Advice appreciated

There is a lot going on in my life these days.. I had a hard time losing my first Master/love.. and now it seems another really great guy found me. So we´re just starting into a life together or rather trxying to fit the other one in our lives without making them too complicated.
I´m still pretty new but compared to him I´m rather experienced in the D/s context. I will appreciate all advice on how to help him explore without taking too much lead.
So far he leaves a lot of initiative to me and so i suggest things.. leave it for him to decide what he actually wants to do...
I tease him sometimes to get a little harsher reaction on me.. which he immediately understands and ignores .. mpf.. as much as I like him to not always let me get away with things...
I believe you know that problem...
We also do talk a lot and so I know what he actually dreams of doing to me... I just don´t know how to let him know (I already told him) that I´m absolutely okay with all that we talked about, that he may well take the next step.
He wants to go slow, I know that, but I´d really like to encourage him to move on a little...
So is there anything I can do without harming the hirarchy between the two of us?
Thanx, deigja

I think that if he wants to go more slowly, you should respect his concerns and try to be patient for a while.

Speaking as a switch, I know that it's easy as a submissive to assume that you're the one taking the risks and that if anyone is going to need time to get ready for something (or get over it), it's you. However, in my experience taking on a dominant role, especially without much prior experience, is a different kind of emotional challenge. You have to overcome a lot of self-doubt, guilt, and whatever else is banging around inside your head. It takes time to learn to just flip the dom switch and take control.

I hope I don't sound like an issue of Cosmopolitan from 1975, telling you to shut up and make your man happy so he'll give you lots of babies. But it sounds like you're doing a great job of letting him know what you want and how he can give it to you. At this point, I think you just need to give it some time.

Thanx Hime.
No you don´t sound like one.. I never thought so much about him having this kind of problems too... It´s a very good thought...

You may have already done this, but it is often a good idea to put your ideas into writing. By making a list of things you like or things you haven't tried but want to, it then gives him the choice of things to do. What he does and when he does them, is the up to him.

Another idea could be to write or discuss little role plays or fantasies you might like to try.
As to how to get him to move faster, that you may just have to be patient with. It sounds like he wants to make sure there are no regrets, but hopefully in time he will see you feel safe with him and will start to move things on more.

Till then, just enjoy the ride and the fact it sounds like you have found a good one!!

I know from past experience that it is hard to hurt someone, even if they want you to. He has to find his confidence and learn your limits in a more physical way than just 'you telling him what you like'. There is a difference between knowing on an intellectual level that its ok to hurt someone you care for and actually being able to do it. That emotional block often kicks in.

I think you need to just keep going as you have been. Sounds like you are doing everything right - communication, care etc. If you try to force him to do more too quickly you may find you scare him away or change the dynamic of the relationship to the point where you are topping from the bottom.

A few suggestions:

- Maybe you could try to switch for a little? Its not essential for a Dom to have been a sub (as some I know have claimed and there is a lot of debate about this) at some point but I think doing so helps to give a better understanding of what certain BDSM activities feel like. You don't have to necessarily switch to the point where you are Dominating him but you could, for example, let him try things on himself with you helping so he can see what they feel like. That may help him realise that its not pain but pleasure for you.

- Make lots of encouraging noises while he is doing things and beg him for more in a 'please sir, may I have another' way.

- It may be worth you having a safeword if you don't already. You may not need it but if he knows you have one it may make him feel happier about doing things to you. If he does lots of things to you and you scream and cry etc he may feel that he is hurting you when he is not. However, if you have a safeword and he knows that this means you don't want him to stop unless you use it he will not stop even if you cry and scream. I know from personal experience that safewords can make a sub more confident about a session and I think it can also make an inexperienced Dom more confident.
- Suggest he combines the safeword with a level of physical pain that is adjustable. Start low and build and tell him that you will safeword when it is too much. Keep doing this and he will eventually learn your limit. As the person experiencing the pain you are not in a god position to know what you can and can't take as you are too close to it. As an impartial observer he can relate what he is doing to how you are reacting.
- I know some professional Mistresses offer a couples service where they oversee a session between a couple (usually a dominant woman and a sub man). They offer advice and help and supervise the session to make sure there is no danger etc. I am not aware of there being any professional Doms so you may not be able to do this but is there a Master you can trust to take you under their wing for a few sessions to help and advise him? Someone who can stand in the corner and supervise and make suggestions etc?
- Ona similar note, how involved are you both in the local scene? Do you go to play parties and munches? If not, maybe you should start to go as a couple. Leaving him alone with a few of the Doms while you sit elsewhere and talk to the subs will give him the chance to talk to others who may have experienced what he has experienced (and may still do so) and therefore have advise and help. Besides, peer support is a good thing in this case - he needs to know that what he is doing is not wierd or unusual and that others have the same feelings and desires and you both.

Aussiegirl: writing seems to be a really good idea, thanx,
and fetishdj: some really good ideas but i don´t think even that little bit of switch would please him or me... we already do have a safeword... still there is much for me to try, thank you both

I am relatively new to the lifestyle myself, and I have learned quite a bit just from reading the forums here. Maybe he would enjoy browsing these 'halls' himself and in the process obtain some very helpful knowledge! There are many people here who would be happy to offer him advice and assistance, I'm sure. Best of luck to you both on your journey together.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by deigja

Aussiegirl: writing seems to be a really good idea, thanx,
and fetishdj: some really good ideas but i don´t think even that little bit of switch would please him or me... we already do have a safeword... still there is much for me to try, thank you both

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All good to hear.

What sort of safeword do you have? Is it a simple 'stop altogether' one or do you use a traffic light style system?

stop altogether. But he still asks from time to time how i feel about something. if it is still comfortable or if he can go a little harder..

Ok, in that case it sounds like you are doing all you can in terms of safe words etc. So long as he is keeping a check on you and so on. There is very little else I can suggest you do that will help more than that.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by deigja

There is a lot going on in my life these days.. I had a hard time losing my first Master/love.. and now it seems another really great guy found me. So we´re just starting into a life together or rather trxying to fit the other one in our lives without making them too complicated.
I´m still pretty new but compared to him I´m rather experienced in the D/s context. I will appreciate all advice on how to help him explore without taking too much lead.
So far he leaves a lot of initiative to me and so i suggest things.. leave it for him to decide what he actually wants to do...
I tease him sometimes to get a little harsher reaction on me.. which he immediately understands and ignores .. mpf.. as much as I like him to not always let me get away with things...
I believe you know that problem...
We also do talk a lot and so I know what he actually dreams of doing to me... I just don´t know how to let him know (I already told him) that I´m absolutely okay with all that we talked about, that he may well take the next step.
He wants to go slow, I know that, but I´d really like to encourage him to move on a little...
So is there anything I can do without harming the hirarchy between the two of us?
Thanx, deigja

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Well a way my dom and I found to keep communication open and Ideas flowing is having a journal. I write in it every day and we read it together at the end of the week. He has made it a rule of ours that he will not punish me for anything I write in my Journal, as long as it is not a dom bashing book.

I write my desires, what turns me on, what I am willing to try, what I am not willing to try yet, etc. It not only refreshes my memory, but it helps keep the communication flowing. It works for us, so I thought I might share an idea to help you out if I can.:icon176:

Thank you all for your immediate help. I´ll try some of it and talk some more with him ;-) as much communication as possible ...


I´ll also try to keep this thread up to date and to tell you what has and has not worked for us... As it seems we´re going to meet again this weekend and perhaps try some more and I really do see a chance for this beeing something more serious, so this is propably why I´m getting a little insecure and keep asking questions
So far everything is happening very very fast... After only some weeks of communication over the internet we felt a connection right after the first meeting... and as it happens met 4 times in this first week and immediately started out playing, but also cuddeling and talking. It just feels right and I still don´t know how I came to trust him so much. And this I do. I always had a lot of Doms, Wannabes etc jumping at me whenever I entered a Chat or Community. Talking to some for months, finding some that I consider friends but always keeping them as far as possible from my real life. Never getting to trust one completely as happened with him in such a short time.
We have so much in common and as far as I can tell our expectations as to how far we want to integrate D/s in our lives are exactly the same. We both do not mind that the other one is not overly experienced... actually it helps us to overcome insecurities and fears that we both have... We share a lot of vanilla interests and the funniest thing is propably that we share a birthday ;-)
So... all seems so good but it scares me to the bones to harm this relationship unintentionally... as it could just be what I always dreamt of :-)

Thanks again for all advice
Deigja

Deigja, consider what Aussiegirl said about writing down your fantasies. If you don't want to do fiction, think about filling out a limit questionaire. There is an example here. This will give him a few more ideas of what you like/dislike without telling him exactly what to do.

When I was first learning to Domme, I was unsure about how far I could go and how hard I could push. I questioned if my partner really liked it or if she was just doing things to please me. Only once we built up trust, did I gain the confidence to give my partner exactly what both of us wanted.

You might want to also consider the traffic light idea of safewords. I use red, yellow, green. By having a 'slow down' word and not just a 'stop right now' will give you a break if things are going too fast. Having a 'keep going' word will give him a chance to check in without breaking the mood.

I can only the echo the other posters in telling you to be patient. You have been frustrated by the posers and wannabes in the past. Don't mess up what you have finally found by pushing him too hard. Be patient and you will be rewarded.

I very much agree with what has been said already, so I'll refrain from repeating it all over again :)

When I first started out in the lifestyle (sounds strange to me, but will have to do) we were both brandnew, he a little more than me (insignificantly, really). We were vanilla, something happened (what -- don't ask me) -- and suddenly we weren't anymore. ;) What I'm getting at is that in the beginning he was very careful with me, and very nervous to unintentionally do something I didn't enjoy etc. Giving positive feedback was really important. I did all the moaning and 'please more' stuff that has already been suggested, but I also made sure that he knew that I really enjoyed our activities a lot. I wrote little notes, saying things like "I loved it when you <insert activity of your choice here>", or similar. He liked that, I think, and he got bolder with time. Building trust works both ways. I believe it was easier for me -- I knew he loved me, and I knew that if I used my safeword he would stop right away. However, he had to trust me as well. He had to learn to trust me that I wouldn't run and shout "Police!" once the arousal wore off. He had to learn to trust me that I *would* use my safeword if I needed to. And oh, it was an exciting and very satisfying time -- I almost envy you a bit :) I'd say, enjoy and let things develop with time...and before long you'll most likely end up with a bit more than you bargained for (yes, they have a tendency to get MEAN once they know you like that);)

Euryleia, Polaris Thank you both a lot. I will try to built his trust as much as he builds mine and I already took up Aussiegirls idea of writing by writing a short series of Scenes. I think I&#180;ll have another go at them and if he allows will post them here in translation... just short episodes of perhaps half a page on what I could imagine to happen between the two of us.. all a mixture of what we already did and what I would like and alltogether rather harmless but just a way to start... I started this with three scenes to make a choice available to him and intend to send him some more...

wow.. here you go ;-)
scene Nr1 in translation. hope you enjoy it. Deigja



Liz was standing in the dark. No spark of light came through the scarf that was wound around her eyes. Cool air made her Hair stand up. She knew she was not alone in the room, still she felt safe.
She didn&#180;t know what Murphy did but she heard him moving through the room and was thinking hard on what he might have planned for her.
He kept her waiting.
She didn&#180;t know how long she was standing here in the center of the room, a scarf around her eyes, her hands bound in the small of her back, clothed only with the collar he had put on her.
She felt him stepping closr from time to time. felt his warm breath on her skin... at her shoulder, in her face, on her breasts... she craved a touch.. any touch.. but his rules were clear: Do not move unless told or shown how to, do not speak.
Beneath the blindfold she closed her eyes, imagined his hands moving slowly over her breasts... but nothing happened. She only heard a faint laughter when he saw her nipples getting hard at the thought. He was close.. but still to far away. And she could not, would not move against his orders.
She had lost all sense of time. How long was she standing here? 20 minutes? several hours? She didn&#180;t know.
Then he was standing right in front of her. She felt the warmth of his body close to hers, knew that she would only have to lean a centimeter to the front to feel his warm chest pressed against hers. Still.. she didn&#180;t move. Just blew her breath directly into his face.
His strong hands were put onto her shoulders as his short beard pressed against her cheek, as he kissed her softly but possesively
Liz surpressed a moan, now making contakt to his skin. She enjoyed this first contact after standing alone a lot, savored it.
His hands pushed her away a little and down to her knees while he followed her down, kissing her again. When he stood up again he left his hands around her head, slowly caressing her neck with a finger.
Liz knew what was to come. Her heart was racing.She would serve her Master here and now, him who had so often cared more for her release than his own. She would now give him pleasure.
And she was right. Not long until she felt his cock at the rip of her lips, covert by only a thin layer of rubber, already hard.
With a smile she licked over the tip of his cock before closing her lips around it. Left herself to his guidance, to his rhythm.
She was content with just kneeling here before her master, feeling his satisfaction while his cock got even harder, feeling him caress her head affirmatively.

Very nicely written, deigja. I could definitely feel your passion for submission and I think your guy will appreciate the ideas.

Oh very nice writing indeed! I am sure more writing along those lines would make anyone see what you like!

I also like the suggestion by Polaris that you let him know after a scene what you liked. I know communication is such an important part of any relationship, but more so in a D/s one. Do all you can to keep him in the loop of how you are feeling.

I am sure you will have lots of fun --- Oh and if you ever feel the urge to write more, do pop into the writer's block! You have a lovely way with words.

Thanx again.
The writers block... is interesting but I do not always have the time for regular attendance.

We&#180;re moving on. I ask myself if it is a good sign that he throws his plans overboard because of me but i decided that I take what I get and love every minute of it.
He came over yesterday evening and had made up his mind to drive back home sometime during the night. Nevertheless I was the one to wake him gently around 8 o&#180;clock in the morning and he would have stayed if not for something important... So I&#180;m really glad I could make him forget his plans.
He also seems more courageous now... tries out a little more without too much fear of hurting me, just asks how I like it ;-)
He also got the knack now how to make me almost crazy... and I wonder if I not already am crazy to tell him that I like beeing kissed in places where even kissing tickeles so much that I can&#180;t keep myself from trying to hide... to tell him that there is sometimes this point that I can not overcome by myself... Because something feels so good that it is almost painful ;-)
Seems I got myself a fast learner for my Master... and I suppose it won&#180;t take long until I indeed get more than I bargained for


Deigja

Quote:

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Originally Posted by deigja

There is a lot going on in my life these days.. I had a hard time losing my first Master/love.. and now it seems another really great guy found me. So we´re just starting into a life together or rather trxying to fit the other one in our lives without making them too complicated.
I´m still pretty new but compared to him I´m rather experienced in the D/s context. I will appreciate all advice on how to help him explore without taking too much lead.
So far he leaves a lot of initiative to me and so i suggest things.. leave it for him to decide what he actually wants to do...
I tease him sometimes to get a little harsher reaction on me.. which he immediately understands and ignores .. mpf.. as much as I like him to not always let me get away with things...
I believe you know that problem...
We also do talk a lot and so I know what he actually dreams of doing to me... I just don´t know how to let him know (I already told him) that I´m absolutely okay with all that we talked about, that he may well take the next step.
He wants to go slow, I know that, but I´d really like to encourage him to move on a little...
So is there anything I can do without harming the hirarchy between the two of us?
Thanx, deigja

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Doing a Checklist and Submitting it to Him may help? :)

Respectfully~SidheWolf

Two words deigja -be patient.

He's the one in charge, & if he's anything like me he won't be rushed.

Thanks Tojo.... for making this so clear. Yes he is in charge... and I&#180;ll try to keep myself calm, from rushing, even if it is not really easy ;-)

And Thanks every one.. This thread reminds me all the time to let him move on as he wants... Once I know what I want I tend to want it immediately ( not one of my best traits *grins*) But there&#180;s a lot of good advice here that keeps me thinking. I really don&#180;t want to ruin this... so I&#180;ll have to wait if I want to or not.

he has read this thread yesterday evening and I was a little afraid of hs reaction as I revealed some of my insecurities here. Do not misunderstand.. we talk a lot about what we do, whats going on, what we want, but I always tried to be supportive and did not tell him about my fear of ruining everything by making to much pressure.. so he knows this from the thread.
Now I&#180;m really relieved as the reaktion was only an offer to talk about this as well.

Now I&#180;m somehow angry about myself for not telling him... sometimes it&#180;s just hard to be open all the time about everything... especially about fears and insecurities as I&#180;m pretty used to dealing with my feelings all by myself. I never was a very open or trusting person even if I try to be with him. This seems to be another thing I&#180;ll have to learn.
For days now I&#180;m wondering how I came to trust him so fast... and it seems even here are some more steps to be taken... Until one day I do not fear his reation any more (which I&#180;m sure will be really soon as I get to know him better and better).

Deigja

OK Deig,

firstly the story is nice. It doesn't need to be any longer, it illustrates the main points and has wonderful visual imagery.

As to the problem at hand. Let us assume that his visits can either be predicted (Every Friday at 7) or you can get him to your place by phone etc.

e-mail him the story beforehand or leave a print out where he can find it easily when he arrives (Attach to string and tied around your neck). Get naked and get self bound in the manner described in the story. In short, you are leaving written instructions, with all of the implications for conset, on what to do with the naked, bound, helpless,woman in the center of the living room.

And if that doesn't work, I am sorry but he is as thick as two short planks and should be beaten repeatedly.

Regards

Rubberwolf

Quote:

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Originally Posted by deigja

Thanks Tojo.... for making this so clear. Yes he is in charge... and I´ll try to keep myself calm, from rushing, even if it is not really easy ;-)

And Thanks every one.. This thread reminds me all the time to let him move on as he wants... Once I know what I want I tend to want it immediately ( not one of my best traits *grins*) But there´s a lot of good advice here that keeps me thinking. I really don´t want to ruin this... so I´ll have to wait if I want to or not.

he has read this thread yesterday evening and I was a little afraid of hs reaction as I revealed some of my insecurities here. Do not misunderstand.. we talk a lot about what we do, whats going on, what we want, but I always tried to be supportive and did not tell him about my fear of ruining everything by making to much pressure.. so he knows this from the thread.
Now I´m really relieved as the reaktion was only an offer to talk about this as well.

Now I´m somehow angry about myself for not telling him... sometimes it´s just hard to be open all the time about everything... especially about fears and insecurities as I´m pretty used to dealing with my feelings all by myself. I never was a very open or trusting person even if I try to be with him. This seems to be another thing I´ll have to learn.
For days now I´m wondering how I came to trust him so fast... and it seems even here are some more steps to be taken... Until one day I do not fear his reation any more (which I´m sure will be really soon as I get to know him better and better).

Deigja

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Deigja,

Don't be hard on yourself, as it is not easy to share every feeling you have, especially ones that you worry will hurt or upset someone you care about. The response you got was also the best one you could get!! To be able to discuss issues is the greatest gift you and your Dom can have.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Rubberwolf

OK Deig,

firstly the story is nice. It doesn't need to be any longer, it illustrates the main points and has wonderful visual imagery.

As to the problem at hand. Let us assume that his visits can either be predicted (Every Friday at 7) or you can get him to your place by phone etc.

e-mail him the story beforehand or leave a print out where he can find it easily when he arrives (Attach to string and tied around your neck). Get naked and get self bound in the manner described in the story. In short, you are leaving written instructions, with all of the implications for conset, on what to do with the naked, bound, helpless,woman in the center of the living room.

And if that doesn't work, I am sorry but he is as thick as two short planks and should be beaten repeatedly.

Regards

Rubberwolf

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Thanx for the advice Rubberwolf ;-)
Actually I do not think he really needs instructions point by point, and it would spoil the feeling a little if you know beforhand what happens... kind of like domming yourself.
I do like the idea to await him bound though... I´m sure I´ll try some time...
The story... is one of a couple that I sent to him and I already had a mixture of those with some of his own input done to me... so pleeeease.. no beating for my Master.

(wow it seems I get rather possessive here ;-))


Thanx also for your comment on my little story ;-)

Deigja

Lots of great advice here. My 2 cents....

Find a kinky toy store, go together to buy a book or two. Browse the selection and talk about them. Wander over to the flogger display, look at the variety.... leather, deerskin, suede, rubber..... Compare the leather restraints to the rope that is in stock.... Get ideas, share reactions and feelings.

Find some kinky classes, go to one together. A great way to get ideas and confidence in one fell swoop.

Most of all, play safe and have fun!

Hi all
thanx again for all the advice.
We&#180;re moving on... and a lot faster now. Experimenting together, now him beeing the leader... and I do really really like his way to rule ;-).
We did a questionnaire and discussed it, we talked some more and we had a lot of fun.. (as you can also see on my avatar pic ;-) )
My insecurities are gone. I know now that I can talk with him about absolutely everything, how absurd or scary, important or unimportant it may be.
We find ourself konfronted with a lot to explore and will enjoy every moment of it.

The best of it: This seems to become a relationship that will last for some time... hopefully really long as I found my Master


Thank you all, Deigja

Quote:

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Originally Posted by deigja

Hi all
thanx again for all the advice.
We´re moving on... and a lot faster now. Experimenting together, now him beeing the leader... and I do really really like his way to rule ;-).
We did a questionnaire and discussed it, we talked some more and we had a lot of fun.. (as you can also see on my avatar pic ;-) )
My insecurities are gone. I know now that I can talk with him about absolutely everything, how absurd or scary, important or unimportant it may be.
We find ourself konfronted with a lot to explore and will enjoy every moment of it.

The best of it: This seems to become a relationship that will last for some time... hopefully really long as I found my Master


Thank you all, Deigja

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Good for you! That's a great avy ;) :D

After some time now, I´m feeling a lot more comfortable and he as well... we know each others likings and limits far better and it´s still working out.
Yesterday we had a really nice session in our playground ( we keep taking everything we think useful into an empty heybarn that we declared our personal playground).
It was just a wonderful evening and the first time we had sex with me in a rather complex bondage.
I jus had to tell somebody... but I found myself the best master that I culd ever find ;-)


still more than happy - deigja

Great news, deigja. How wonderful that you've found the perfect Master for you. Best wishes as you two move forward together.