Loyalty to self or Sir's wishes?

So... long story short I am a bisexual submissive... I submit to both men and women, but sometimes it's harder to submit to women, and before I committed to Sir I would have said I was a switch, sub to men but Domme to women. Sir has expressed that embracing the Domme part of my personality is a large turn off for him, so essentially I have attempted to ignore it. Basically my question is... if your Dom/me wanted to you essentially erase a part of your personality could and would you do it? Where is the line drawn?

I think it would honestly depend on the relationship and the level of relationship you have as well as what part of the personality the request to "change" has been made.
I can only truly speak from personal experience but I've had vanilla relationships in which my partner attempted to change every facet of me, which of course didn't go well. My Sir, however, had only ever asked that I 1. stop cutting myself 2. that if I felt the need to punish myself (which I tended to take way over the top) I take it to him and allow Him to punish me if it was deserved.
Does your level of dominance to women include being aggressive to them? Or rude? Perhaps that's what part of the issue is? I would speak to your Master about what He expects of you when it comes to letting go of your dominance. Sub doesn't mean a doormat but there may be some ways of speaking to others that may come across badly.
I'm fairly dominant to women unless they are older than myself, and then it's a matter of social politeness (I'm from the South) and respect for elders than necessarily being submissive to them. I personally have some issues with women, particularly with trust, however I still maintain an air of politeness with them.

It depends on if he is just trying to modify a behavior or not. It is hard to change someones personality traits. You cannot change who you are, you can modify behavior but personality traits are innate.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ragdoll

So... long story short I am a bisexual submissive... I submit to both men and women, but sometimes it's harder to submit to women, and before I committed to Sir I would have said I was a switch, sub to men but Domme to women. Sir has expressed that embracing the Domme part of my personality is a large turn off for him, so essentially I have attempted to ignore it. Basically my question is... if your Dom/me wanted to you essentially erase a part of your personality could and would you do it? Where is the line drawn?

---

I think you need to start by having two conversations--the first with your Sir and the second with yourself. You need to understand what he means by turn off (bellelapine is right that it might be your tone toward women). Once you understand his point of view, you need to reflect on your needs. Ask yourself if this is something that will make or break your relationship.

I know that I am not happy when I have to deny an essential expression of myself. I also know that I am willing to make compromises in order to make relationships work. You just have to find the right balance.

Do the two of you always play together? You might want to consider Domming women seperate from your Sir (not hiding the action from him but not doing it in his face).

I wouldn't ask it of my sub.

She wouldn't be allowed to express it with me... so she would have to be open to not being exclusive... and as my sub, she would have to be open to sharing her submissive with me.

Different strokes for different folks.... but no, I wouldn't make her supress it. Whatever makes her her, I don't want to change any of it lest I change what attracted me in the first place.

The situation is that before we entered our relationship I was considering not seeing men at all, either vanilla or in the scene, He being the exception to that rule, so I think he sees women as threatening to his hold over me.
Also, it's the idea of me being Dominant at all which is a turn off, I believe. I love him, and we are making life plans... but I don't know if this sacrifice is too much.
We tried me seeing a woman, even vanilla, and he was too possessive.

Perhaps the real issue is your sexuality ragdoll- I don't see that has anything to do with partners, prospective or current.

I'll ask you the same question I asked someone else last week- what's the one most important thing to you & you alone?

(A rhetorical question of course)

Just for the record, IMO if he really cares for you....well you know.....

If his reaction to your sexuality is to be threatened, possessive and controlling, that looks to me like the signs of an abuser not a Dominant. Tojo is right, you should re-evaluate this relationship. Not only is it what you want but is it healthy and safe for you?

Sometimes it's not so much about really caring, but about being compatible don't you think? I know one or two wonderful passed me by, simply because one or two things that were central either to their or my own personality wouldn't click. I know that they genuinely cared about me, as I genuinely cared about them -- we were just poor as partners and lovers.

It is, at least in my eyes, a very difficult decision at times to 'sacrifice' a part of yourself in order to be with somebody you love. In my experience, it doesn't work. You cannot play pretend forever, and sooner or later needs have a tendency to start nagging their way to the surface. I believe that we all have a right to freely express ourselves -- this doesn't necessarily mean to act on something, but there should be an option to just be what we are, especially in the presence of those who love us or are at least supposed to so.

I think the question here is -- what is more important? Do you think you can be happy under these limitations? Do you think you can ignore this (at least by him) unwanted part of yourself, and do you think you can do so without it eating you up? If you want to try, I'd say try with all your heart. But be prepared that you might fail, and that at some point you may be alone anyway and ask yourself if possibly you have given too much. Of course that's just my bleak and jaded view of the world. In any way, I wish you all the best and hope that you will figure out a way that works for you. :)

Yeah... some people prefer to be exclusive, and if he can express that in a mature and respectful way (i.e. "I'm just not comfortable sharing" vs "well I guess if you have to you can cheat on me," or whatever other passive-aggressive bullshit), then that's a valid choice, and you have to really talk about where to go from there -- whether one of you is going to compromise, or you're going to end the relationship.

Personally, as a submissive in an open relationship, I am not willing to let my husband dictate what I do with my other partners, unless it is a matter of safety or honesty. IE I understand if he wants to ask me not to do extreme edge-play, because he doesn't want me to get hurt, or if he doesn't want me to lie about being married, which I wouldn't do anyway because that's disrespectful to everyone involved. But honestly, I don't think it's any of his business whether I'm dominant or submissive with my girlfriend. He doesn't have to watch or think about it if he doesn't like it.

I understand that different couples have different ways of doing thing, but I think that even the strictest TPE relationship has to make some adjustments to being open or poly if that's what the couple decides on. I think it's ridiculous to say "okay, you can see other people, but I get to tell you exactly who they will be and what you will do with them." To me, a relationship that's genuinely open for one partner -- he gets to do what he wants with whomever he wants -- and not for the other -- she gets to do what he's okay with her doing -- raises some consent issues.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ragdoll

The situation is that before we entered our relationship I was considering not seeing men at all, either vanilla or in the scene, He being the exception to that rule, so I think he sees women as threatening to his hold over me.
Also, it's the idea of me being Dominant at all which is a turn off, I believe. I love him, and we are making life plans... but I don't know if this sacrifice is too much.
We tried me seeing a woman, even vanilla, and he was too possessive.

---

Jealousy (a symptom? of possesiveness) is a real turn-off for me. Regardless if it's jealousy of another woman, a man, or time spent with friends, jealousy is both ugly and destructive to a healthy relationship.

You two need, or at least should want, to talk more about this.

Thank you everyone for your advice and input. We will be talking about it again, I just hope I don't hear the same arguement over and over agian -.-

Well if you Do hear the same argument over and over again then that should be considered a "warning signal" perhaps.
Always be true to yourself. Nr1 first imho. Don´t let yourself down with bad decisions cause it is a road to self destruction imho.

tc and good luck!:wave: