The meaning of a collar:
I'm male - and I have no intention of being politically correct in this post. I will refer to a Dom and his girl - the Dom is me, the girl is my slave. I'm heterosexual.
The community where I live has a moderately large BDSM community for its size. But it is an unorganized and very undisciplined place. Collars are fashion statements - people buy their own and most people seem to wear one, Dominants and submissives alike. Collars are merely an outward sign that you're kinky and like to be spanked or like to spank (or more). Of course there are some people who refuse to wear collars - they are the iconoclasts in the crowd. Some of the dominants (and a fair number of the submissives too) work on the assumption that any collared girl who is with a Dominant is fair game - as one of the prime predators told me "Hey, if it wears a collar, it's submissive and why shouldn't I enjoy it too!"
I have a sense of aesthetics. I like my submissive to wear a pretty collar: one which suits her and her fetish, and which she finds attractive.But a collar is not a fashion statement. Nor is it merely a sign of an interest in kink.
For me, a collar is the outward symbol of a relationship between two people, and bears many of the hallmarks of a classic wedding ring in traditional vanilla relationships. No girl of mine puts on or takes off her collar by herself. When she receives my collar, the girl kneels before me and asks me to take her as my property. She hands over all rights to her self determination and care into my keeping. And by placing my collar around her neck, I not only accept her freely give gift, I offer one of my own: the commitment that I will care for her emotional and physical needs, that I will nurture and protect her to the absolute best of my ability. Is she totally owned? My girl would say yes, though I disagree with her to some extent. She has the freedom to leave if I do not or cannot protect and nurture her with care and compassion for her welfare as a human being.
We enjoy a lot of the classical aspects of BDSM - she enjoys bondage and being helpless, she needs a good stiff whipping to reach orgasm, she prefers that I like to keep her naked and chained at home (house chains during the day, bed chains at night), she appreciates that I make all her decisions for her. What took some time for her to come to terms with, and which almost killed the relationship before it started, was I do expect her to make decisions. The choice of collar was hers. The type of chains and when and where they are used likewise was hers. Were she not able to tolerate some fairly rough play, we would play much less roughly. In addition, when we reach a crux point in our lives, I expect her input. "Whatever you decide" is not an answer for me. Yes, the decision is mine. But I prefer to make an informed decision: informed by her feelings and concerns about the issue. she enjoys piercings. she wanted a lot of them. I'm not overly keen on most piercings. I find them unattractive. My girl is beautiful (physically she's drop dead gorgeous), most piercings would mar that beauty for me. However, knowing how much they mean to her, and after I had convinced her that I was prepared to compromise somewhat we had a very long discussion about my likes and dislikes and her hopes. We found a compromise that works for both of us. Some of her piercings will be far less obtrusive than she would have initially preferred, but meet her need to have metal embedded in her flesh without overly affecting my sense of aesthetics and beauty. Yes, it was a compromise. I made the final decision on what piercings she will and will not have (we haven't had them done yet, we're assembling the things we need that aren't available locally, and it's taking a little time because each item is judged separately and in combination with each other element.
The discussion was intense. It also served to help her realize just how seriously I consider her opinions. We poured over pictures she found - she questioned me incessantly about whether I liked a thing or not, and if so why, and especially, if not, why not. she brought out things she found particularly attractive, and explained why (none of her reasons were aesthetic, all were psychological and emotional). In the process, I think she began to see the depth of my commitment to her wellbeing in all its facets. That I was prepared to change my own views if her need was great enough. That I was prepared to accept things I wasn't overly keen on because they were important to her. Does that make me less dominant? I don't think so. I think what it does demonstrate, though is the depth of my comittment to her.
This may seem like I've strayed from my point about collars. I haven't. It's all part and parcel of collars as far as I'm concerned. You see, the moment she accepted my collar, I accepted an unending responsibility to her. That responsibility covers the obvious things (at least obvious to me). I provide her with warmth, food and comfort within my means to do so. I provide her clothes. When she's ill, I provide care, most of which I prefer to give myself - tending to her and making sure she rests and gets better. In other words: when she's ill I serve her, and do so happily and with care and concern for her. It goes further. If anyone offers her harm, they will have to go through me first. Her protection from harassment and injury are also my responsibility. Likewise, her sexual needs and preferences are also my responsibility. If her needs do not match my own in some areas, then my responsibility extends to working with her to reach a decision we will both accept happily. I do not want blind obedience from my girl. I want, and expect, her full and willing participation in whatever we do. I want her to bring joy and happiness to our home because she knows that she is cherished and cared for, and loved.
A collar is a symbol of all that, for me. It's something physical that reminds us both - daily - that the price of her slavery is paid each day by the owned and the Owner: that her service to me is matched by my commitment to her. My decisions are made with both the owned and the Owner in mind. her concerns and happiness are as important to me as my happiness and service are to her. We both give of ourselves, and the collar she wears is the symbol of that giving.
For this reason, a collar is always given with ceremony - in keeping with its importance to me. I don't just put it round her neck and pat her bottom. she kneels to accept it formally, in front of witnesses. And after she has received the collar and I have fastened it in place, I raise her to her feet, and formally introduce her as my girl, using the name she will be known by. I always give my girls names. Usually it takes a while for me to find one I think suits her. My current girl has a name we use privately at the moment. Her permanent collar is a special order, and will be fitted publicly once it is ready. Actually, we are delaying the ceremony because we both wish an outdoor ceremony in summer, so even though her collar will be ready before then, we will not use it until then. Her 'temporary' collar was fitted publicly - and is temporary only in as much as it is not the one we both want her to wear for years to come.
A fashion statement? No! A collar is the symbol of the trust and care we share together. That symbol is not to be taken lightly, nor can its symbolism be taken up or discarded on a whim. My girl wears a permanent collar which binds her to me, but equally, it binds me to her in love and respect.
Whip
