traumatic

it was 2 am, i was outside my halls having a cigarette and a guard approached me. he was a guard, i knew him, we had talked several times, i felt safe with him, or, if not safe, at least i didn't feel threatened. we were chatting about this and that and the other. i wasn't feeling too well, so he touches my forehead, checking if i had a fever. he suggested i went with him to the wardens' kitchen, put a thermometre and have a glass of water. i complied, i went with him, and it all happened there. he locked the door and then boom, it hit me.
the whole incident lasted around an hour, it left me weak, crying and utterly disgusted with myself and the world.
what scares me is that although my mind and my emotions were mentally kicking him, trying to get him the fuck off of me, my body ACCEPTED it, i even got wet. it was like a fantasy gone wrong--but a fantasy nonetheless.
i feel pathetic and abnormal.
if i'm not being too forward, i'm sorry if this is sharing too much, but i really need some input.

I am really sorry you had to go through that. Don't worry about oversharing, it is a really good thing you're willing to talk about this right now.

First of all, realise your reaction to what has happened is a normal response. It's normal you feel weak, abnormal and disgusted by yourself/your body/everything else. You have to know, however, that it really is not your fault (textbook) or that you deserved this for sometimes fantasizing about something similar. This was done to you.

If you feel strong enough, I suggest immediately going to the police. Not only will you show the guy he can't do this to people, the police will be able to get you further help should you need it. You need to be quite strong, though, because these kind of cases are emotionally VERY hard and the chance of him being convicted not that high. But maybe others have been attacked by him before, and the police should know.

If you really daren't go to the police, please, do talk about it to someone. Find a therapist if you feel comfortable doing that. Do not pretend nothing happened.

The reason you're posting here, I'm guessing, is you feel ashamed, disgusted and confused by your own fantasies. You shouldn't. It is a normal way of coping by blaming yourself in some way, and this is the way you're blaming yourself. The fact you're going to have to come to terms with, is that you had no control over what happened, some complete bastard did it to you.

You're not abnormal, you were raped. Unfortunately that's not abnormal.

your not weak and your certainly not abnormal, its normal for your body to react that way dont feel 'bad' or ashamed or guilty in anyway there's nothing wrong with you at all please dont think that for 1 minute.
those are all natural feelings you will have at this time, just try to remember thats what they are, feelings NOT facts.

if it's any help ive been through the same, im not a counsellor or anything like that but i can understand what you are going through and the different phases you will go through,if you'd like to talk, cry, rant or anything at all please pm me.

i did go to the campus police, the next day. he got fired. i did not want to involve the police, it was freaky enough as it was, i just needed to get done with it.
i really really really really need to thank you, i just HAD to share with somebody, not on the level of just repeating what happened, but in this context.
and i can't describe how much i thank you for this..

I'm so sorry that happened to you. :(

Major, major props to you for getting him fired. It must have been hard for you to speak out about it, and you did the right thing anyway.

You did just fine- it takes tremendous courage to speak out. You've probably stopped a few other women from being assaulted, something to be proud of.

I've heard enough stories to say with conviction that what you went through was perfectly normal.

*gives you a big hug*

press charges on his ass! then he can take it from some 280lbs guy named Molly.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by DOMLORD

press charges on his ass! then he can take it from some 280lbs guy named Molly.

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DOMLORD thank you, your post actually made me smile and i needed it. no, i've got my exams to care for now, i refuse to give him more time than he already took from my life, i will [or am trying to] look forward now, plus i'm going back home (Greece) in 10 days so i hope i'll put it behind me.

i need to thank all of you for replying, and again i'm sorry if this is sharing too much, but a) it's helpful seeing it written down, it's like the fucked up part of me is now on the screen instead of in my head and b) i couldn't help but connect it to my submissive side, even though it was (and it's hard for me to type this) rape.

the womens' officer told me that all guards have been informed that he is not to be allowed anywhere on campus, but it still is hard to sleep before dawn. (it's already 5:30 am)

a big, very big thank you, again, i cannot describe how much i appreciate your words, even if you don't know me and i you.

bip0lar

Im Very Sorry to Hear Your Going Trough such horrible time :icon277:
Big Hugs

Bipolar, I respect your courage to tell your story. Posted on the abuser't thread about it. Hope we can be of help to you. Please accept my virtual big bear hug...

Big hugs...I know it is so hard to think you trust and then...Thank you so much for sharing your story.

I know exactly what you mean. The whole "I should hit him, I should get him off of me" train of thought goes through your head, but you just can't seem to get your body to respond and you freeze. It *is* awful.

Thank you for being strong enough to share this; keeping it to yourself just makes it hurt more. You are a good person and you have absolutely no fault or blame in this; I hope you don't think you do. That man is horrid for what he did and there's a special place in hell (or wherever we all end up) for sub-humans like him. Thank god you got him off campus and away from more girls, and I am so very sorry this happened to you.

If you need to talk more, please feel free to pm me.