Nancy's Second Level-2 Assignment

Lisa’s Reality is the first chapter of a longer story. Because I shall be rewriting this chapter for Assignment Three, my main comments here will concern the structure of the story. The writing style, however, tends to be a bit wordy and turgid, and my revision will attempt to improve this.

Lisa is abducted very easily. The first sentence suggests that this has happened before without further explanation. Later the reader learns that she was raped, and (because of this?) dropped out of the track team in mid season. Presumably, this foreshadows something that will happen in later chapters, but it is confusing to the reader here.

The chapter ignores the risk of kidnapping a high-school girl, and the intensive investigation that is sure to follow. Having her first raped and released will have left a great deal of incriminating evidence, including DNA. Unless the initial rape is essential to the continuing story, I would leave it out. Lisa will remain captive for a long time. The description of her abduction will not convince the reader that the crime is likely to go unsolved.

The second and third paragraphs describe well Lisa’s slow realization that she is naked and bound with a man present. They are too wordy, and could reveal more of her thoughts and emotion.

The fourth paragraph establishes the plot well. Steve is part of an organization that trains slave girls. It would help to have more information about the organization. The reader is curious about it and its reason for wanting slave girls. The objective is to train a slave girl. The only obstacle is her resistance and the inherent difficulty of such training, unless the police get close. The reader is interested in learning more about the training methods.

The next two paragraphs begin to show the character of the coming training with the stern, but somewhat empathetic, gagging. It is not clear how quitting the track team in mid season is related to the rape.
The next three paragraphs continue to flesh out the strict, intrusive, but also a bit sympathetic, training method. Lisa is a little too compliant as she is untied and led to the bathroom, still gagged and blindfolded. Wouldn’t she struggle a bit? Since her hands are not tied, why doesn’t she try to remove the blindfold?

The next two paragraphs begin to build a relationship between Steve and Lisa. He seems to be more attracted to her than he has been to past trainees, and she begins to feel the control he has over her.

In the final two paragraphs more could be made of her nakedness in front of Steve, who is probably fully clothed. It is cruel to the reader to put off the three questions until the next chapter. It might be better to answer them here and complete the story of her rape and abduction.

Nancy, this was a rather solid analytical breakdown of the story at hand. Unfortunately, while it was quite well done, it was not exactly what the assignment was aimed at. Perhaps it was the wording of the assignment that left it open. I will blame Aussie for it since she wrote the assignment out. I like to pass blame to others as much as possible, too. But I digress. The essence of this assignment is to break down the story as an instructor. Treat it the way your stories were treated. It shouldn't be too hard considering what I have already read.

Well done nancy. H Dean is right though, as in what I need you to do is to cut and paste the story, and really get into editing it the way you would like it to be.

Good luck and PM me if you have any questions.

In my previous post I noted some problems with the plot of Lisa's Reality.

Now we get to the mandatory picking of nits. I have copied the story into this post and have inserted a revised paragraph in red below each of the original paragraphs.

LISA’S REALITY by Aussiegirl ( the first chapter of my very first story!)

Chapter one - Taken

Oh god, not again! Lisa struggled as she felt a hand cover her mouth and was lifted off the ground by a firm arm around her waist. She kicked her legs in the air, but soon realised she was not going anywhere. Suddenly, she felt a sharp pain like a bite in her bottom and everything started to go fuzzy. Try as she might, she was unable to stay alert and felt herself getting weaker until everything went dark.

[COLOR=“Red”]Oh God, not again! Lisa felt a hand cover her mouth and she struggled and kicked as a firm arm around her waist lifted her off the ground. She felt a sharp pain like an insect bite on her buttocks and everything became fuzzy. She felt herself getting weaker until everything went dark. [/COLOR]

****

Lisa started to wake slowly, feeling strange but not knowing why. She had a bit of a headache and she was thirsty. She went to move her arm out to grab the glass of water she always kept beside her bed, but it wouldn’t move. She tried again, and this time she pulled harder, but found she still couldn’t move her arm. She tried to open her eyes to see why her arm was stuck and found she couldn’t do that either. Trying not to panic, she tested her other arm and found it wouldn’t move either. The same thing with her legs, they were somehow held firmly to what felt like a bed. Suddenly she remembered being grabbed and the sting in her bottom. Lisa started to panic and struggle against her binds.

[COLOR=“Red”]Lisa woke up slowly, feeling groggy and disoriented. Her head throbbed and she was thirsty. When she reached for the glass of water she kept on her bedside table, her arm wouldn’t move. She struggled and felt the rope around her wrist press into her skin. She opened her eyes and saw only black, and felt the pads of a blindfold on her eyes. Trying not to panic, she felt ropes press into her wrists and ankles as she tried to move her arms and legs. She realized that she was tied to a bed, on her back, with arms and legs spread wide. She remembered being grabbed and the sting on her buttocks. Lisa struggled against the intractable bonds with panic twisting her stomach into a knot. [/COLOR]

“Now, now, don’t fight so, my dear. We don’t want you hurting yourself”. Lisa heard the deep male voice and froze. She went to say something, but felt a finger lightly touch her lips. “Shhh, I don’t want you to say anything, just listen, ok.” Lisa nodded and the finger was removed from her lips. She felt the bed dip and realised that the man was now sitting on the bed beside her. She held her breath as she felt a hand move down her neck and rest on her left breast. With a shock, she realised that if she could feel his hand on her breast, she must not have her shirt and bra on anymore. She let out her breath in a small sob as the hand moved to touch her other breast.

[COLOR=“Red”]“Now, now, don’t fight so, my dear. We don’t want you hurting yourself,” a deep male voice said. A finger lightly touched her lips when she started to say something. “Shhh, I don’t want you to say anything. Just listen, OK?” Lisa nodded and the finger was removed from her lips. She felt the man sit down on the bed beside her. She felt a hand move down her neck and rest on her left breast. With a shock, she realized that she did not have her shirt and bra on anymore. She started to sob as the hand moved to her other breast. [/COLOR]

Steve looked at the young girl that lay tied to the bed. She was 17 and was in her final year of high school. They had been watching her for a while, and had grabbed her on her way to school that morning. He knew that she was not yet fully recovered from the shot she had been given and that this was the best time to begin to mould the girl to the role she would eventually become – that of a slave. That is what he did, he trained slaves and he was very good. It helped that the company he worked for kept an eye on the young girls in the towns around the state and were very good at spotting signs of submission. Lisa had been earmarked over a year ago; it was just a matter of when to collect her. As Steve ran his hands over the soft breasts of the girl, he could feel her body shaking and her little sobs. “ Lisa, listen to me,” he heard the girl give another sob, “ today you left your old life behind. You will never go back to your school or your home” He knew it was harsh, but he had found out over time, that it was better to be brutal at the start. This message would be repeated over and over until they knew it was true.

[COLOR=“Red”]Steve stared at the young girl, spread out naked the bed before him. She was 17, in her final year of high school. After watching her for almost a year, they had grabbed her on her way to school that morning. He knew from experience that this was the best time, while she was still recovering from the shot, to start molding the girl into what she would become – a slave. That is what he did, he trained slaves and experience had made him very good. It helped that the company he worked for was skilled in selecting, from among the many attractive young girls, those who had submissive tendencies. Lisa had been selected over a year ago; it was just a matter of when to collect her.

“Lisa, listen to me,” he said, stroking her breasts. “Today you left your old life behind. You will never go back to your school or your home.” It was harsh, but he had found that it was better to be brutal at the start. This message would be repeated over and over until she truly believed it. [/COLOR]

Lisa started to cry as she heard the words the man was saying. “What did he mean? she thought. “I ….I didn’t tttell anyone.” she sobbed quietly. She felt the man’s hand move from her breast to cover her mouth. “ I told you not to say anything, Lisa. Now I will have to gag you.” She tried to shake her head to get his hand off her mouth, but he was too strong. She felt his hand move off her mouth down to her chin to pull her mouth open. She didn’t even have time to react before she felt a hard round object being pushed into her mouth behind her teeth. It just sat there for a moment, and then she felt her head being pulled up and the ball was pulled deeper into her mouth. Lisa struggled not to panic and to keep breathing, but it was hard. When her head was placed back down she could feel straps bitting into her cheeks. She was so busy trying to calm down her breathing; she didn’t hear the man speak. It was not until he grabbed her face that she realised he was talking to her again.

[COLOR=“Red”]“I ….I didn’t tttell anyone,” she sobbed quietly, unable to believe what she had heard.

“I told you not to say anything, Lisa. Now I will have to gag you.” He moved his hand from her breast to her mouth. She tried in vain to twist her head away as he grasped her chin in his other hand and pulled her mouth open. Before she could react she felt a hard round object being pushed into her mouth behind her teeth. Her head was pulled up and the strap was buckled tightly behind her head, biting into her cheeks and pulling the ball deeper into her mouth. Fighting to breathe through her nose; she didn’t hear the man speak. When he grabbed her face she realized he was talking to her again. [/COLOR]

Steve watched the girl trying to breath through the ball gag he had just placed in her mouth. It wasn’t a big one, but the feel of a ball gag took some girls a while to get used to. He told her to breath through her nose but she didn’t appear to hear him. He grabbed her face firmly, and said again, “ Lisa, just try to breath through your nose, that’s it.” He watched as she managed to slow down her breathing. “ I’m sorry I had to use the gag, but I did ask you not to speak.” He did wonder a bit about what she had been trying to say, but figured that she was just trying to say she wouldn’t say anything if he let her go. He let her face go and sat back watching her. She really was beautiful. Her breasts were moving up and down with her ragged breaths and her long, dark hair was splayed out on the pillow around her head. He longed to remove the blindfold and see her eyes, but knew it was best to do that later. She had a strong, athletic build and he knew that she used to run for her school track team. However, she had quit suddenly mid season, and no-body knew why. “ Now, where was I, oh yes, you will never see your family again. You will be trained to be what you were born to be. I know that you don’t understand what I am saying, but you will in time. For now, you need to do what you are told. As you have already found out, I will not tolerate disobedience.” Steve reached out and touched the ball gag in her mouth as he said this. “ However, if you behave and do as you are told, you will find me firm but fair. Now, I am going to release you. So long as you do not fight me and try to get away, you can stretch and go to the bathroom if you need to.”

[COLOR=“Red”] “Lisa, just try to breathe through your nose, that’s it.” She managed to slow her breathing. The ball gag was not a big one, but he knew it took a while for a girl to get used to it. “I’m sorry I had to use the gag, but I did ask you not to speak.” He wondered what she had been trying to say, but guessed she was just trying to tell him she would keep quiet if he let her go. His eyes surveyed the naked, bound, and gagged girl lying in front of him. She really was beautiful. Her breasts rose and fell with her ragged breaths, and her long, dark hair spilled over the pillow. He wondered what her eyes were like, but knew it was best to leave the blindfold on for a while. She had a strong, athletic build. He knew from her profile that she used to run for her school track team, but she had quit suddenly in mid season, and no one knew why.

“Now, where was I? Oh yes, you will never see your family again. You will be trained to be what you were born to be. I know that you don’t understand what I am saying, but you will in time. For now, you must do what you are told. As you have already learned, I will not tolerate disobedience,” he said, touching the ball gag. “If you behave and do as you are told, however. you will find me firm but fair. Now, I am going to release you. So long as you don’t fight me or try to get away, you can stretch and go to the bathroom if you need to.” [/COLOR]

As soon as he mentioned the word bathroom, Lisa realized she did need to go-- badly. She hoped that he would be quick and that it wasn’t a trick. She didn’t know what was going on, she had been sure that the same group of men that had brutally raped her earlier in the year had grabbed her again, but now she wasn’t so sure. She hadn’t been hurt, at least not yet, not like last time. She felt his hands move down her legs and tensed thinking that maybe he was just teasing, but then she felt his hand on her ankle releasing whatever it was that had been holding her there. “ Just lay still, until I undo everything. If you fight me, I’ll have to retie you, but you won’t like it much”, the man said. She just lay there, too scared to move, knowing somehow that he would do as he said. Finally, she felt her limbs released, however he didn’t touch the blindfold or gag. It seemed like she lay there for hours, but it was really only a minute or two. She fought the urge to pull her legs together, wishing he would let her stand up. Just when she thought he never would, she felt his hand on her upper arm. “Good Lisa, very good, now just stand .. slowly, you will be stiff for a while.” She was stiff and it was several minutes before she could stand up straight.

[COLOR=“Red”]When she heard the word, bathroom, Lisa realized she did need to go-- badly. She didn’t know what was going on, and she hoped it wasn’t a trick. She had been sure that she had been grabbed again by the same group of men who had brutally raped her earlier in the year, but now she wasn’t sure. Unlike the last time, she hadn’t been hurt, at least not yet. She was afraid he was just teasing when his hands moved seductively down her legs, but then she felt him untie her ankles and then her wrists.

“Be still until I undo everything!” he ordered. “If you fight me, I’ll have to retie you, and you won’t like it.” She was too frightened to move. She believed he would do as he said.

Her arms and legs were free, but she still wore the blindfold and gag. She lay there for what seemed a long time , fighting the urge to move her legs together, waiting for a signal from him.

“Good Lisa, very good. Now just stand ... slowly; you will be stiff for a while,” his voice was sympathetic. She was stiff and it took several minutes to stand up straight. [/COLOR]

As Steve helped the girl to stand, he could feel her shaking, both with the pain of cramped muscles and with fear. He had been here many times before, but there was something different about this one. He wasn’t sure what it was, but he guessed he had plenty of time to find out. Once she was able to stand straight, he led her into the bathroom and sat her down onto the toilet. He knew many girls were embarrassed to go with him in the room, but he also knew this was something they would have to get used to. He wondered how long Lisa would be able to hold out.

[COLOR=“Red”]Steve felt her shaking, with fear and with muscle pain, as he helped her to her feet. He had done this many times before, but this girl was different. He wasn’t sure what made him think that, but he knew he had plenty of time to find out. When she was able to stand straight, he led the blindfolded girl to the bathroom and sat her down onto the toilet. He knew many girls were embarrassed to go with him in the room, but he also knew this was something she would have to get used to. He wondered how long Lisa would be able to hold out. [/COLOR]

Lisa was thinking the same thing. She was desperate to go, but didn’t know if she could go with him still holding onto her arms the way he was. She had not gone to the toilet in front of anyone since she was a child, but if she didn’t go soon she would burst. Not knowing how long he would be willing to wait, she started to pee. It seemed like it lasted forever and she was so embarrassed she dropped her head and cried behind the blindfold. She felt him doing something behind her head and breathed a sigh of relief when she felt the awful thing that was in her mouth being removed. She took a deep breath and wondered if he would also take off the blindfold. She felt very vulnerable, even more than when she had been tied to the bed. She began to shake and to worry about what he would do next. Like the time she had spent lying on the bed untied, the time seemed to crawl. She had no idea how long she sat there, but the longer she did the more she shook.

[COLOR=“Red”]Lisa was desperate to pee, but didn’t think she could with him holding onto her arms. She had not gone to the toilet in front of anyone since she was a child, but if she didn’t go soon she thought she would burst. Thankfully, she started to pee. It seemed like it lasted forever, and she was so embarrassed she dropped her head and cried behind the blindfold. She felt him unbuckle the gag, and breathed a sigh of relief when the intrusive ball was out of her mouth. She took a deep breath and hoped he would also take off the blindfold. Although her hands were free, she didn’t dare try to remove it herself. She felt more vulnerable now than she had while tied to the bed. She began to tremble wondering what he would do next. Time seemed to crawl, as it had in the moments after she was untied. She had no idea how long she sat there, trembling more as time creped by. [/COLOR]

Steve felt her take the deep breath as he removed the ball gag. He hovered behind the blindfold, but decided to hold off for a bit longer. He knew the feeling of helplessness that it produced and wanted her to feel it fully. He felt her begin to shake as she sat and knew that she was starting to think of what he would do next. Finally he grabbed the top of her arms and pulled her to stand in front of him. Despite his earlier plans, he reached out behind her head and removed the blindfold. He saw her blink a few times trying to get used to the light and then move her eyes to look at him. What he saw were a set of the most beautiful, big blue/green eyes he had seen in a long time. He could see her fear and her pleading, and finally her tears.

[COLOR=“Red”]Steve watched her breathe deeply after he removed the ball gag. He hovered behind the blindfold, but, knowing the feeling of helplessness it produced, decided to leave it on for now so she would feel it fully. He watched the trembling girl, knowing she must be wondering what was next. He grabbed her arms and pulled her to her feet. He changed his plan and removed the blindfold. She blinked, trying to get used to the light as he looked at her face. He saw the most beautiful, big blue/green eyes he had seen in a long time. He saw fear and pleading in the tear-filled eyes. [/COLOR]

Lisa felt the blindfold being removed after he had finally let her stand up. At first the light blinded her but soon she was able to see his face. What she saw was a man with a strong face, dark eyes and short, dark hair. She tried to see what he was thinking but only succeeded in making herself feel even more afraid. She felt her eyes fill with tears yet again and had to look away. As she put her head down, he lifted her head back up to look at him again. “Lisa, look at me. Now in time, you will always look down unless directed to do otherwise, but for now I want to see your eyes.” She found herself looking at him again, this time with tears streaming down her face. It was strange, he hadn’t hurt her but she knew that he had full control over her. It was not like before, where she had been controlled by brute force but it was still control.

[COLOR=“Red”] As her eyes slowly adjusted to the light, she looked at him for the first time, and saw a man with a strong face, dark eyes and short, dark hair. She tried to see what he was thinking, but only succeeded in making herself feel more afraid. Her eyes filled with tears again, and she had to look away. He lifted her bowed head by the chin to make look at him again.

“,Look at me, Lisa! In time, you will always look down, unless directed to do otherwise, but now I want to see your eyes.” She looked at him again with tears streaming down her face. She had a strange feeling that he had full control over her, unlike when she was raped by brute force but still felt in control of herself. This was different. He hadn’t hurt her as the rapists had, but he had greater control. [/COLOR]

“You have been very good since I removed you from the bed, so you will rewarded by being allowed to have a shower and then you can ask me three questions. Now, I will give you 15 minutes to shower.” With that he was gone. Lisa looked around her and saw the shower and the door through which the bed was. She had a brief thought of running out of the door and finding a way out, but quickly put that thought out of her mind as she knew he would not just let her get away that easily. In fact, this could just be a test to see what she would do. Lisa took a deep breath and made her way to the shower. Once she had let the warm water wash over her for a few minutes she remembered what he had said about asking three questions. She had so many to ask but what three would help her to learn more about her situation. She was scared to ask him straight out if he was part of the gang that had attacked her in case he confirmed her fears that he was. She was no longer so sure as he was treating her so different from how she had been treated. By the time he re-entered the room, she had just turned off the water and was looking for a towel to dry her self with. She jumped as she heard his voice.

[COLOR=“Red”]“You have been very good since I untied you, so I’ll let you take a shower. I am sure you have questions about what is happening to you, so, after your shower, you may ask me three questions. I’ll give you 15 minutes to shower, and you can use that time to think of your three questions.” With that he was gone.

Lisa looked around the bathroom and saw the shower, wash basins and the door to the room in which she had been tied. She suppressed the impulse to run out the door and search for a way to escape. She knew that it would not be that easy, and he was probably testing her to see what she would do. She took a deep breath and entered the shower. With warm water running over her, she remembered the three questions. There were so many questions; how could she choose only three. She was afraid to ask straight out if he was part of the gang that had raped her. He was treating her so differently that she wasn’t sure she wanted to know just now. She had just turned off the water, and was looking for a towel, when he reentered the room. [/COLOR]

“ Here, is this what you are looking for”, Steve asked, making her jump. He handed her a small towel, a hand towel really. She took it and sub-consciously began to dry herself. He watched as she tried to cover herself, then realising that the towel was too small just tried to do the job as fast as she could. He knew that she would feel more naked trying to dry herself then she had before, even though she had been naked all the time. When she was dry, he reached out and led her by the elbow into the other room. He sat her on the bed while he pulled a chair up to sit in front of her. He saw her watching him as he moved across the room to get the chair and sit down. Once he was settled, he asked her if she had decided on her three questions. She took a deep breath and nodded her head. He noticed that she had not spoken since he had removed the gag. At least she seems to respond well to a little training, he thought. “ Ok then, here is your chance, three questions. I can’t promise I can answer them fully, but I will tell you as much as I can.”

[COLOR=“Red”]“Here, is this you are looking for?” Steve asked, and she jumped at the sound of his voice. He handed her a small towel, a hand towel really. She took it and self-consciously began to dry herself. He stared at her naked body as she tried to cover herself with the too-small towel. Realizing that the towel would not protect her modesty, she dried herself as fast as she could. He knew she would feel more naked vainly trying to cover herself than she had felt totally nude on the bed. When she was dry, he led her by the elbow into the other room. He sat her on the bed, and pulled up a chair to sit in front of her.

“Have you decided on your three questions, Lisa?” he asked. She took a deep breath and nodded her head, “Yes,” which reminded him that she had not spoken since he removed the gag. “At least she seems to respond well to a little training,” he thought.

“Ok then. Here is your chance,” he said. “You may ask three questions. I can’t promise to answer them fully, but I will tell you as much as I can.” [/COLOR]

Oooops... The HTML tags didn't work, but I think you can still tell my revisions from the original. Sorry about that.

I have now read the whole story of Lisa's Reality in the Library. It is really great Aussie, and I agree with the reviewers that gave it 10/10. Although I found nits to pick, like those in my revision of the first chapter, the story is so engaging that they are hardly noticed. I now see why the rape, foreshadowed in the first chapter is so important for the plot. The plot is still unrealistic, since the abduction and rape are so poorly carried out that the police would be hot on the trail in no time. The story is so compelling, however, that it is easy for the reader to suspend belief. Congratulations on a great story.

Nancy, this site actually uses BBCode, not HTML. they are similar, but not the same.

As for your story, there are still a few things that need improvement.

I am going to focus in on one paragraph, the second. I am picking this paragraph because it actually has some of the worst problems all gathered into it, and it should be setting the pace and tone of the rest of your story.

Lisa woke up slowly, feeling groggy and disoriented. Her head throbbed and she was thirsty. When she reached for the glass of water she kept on her bedside table, her arm wouldn’t move. She struggled and felt the rope around her wrist press into her skin. She opened her eyes and saw only black, and felt the pads of a blindfold on her eyes. Trying not to panic, she felt ropes press into her wrists and ankles as she tried to move her arms and legs. She realized that she was tied to a bed, on her back, with arms and legs spread wide. She remembered being grabbed and the sting on her buttocks. Lisa struggled against the intractable bonds with panic twisting her stomach into a knot.

Of the 8 sentences in this paragraph, 5 start with she, and 2 with Lisa. We already know the story is about her, and this detracts from my reading of the story. The pace is choppy and never gets going. You should try to build through the paragraph to a climax in the last sentence.

Here is how I rewrote it. This is bt no means the only way, or even the best. It is just what I came up with after reading your story and thinking for a bit.

Lisa woke feeling groggy and disoriented. Thirst and a throbbing head battled for her attention. Reaching for the glass of water at her bedside she felt a jerk at her wrist. She opened her eyes, saw only darkness, and began to struggle. Struggling not to panice she soon relaized that there were ropes around her wrists and ankles. Then she recalled being grabbed, and the sting in her buttocks. Panic set in and she futilely struggled agains her bonds.

This actually conveys all the information of the way you wrote it, but it also sets a pace and tone that will make your story more exciting. By starting it fast, and then slowing it down, you can make the reader feel what Lisa is feeling.

This story, and you as a writer, have a lot of potential. Attention to detail will carry you through this to the end. Not just the mechanics of writing, but what you want the reader to experience. you will never be able to get to everyone, but if you can get to a few you will make an impression they will never forget, and what else can a writer ask for?

Edit:

I did not realize that this was someone else's story, but I am going to leave my posts so that everyone can see what I see wrong with this story. As Nancy rewrote it top read the way she did, I feel that I can still point what is wrong with her rewrite.

Thank you, Rhabbi. I hope that my revision of that paragraph was better than the original, but I have to admit that your revision is a lot better than mine. It has a great pace, and does build to a climax. The only thing wrong with it is that it had "struggle" and "struggling" as adjacent words. Otherwise, I think it is perfect. Thank you for the good example.

Thanks nancy, for both doing the assignment again and for your nice comments on the story. One of the reasons I picked as one for students to pick apart, is that it has a lot of basic mistakes in it!

As my first story ever, I just wrote and didn't really follow any set writing rules. I was proud of it, but can see now I was lucky I had a plot that kept people interested!!

You have made some very good changes in the story, that do improve the flow.

For assignment 3, you need to either write the story up again, write it from a different point of view or write a background for the story. As you have already re-written the story above, I'd like you to either write it from Steve's point of view or write a chapter with some background on either of the two characters.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nancy

Thank you, Rhabbi. I hope that my revision of that paragraph was better than the original, but I have to admit that your revision is a lot better than mine. It has a great pace, and does build to a climax. The only thing wrong with it is that it had "struggle" and "struggling" as adjacent words. Otherwise, I think it is perfect. Thank you for the good example.

That is a reason to always double check your work. I actually wrote that revision while reading your revision, and did not reread it myself. you are correct, that does make that paragraph just a bit awkward.