Confusing Accusations

Ok, I have just had one of the oddest things said to me, by my roommate. She knows that I am into BDSM and finds the idea very interesting (No, she and I are off limits to each other, it just doesn't work). But she was commenting that she has a hard time believing that I am a Dom because I am "Just too giving."

This came up after she saw me with my last sub. My little one had managed to stab a rather large thorn into her foot, in the back yard. I immediately picked her up, put her on the couch, and checked the foot. I do things like this constantly, I see no reason for the people I care about to be in any unnecessary pain or displeasure. But my roommate seems to think that this interferes with me being a Dom.

She has said that if she didn't know me personally, she would never believe I was a Dom. So, my question is this. Does me being generally giving and helpful preclude me being a good Dom. I have little intention of changing me self, as I like who I am, but I would like some other opinions.

Thanks in advance.

I would speculate that it is a simple matter of your roommate not fully understanding what a D/s relationship or the meaning of "Dom"/"sub" is.

I am hesitant to serve anyone who isn't caring and kind on a regular basis... but also cruel and evil (as defined in the fun sense of the word) when the time is right as well. And no matter if they are caring/kind or cruel/evil they can still be Dominate over me, based on several factors.

So... long answer shortened. I would say perhaps your room mate needs a few lessons on what BDSM truly means beyond a few porn shots or something that don't show the full realm of a relationship.

There has been a great deal of loving care shown both by me when I am Domme and to me when I sub. I've found that respect is a necessary component of any D/s relationship (especially with regard to limits) and IMHO that tends to manifest itself in courteous behavior outside of the kink.

I think your roommate may believe that Dom equates with abuser. You can either try and educate her or just remain secure in the knowledge that your nature and the treatment of your subs does not preclude you from being a Dom.

Indeed. The idea of not being a loving, careing partner to my sub first in formost is very disterbing to me. I personly could not see a serious D/s r/l relationship being any other way.

Methinks that your roomate should join the forum and read up and learn more about the lifestyle.

I couldn't agree more with what's already been said. Sadly, it's true many people outside the lifestyle do confuse bdsm with abuse--and the two are poles apart.

There are some excellent threads on this very topic, here at the forum.

My thanks for the replies. The thing that confused me most was that my roommate was the one who showed me here, years ago. The best I can fathom is that she has a very specific kind of Dom in mind. Anything 'softer' is unacceptable.

Oh well, thank you again.

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Originally Posted by Nothinggood

Ok, I have just had one of the oddest things said to me, by my roommate. She knows that I am into BDSM and finds the idea very interesting (No, she and I are off limits to each other, it just doesn't work). But she was commenting that she has a hard time believing that I am a Dom because I am "Just too giving."

This came up after she saw me with my last sub. My little one had managed to stab a rather large thorn into her foot, in the back yard. I immediately picked her up, put her on the couch, and checked the foot. I do things like this constantly, I see no reason for the people I care about to be in any unnecessary pain or displeasure. But my roommate seems to think that this interferes with me being a Dom.

She has said that if she didn't know me personally, she would never believe I was a Dom. So, my question is this. Does me being generally giving and helpful preclude me being a good Dom. I have little intention of changing me self, as I like who I am, but I would like some other opinions.

Thanks in advance.

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I Good Maledom, will be a caring loving person or should be, the fatc that they are a Dom should not indicate that they are demanding always ect, they will be ster ect but if you have a good D/s relationship as a Dom, I see no reason why you can't be a giving caring person
Being a Dom is one thing, being a Human with feling is another, all Dom are human beings and all humans have feeling.

Just my 2 cents worth

I cant see any reason not to be kind to your sub. I mean the main reason a sub is willing to submit to you at all is if you treat her right. If you are just a harsh man and abuser... who in their right mind would want to stay with you at all?
Yes some people gets off on it but not any sub I would want to have.
A good Dom/me cares for his/her sub/slave. Thats my stand on this.

From the subs perspective I can just say Logic1 is absolutely right, as in every other than a D/s relationship it is giving and taking from both sides, and even if in some kind of roleplay I can imagine a dom not showing so much that he cares for his sub, I could never imagine serving someone who has not in some way or another earned my trust... so if you do this by opening doors, caring openly, strengthening the subs selfconfidence... it doesn´t always have to be the same way, as long as there is something ;-)
To me it sounds as if you were a pretty good dom in this aspekt.. as long as there are also some of the more obvious domtraits in you ...

best wishes, deigja

ps: why would any dom want his sub to suffer from something not inflicted by himself in any way? it´s rather something out of his control....
(is that a typical sub question?? ;-))

You sound like great dom material. Caring and clear. Your room mate seems to equate being dominant with being a sexist pig?

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Originally Posted by Nothinggood

This came up after she saw me with my last sub. My little one had managed to stab a rather large thorn into her foot, in the back yard. I immediately picked her up, put her on the couch, and checked the foot. I do things like this constantly, I see no reason for the people I care about to be in any unnecessary pain or displeasure. But my roommate seems to think that this interferes with me being a Dom.

She has said that if she didn't know me personally, she would never believe I was a Dom. So, my question is this. Does me being generally giving and helpful preclude me being a good Dom. I have little intention of changing me self, as I like who I am, but I would like some other opinions.

Thanks in advance.

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I honestly wouldn't want to submit to someone who wouldn't treat me like that. To me, being a Dom means taking responsibility for someone, and that means being there for them when they need nurturing and not just when they need discipline.

I kind of feel bad for people who seem to not want their partner (male or female) to treat them with love and respect. It seems like a sign of really low self worth.

The few dominants that I've met all seemed like really nice guys. My dom cooks for me and, most of the time, brings my dinner to me on a tray. He's even been known to hand feed me from his plate. Last night, he gave me some cough syrup for my cold and offered to make me some hot tea. He's always doing nice things like that. However, during a scene, he can be...hmm....what's the word? Ummm....not nice? *ggls* I don't know. Maybe your friend is confusing "scene behavior" with how a dom should act all the time. Personally, I don't know how long the relationship would last if he was constantly barking orders at me, etc., especially if he caught me on a bad day. Instead of "yes, sir" and a giggle, he might just get, "FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!"

Anyway, you just do what works for you, and in the meantime, hope your friend doesn't have to be rescued from an abuser who she mistook for a dom.

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Originally Posted by Voodoo_Child

Personally, I don't know how long the relationship would last if he was constantly barking orders at me, etc., especially if he caught me on a bad day. Instead of "yes, sir" and a giggle, he might just get, "FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!"

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Good thing he doesn't bark. :p

Nothinggood, so many people's perceptions are based on falsehoods, unfortunately. Your example will be the best source of learning for your roommate, so keep it up. To "oppose" your nickname, what you're doing is all good. :)

tessa :wave:

I can't see that you have anything to worry about. The best doms are those who care about their subs and want to take good care of them. I just had an emergency root canal this morning after four days of severe tooth and jaw pain. For those four days, our roles were somewhat reversed as my dom basically care for me. A true dom is secure enough in his own position to be willing to step into the serving position when it's needed.

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Originally Posted by Playfulsub

I can't see that you have anything to worry about. The best doms are those who care about their subs and want to take good care of them. I just had an emergency root canal this morning after four days of severe tooth and jaw pain. For those four days, our roles were somewhat reversed as my dom basically care for me. A true dom is secure enough in his own position to be willing to step into the serving position when it's needed.

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totally agrees with what you said...and what everyone has mention..

Nothingood, you seem to be a very caring and loving man, one who seems secure with your role as a dom to be able to care for your sub, when she was injured! sometimes our relationship roles change/switch-where we are on the other end, either from being injured, or needing moral support, from that other person.. sometimes ppl forget that we are more then just ppl who likes to either inflict pain or recieve pain, we are human, we are compassionate, caring, and fun loving ppl(some of us) and we want the best for our partners...so continue to enjoy yourself, your life style role, and maybe give her a book or two...*smiles sweetly*

:1850: Wow, I go away for a day or two to take care of life.

After the first few responses affirmed what I thought to be true, and no arguments erupted, I figured this thread would die. And now I come back to half a dozen more responses, all I can say is thanks and everyone here is amazing.

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Originally Posted by Nothinggood

:1850: Wow, I go away for a day or two to take care of life.

After the first few responses affirmed what I thought to be true, and no arguments erupted, I figured this thread would die. And now I come back to half a dozen more responses, all I can say is thanks and everyone here is amazing.

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*giggles* thats how we do!! LOL..

I'm going to have to agree with what has already been said. I think your roommate simply has a very limited misunderstanding of what a true D/s relationship is. In my opinion when someone submits to me it becomes my responsibility and desire to protect them. I would suggest offering an explanation to your roommate of what true D/s dynamics are about...it seems to me she simply has never had the opportunity to have common societal misconceptions cleared up for her.

It seems like your roommate expected you to yell at your sub and beat her with a stick for daring to get a thorn in her foot. Probably a common misconception.

when I take a sub/slave as mine she becomes the most important thing in my life. She is my possession and I take good care of my things, that is the proper way for a Dom to see his sub/slave. I spend a great deal of time being sure she is growing in the way she wants to grow. Finding out what she needs mosts and providing for that for her. If vanillas ever figure that out there would be few unhappy marriages

I agree with everyone here, my sub is the most important thing in my life, when she is hurt, I am concerned and want to take care of her.

A caring Dom is the best Dom there is...and that's what you are.

I have to admit that I'm new to this lifestyle and my impression of a Dom did not ever include doing things that would seem "unDomlike" (guess I didn't know the definition of a Dom prior to meeting him). I had an injury and my Dom pampered me....this included waiting on me hand and foot, and rubbing my back until the pain meds kicked in. At first I felt awkward, but gradually I relaxed. Because he was able to show how much he cared for me and put his own wants and needs to the side, this made me work even harder at being his "good girl".

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Originally Posted by Hime

...To me, being a Dom means taking responsibility for someone, and that means being there for them when they need nurturing and not just when they need discipline.

I kind of feel bad for people who seem to not want their partner (male or female) to treat them with love and respect. It seems like a sign of really low self worth.

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I couldnt agree more with this statement. Lots of people get involved in bdsm with low self esteem, and there are a sad number of doms who prey on that. Not just the inexperienced ones, either.

It's ALL about taking responsibility. Everything else is secondary, imo. Well said, Hime.

Nothinggood, you have nothing to worry about :)