Okay, this is going to be long. I'm going to try to make it sexy in parts and funny in other parts (okay, and sometimes in the same parts) to somewhat mitigate the tl;dr factor. General idea: I'm just not into the stuff I used to be into anymore. I'm into different stuff. And it's confusing me and making me kind of sad.
Some of you might remember things I have posted in the past about my exploration of D/S and other fun stuff with my husband/master D. It was a bit of a struggle for us to communicate about our respective kinks, but we made it work in ways that have been ridiculous amounts of fun over the years. We did a lot of things that incorporated both my need to submit and his fetish for breasts and breast expansion -- him making me show off my cleavage, wear padding or other enhancements, and, in the long term, discussing me getting implants as a way of showing his ownership of me.
We also did a lot of very lovely D/S stuff, including tasks and punishments, me writing in a journal for him, sitting at his feet and removing his shoes at the end of the day, wearing a collar and, every once in a while, a leash, etc. Although it's been a long time since we've done this, a few times we played a game where he was a teacher and I was his student. I even had the little schoolgirl outfit for added "authenticity." Nothing made me happier than pleasing my master and being his pet. The breast expansion became part of that experience for me -- an opportunity to be a perfect fuck-toy to live up to all of his fantasies.
At this point I sort of have to drop the sexy part and go into the less-sexy parts. For a long time now, I've been aware that my submissive leanings are a direct result of some screwed-up feelings about my parents, especially my father. I've always been a "daddy's girl," and I've always been driven by this need to meet his approval and make him proud. As I got through high school and college, I had some problems in school that made this more difficult, and at the same time, my father was going through some changes, too, becoming increasingly depressed and demanding, and turning more to drinking to mitigate his problems. I think that my need to be submissive at that time, when I was around 20-22, was largely based on how much I missed the relationship I'd had with my dad when I was a kid, and how much it hurt to still be fighting for the approval of someone who was becoming more and more impossible to please.
Despite whatever he thought I was doing wrong, I graduated from college early, got a good job using my writing skills, and married my wonderful, successful, highly-educated D. I also decided that I'd been under too much stress at school and wanted to take some time off before applying to graduate school to build my resume and figure out what I wanted to do with my life. This led to my dad freaking out and not talking to me for weeks, and while he got over it, he still sometimes refers to me as a "college dropout" because I didn't immediately enter a graduate program. These days it's obvious that he isn't the same person I've always wanted to prove myself to. It still hurts, but I'm not playing that game anymore. I'm living for myself and D., not to enable anyone else to live vicariously through me.
So it's hard for me to see this as unrelated to the fact that lately, I'm just not submissive the way I used to be. I don't want to lower my eyes and do my very best to be perfect for my master. I don't feel like that's a character I can relate to -- I mean, you all know that I'm an opinionated, sarcastic, self-driven kind of person and that I don't like to shut my mouth and look pretty. It's not me. I feel like I needed that persona for a while, to help me get through that transition period of learning to be independent. It really helped, having D tell me that I'm his beautiful pet and he's so proud to show me off. It made me feel worthwhile in the way I was used to measuring worth, while I was working on developing other ways of valuing myself. And there is still something beautiful about kneeling on the floor to wash his feet. It makes me feel happy and right. But the whole "yes, Master, whatever you wish" thing is not really working for me anymore.
The other parallel thing that's been going on with me is that I've had a lot of opportunities lately to explore other facets of my sexuality. We've made the leap to polyamory, which is a wonderful way to see first-hand what works for a variety of different individuals and couples. I found out that sometimes, I do actually like to be dominant. That made me feel strong and confident, but it also made me question my identity as a submissive. And in playing with a couple of other friends and partners, I've figured out a lot of what still works for me as a submissive. I like backtalk and conflict. I did a scene with one friend of mine where I was supposed to be an unwilling captive, meaning that I got to do a lot of struggling and arguing and sarcastic commentary. And I really, really enjoyed that. It felt like I was still myself, just in an unlikely sort of situation. I liked that I had agency.
I'm still really drawn to any kind of power imbalance or weird interpersonal dynamic in movies, tv shows etc. I'm a slash fangirl -- I get off on relationships between characters, not just between bodies. When I talked to D. about the changes I've been going through, he asked me if I wasn't into D/S anymore. And, well, yes, I still am. It's a part of me that I don't think I'll ever lose. But the relationships that attract and arouse me aren't pure dominance and submission -- they come with conflict and resistance. One character might be clearly submissive to the other, but he never really wants to be, and he at least tries to put up a fight. When someone is tied up in a movie, they don't say "yes, Master." They say "I'll never talk!" Because it's more interesting that way. At least, it's more interesting to me.
That's the kind of scene I want to do. And I am having zero success in explaining that to D. I can't blame him -- it's kind of a weird thing to want, I guess. But this is a whole subculture built around wanting weird things. So I thought it couldn't hurt to ask. Does anyone here know where I'm coming from? Is this an epic case of "submission: ur doin it wrong?" Is there a name or a label or, please God, a faq or a wiki about the specific kind of pervert that I am turning out to be? Or am I just stuck forging my own path from here?
Stories about your own experiences are more than welcome. :)
