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When I hear "interesting" (especially in the context of my meals/dinners) that usually means "don't make it again".
Perhaps I should have used the word, bold. I liked how you mixed up the dialog and the action. The punctuation is what caught me off guard as well as trying to figure out who was speaking to whom.
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I'd put "Her shoulders slumped with her confession," before the speaking.
I would change it to this:
“Friday night,” Monica said. Her shoulders slumped with her confession as she stared into her coffee cup. “He was hoping you would come home over the weekend, just to talk.”
Dialog, action, then dialog. This lets us know it's all one person speaking and doing the action. Also, it helps the reader if we name the character for the first use in a paragraph - instead of a her or she - and not later on. By calling out Monica in the last line, it makes us think that perhaps Monica wasn't the one speaking.
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In my mind, if I'm Maddie, I feel the slap on the table at the same time saying "Come on." and sitting down. If I'm Monica, that is what I see and hear. In that order. Monica looks at her cup avoiding Maddie. Her friend stares at her so intently Monica looks up. When she catches her friend's eyes, she finishes "You know you don't want to live without him...etc."
Ah, yes, I can see where you are headed with this.
And, it's a bit tricky when speaking of two females, cause we want to make sure were know who is doing what. In this case, it's okay to use their names more often than you would in a male/female scene.
Here's another way to write this:
“Friday night,” said Monica. Her shoulders slumped with her confession. “He was hoping you would come home over the weekend, just to talk.”
“Come on," said Maddie, slapping the table with her hand. Monica just stared into her coffee cup. Maddie sat down. Her intense look took Monica’s focus off - no of - her coffee and into Maddie's eyes. “You know," Maddie said, "you don’t want to live without him. You know damn well this can work.”
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I remember that part being difficult to write, because I wanted the action and speaking to be easy to picture in the reader's mind. I wrote it from the perspective of watching a play.
* nodding my head *
That makes sense.
Here's a confusing line. It's not confusing because of the action, but because of the name used.
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“You know,” Maddie said behind a yawn, “I can’t wait for Helen to get back, that way you can boss her around instead.” She flashed Maddie her cutest smile and reluctantly slid on her fluffy bunny slippers.
Is Maddie flashing a smile or Monica? If it's Monica, then a new paragraph should be used and Monica's name should be used at the start of the paragraph. If it's Maddie, then we need to change the name so the right person receives that smile.
I'd like to see you put your editor's hat on, and refresh this chapter. Ask yourself:
Who is speaking?
Who is performing the action?
Is this clear?
For example, think about this line:
“Smart ass. Don’t you usually get a spanking for that kind of sass?” she said with a mouthful of toast.
Who is she? And is she saying or asking?
“Smart ass. Don’t you usually get a spanking for that kind of sass?” "insert name" asked with a mouthful of toast.
Have fun with it and see how much better you can make this scene.
Ruby
