Insecurities

So I’ve been seeing this great guy for about a month. From what I can see we’re a perfect match all the way around – vanilla interests, lifestyle issues, overall just a great fit, dare I say perhaps “the one.” The only problem thus far is the distance, not real cross-country-life altering distance but a 2 hour drive and given both of our busy lives that means getting together every 8-10 days or so. We started off very vanilla and our last time together clearly discussed and confirmed our respective Ds roles. I’m fine with it, no – happy with it. It’s not my first Ds relationship so I know what I’m getting into, my problem is the insecurities that go along with “falling into the sub role” – you know the insecurities that go something like “omg, what did I just admit I enjoy, could that be what makes him think maybe I’m too kinky for him.” (Total paranoia I know, still though…) Overall, it’s hard for me as a sub/slave to accept that someone loves me and WANTS me because of those very roles that I hide so deeply from the rest of the world. I’ve tried to explain this to him but he doesn’t really understand and I just come off as needy and insecure which is not my goal. I know it’s something I WILL eventually get past and I know he will help how he can I just don’t know what will help me. The distance surely doesn’t help as I know things would be different if we saw each other more frequently not to mention the days between seeing each other can be tedious in trying to find time to have a normal conversation. So on one hand I’m supposed to be embracing the sub/slave in me and sharing it with him then I’m supposed to pack away that role and be the supportive, patient, understanding, independent, vanilla girlfriend that is totally ok with going 3-4 days without talking to him-- talk about difficult. I tried explaining what I was thinking and feeling but he didn’t really understand, obviously not so much the ‘in tune with ones’ emotions type' – ok everyone has their flaws.
I guess this is more of a vent, looking for support -- “been there done that” words of wisdom than anything else. It’d be great to hear how others got through it, what worked for you other than time ? I feel in the end it will all work out, it's just these beginning steps that are always so hard to overcome. :confused:

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Originally Posted by His_little one

So on one hand I’m supposed to be embracing the sub/slave in me and sharing it with him then I’m supposed to pack away that role and be the supportive, patient, understanding, independent, vanilla girlfriend that is totally ok with going 3-4 days without talking to him-- talk about difficult.

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I went through this when my master started doing business in another city. In fact, I was in a really similar situation because the relationship had just started out. I wanted to be fully supportive and didn't want to seem clingy. But then I realized that I could be supportive without retreating from the sub role. I told him that I wanted him to go because it was good for his business, but that I felt anxious when he was gone. I told him I felt silly for feeling anxious given our relationship was just starting out. We worked out a deal where he would call me at a certain time. He'd assign little tasks or just talk and it made it so much better.

You said your dom has trouble understanding what you're feeling, but even if he doesn't understand the reasons why, you could still work out a deal like that. Negotiate whatever amount of contact you need to feel alright about him being hours away.

Best of luck!

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Originally Posted by His_little one

The distance surely doesn’t help as I know things would be different if we saw each other more frequently not to mention the days between seeing each other can be tedious in trying to find time to have a normal conversation. So on one hand I’m supposed to be embracing the sub/slave in me and sharing it with him then I’m supposed to pack away that role and be the supportive, patient, understanding, independent, vanilla girlfriend that is totally ok with going 3-4 days without talking to him-- talk about difficult.

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I have a similar problem, although there isn't the distance, our work schedules limit the amount of time we can spend together. The fact that this relationship is quite new as well, add to that the fact that this is new to both of us...I find I just don't know how to feel in the gaps between us being together and e-mails. I don't want to seem needy or clingy, but I tend to come across that way at times, when we are in contact regularily I have no problem, but then 2-3 days go by and I start to panic and my mind races....did I do something wrong? should I call him or wait for him to call me? Has he lost interest? Logicly I know I should just continue on with my life as I did before I met him, but I find that a struggle for me, I don't want my life to be like it was before I met him, I enjoy the changes that have come since we met. I feel that finally someone is willing to listen to what I want and tell me what he wants, I feel I can finally be myself....but only when we are in contact, what to do the rest of the time?

I think the key is finding things that you can do in your day to remind yourself that you are a sub. Ask him to set you some little tasks, that won't give you away. For example, I have to pinch my nipples for 50 seconds each time I go to the bathroom. So even when I am at work, I am reminded I am his sub in this way.

The idea of regular contact is good, but not always possible I know. Maybe instead have a regular time where you email or text him.

As has been said above, I feel the key is to have a bit of a routine to your day, so that even on those days when you are not able to talk to him or see him, you can still feel his presence. Not perfect I know, but hey, it is better than nothing.

I also would not get too worried about him being freaked out over what you like to do, after all, it seems he likes the same things! I can understand how strange it is to tell others this big secret so many of us work so hard to keep secret. I think you are very lucky to have found someone who you can both enjoy being with and who shares your kinky desires. Just have fun with it, even with the frustrations of the moment.

Good luck honey.

I haven't been in exactly the same situations, but I've had D/s relationships (well, not that many) and a LDR...so I hope my two cents qualify nonetheless :)

Firstly, I don't think that you come off as "needy" when you want to have some more contact with a person you're in love with...no communication over 3-4 days sounds awful to me. I'd be so very insecure on day 2 that I'd be running in circles. I really understand how hard this is, and I presume that it is even harder in a D/s context when you are still in the "settling in in the respective roles" process.

As far as insecurities are concerned...I guess it's perfectly normal to have them. I still get insecurity flashes now and then, especially when I take another step deeper into the lifestyle...then I'm suddenly thinking "am I becoming too submissive? Now, he can't possibly like that, can he?" It's probably the cultural conditioning that gets in the way, though -- if they didn't like you doing it, why would they make you do it? Not every guy is out to prepare traps for you. :)

What always helped me was hearing that it didn't make me less desirable, less loveable -- actually, quite the opposite. Or try looking at it from a different perspective: you don't respect or love him less because he's dominant, right? In fact, it's one more thing that fits perfectly -- so why would he think differently?

I believe that relationships take time to grow, and D/s relationships take even more time because they are more intense (that's at least my opinion). So the best advice I can probably give is to take things slow and one step at a time. Don't do anything you're uncomfortable with. And communicate, communicate, communicate. I know this doesn't fill the gaps...but I am convinced that it will eventually overcome the insecurities etc.

From my LDR experience...this is vanilla, but might help nonetheless: Agree on a time when you both can take 5 minutes to think of each other. Alternatively, masturbate together at a certain time -- not as good as the real thing, but still nice to know that the other one is doing it as well. If the little tasks naomisagoodgirl suggested are your thing, I'd talk to him about it. Me? I really like that, and it helps me feel closer to my guy in busy times. Umm, there are things like read the same book and talk about it, or watch a movie together, or send a text message now and then...but I don't know if that's of any use to you. I'll stop rambling now :)

One of the great challenges in D/s relationships is the tendency to over psychoanalyze each other's motivations. Well, that's true in any relationship, but D/s seems to bring out the "inner shrink" in each of us and we "think" and "think" why me, why this, why now, etc. Why is that? Why not simply enjoy the pleasures we mutually share and be satisfied with our portion of ecstasy and joy?

Sure, it may be difficult to break the habits of guilt, of insecurity, of trying to talk ourselves out of pleasure by concentrating on all the "what ifs" -- but at some point it goes too far beyond mere self preservation and hovers into obsession, doesn't it? One of the keys it to have or develop other interests either shared or even "outside" the relationship. Find a hobby, enjoy leisure, take an adult class, or do anything that will keep you from simply "vegging out" because that's when the mind has too much time on its hands and we all know where that leads. Not only do outside interests make you a more interesting person and provide for "growth" but it can help prevent the clingy, needy "sub personality" that places too much pressure on a Dom/Domme to provide your "life" for you.

Just some thoughts to ponder, don't you think?

best wishes
GreyJack

Wanting contact is not insecure. I tend to imagine all sorts of things when contact is broken for any length if time, even if it is expected. Recently my sub was on vacation, and we had no contact for what seemed like years. I think I will always be like that, and I have learned not to worry about it. I simply go on and wait until contact can be reestablished.

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Originally Posted by GreyJack

One of the great challenges in D/s relationships is the tendency to over psychoanalyze each other's motivations. Well, that's true in any relationship, but D/s seems to bring out the "inner shrink" in each of us and we "think" and "think" why me, why this, why now, etc. Why is that? Why not simply enjoy the pleasures we mutually share and be satisfied with our portion of ecstasy and joy?

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I find for me, I do this in all parts of my life, you see it's my job to observe behaviors and help analise why they are happening in order to find a way to change the behavior (my job, for a large part , is behavior modification) At time this can be a good thing, I also know how to encourage positive behaviors, but I find when something doesn't seem completely right to me, I am always looking for a reason behind it. I really have to stop bringing my work home with me :icon176:

Wow, I didn’t expect to get so much support. I can’t tell you how much you all helped me -- just knowing that I’m not “off my rocker” and that people have survived similar situations is actually a confidence boost that I probably need which is great being that today starts day 1 of the 5 days I now have to go without talking to him (stupid boys weekend – grrr)


Explorer & Jack- I completely understand the over psychoanalyze everything. I’m working on my PhDs in clinical psych so the whole psychoanalytical thing is something I’m naturally good at which for me in said situation is kind of unfortunate……
Naomi & Aussie- Thanks, the tasks actually do help and I get those sometimes, most of the other times my nipples are sore from having been with him which is also a great reminder of him and my submission to him.
Polaris & Explorer- I cannot begin to tell you how much my mind races when it’s been 2 days since hearing from him. “Did I do something, did I say something, did he change his mind about me/this, should I call him, should I wait for him to call me, is he OK?” it’s enough to make me crazy. I know I just need to be confident in knowing that we’re “in deep enough” he’s not going to jump ship that easily – but we all know convincing oneself of that is much easier said than done.


Overall I think why he has such a hard time understanding what I’m going through is 2 fold. This is the first relationship he’s started as Ds, the subs before me he pretty much converted so once they had this great vanilla, loving, stable relationship going for them they worked into those roles. We’re obviously taking a different approach trying to establish it all at the same time and as I said it’s hard to know when to be in what role and then having to switch so quickly. That kind of leads into reason 2 he doesn’t really understand in that (no disrespect to any of the Doms here but) I think for them sometimes it’s easier – it’s one role all the time. Letting the submissive side out is letting yourself be vulnerable and needy – it’s hard to take the mask off and put it back on so quickly. Like you all said the last thing you want to come off as is clingy or needy but sometimes it just happens and he (like most Dom’s I know) can be so stoic with his emotions it just about kills me—good thing I feel them when we’re together. I don’t even think he understands that it irks me when I don’t hear from him for a few days not because i necessairly NEED to talk to him but I NEED to know he's physically ok --- it’s not out of sight out of mind anymore. I guess it all gets back to the “establishing all roles within the relationship at once” issue in some areas we’re moving fast and in some I don’t even know where we stand. UGH ok well here I go over analyzing everything again…..

Thanks again for everyone’s help!

I'm not so sure it's about "establishing all roles of the relationship at once." Again, one of the challenges I see here is endemic in our current culture. It's called a "fast food" nation for a reason. People expect instant gratification and it can be devastating to a deep relationship. Think about the men and women whose loved ones are overseas. Think about "in the old old days" when whaling and sea-farin' men went out on voyages of months or years at a time. Are you any less human than those who waited (yes, sometimes anxiously) for word or the return? In any life, you can and should be tender, true, but sometimes you have to suck it up and endure privation. You have to trust that things will work out well in the end and enjoy the time you have together for what it is. If you're so busy questioning and analyzing, you don't have time for enjoying life, all of life, not simply your personal relationship (which is and should be only part of your existence). This is why many Doms/Dommes like an independent sub (outside the "bedroom"). Don't be an emotional wreck every time your Master/Mistress goes out for groceries or something. And, too, if I can be so bold as to say it, don't be so selfish about your relationship that you forget to understand your Dom or Domme or whatever they may be called also HAVE FEELINGS of loss when they're away. Just because they may not wear their heart on their sleeve as you think subs do, doesn't mean the feelings are not there. It's simply that the "standard" dynamics of the relationship are such that they maintain "control" in your presence or you'd think them weak and unworthy. Pardon me, if this seems a bit rant-y. It's not intended to be. It's just a different perspective.

best wishes
GreyJack

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Originally Posted by GreyJack

I'm not so sure it's about "establishing all roles of the relationship at once." Again, one of the challenges I see here is endemic in our current culture. It's called a "fast food" nation for a reason. People expect instant gratification and it can be devastating to a deep relationship. Think about the men and women whose loved ones are overseas. Think about "in the old old days" when whaling and sea-farin' men went out on voyages of months or years at a time. Are you any less human than those who waited (yes, sometimes anxiously) for word or the return? In any life, you can and should be tender, true, but sometimes you have to suck it up and endure privation. You have to trust that things will work out well in the end and enjoy the time you have together for what it is. If you're so busy questioning and analyzing, you don't have time for enjoying life, all of life, not simply your personal relationship (which is and should be only part of your existence). This is why many Doms/Dommes like an independent sub (outside the "bedroom"). Don't be an emotional wreck every time your Master/Mistress goes out for groceries or something. And, too, if I can be so bold as to say it, don't be so selfish about your relationship that you forget to understand your Dom or Domme or whatever they may be called also HAVE FEELINGS of loss when they're away. Just because they may not wear their heart on their sleeve as you think subs do, doesn't mean the feelings are not there. It's simply that the "standard" dynamics of the relationship are such that they maintain "control" in your presence or you'd think them weak and unworthy. Pardon me, if this seems a bit rant-y. It's not intended to be. It's just a different perspective.

best wishes
GreyJack

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No need for apologies of being "rant-y." By posting my vent i was looking for exactly this sort of thing, a "snap back to reality" -- as you said a different perspective. You hit the nail on the head with what you said about him and other Dom's alike not "wearing their heart on their sleeves" -- he's admitted he doesn't show me the distance and our situation bothers him because that's the Dom in him feeling he needs to be the one in control and not let those kinds of things show. I respect that but it doesn't make me miss him any less -- and it would probably make it easier to deal with knowing he's feeling the same things i am. Either way, as he would say it is what it is and all we can do is make the best of it for now --- I'm doing my best to "go with it."

I'm also not so sure it's about establishing all the roles in the relationship at once but i don't know how else to describe what we're trying to do. We're trying to get to know each other on a vanilla level, Dom/sub level, personally, intimately, etc all in the 6 hours a week we see each other. Your make a valid point regarding your liking it to "instant gratification" Its not even that i need it all now it'd just be helpful to get to see each other a little more so we can move through all this awkward beginning of the relationship red tape bullshit. It's not that i'm a wreck when we're not together, please let me clarify that. I am completely independent and have my own life to go about when we're not together, what turns me into that "crazy needy person" is when i expect to hear from him and it's been 3 days, the longer it is the more worrisome thoughts overwhelm my head. Knowing he's ok, knowing we're ok, fine, you have things to do -- so do i, I'll talk to you tomorrow -- 20 minutes a day I can deal with. I want him in my life consistently not sporadically.

GreyJack, I agree with His little one on this, sometime we just need to hear what we already know in order to get our heads back on straight.

His little one, I completely understand where you are coming from, about 6 hours a week is all we have had as well, and there is so much to learn about a person in such a short time.

I find myself not necisarily wanting instant gratification, but rather the feeling that that gratification is on it's way. When you expect to hear from him and wait an extra two days, then my mind starts to race, when I question whether things are ok with us, I also wonder if that gratification will ever happen. Sure I would love to come home to an e-mail or phone call every day, but I also know that that isn't always going to happen, but I do want him to be a consistant part of my life, like you said, not a sporadic part.

one clever man that Grey Jack!
/salute to you.

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Originally Posted by His_little one

...The distance surely doesn’t help as I know things would be different if we saw each other more frequently not to mention the days between seeing each other can be tedious in trying to find time to have a normal conversation. So on one hand I’m supposed to be embracing the sub/slave in me and sharing it with him then I’m supposed to pack away that role and be the supportive, patient, understanding, independent, vanilla girlfriend that is totally ok with going 3-4 days without talking to him-- talk about difficult....

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His_little one, I don't know exactly what your respective work and life schedules are, but one thing that stuck out to me here was not so much the amount of time between when you see each other (which is understandable, given the geographic distance), but the amount of time that passes with you not talking to one another.

I think it makes sense to go a number of days without talking if it's for something like a "boys' weekend," but going that long consistently could be a real obstacle to your developing relationship.

During the long-distance phase of our relationship, Sir and I talked on the phone daily, even if it was just several short conversations in between "this and that." I realize you two are brand new together and that may be a bit much, but it sounds like the lack of communication for 3-4 days is driving you crazy. It would drive me crazy, too.

It seemed like my Master and I both had a need to keep in close contact with each other, even when our relationship was very new. I ended up getting a discounted international calling plan so it wouldn't be too expensive for us to talk regularly (since I was in the U.S. and he was in Canada.)

Anyway, as I said, I don't know the reasons why you two don't communicate more frequently, but I'm guessing it's not the distance. I'm sure if he lived closer, you would most likely see each other more often, but since he doesn't, I guess the best advice I could give would be to make it a priority to talk more often, if you can.

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Originally Posted by Polaris

Firstly, I don't think that you come off as "needy" when you want to have some more contact with a person you're in love with...no communication over 3-4 days sounds awful to me. I'd be so very insecure on day 2 that I'd be running in circles. I really understand how hard this is, and I presume that it is even harder in a D/s context when you are still in the "settling in in the respective roles" process....

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I just quoted this paragraph because it underscored what I was thinking.