Experience discrepancy

I was speaking with a submissive yesterday. Things went well for quite some time, we were both becoming interested in the other, but then things fell apart. At the time I couldn't have told you why.
Later when I thought about it, I realized my confidence had faltered when I learned she had many years experience in the lifestyle , while I've only had a few. She has had partners serious about BDSM, while I have only found timid ones, who were unwilling to push themselves, or me.
That I let this get in the way disturbs me, it seems a catch 22 situation, and I am not sure what to do about it, or if there is anything which can be done.

Thoughts?

Let her teach you. It's a golden opportunity. Crush your insecure feelings under your boot and go for it.

...or it could be something completely different and you're just picking this one thing because it sticks out. Usually my gut feeling is correct, even if I don't understand it until a long time afterwards.

In my experience it is not at all essential to have a dominant who is more experienced, my idea of experienced will be different to yours, it will be the same for everybody out there.

When a relationship first starts it may be clear than you might not wield a cane as she is used to, or likes. But this should never stop you, ignore the little demons who are stopping you.
We have all made mistakes in this bdsm world, and it is the lessons we learn from them that make us more experienced everyday.

My dominant was less experienced than me but that never stopped us, and he learned remarkably quickly and soon he just got the feel for it and we have not looked back since.

We all had to start somewhere, and if no-one gives us a chance how will we grow?

I kow this can be intimidating. Even without consciously doing it, someone with experience can project that experience out in a way that can put off the inexperienced.

Not sure what practical advise I can give save to reinforce that given above. Though one thing that may help:

When you are in play, make sure that you are definitely in play. She is not allowed to comment on what you are doing unless it is for safety reasons or prearranged safewords (if you use them). She has to agree to stay silent and obey all commands etc. Then, when play is over, maybe during afterplay or even a while after, you can talk about it. That is the time when she feedsback any opinions about your methods, when you could hit her harder, how far you could have gone and so on. This way you may get the benefit of her experience without you feeling like she is criticising your every move while you are trying to get into Domspace.

it is understandably a challenge from the perspective of a new dominate to hold power over a more experienced submissive i can easily see how it could seem intimidating, try to rember though just becuase your new doesnt nessesarally mean you lack talent,

here are some tips from one thats been around the block so to speak:

1: be inovative, reaserch a lot on your own,, (like yu are doing now congrates)

2:have her write out or voice record all her experiences and or fantasies or better yet have her kneel in an exposed position (tail up face to floor works well) and "interrogate her" about them, asking her questions like this can be rather fun if yu want it to be

3:file away everything she tells you in that "elephant" brain so many dominates seem to have for future refference, it will cum in handy, and if yu wait long enough she may be surprised at the unique way yu bring some of those things to futition basically making her allways guessing never really knowing exactly whats in store, despite her past knowledge you will be in charge

4: last but not least, learn to read her responses, know thy subbie as well as if not better than yu know thyself,that way you will know if what your doing is exciting her or just the same ole cup of tea,as well as developing an even deeper connection to her, if she is really more experienced than u, she will love yu all the more for it

gets of my lil soap box and yields the floor to another,, hope this helps yu in yur endeavors, skips from the room tossing flowers a paga bota bouncing at my hip my ankelettes jingeling

SeatlleDom, as ineperienced as I am, I can tell you to just don't let your fears guide you. You obviously like this sub - and she likes you...When it comes to submission, age and experience hardly counts. My mistress is way younger then me, yet had me submitting to her in a couple of days...
If domination is really natural to you then let that guide you. Use that typical submissive strait to please your dom, to tell him (or her) about your fears, wishes, needs, fantasies etc. It will give her a feeling of safety and grant you knowledge essential for guiding her. As denu tells, a submissive will like and love you all the more for it! Tell us wether or not you met her again!!

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Originally Posted by SeattleDom

I was speaking with a submissive yesterday. Things went well for quite some time, we were both becoming interested in the other, but then things fell apart. At the time I couldn't have told you why.
Later when I thought about it, I realized my confidence had faltered when I learned she had many years experience in the lifestyle , while I've only had a few. She has had partners serious about BDSM, while I have only found timid ones, who were unwilling to push themselves, or me.
That I let this get in the way disturbs me, it seems a catch 22 situation, and I am not sure what to do about it, or if there is anything which can be done.

Thoughts?

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well, Sir, i think having an experienced slave can be over rated. Usually it just means there's more bad stuff to need to help her get over from all the crap "Doms" in her past who've had her first. If the possible baggage and damage is more difficult than One can or will handle, then thats one thing, but i dont think there's anything to be intimidated about otherwise, personally. If the People she's been with before You were what she wanted then she'd still be with Them i assume.

Another point... something I have learnt in the work place as well.

No matter how experienced you are, you still have to learn a lot when in a new situation. Even if you have worked in similar places before there are always differences - different procedures, different equipment, different people. Same in relationships. Every Dom, Domme and sub is different and when you meet a new one you all have to start from the beginning and learn their little secrets and 'ways'. So, in some ways, you could say that her experience in general is less useful in her current situation as it is not experience of you specifically.

I was more experienced than my Master was when W/we first met. He freely admitted from the beginning that He didn't have that much experience. I'll admit at first I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to be with Him, because the other Doms I'd been with had all been experienced ones. But I was very attracted to Master and truly wanted to be with Him. So W/we took it slow in the beginning and He didn't mind me being His teacher. W/we have both been able to relax and really enjoy O/our relationship. I had had a couple of bad relarionships with Doms in the past, where I had worn the dreaded velcro collar. But I knew that Master would never mistreat me or abuse me and I trusted Him implictly. And so far O/our relationship has worked for going on ten years now.

Dreaded Velcro collar? Is this an actual physical collar made of tacky materials (like the velcro bondage accessories you see in some sex shops) or a metaphor for a relationship with a bad Dom? Either way, nice description... :)

The velcro collar is the online collar, where you are wearing the collar one week, don't hear from the online Dom for another week and find out that he has collared another sub in the meantime. I used to be a member of The Slave Register and there are quite a number of "Doms" on there that I've known from Yahoo chat who have collared and uncollared a sub and then turned around and did the same thing two or three more times within one year. I knew subs on the TSR who have had several online Doms. mostly because the "Doms" have merely been players. Of course, some subs I've known have been players as well.

So metaphorical then. Its a nice image, I like it and it fits :)