. If you could just carry it over there to the sink and run a bit of water into it, that would be great.”
Jessie held in an annoyed retort, and instead sighed quietly to herself. Just humor him for one more day, she told herself. After tonight you will have what you want. Standing on her tiptoes she managed to reach up to the pot containing the fern, and she carefully detached and lowered the heavy plant. She set the planter carefully in the sink, and started running the tap. “Nick how much water does this thing Nee...”
As she spoke, a small black book sailed over her shoulder, landing on the counter to her side with a thump. The unexpected motion surprised her, silencing her, but as her brain registered what book was next to her on the counter her blood went cold, freezing her in place. As she processed what was in front of her an arm snaked around her, and a wet cloth snapped over her mouth and nose, pressing tight.
A small, well-worn date book...
She struggled, trying to hold her breath, but she was pinned hard to the counter by Nick's body behind her. The the hand around her body rapped hard on her solar plexus, forcing the air out of her lungs. A chemical stench invaded her nostrils as she gasped in a lungful of air.
Lettering in gold on the black leather cover...
Her vision swam, the sound of the struggle seeming to grow fainter, more distant, as a floating feeling enveloped her. she felt her muscles begin to slacken, and the reflection of light from the lettering on the book seemed to take on a shimmering quality.
1989...a date book from 1989...shit...
Her consciousness slid away from her.
=============================
Jessie came to slowly, her head pounding. She felt as though she were waking up after a night of hard drinking, her mouth dry, her entire body sore. She groaned in pain as she began to wake, trying to remember what she had done last night.
She slowly became aware of her surroundings...wherever she was it was dark, and she couldn't see a thing. She tried to bing her hands up to rub at her tired eyes, but found that her arms wouldn't move...now she could feel the tight ropes wound about her wrists and elbows, forcing her arms painfully back behind her. She let out a yelp of shock, but it came out muffled, and she realized that there was a large rubber ball in her mouth, stretching her jaw wide and silencing her cries. A startled shift in the chair bought her one more piece of information as her bottom rubbed against the cool wood...she was naked. What the hell?
As the terror gathered in her she bolted upright, planning to run. Where she would run to in this darkness she didn't know, but anything had to be better than sitting around and waiting. Just as she got her feet under her though she felt a sharp tug on her wrists. Jessie didn't manage to take a single step before her arms were pulled up high behind her back, the uneven clanking of a rope moving through a pulley accompanying the sudden upward pressure. As she whipped her head around, trying to see something, anything, she felt the cloth that was tight over her face, the elastic around the back of her head. A blindfold.
Twisting and turning she tried to free her hands, but they were too tightly bound. She whimpered in pain as her wrists were drawn higher, finally leaning forward to relieve the pressure on her shoulders. Another yank on the rope tied to her hands drew a muffled whine from behind her gag, and she leaned her body down further. Finally, as her upper body stretched parallel to the floor with her arms up high in the air behind her, the rope stopped pulling. She let out another muffled screech of outrage, trying to shift to a different position, attempting to free her arms, but even the slightest movement put worrisome strain on her shoulders. She stopped quickly as she felt more than heard the ominous creaking from her tendons, a gasp of pain escaping from her flared nostrils
She stopped moving, trying to take stock of her situation. What had happened? She had to figure out what was going on, there must be a way out of this. The calm only lasted for a couple of seconds, and she started thrashing against her bonds again, muffled screams dying vibrations playing themselves out against the inside of the gag in her mouth.
“Wow Jessie,” came Nick's voice from the dark. “I think you'd better calm down. I'd hate for you to hurt yourself struggling like that. Jessie cocked her head to the side, trying to pinpoint Nick's location. Maybe she could...yes, she would figure out where he was, kick him hard, and escape while he was disabled. She stayed very still, straining her ears for any noise.
“Better, better,” said Nick in an amused voice. “You know, I do like that fern but I have to say I like you hanging from there even better. That's one hell of a kitchen decoration you make.” THERE. She had him. She carefully shifted her balance to one foot, and lashed out with the other at the place where she knew he was, but she connected with nothing but air. She lost her balance and her weight came down on her shoulders, drawing a grunt of pain from her before she managed to regain her feet, breathing heavily.
Nick made a clucked at her disapprovingly. “Now was that a nice thing to do Jessie?” She heard a sound like tearing paper, and pain exploded in a white hot line over her exposed ass as something thwacked into it with a meaty sound. She let a wail out into the gag, and another paper tore, another stripe of fire lanced through her, this time across her upper thighs.
Jessie began to struggle in earnest, trying to find a way to get leverage, to get her hands free, to...another slice across her ass drove all thought out of her head, leaving her weeping into the blindfold. Her ass moved on its own now, trying to escape the scalding pain that was being rained down upon it, her sobs becoming one long, grunting wail as whatever Nick was holding ripped through the air, and her flesh, again and again.
By the time Nick stopped she was making nothing more than tiny grunts each time he struck her bottom, her ass now covered with a tracery of fire, her hips sliding back and forth on their own as her bottom tried to escape the pain of the fire which had been embedded in her flesh. “Whew,” said Nick in a merry voice. “Takes quite a bit of work to calm you down eh?” She heard the feet of a chair scraping out from the table in front of her, and heard Nick drop his weight down onto the seat. “Now that you've decided to be good, we'll talk. Dinner's not ready yet, so I only have a few minutes before I have to go finish, but that's not a problem is it?”
She waited, trying to get her crying under control, and heard the tearing sound again for a split second before pain exploded through her hanging, helpless breast with a meaty thwack, setting the soft flesh jiggling. A fresh scream bubbled up from her throat to her gagged mouth. “Jessie, I asked you a question. That isn't going to be a problem is it?” She shook her head violently from side to side.
“Excellent. Now here's the thing. You know I don't want to be involved in the day-to-day of the company anymore. It's just really too much of a hassle. I...oh, wait, forgot something.” She heard a small click, and suddenly there was a gentle, pulsing vibration against her pussy. Jessie started struggling again, startled by the new sensation, till her right breast exploded in pain with another strike. “Now you need to stop struggling there Jessie. This isn't going to be the best conversation in your life, and I'm trying to give you a little compensation there on your pussy. But if you keep straining, you're going to hurt yourself.”
Jessie managed to still her writhing upper body, taking deep, shuddering breaths through her nose and trying not to think about the burning pain in her ass and breasts. “Again, better. I knew you were a smart girl! Now where was I? Ah right...wanted to get out of the day-to-day. You know, when I was looking for a replacement, there was only one real answer? Only one person at the company had the vision and the talent to manage things after I got out, and that was you!” She felt a finger stroke gently down the line of her jaw and tried to pull away, tried to keep her mind in the game, away from her ass, the fire in her tits, the tingling in her pu...NO. Not that. She had to keep her head in the game, find a way out of this.
“I always liked the way you kept all your old date books, Jessie. I thought it was such an impressive sign of your organizational skills that you still had your life mapped out going back to the 1980s. I mean wow, that's dedication right?” A hand reached up underneath her and cupped a breast, finger and thumb rolling her nipple gently between them. She screamed mentally at her breast, telling the nipple not to respond, but it hardened all the same under the gentle touch, taking her mind off the pain in her ass, the growing moisture in her...no, no. That wasn't happening, she wouldn't allow it. Not like this.
“so there I was...getting ready to step down and hand the company over to your,” a quick squeeze of her cheek between thumb and forefinger, “capable attentions. I probably shouldn't have looked in your office, invasion of privacy and all that, but I did. I wanted to get one last feel for who you were before I turned my work over to you.” His finger let loose her cheek, his palm cupping her jaw and then sliding slowly down, forefinger tracing the line of the pulsing vein in her neck. She could barely concentrate on his words. The pain in her arms, the stress in her spasming back, the...no. The pain. That was what was distracting her.
“I thought to myself,” he continued seemingly oblivious to her internal struggle, “I should look at one of Jessie's old books. She always guards them so jealously, but let's find out what Jessie's life was so full of when she was, say...12 years old. I grabbed your book for 1989, and do you know what I found?” The finger had traced down to her nipple, and the tip of his finger traced lightly around it. She held her breath, not wanting to answer, but he caught the nipple between the knuckles of two fingers and twisted brutally. “I asked if you knew what I found, Jessie?” he asked again, sounding amused as she whimpered, shaking her head from side to side.
“Well...I found that at age 12 you were a very busy girl Jessie! So many important meetings with important people!” He released her nipple, causing her to hiss into the gag at the sudden absence, spittle beginning to drool out around her gag. “Imagine a 12 year old girl having meetings with the likes of the Sardon Group, and with Sikes & Fay. That's high powered business for a little girl isn't it?” She shook her head again violently, dread seeping through her, knowing where this was headed. She had to deny it, had to find a way to get out of this, but god the feeling in her pus...no, no, think Jessie. Make a plan.
“So there I was, thinking about why a 12 year old would have meetings with such people, and I had a revelation. Do you know what that was Jessie?” She whimpered, tentatively shaking her head, knowing that he knew she was lying, praying that he would not hit her again. Apparently he was having too much fun though, and he just chuckled. “Well, I'll tell you. I think you are going to like this.” His chair creaked as he leaned, and she felt his lips next to her ear, his breath hot against her ear. “I realized,” he whispered to her, “that the calendar for 1989 is identical to the calendar for 2006.” He straightened again, reaching out and ruffling her hair as she slumped. “Crazy huh? Identical! So that got me thinking, maybe you -didn't- talk to those people when you were 12. Could it be that my favorite young executive had been speaking to all those people just last year?”
Jessie shook her head violently again, heart racing. Ok, this was bad. This was really bad. But if she could just get him to let her speak she could talk her way out of it, she could...juices dripping down her leg, the throbbing vibration on clit sending tendrils of heat through her entire bod...No! Wait him out, get the gag off, convince him.
Nick stood, walking slowly around her bent, trembling form. He traced his fingernails over the welts on her ass, causing her to squeal and try to shift her hips away, which forced the vibrator more firmly against her clit, her entire body sagging with a groan. “You know,” Nick mused, “I think that might make sense. But...uh oh...didn't Sardon give a junk rating to SynerCorp just before we bought them last year? Now that I think of it, didn't we snap up TenDyne just after a bridge loan for short term operations they had all set up with Sikes & Fay fall through? Wow, coincidence huh? I mean...this is the kind of thing the SEC might take an interest in, don't you think?”
She shook her head vehemently no, trying to defend herself through the gag. Nothing but muffled grunting and drool made it between her lips, and she felt tears welling up in her eyes again. But maybe he didn't know about...
“Ah, and one -very- disturbing thing here Jessie. You met with Al Arnaya quite a few times last year. Now, you know I'm not big in politics, but weren't they placed on a terrorist watch list by Homeland Security a few years back?” The tears broke loose in her eyes, great having sobs wracking her body as she hung helpless before her tormentor. She had been so careful, she had just wanted to BE somebody, just wanted success for the company. If only she could explain it to him, he would HAVE to understand.
“I mean, in good conscience, I don't know if I can keep this information from Homeland Security Jessie. Have you been planning to sell encryption software to terrorists?” She lied, shaking her head no. The idiot, those Arab companies would pay top dollar and would be the catalyst to take the company world-wide! Once the Arabs had it, no other country in the world could afford not to have their products.
“Are you sure? You don't look sure Jessie. Do you feel like taking an extraordinary rendition trip?” He slid his palm over her glowing bottom, making her screech again, but she shook her head vehemently no. “You want to keep working for me at the company?” he asked, his voice all false warmth and concern.
She nodded her head yes. She would find a way to get out of this, just play along. “And you'll be a good girl?” She nodded again. She would just have to get that book back. Once she had her date book back, the connections would be harder to make. She could plant evidence sending the trail of impropriety to Nick. Sanders and Tillmen would back her story against Nick, they could...
“Now before you get any ideas about being a bad girl again Jessie, keep in mind that I've not only got copies of the book, but I've gotten confessions from Sanders and Tillman. They were both more than happy to give you up in exchange for my not reporting them to DHS. They did leave their positions at the company though, and even voluntarily left their stock options on the table, if you can believe it?” She slumped, feeling defeat weigh down on her like a pile of stones. Her crying increased in volume, tiny, wretched sounding little sobs tearing through her, the blindfold now soaked with tears and dripping them to the floor beneath her.
“Now, you be good. I just need to toss these things in the toaster oven for a few minutes, and then we will be ready to eat!” He gave a pinch to one of the welts on her ass, and moved off across the kitchen. She heard the door of the toaster oven, the metallic screech of a poorly oiled tray being slid out. She stood, bent, her aching breasts swinging below her with each movement, her red, stinging ass in the air, trying vainly to find a comfortable position for her feet, to relieve even a little of the throbbing pain in her shoulders.
The toaster oven's clock started ticking loudly in counterpoint to the buzzing of the vibrator. The buzzing that seemed to reach from her cunt up through her entire body to her back teeth, piling even more heat onto her abused body, shortening her breath to little gasps through her nose. The feeling overtook her, building slowly, teasing, the feeling mixing with the pain in her breasts, her ass, her legs, her shoulders. Her world reduced to nothing but that feeling as the pressure built, that growing tightness, the explosion waiting to happen, coming so soon, and...
She was shocked out of her trance-like state, and away from the edge of n orgasm, by the toaster oven's alarm bell ringing. “Perfect!” Nick said cheerfully from the other side of the room. “All ready!” She twisted her head away, trying to hide the red flush of both humiliation and arousal that had seeped through her. Had she been about to orgasm like this? It wasn't possible was it? No, no, it didn't happen.
She heard him moving back across the kitchen to the table, and flinched as the plate clinked down on the surface. “I have to tell you Jessie,” Nick said in an amused tone. “You are really missing out on seeing this food. It looks to me like everything came out just about perfect. Well at least you can smell it...smells fantastic right?”
Flushed, barely able to think, she didn't respond until she felt another gentle, warning pinch on her nipple. Desperately she jerked her head up and down in the affirmative., tears pooling in her eyes and staining the blindfold.
The feel of the fingers against her breast disappeared. It was replaced by Nick's hand on her hair, patting her gently as though she were an obedient pet.. “Good girl,” he said smugly. She heard him lifting food from the plate. She listened, trembling, as he crunched happily on the snack, the fingers of his free hand still stroking her head.
“Mmm, wonderful,” Nick said after he swallowed. He brushed the crumbs off his hands and then stood, sliding his fingers lightly down the length of her spine. “So Jessie,” he said, finally bringing the conversation around to the business at hand. “Let's talk about your new position at the company. And don't forget, having fun is what it's all about!” Another tiny click and the buzzing on her pussy went into overdrive, and whether Jessie's moan was one of purely despair even she didn't know.
I think I like the first story better, but just in case here's an alternate
"Hey, I just found my date book from 1989! I was supposed to fuck you, and you didn't remind me! Well damnit, bend over tat counter, I'm making up for it now!"
He pusheds her over the counter and pulls up her skirt.
"Because you forgot to remind me, I'm going to stick this giant fern on your head. if you let it fall off, you'll regret it slut, got it?!" He places a giant fern on her head, weighing her down against the counter. He pulls out his massive, 14" throbbing cock and jams it mercilessly into the slave's gaping pussy.
"Yeah that's right, take that 14" cock slut! You're just a hole to get fucked! Yeah bitch, yeah!" He humps her mercilessly, causing her to moan in pain and the pleasure of having such an awesome massive cock in her.
"Yeah, that's right! Look at your reflection in that toaster hile I fuck you! Look what a littloe whore you are! See that fern on your head? Bet you feel stupid now, you worthless slut! YEAH!"
THE END
/ I keed, I keed
Just to let you know i have seen this and will get ot it today or tomorrow.
rose
Gracias :)
Over all this is a very good story. the mistakes I highlighted are mostly nits, and are easy to fix.Quote:
Originally Posted by Austerus
You tend to right to an audience of executives, or at least business people. I would bet that you are used top dealing with that type of audience, but the average reader of erotica will not know all the terms you use. I was able to get into the story after I figured out what an MBO is, but a lot of readers would not bother to look.
You also write with a lot of repeated phrases and cliches. I did not point all of these out as I tend to skip them when I read and they do not bother me, but they are pretty much a no no outside of dialog, and are iffy even then. The one that bothered me was when Nick said "So there" to start two different paragraphs so close together.
This is an excellent story, but you need to get a better grasp of basic grammar. This is still a weakness with me, I have just learned how to use Word to help a lot with that. You missed a couple of capitalizations, a few commas, and one period.
After you right a story you need to go back and read each sentence. Look for words that do not need to be there, you had a few of those.
Do not get too depressed about all of this. As a first story this is an excellent job, and I hope that you will continue to write more. I am looking forward to reading your stories after you learn a bit about the mechanics of writing.
Rhabbi,
Thanks for all the feedback. On reflection I think you are right that the business terms probably go a little over the top...I wanted to convey that Jessie actually knew a lot about business and didn't want to have readers who also did thinking "man, this guy is a moron. Stuff doesn't work that way at all." But I will look through it and try to find more layman-but-accurate terms to put in there.
Some of the repeated phrases I used were specifically for emphasis or part of the story (no, not that, "all about having fun," etc) but I have no doubt that I overdid some things. Could you give me some other examples of cliches and repeated phrases which you found particularly jarring/annoying?
Are your comments on basic grammar (spelling, sentence structure, etc) all covered in your comments, or were there other clumsy bits that bothered you? Unfortunately I do not have Word, as I use a Mac, and I only have freeware office software. If you or anyone else on the site knows of a good freeware grammar checker for OS X, I would love to try it out :)
If I make some changes and post another draft, would you be willing to suffer through it again, or have your eyeballs taken all the bleeding they can?
There really is no good grammar check program that I know of. They all miss quite a lot, including word. I just like word because it likes to throw commas in so much that it makes me think about why I do not want one there.
As for cliches, the only one that really stood out to me was describing Nick as a nice guy. I usually leave the cliche detection to muse, just feel that there were a few there.
The other problems I saw are actually addressed at a later stage here in the block, and I will let time get you to those. Digging in and learning the basics, which is what Level 1 is about, is going to be enough for you now.
I am more than willing to look at another draft of this story, and would actually enjoy it. I would suggest you wiat until muse makes her nits known to you, she can spot a grammatical error at a thoousand paces and her trusty blue pencil will see a few that I missed.
Ok, thanks much. I wasn't sure whether you were offering up some casual advice or were helping muse by taking over some of the story feedback. I'll continue to make some changes based on what you have said, and I'll wait to submit another draft till I have heard back from muse as well :)
I am an advanced student, and part of what we do is come down here and pounce on the lower levels occasionally. Keeps us all on our toes. Not sure what happened to muse, but she should be back soon. You can incorporate my advice into your next draft, and when she comes back you can add in what she says.Quote:
Originally Posted by Austerus
i do love a story with a good twist. So my gallon jar of random objects written on tiny slips of paper did you an inspirational service.
First, i have to agree with Rhabbi on the business abbreviations. Those unfamiliar with the corporate culture will have a "huh?" moment, and that takes them out of the story.
Also, it seems that every other sentence of Nick's starts with "Now". If you are making that an annoying character trait, it works. Just have Jessie think something about it at some point, otherwise it just annoys the reader.
(i say this because i have a friend who is trying to break the habit of starting every sentence with "So". i am helping him. Every time i hear him do it, i chime in -- in my best Julie Andrews voice -- with "A needle pulling thread.")
All in all, a fantastic read. On to the nits -- i may duplicate a few of Rhabbi's.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Austerus
Thanks much muse. I'm working on a new draft, and when I finish that later today I plan on setting it aside for a day or two to reset my brain on it, then going over it one final time. I hope to post a cleaner, updated version sometime by early in the week :)
Sounds good. i will get your next assignment posted in the next day or two.Quote:
Originally Posted by Austerus
rose
muse,
I appreciate how on the ball you are with the assignments, but if it is alright with you I would really like to nail down this first one before my brain starts churning on a new one? Would you mind terribly if I requested you held off on the next assignment until I get this one whipped?
I am finishing Level Two, and just dropped by here to see more of rose's editing. A nostalgic trip. I am glad that I happened on this story, which I think is terrific! It was a tough assignment, and it was put together beautifully. At first the quick transition was startling, but, by the end, Jessie's precarious position made it all believable. The story could continue to a second chapter in which she accepts abuse, not daring to object.
I like rose's change of MBO to perks, but the business jargon didn't bother me at all. It really set Jessie up as an exceptionally smart and capable woman, which made her sudden fall into bondage all the more stimulating.
Keep up the good work Austerus.
nancy
You got it. Give me a shout when you feel you are ready.Quote:
Originally Posted by Austerus
rose
I have gone through the story two more times to make changes. There's been a fair amount of restructuring of some of the paragraphs/sections, tried hard to split up and vary some of the repeated phrases, and generally tried to clean it up. I'm certain there are still some grammar problems, but I hope this version will be a little closer to something good :)
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Jessie Jacobs was an ambitious woman, and it showed. At 30 she had a Masters in Business Administration, was the VP of Mergers and Acquisitions at a major corporation, and was pulling in more in stock options and performance bonuses than many executives in their fifties. A lifetime of planning, hard work, and drive had gotten Jessie to where she was today, and she was ecstatic as she pulled her Mercedes up Nick's long, private drive. The little bastard had finally caved to the pressure, and she was finally going to get the top spot at the company.
Jessie didn't care much for Nick. Sure he was pleasant enough, and he was undeniably smart, at least in a technical way. Nick was a bona-fide genius when it came to computers and software, but that was all. When it came to finance, to management, to the million other details of running a corporation Nick was clueless. Unfortunately for everyone, Nick was in charge.
Nick had started the company in his garage and as it grew he never sold a controlling interest. He had turned away every eager venture capitalist who came to his door no matter how lucrative their proposals. As the company grew that left Nick, unlike so many of his contemporaries, in the driver's seat. When he needed more business expertise he hired the people necessary, but he never let go of the reins or his precious “indy” company culture. “Having fun is what it's all about!” he would repeat, ad infinitum, to anyone who would listen. Each time Jessie heard it she had to work a little harder to keep herself from screaming at the little putz.
She and the other business executives Nick had hired had done what they could, trying to grow the company more aggressively and expand its market share. But more often than not Nick would stick his ignorant little nose into things, sabotaging or just flat out killing deals which had taken Jessie and the others months to put together.
Most of the management staff was locked in a state of frustration. Nick always justified his meddling with half-assed excuses about “national security risks,” or “providing technology to untrustworthy people,” or even one time “not wanting to sell out to The Man.” Yeah, right. He was a corporate leader living in a 10,000 square foot mansion for God's sake, not some starving punk rock musician.
When Jessie had started with the company she was full of hope for her, and its, future. It didn't take long though to see just how poorly the company was being run, and just how depressing the future looked. Rather than panic, she had grabbed and held tightly to her patience. She had forged her alliances, made her friends. Ingratiating herself where she could with a favor here, a threat there, a bit of bullying or a well-placed bribe. Jesse used every tool at her disposal to position herself for the inevitable moment when Nick decided to get out of the business.
Everyone in upper management had seen the signs. The corporate culture was changing, growing more formal despite everything Nick tried to do. A company of such size just couldn't be run the same way as a startup. A large company needed policies, rules, procedures. Of course Jessie and the others had done everything they could to quietly push the formalization of the company along, all while paying lip service to Nick's absurd ideals.
At the same time, Jessie had taken it upon herself to keep Nick heavily involved in the portion of the business that he least enjoyed...the minutia of the management and finance end of things. As long as she could keep him from getting personally involved in some new, exciting project, as long as she could keep him locked inside the cell of spreadsheets and meetings she had carefully built up around him, she knew it was just a matter of time until he would want to step back from the day-to-day.
And now it was all coming together. Nick certainly wasn't having fun playing company anymore, and after all “having fun is what it's all about.” She was sure that he had been looking for a replacement to run things so that he could step back, and she had made certain that she was the only logical choice for the position. Once she had the chair she knew she would be able to turn the company into a world class player in no time at all. In fact, she already had the deals in place.
She had been starting to despair, considering some kind of more aggressive action, but she needn't have worried. Today, after months of work, the call had finally come in. Nick had asked Jessie to come out to the house tonight for dinner, and to talk about some “structural changes” and an “exciting opportunity” for her. As much as she hated these casual dinners Nick liked to have with executives, she was certainly willing to sit through one more to get her due.
She checked herself in the car's vanity mirror, smiled at her own reflection, and stepped out of the car toward her moment of triumph.
Jessie only had to wait a couple moments after pressing the buzzer before Nick's voice came floating out through the speaker. “Hey Jessie, that you?”
She girded herself for one more evening of making nice, trying not to be annoyed that Nick didn't have a proper house staff to answer the door for guests. Instead he had monitors and speakers installed in every room so that he could “greet guests myself from any room in the house.” She took a deep breath, careful to keep her frustration from seeping into her voice. “Yeah Nick, it's me. Expecting a lot of people tonight?”
A laugh came through the speaker. “No way, just you and me. Come on in, I'm in the kitchen doing some prep work for dinner.”
Jessie smiled to herself as she opened the door, striding into the house and across the main hall. That it was just the two of them meant that this was not a strategy meeting for the whole team. Her time really WAS here. She plastered a smile on her face as she moved through the opulent dining room and into the brightly lit kitchen. “Hey Nick, what are you cooking?”
Nick turned around from a pile of half chopped tomatoes and smiled. “Hi Jessie, just working on a new bruschetta recipe. I thought we would go with something simple tonight.”
Jessie dropped her purse on one of the kitchen chairs and walked over to the counter, eying the piles of half-prepped food. Simple. Right. Nick had already returned to chopping vegetables. She knew she should be patient, but...”so what's the big mystery today Nick?”
He turned to her and grinned, waving her off. “None of that now! We're busy cooking, and cooking is time for fun, not for business. We'll talk about all that boring stuff while we eat. Remember, having fun is...”
“...what it's all about,” Jessie finished for him, hoping she didn't sound as bored as she felt. “Just eager to hear about the new plans, boss. Well...can I help with any of the cooking?”
Nick cast a glance around at the piles of chopped vegetables and cheeses for a moment, biting his lip. “No, don't sweat it, I think I have everything under control. Go have a seat, and pour yourself a glass of wine.”
Jessie started back across the room to the table, working hard at keeping herself from grabbing the little bastard and shaking it out of him. Just one more night, she told herself. Of course that didn't make her feel much better about the fact that he was keeping her in suspense while he dithered with food. Why didn't he just hire a chef anyway?
As she reached the table Nick turned. “Oh! I thought of something you can do,” he said, pointing to the large fern hanging from the ceiling near the table. “Would you pull that beast down off the hook and water it for me? It's been a while since it has gotten any attention, and I'm afraid it must be just about dried out.”
Jessie looked up at the fern, rolling her eyes. She was a VP, not a gardener. Well, whatever. If watering a plant was going to help... “Sure Nick,” she replied. “Where's your watering can?”
Nick shrugged his shoulders sheepishly and motioned toward the sink with the knife in his hand. “I can't remember where I put it. I'd really appreciate it if you could just carry it over there to the sink and run a bit of water over it.
Jessie bit off an annoyed retort regarding the usefulness of household staff, and instead stretched up on her toes to take the plant down from its hook. Just humor him, she told herself. She carefully detached and lowered the heavy planter, carrying the awkward thing to the sink and trying to keep its fronds from going up her nose. She set the planter carefully in the sink and started running the tap. “Nick how much water does this thing nee...”
As she spoke, a small black book sailed over her shoulder, landing on the counter at her side with a thump. It took her no more than a second to realize what the book was, but she stood frozen. Before she could recover her equilibrium an arm snaked around her, and a wet cloth snapped over her mouth and nose, pressing tight.
A small, well-worn date book...
She struggled, trying to hold her breath. Nick's body was pressed hard against her back, pinning her to the edge of the sink, and the arm that wrapped around her body kept her arms locked at her sides, giving her no space to fight. Jessie thrashed against her attacker, but finally took in a deep gulp of air, inhaling the chemical stench of whatever was on the cloth.
Lettering in gold on the black leather cover...
Her vision swam, the sound of the struggle seeming to grow fainter, more distant. She felt her muscles begin to slacken, her field of vision narrowing until all she could see was that book on the counter.
1989...a date book from 1989...
Even the book disappeared from Jessie's darkening vision, and her consciousness slid away.
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Jessie woke up slowly, her head pounding. She felt like something had decided to crawl into her mouth to die, and her entire body was sore. She groaned in pain as she began to wake, trying to remember what she had done last night.
She slowly became aware of her surroundings. Wherever she was it was dark, and she couldn't see a thing. She tried to bring her hands up to rub at her tired eyes, but found that her arms wouldn't move...now she could feel the tight ropes wound about her wrists and elbows, forcing her arms painfully back behind her and arching her chest outward. She let out a yelp of shock but it came out muffled. Belatedly she realized that there was a large rubber ball in her mouth, stretching her jaw wide and silencing her cries. She could feel the wooden surface of a chair beneath her bare butt and...bare butt? She was naked?
As the terror coiled in her gut she bolted upright, planning to run. Anything had to be better than just sitting here. Just as she got her feet under her she felt a sharp tug on her wrists. Jessie didn't manage to take a single step before her arms were pulled up high behind her back, the uneven creaking of a rope moving through a pulley accompanying the sudden upward pressure. As she whipped her head around to try and see what was happening she felt the cloth that was tight over her face and the elastic around the back of her head. A blindfold.
She fought, trying to twist her hands free, but they were too tightly bound. She whimpered in pain as her wrists were drawn higher and she leaned forward to relieve the pressure on her shoulders. Another creak of the pulley and her arms jerked up higher, drawing a muffled whine from behind the gag, forcing her torso down even more. As her upper body stretched parallel to the floor with her arms high in the air behind her the rope stopped pulling. She let out a muffled screech of outrage, trying to shift positions, attempting to free her arms or get some leverage. She quickly found that even the slightest movement put worrisome strain on her shoulders, her tendons creaking ominously.
Jessie tried to gather her thoughts and take stock of her situation. What had happened? She had to figure out what was going on, and find a way out. Suddenly the date book swam into memory and her calm disappeared. She started thrashing against her bonds again, her screams dying against the backside of the gag in her mouth.
“Wow Jessie,” came Nick's voice from the dark. “I think you'd better calm down. I'd hate for you to hurt yourself struggling like that.” Nick's voice was calm, quiet, with a note of self assurance Jessie had never heard from him before. She cocked her head to the side, trying to pinpoint Nick's location. Maybe she could...yes, she would figure out where he was, kick him hard, and escape while he was disabled. She stayed very still, straining her ears for the sound that would give him away.
“Better, better,” said Nick in an amused tone. “I do like that fern but I have to admit Jessie, I like you hanging there even better. You make quite the lovely kitchen decoration.” THERE. She carefully shifted her balance to one foot and lashed out with the other at Nick's location, but she connected with air. She lost her balance and her weight came down on her shoulders, drawing a grunt of pain from deep in her chest as she struggled back to her feet.
She flushed as Nick clucked at her disapprovingly. “Now was that a nice thing to do Jessie?” She heard a sound like tearing paper and pain exploded in a white hot line over her exposed ass as something thwacked into it. She let a wail out into the gag and another paper tore, another flame lanced through her, this time across her upper thighs. Jessie began to struggle in earnest, trying to yank herself free of the rope holding her, to...
Another slice across her bottom drove all thought out of her head, leaving her weeping into the blindfold. Her hips moved on their own now, trying to escape the scalding pain that was raining down upon it. Her sobs becoming one long, grunting wail as whatever Nick was holding ripped through the air and her flesh again and again.
By the time the beating stopped stopped Jessie was making nothing more than tiny grunts each time he struck her bottom. Her ass and the backs of her thighs were covered with a tracery of fire, her lower body sliding back and forth on its own as she shifted and squirmed, trying to escape the agony which had been embedded in her flesh. “Jessie!” said Nick in a merry voice. “You are quite the spirited girl! I wasn't quite sure that my arm wouldn't give out before you calmed down.” She heard the feet of a chair scraping out from the table in front of her and Nick drop his weight onto the seat. “Now that you've decided to stand still, I think it's time we should talk. You woke up a little sooner than I expected and I haven't gotten dinner finished. You won't mind a pause in a few minutes for me to finish cooking will you?”
She waited, trying to get her crying under control, and heard the tearing sound again for a split second. Pain exploded through her hanging, helpless breast, setting the soft flesh jiggling. A fresh scream bubbled up from her throat, a line of spittle seeping out of her mouth and hanging toward the floor. “Jessie, it's polite to answer when you are asked a question. You won't mind if I have to go finish cooking in a few minutes will you?” She shook her head violently from side to side as her upper body squirmed.
“Excellent. Now...you know, this is a bit awkward, all things considered, so I'm really glad that we can talk about things in a civilized manner like this. I don't know if you were aware, but recently I have been thinking of taking a step back in the company, letting someone else...oh, almost forgot. ” She heard a small click, and suddenly there was a gentle, pulsing vibration against her pussy. Jessie started struggling again, startled by the new sensation, till her right breast exploded in pain with another strike. “This is really not going to be the most pleasant conversation in your life, so think of your little buzzing friend there as a perk. Now stop straining before you hurt yourself.”
Jessie managed to still her writhing body and took deep, shuddering breaths through her nose and tried not to think about the burning pain in her ass and breasts. “Again, better. I knew you were a smart girl! Where was I? Ah right...I wanted to get out of the day-to-day. You know, when I was looking for a replacement, there was only one real answer? Only one person at the company had the vision and the talent to manage things after I got out, and that was you!” She felt a finger stroke gently down the line of her jaw and tried to pull away, tried to keep her mind in the game, away from her ass, the fire in her tits, the tingling in her pu...NO. Not that. She had to keep it together and find a way out of this.
“I always liked the way you kept all your old date books, Jessie. I thought it was such an impressive sign of your organizational skills that you still had your life mapped out going back to the 1980s. I mean wow, that's dedication right?” A hand reached up underneath her and cupped a breast, finger and thumb rolling her nipple gently between them. She screamed mentally at her breast, telling the nipple not to respond. Ignoring her, it began to harden under the gentle touch, taking her mind off the pain in her ass, the growing moisture in her...no, no. That wasn't happening, she wouldn't allow it. Not like this.
“I was certain that the time had come for me to step down and hand the company over to your,” a quick squeeze of her cheek between thumb and forefinger, “capable attentions. I probably shouldn't have looked in your office, invasion of privacy and all that, but I did. I think I wanted to spend a few minutes privately celebrating what a great choice I was making.” His finger let loose her cheek, his palm cupping her jaw and then sliding slowly down, forefinger tracing the line of the pulsing vein in her neck. She could barely concentrate on his words. The stress on her arms, the strain in her spasming back, the...no. The pain. That was what was distracting her.
“I thought to myself,” he continued seemingly oblivious to her internal struggle, “I should look at one of Jessie's old books. She's always so demure about them, but let's find out what Jessie's life was so full of when she was, say...12 years old. I grabbed your book for 1989, and do you know what I found?” The finger had traced down to her nipple, and the tip of his finger traced lightly around it. She held her breath, not wanting to answer, but he caught the nipple between the knuckles of two fingers and twisted brutally. “I asked if you knew what I found Jessie,” he scolded as she whimpered, shaking her head from side to side.
“Well...I found that at age 12 you were a very busy girl! So many big meetings with important people!” He released her nipple, causing her to hiss into the gag at the sudden absence, more saliva bubbling out around the rubber. “Imagine a 12 year old girl having meetings with the likes of the Sardon Group, with Kent & Fay. That's high powered business for a pre-teen isn't it?” She shook her head again violently, dread seeping through her, knowing where this was headed. She had to deny it, had to find a way to get out of this, but thinking at all was getting so hard. The feeling in her pus...no, no, think Jessie. Concentrate.
“I was looking through that book, confused, trying to figure out what it could all mean. Then I had a revelation. Do you know what that was Jessie?” She whimpered, tentatively shaking her head, knowing that he knew she was lying, praying that he would not hit her again. Apparently he was having too much fun though, and he just chuckled. “If you say so Jessie. Ok, I'll tell you. I think you are going to like this.” His chair creaked as he leaned forward, and she felt his lips next to her ear, his breath hot against her skin. “I realized,” he whispered to her, “that the calendar for 1989 is identical to the calendar for 2006.” He straightened again, reaching out and ruffling her hair as she slumped. “Crazy huh? Identical! That got me thinking, maybe you -didn't- talk to those people when you were 12. Could it be that my favorite young executive had been speaking to all those people just last year? That she had two date books for 2006?”
Jessie shook her head violently again, heart racing. Ok, this was bad. This was really bad. But if she could just get him to let her speak she could talk her way out of it, she could...juices dripping down her leg, the throbbing vibration on clit sending tendrils of heat through her entire bo...No! Wait him out, get the gag off, convince him.
Nick stood, walking slowly around her strained, trembling form. He traced his fingernails over the welts on her ass. She squealed and tried to shift her hips away which forced the vibrator more firmly against her clit. Her entire body sagged as she groaned at the sensation. “Two date books for 2006. I think that might make sense. But why might you need to keep two different date books for the year Jessie? Nothing to be embarrassed about in meeting with other companies is there?” Nick mused. “Oh, wait...uh oh...didn't Sardon give a junk rating to SynerCorp just before we bought them last year? And...now that I think of it...didn't we snap up TenDyne just after a bridge loan for short term operations they had all set up with Kent & Fay fall through? Well you know I don't know much about finance, so it's probably nothing to worry about. Just to be safe though, do you think we should double check with the SEC just to make sure we aren't making any mistakes?”
She shook her head vehemently no, trying to defend herself through the gag. Nothing but muffled grunting and drool made it between her lips, and she felt tears welling up in her eyes again. But maybe he didn't know about...
“Maybe you're right. Probably no big deal. There's one other troubling thing here though Jessie. I don't know a lot of the names in this book, but even I have heard of Al Arnaya. Remember the huge stink back in '04 when Department of Homeland Security put them on the Terrorist Watch List for their 'charitable donations'? It was pretty big news.” The tears broke loose in her eyes, great having sobs wracking her body as she hung helpless before her tormentor. She had been so careful, she had just wanted to BE somebody, just wanted success for the company. If only she could explain it to him, he would HAVE to understand.
“I mean, in good conscience, I don't know if I can keep this information from Homeland Security Jessie. I'm sure you have a good explanation for it, but just in case I think we should call them? Let's just sure we get it all cleared up, huh?” She shook her head no again, praying he wouldn't do it. The idiot, those Arab companies would pay top dollar for their products, and would be the catalyst to take the company worldwide! Once the Arabs had it, no other country in the world could afford not to buy.
“Are you sure? You don't look sure Jessie. We can make those calls right now if you'd like?” He slid his palm over her glowing bottom, making her screech again, but she shook her head vehemently no. “Well the other choice is to continue working for me at the company in a...new role. Is that what you want?” His voice was all warmth and concern.
Her gut twisted with revulsion, but she nodded her head tentatively yes. She could find a way to get out of this, if she just played along for now. “And you'll be a good girl?” She nodded again, bridling over his continued references to her as a child. She would get him for this. She would just have to get that book back. Once she had her date book back, the connections would be harder to make. She could create documentation that would point the trail of blame to Nick. He owned the company after all, it shouldn't be that hard to do. Especially once she warned Sanders and Tillman that Nick was on to them, they would help her to...”
“Now before you get any clever ideas Jessie, keep in mind that I've not only got copies of the book, but I've gotten confessions from Sanders and Tillman. They were both more than happy to give you up in exchange for my not reporting them to DHS. They even willingly resigned and left their stock options on the table, if you can believe it. Oh, they also agreed to testify against you if I decide to go the legal route here. I have notarized affidavits.” She slumped, feeling defeat weigh down on her like a pile of stones. Her crying increased in intensity, tiny, wretched little sobs tearing through her. The blindfold was soaked through with tears and they were dripping to the floor from the black cloth.
“I'm so glad we understand each other. Take a few minutes to rest and collect your thoughts while I finish up this food, and then we will talk about your new position while we eat.” He gave her a gentle slap on the ass and moved off across the kitchen. She heard the door of the toaster oven, the metallic screech of a poorly oiled tray sliding out. She stood, bent, her aching breasts swinging below her with each twitch of her back or arms. Her red, stinging ass slid back and forth in the air as she tried in vain to find a comfortable position for her feet, wincing at the shooting pains in her shoulders.
The toaster oven's clock started ticking loudly in counterpoint to the buzzing of the vibrator. The throbbing vibrations seemed to reach from her cunt up through her entire body to her back teeth, piling more heat into her abused body, her breath coming in desperate little gasps through her nose. The feeling overtook her, building slowly, teasing, the feeling mixing with the pain in her breasts, her ass, her legs, her shoulders. Her world reduced to nothing but that feeling as the pressure built, the buzzing and ticking merging in her ears, the explosion waiting to happen, coming so soon, and...
She was shocked out of her trance-like state, and away from the edge of an orgasm, by the toaster oven's alarm bell ringing. “Looks like it is ready!” Nick said cheerfully from the other side of the room. “You doing alright over there Jess?” She twisted her head away, trying to hide the red flush of both humiliation and arousal that had seeped through her features. Had she been about to orgasm like this? It wasn't possible was it?
She heard him moving back across the kitchen to the table, and flinched as a plate clinked down on the wooden surface. “It's a shame you're blindfolded,” Nick said in an amused tone. “You are really missing out on seeing this food. It looks to me like everything came out just about perfect. Well at least you can smell it... fantastic right?”
Flushed, barely able to think, she didn't respond until she felt another gentle, warning pinch on her nipple. Desperately she jerked her head up and down in the affirmative, sniffling as fresh tears welled up.
The feel of the fingers against her breast disappeared. It was replaced by Nick's hand on her hair, patting her gently as though she were an obedient pet. “Good girl,” he said smugly. She heard him lifting food from the plate. She listened, trembling, as he crunched happily on the snack, the fingers of his free hand still stroking her head.
“Mmm, wonderful,” Nick said after he swallowed. He brushed the crumbs off his hands and then stood, sliding his fingers lightly down the length of her spine. “So Jessie,” he said in the old warm, friendly tone she had heard from him until today. “Let's talk about your new position at the company. And don't forget, having fun is what it's all about!” Another tiny click and the buzzing on Jessie's pussy went into overdrive, and even she didn't know whether the guttural moan she let out was purely of despair.
Much better, i like the tightening and tweaking.
Just a few minor nits, but don't let them discourage you. Not even i can find all of my own nits. Nicely tweaked and tightened.
rose
Quote:
Originally Posted by Austerus
I don't nit-pick. Rose is perfection herself at that, so I don't dare. I will say that this story is fabulous! (the first one, although I appreciate the humor of the senond one ;) ) I love the intricacies and the twists and turns. And the suffering of Jessie is scintillatingly erotic. Loved that!
Maybe you would think about getting this one "whipped" as you said, add a bit more to the ending to close it all up (as in just how "good" a girl Jessie is going to have to be for Nick...yum!) and consider posting it in the Library for our story readers to enjoy? They would most definitely enjoy it all up.
Really excellent, Austerus.
tessa :wave: