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Craft a short story or a scene which will incorporate following concepts/elements:
A power exchange
Fairness
A mosquito
Use first person narrative.
Any genre. There is NO word limit but try to keep in the neighborhood of 1500 words.
Happy writting :)
My first thought was "write it from the perspective of the mosquito". I always get these crazy ideas, please forgive me for that :)
Anyways, I wrote it from a "he" perspective, actively leaving out names and too many descriptions. I quite like the piece, which is a rare for anything I write, I usually hate it by the time I am done. Of course there will be lots to criticize about, so bring it on, direct and open, the more the better. I am here to learn to become a better writer :)
Word says its 1681 words, so I hope I am still in the neighborhood and not already in a different town.
Quote:
I really need to get a better whip. I mean I bought it years ago, together with a small selection of other toys and it is plain cheap. I love the riding crop and the paddle that I bought at the same time but this whip is just useless.
Someone wrapped leather around a wooden stick, twice and then fastened it with a couple of nails to the handle. Next they cut from the end to the handle straight lines. At least that’s how it looks. The strips are not wide, have sharp edges and just no weight to them. Whipping needs some weight in the instrument.
I remember reading about a discussion for the ideal whip. A leaden string would make the perfect one, as it is flexible as a string but heavy like lead, which of course is all just semantics. Leather comes close to this ideal, so it has to be a better one.
My submissive hates that whip. I can’t blame her. So we set off to buy a new one. Since it will be used on her, I let her pick it out. That is only fair I think.
The shop is one of those classic sleazy ones. Whoever opened most of them just wanted the privacy and darkness, so they all have the same appeal of a wet hole in the wall. As long as they had what I wanted, that did not bother me, but it still bothered her.
"Please let’s order it online", she pleaded with me.
"No. The one we have is from an online shop and look how bad it is. I want to try it before I buy another one."
That shut her up. She did not think I would try it on her right there in the store, now she would be convinced of it.
Most stores of this nature are small, it's just not a big box business. In this case it was shaped with one section going further into the back and the darker areas. Fortunately that was where the whips were hanging on different pegs.
I grabbed one, especially vicious looking and saw her tremble in fear.
"Do you have something to say, slut?"
She knew now what she was in for. Slowly and carefully she knelt down. She was nervous but she knew better than to forget her training.
"I beg you; please select another whip, master."
Her head hung low, her face was flushed. She tried hard not to look at the nasty single tail whip. I knew these would hurt like hell and I was not confident enough to be able to wield it.
Slowly I put it back and picked up another one. This one had long strands, each one separately braided. The price tag was steep but this would do just fine.
I held the strong whip handle down to her lips. She looked at it, still fearful, but she knew I would leave the choice to her, at least for the instrument of her torture. The application of it would be entirely up to me.
She bent forward and kissed its handle. The choice was made.
The whip was not very long. If I put it on my belt by the loop at its handle, it would not reach the floor. Each stroke with it would be deliberate, precise and painful.
Having not received a good whipping in a while, she was craving it by now. The other whip just did not cut it and would be disposed off once we were home. Never get rid of your old whip until you have a new one was my motto with this, otherwise she might think I would not whip her at all.
"Get up," I commanded her and she followed me to the till.
"I'd like to test this whip here on my slut; do you have a quite place where I could see if it works for me?"
She looked nervously from me to the man behind the counter. He was younger, bored but not stupid looking.
"Sure," he said. "Just through the curtain there we got some furniture on display. Please don't make a mess or I have to clean it up."
"You hear that slut? No mess, understood?"
"Yes master," she spoke softly behind me.
The room was nothing special. It looked like an oversized changing room. The furniture only consisted of a rack, a cross and two benches. Enough room to swing a whip though.
"Kneel over the bench here, pull your skirt up, your panties down and spread your legs. Wider."
She obediently did as told. Small corrections on her behavior always turned her on more.
With care I ran my fingers over her smooth butt. I have never been an ass man, but I can see the attraction to that smooth round surface. The softness of a woman's behind has a certain attraction but it also makes a formidable target for all sorts of games.
"Fold your fingers behind your neck, slut."
"Yes master."
Her breathing came heavier; she was dreading and enjoying this just as I did. The little rush her submission gave me, the promise of the whipping to come, her twitching and moaning to the dance of the leather on her well shaped globes was creating quite a stir in between my legs. I had to adjust myself a little before I could continue.
"Do you think it was fair of me to let you chose with what you will be whipped in the future?"
"Yes Master, that was very kind of you."
"So it is just as fair, since you selected the implement that I get to chose whenever I wish to use it on you. What do you think?"
"I think that is fair, Master."
Talking about it made her butt wriggle a little. She was not conscious of it, I knew, but she did it none the less when she got really aroused. I decided that it's time to fan the flames.
The whip handled great. It swung through the air nicely and made a distinct sound. It sounded strong and painful, not weak and puny like the old one. Rotating it a few times in the air, to feel its weight right, I noticed a mosquito had found a nice resting place right on my submissive ass.
With a flick of my wrist I swung the strands and hit her right across her cheeks, squishing the mosquito in the process. It had a nice resting place on the right cheek of my slut kneeling on the floor. I flicked it off and continued to apply the whip liberally, if not as hard as the first time.
"Which whip hurts more, slut, this one or the old?"
"This one hurts a lot more master if you hit me hard. But it also hurts a lot less when you brush my skin softly with it."
"So you prefer this one then I presume?"
"I prefer whatever brings you the most pleasure in using on me master."
I smiled. She was learning how to speak as a good submissive rather quickly. Some don't like this sort of behavior, for me this was a large turn on. It was for her as well. I could smell her sex in the small room.
"You are very wet, slut. You seem to enjoy the whipping a lot."
She blushed again deeply.
"Yes master."
"Would you like to cum slut?"
"Yes master, please let your slut come for you."
I sat on the bench beside her and lightly brushed her swollen pussy with my finger tips. I had hit her a couple times right on it and some red marks were visible. Whenever she got really excited it would swell up a bit like now, pushing her over the edge was easy and very amusing.
She kept her position; she knew not to break it without my command.
Finding her clit was easy, it stuck out like a small pole, hard and engorged. It wanted to be touched and I obliged.
Moans escaped her throat, from deep inside her. She curled her toes up and towards each other. A light shake went crept over her body as I kept stroking her clit. My fingers stroked through her pussy again before returning to her sensitive spot. She would reach her climax very soon.
"You have permission to cum for me, slut."
"Thank you master," she breathed heavily.
A small pinch on her clit pushed her over the edge finally, and she came with a deep moan, her thighs shaking, her fingers digging into each other, muscles pumping and her pussy pulsing against my hand. It was a wonderful sight that I tried to enjoy as often as I could.
Not giving her much time to recover, I pulled her back making her kneel on the hard linoleum floor.
"Open your mouth, slut."
Quickly she opened her mouth wide, sticking her tongue out. It did not take me long to free my hard-on from my pants and push it into her mouth. She licked expertly along its sides. She put some special attention to licking along the vein on the underside of it, as she knew this drove me wild. I kept back, and she sucked on the tip of my cock, like it was the very air she needed to breathe.
My slut is a very greedy cocksucker. And she is also an expert at it. I could not keep back any longer, grabbed her hair and started fucking her face. She kept her fingers behind her neck, even when she was gagging. Her tongue was flicking fast over my member, while I used her mouth for my pleasure. She enjoyed this part almost as much as when I used her other holes.
With a few more thrusts, I released myself into her mouth, while she kept bobbing her head on my cock.
Greedily she licked every bit of sperm from my cock.
"I think we found the perfect whip for you slut."
"Yes Master."
Hi Liam -- I thought I'd throw in some of my observations since Pejanon hasn't got here yet. This is Simon from bdsmbooks dot com.
I love this idea.Quote:
Originally Posted by Liam Naisson
More power to you!Quote:
Originally Posted by Liam Naisson
First some general stuff.
1. Kurt Vonnegut's rules of writing seem to be written specially for you! Check them out here http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9251
In particular, this story started a bit too early (Rule 5) -- I think it could easily have begun with "My submissive hates the whip I have now" followed by a shortened description of what's wrong with it. While you are at it, you could make some of the description of the lousy whip come from quoting the sub herself, allowing her to reveal her character (Rule 4) and waste less of the reader's time (Rule 1).
2. Proofread your work yourself a couple of times. There are errors here that I think you would catch, with or without a checker. Examples:
Is it one whip, or many? Just one? Then you mean "I knew this would hurt...". Especially since you continue in the same sentence referring to it as "it".Quote:
She tried hard not to look at the nasty single tail whip. I knew these would hurt like hell and I was not confident enough to be able to wield it.
3. On a different level, the second part of the above paragraph is subtly wrong. You've joined "I knew these would hurt like hell" (sub's fear) with "I was not confident enough to be able to wield it" (Dom's fear). But the paragraph was about the sub's fear. So adding in a short note about the Dom's fear is an aside, not a continuation, of that idea. You need to mark it as an aside, or the reader gets confused, or thinks you're confused.
For example you could write:
I have been trying to think of a general rule you can use for this, and all I can think of is, when switching viewpoints within a paragraph, decide who the paragraph is about and stick to it. Other viewpoints should be marked as agreeing or disagreeing, supporting or opposing or to one side.Quote:
She tried hard not to look at the nasty single-tailed whip, and I knew why; I knew this one would hurt like hell. Besides, I wasn't confident I could wield it.
[edited to add:] Strunk and white, bless their hearts, have a rule for this! http://www.bartleby.com/141/strunk5.html see number 10. It's perfect.
4. And an English note: In general, if you find yourself using an awkward construction like "to be able to", it's pretty much always best to reword and shorten. [Strunk & White Rule 13: http://www.bartleby.com/141/strunk5.html ) And in first person narration, contractions like "wasn't" sound smoother than long forms like "was not".
5. Lastly, about the story: you left a nice setup hanging unresolved. As Vonnegut says, (Rule 3) everyone should want something. The shop owner wants
a) to not have a mess in his back room, and maybe also
b) to watch your sub getting whipped.
So why isn't he watching? Furthermore, why is the sub allowed to come without a caution about making a mess, and without being forced to clean up after herself?
The setup for all these very nice bits is there, you just didn't take advantage of them. By the "Chekhov's gun" rule ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chekhov%27s_gun ) the setup (don't make a mess) should be used, or deleted.
Now what does the Dom want in this story, and what does the sub want? Answer these in the story and it gets more interesting too...
I hope these tips help! I think it's a good little story and could benefit from some of this type of editing...
As always thanks a ton :) I will re read and edit it. Maybe I can get it to work better this time around. I have found a few things on my own and edited them already, but outside critics always work better for me :)
Ok - and here's some more things to check out:.
Very nice. I like the tone in which you started the story. The minimallistic approach – with ONE purpose only - allows the redundancy in descriptions.
You have some unusal sentence structures. It is not necesarly bad, but please be aware of it.
Since the story is all about whips, you could pay more attention to whips – especially the short one. On the other hand, I like the opening. You give the motivation in the first sentence, set the tone and start telling us about THE whip.
The absurdity of the first whip could be matched by by something in the second part of the story - but, then, maybe it is.
And, yes, I agree that a story from a mosquito point of view is a great idea.
Quote:
I really need to get a better whip. I mean I bought it years ago, together with a small selection of other toys and it is plain cheap. I love the riding crop and the paddle that I bought at the same time but this whip is just useless.
Someone wrapped leather around a wooden stick, twice and then fastened it with a couple of nails to the handle. Next they cut from the end to the handle straight lines. At least that’s how it looks. The strips are not wide, have sharp edges and just no weight to them. Whipping needs some weight in the instrument. (you need some weight in the whip…. Or similar)
I remember reading about a discussion for the ideal whip. A leaden string would make the perfect one, as it is flexible as a string but heavy like lead, which of course is all just semantics. Leather comes close to this ideal, so it has to be a better one.
(never heard of it – I’ll have to take your word for it.)
My submissive hates that whip. I can’t blame her. So we set off to buy a new one. Since it will be used on her, I let her pick it out. That is only fair I think.
The shop is one of those classic sleazy ones. Whoever opened most of them just wanted the privacy and darkness, so they all have the same appeal of a wet hole in the wall. As long as they had what I wanted, that did not bother me, but it still bothered her.
"Please let’s order it online", she pleaded with me. (no need for this)
"No. The one we have is from an online shop and look how bad it is. I want to try it before I buy another one."
That shut her up. She did not think I would try it on her right there in the store, now she would be convinced of it.
Most stores of this nature are small, iIt's just not a big box business. In this case it was shaped with one section going further into the back and the darker areas. Fortunately that was where the whips were hanging on different pegs. (that is surplus word) [/COLOR]
I grabbed one, especially vicious looking and saw her tremble in fear.
"Do you have something to say, slut?"
She knew now (now knew) what she was in for. Slowly and carefully she knelt down. She was nervous but she knew better than to forget her training.
"I beg you; please select another whip, master."
Her head hung low, her face was flushed. She tried hard not to look at the nasty single tail whip. I knew these would hurt like hell and I was not confident enough to be able to wield it.
Slowly I put it back and picked up another one. This one had long strands, each one separately braided. [COLOR="Red"] The price tag was steep (the price on the tag was steep) but [COLOR="Red"] this (it) would do just fine.
I held the strong whip handle down to her lips. She looked at it, still fearful, but she knew (knowing) I would leave the choice to her, at least for the instrument of her torture. The application of it would be entirely up to me.
She bent forward and kissed its handle. The choice was made.
The whip was not very long. If I put it on my belt by the loop at its handle, it would not reach the floor. Each stroke with it would be deliberate, precise and painful.
Having not received a good whipping in a while, she was craving it by now. The other whip just did not cut it and would be disposed off once we were home. Never get rid of your old whip until you have a new one was my motto with this, otherwise she might think I would not whip her at all.
"Get up," I commanded her and she followed me to the till. (did you mean ‘counter’?)
"I'd like to test this whip here on my slut; do you have a quite (quiet) place where I could see if it works for me?"
She looked nervously from me to the man behind the counter. He was younger, bored but not stupid looking.
"Sure," he said. "Just through the curtain there we got some furniture on display. Please don't make a mess or I have to clean it up."
"You hear that, slut? No mess, understood?"
"Yes master," she spoke softly behind me.
The room was nothing special. It looked like an oversized changing room. The furniture only consisted of a rack, a cross (what kind of cross? St Andrews?) and two benches. Enough room to swing a whip though.
Shops with larger equpement and ‘testing rooms’ are not found on every corner. You could just mention that you know the owner, or that you found it on the internet, or, even better, that you had her find it. )
"Kneel over the bench here, pull your skirt up, your panties down and spread your legs. Wider."
She obediently did as told. Small corrections on her behavior always turned her on (even) more.
With care I ran my fingers over her smooth butt. I have never been an ass man, but I can see the attraction to that smooth, round surface. The softness of a woman's behind has a certain attraction (appeal? Would be better) but it also makes a formidable target for all sorts of games.
"Fold your fingers behind your neck, slut."
"Yes master."
Her breathing became heavier; she was dreading and enjoying this just as I did. The little(why little?) rush her submission gave me, the promise of the whipping to come, her twitching and moaning to the dance of the leather on her well shaped globes was creating quite a stir in between my legs. I had to adjust myself a [COLOR="Red"] little before I could continue.
"Do you think it was fair of me to let you chose with what you will be whipped in the future?" (what you will be whipped with would sound better in the spoken sentence.)
"Yes Master, that was very kind of you."
"So it is just as fair, since you selected the implement that I get to chose whenever I wish to use it on you. (I get to chose when I wish to use it on you OR I will chose when I use it on you) What do you think?"
"I think that is fair, Master."
Talking about it made her butt wriggle a little. She was not conscious of it, I knew, but she (still) did it none the less when she got really aroused. I decided that it's time to fan the flames.
The whip handled great. It swung through the air nicely and made a distinct sound. It sounded strong and painful, not weak and puny like the old one. Rotating (flipping? Swinging? – it is not clear what’s he doing.) it a few times in the air, to feel its weight right, I noticed a mosquito had found a nice resting place right on my submissive ass.
(If I was in a REALLY nit picking mood I could ask what’s the mosquito doing on your submissive ass but I will not.)
With a flick of my wrist I swung the strands and hit her right across her cheeks, squishing the mosquito in the process. It had a nice resting place on the right cheek of my slut kneeling on the floor. I flicked it off and continued to apply the whip liberally, if not as hard as the first time.
"Which whip hurts more, slut, this one or the old?"
"This one hurts a lot more master if you hit me hard. But it also hurts a lot less when you brush my skin softly with it."
"So you prefer this one then I presume?"
"I prefer whatever brings you the most pleasure in using on me master."
I smiled. She was learning how to speak as a good submissive rather quickly. Some don't like this sort of behavior, for me this was a large turn on. It was for her as well. I could smell her sex in the small room.
"You are very wet, slut. You seem to enjoy the whipping a lot."
She blushed again deeply.
"Yes master."
"Would you like to cum slut?"
"Yes master, please let your slut come for you."
I sat on the bench beside her and lightly brushed her swollen pussy with my finger tips. I had hit her a couple times right on it and some red marks were visible. Whenever she got really excited it would swell up a bit like now, pushing her over the edge was easy and very amusing.
She kept her position; she knew not to break it without my command.
Finding her clit was easy, it stuck out like a small pole (um, it sounds exaggerated or is it an ‘inside’ joke? Consider finding another comparison) to the point of, hard and engorged. It wanted to be touched and I obliged.
Moans escaped her throat, from deep inside her. She curled her toes up and towards each other. A light shake went crept over her body as I kept stroking her clit. My fingers stroked (went through ? stroked)) through (went through ? stroked) her pussy again before returning to her sensitive spot. She would reach her climax very soon.
"You have permission to cum for me, slut."
"Thank you, master," she breathed heavily.
A small pinch on her clit [COLOR="Red"] (finally) pushed her over the edge [COLOR="Red"] finally[COLOR="Red"], and she came with a deep moan, her thighs shaking, her fingers digging into each other, muscles pumping and her pussy pulsing against my hand. (too much run ons – consider breaking it in two sentences) It was a wonderful sight that I tried to enjoy as often as I could.
Not giving her much time to recover, I pulled her back making her kneel on the hard linoleum floor.
"Open your mouth, slut."
Quickly she opened her mouth wide, sticking her tongue out. It did not take me long to free my hard-on from my pants and push it into her mouth. She licked expertly along its sides. She put (paid) some special attention to licking along the vein on the underside of it, as she knew this drove me wild. I kept back, and she sucked on the tip of my cock, like it was the [COLOR="Red"] (source of) very air she needed to breathe.
My slut is a very greedy cocksucker. And she is also an expert at it. I could not keep back any longer, (Start a new sentence here. ) grabbed her hair and started fucking her face. She kept her fingers behind her neck, even when she was (while) gagging. Her tongue was flicking fast over my member, while I used her mouth for my pleasure. She enjoyed this part almost as much as when I used her other holes.
With a few more thrusts, I released myself into her mouth, while she kept bobbing her head on my cock.
Greedily she licked every bit of sperm from my cock.
"I think we found the perfect whip for you slut."
"Yes Master."
Life is currently interfering a bit with my hobby here. I was able to scribble some new stuff up, but I can't find an hour or so, of peace and quiet to rework it. As soon as possible, I will do this rework though. Sorry about this long delay. Life is what happens while you are making plans.
Thank you for the update.
Liam, I know EXACTLY what you mean about life interfering....:eek:
Take your time.
Please note: some of the comments open up completely new avenues of exploration in our story. While you are welcome to do so the first goal is to make THIS story tick. It is close and it should not take much time.
What I have written is something totally different. I can scrounge a few minutes here and there on a laptop, but for a rework, I always need some time and a quiet place. I need to read it, re read it, examine your input, maybe read something that is related to that, try to learn from it then try to come up with a good change to make it work better. I know it isn't too much to do, but quiet time is something rare currently. Hopefully this week. I am eager to learn more :)
Yes, rereading your own work and even letting it cool off for few days is a good approach. Good luck.
Ok, here some babble of my work on it. Ignore if you don't care about my train of thought :)
The mosquito-perspective idea was crazy but I am surprised at how well it is taken in. Might be interesting but also hard to talk with. The assumption would have to be the insect has human sight and knows a vocabulary as well as the human anatomy. Maybe some other time :)
The guy in the shop needs some 'flesh'. Added some about him, his motivation is reading his magazine, otherwise he is bored.
Painted the whip a bit more in detail, pulled a couple of stray bits about it together.
He asked her if its fair, she says yes. Then he asks what she thinks and she says again its fair, not good. Removing that second respond fixes it.
Many small fixes in the structures. Too many words in some sentences, too much run on.
Done with pejanon's input, story is now 1780 words, original was 1681. Why do they always grow so easy when I revise them?
Reading clevernick's critique always makes me feel a bit inadequate for this kind of work. It's overwhelming, but in a good way. Just reading the links he gave me have improved the general writing I am doing already, my editors for my day job writing have commented on it even. It's almost embarrassing that I've been getting paid to write in English.
Shortened the beginning. It reads a lot better all of a sudden.
To apply more of this, I would need to completely trash most of what I wrote. I went through and liberated some parts, ripped paragraphs apart and removed some ugly bits, rewriting others.
It reads smoother and more solid, connected, now.
The "no mess" bit is gone, since I did not explore it and have no intention to at this point, it's deleted.
1743 words now. Time to post it.
Quote:
My submissive hates the whip I own. I can't blame her; it's a very cheap one. She complains that it cuts her skin even when I whip her lightly. The strands look like they have been cut by a machine from a solid piece of leather. Each one has sharp edges and is so light that she says they don't hurt very much even if I whip her hard. Can't have that now, can I?
So we set off to buy something better. Since it will be used on her, I let her pick it out. That is only fair I think.
The shop is one of those classic sleazy ones. Whoever opened most of them just wanted the privacy and darkness, so they all have the same appeal of a wet hole in the wall. As long as they had what I wanted, that did not bother me, but it still bothered her.
One young guy, looking like a piercer had used him for some experiments on one side of his head, stood behind the counter. He leafed through a thin magazine which looked like he had read it about a thousand times already. Clearly he was bored out of his skull but us passing by was only worth a bored flick of his eyes before they were riveted to his magazine again.
"Please let's order it online", she pleaded.
"No. The one we have is from an online shop and look how bad it is. I want to try it before I buy another one."
That shut her up. She did not think I would try it on her right there in the store, now she would be convinced of it.
Most stores of this nature are small; it's just not a big box business. In this case it was shaped with one section going further into the back and the darker areas. Fortunately that was where the whips were hanging on pegs.
I grabbed one, especially vicious looking and saw her tremble in fear.
"Do you have something to say, slut?"
Now she knew what she was in for. Slowly and carefully she knelt down. She was nervous but she knew better than to forget her training.
"I beg you; please select another whip, master."
Her head hung low, her face was flushed. She tried hard not to look at the nasty single-tailed whip, and I knew why; this one would hurt like hell.
Besides, I wasn't confident I could wield it with the skill needed to not hurt her too bad.
Slowly I put it back and picked up another one. This one had medium long strands, each one separately braided. The whole whip looked like it was made of one large braid, the strands coming out of the handle in a smooth transition. If I put it on my belt by the loop at its handle, it would not reach the floor. Each stroke with it would be deliberate, precise and painful. Its weight felt good in my hand. Where my old whip felt like it was made some kid worker in twenty seconds, this one felt like a master workman had spent a few days on it at least.
The price tag was steep but the whip was just too good to pass up.
I held the strong whip handle down to her lips. She looked at it, still fearful. I would leave the choice to her, at least for the instrument of her torture. The application of it would be entirely up to me.
She bent forward and kissed its handle. The choice was made.
Having not received a good whipping in a while, she was craving it by now. The other whip just did not cut it and would be disposed off once we were home. Never get rid of your old whip until you have a new one was my motto. With no whip handy, she might think I would not whip her at all.
"Get up," I commanded her and she followed me to the counter.
"I'd like to test this whip here on my slut; do you have a quite place where I could see if it works for me?"
I had her find the place we would buy the whip at. So we already knew there was a room in the back where they showed some larger equipment.
She looked nervously from me to the guy behind the counter. He glanced up from his magazine, slightly annoyed at the interruption.
"Just through the curtain there we got some furniture on display."
"Thanks."
His eyes went back to the magazine.
The room was nothing special. It looked like an oversized changing room. The furniture only consisted of a rack, a St. Andrews cross and two benches. Enough room to swing a whip though.
"Kneel over the bench here, pull your skirt up, your panties down and spread your legs. Wider."
She obediently did as told. Small corrections on her behavior always turned her on even more.
With care I ran my fingers over her smooth butt. I have never been an ass man, but I can see the attraction to that smooth round surface. The softness of a woman's behind has a certain attraction but it also makes a formidable target for all sorts of games.
"Fold your fingers behind your neck, slut."
"Yes master."
Her breathing became heavier; she was dreading and enjoying this just as I did. The little rush her submission gave me, the promise of the whipping to come.
Her twitching and moaning to the dance of the leather on her well shaped globes was creating quite a stir between my legs. I had to adjust myself a little before I could continue.
"Do you think it was fair of me to let you chose what you will be whipped with in the future?"
"Yes Master, that was very kind of you."
"You selected the implement. I chose when and how to use it on you. "
Talking about it made her butt wriggle a little. She was not conscious of it, I knew, but she still did it when she got really aroused.
I decided that it's time to fan the flames.
The whip handled great. It swung through the air nicely and made a distinct sound. It sounded strong and painful, not weak and puny like the old one. Swinging it a few times in the air, to feel its weight, I noticed a mosquito had snuck through the curtain. It found a nice resting place right on my submissive ass. There were a few outside but it was the first I had seen in the store.
With a flick of my wrist I swung the strands and hit her right across her cheeks, squishing the mosquito in the process. I flicked it off and continued to apply the whip liberally, if not as hard as the first time.
"Which whip hurts more, slut, this one or the old?"
"This one hurts a lot more master if you hit me hard. But it also hurts a lot less when you brush my skin softly with it."
"So you prefer this one I presume?"
"I prefer whatever brings you the most pleasure in using on me master."
I smiled. She was learning how to speak as a good submissive rather quickly. Some don't like this sort of behavior, for me this was a large turn on. It was for her as well. I could smell her sex in the small room.
"You are very wet, slut. You seem to enjoy the whipping a lot."
She blushed again deeply.
I enjoyed watching her when I whipped her but even more after, when she reacted to it.
I could see she liked the whip too, although she was scared of it how much it could possibly hurt her.
"Yes master."
"Would you like to cum slut?"
"Yes master, please let your slut come for you."
I sat on the bench beside her and lightly brushed her swollen pussy with my finger tips. I had hit her a couple times right on it and some red marks were visible. Whenever she got really excited it would swell up a bit like now, pushing her over the edge was easy and very amusing.
She kept her position; she knew not to break it without my command.
Finding her clit was easy. It was hard and engorged. It wanted to be touched and I obliged.
Moans escaped her throat, from deep inside her. She curled her toes up and towards each other. A light shake crept over her body as I kept stroking her clit. My fingers stroked her pussy again before returning to her sensitive spot. She would reach her climax very soon.
"You have permission to cum for me, slut."
"Thank you master," she breathed heavily.
A small pinch on her clit pushed her over the edge, and she came with a deep moan, her thighs shaking. Her fingers dug into each other, muscles pumping and her pussy was pulsing against my hand.
It was a wonderful sight that I tried to enjoy as often as I could.
Not giving her much time to recover, I pulled her back making her kneel on the hard linoleum floor.
"Open your mouth, slut."
Quickly she opened her mouth wide, sticking her tongue out. It did not take me long to free my hard-on from my pants and push it into her mouth. She licked expertly along its sides. She paid some special attention to licking along the vein on the underside of it, which she knew would drive me wild. I kept back, and she sucked on the tip of my cock, like her life depended on it.
My slut is a very greedy cocksucker. And she is also an expert at it. I could not keep back any longer. Grabbing her hair I started fucking her face. She kept her fingers behind her neck, even while she was gagging. Her tongue was flicking fast over my member, while I used her mouth for my pleasure. She enjoyed this part almost as much as when I used her other holes.
With a few more thrusts, I released myself into her mouth, while she kept bobbing her head on my cock.
Greedily she licked every bit of sperm from my cock.
"I think we found the perfect whip for you, slut."
"Yes Master."
A storytelling mosquito isn't so weird an idea as you might think. There are stories told from the viewpoint of animals and even inanimate objects (like a teapot or even a 100$ bill.) It is one of the oldest storytelling devices: A Fable.
You could adopt a third person descriptive mode or actually use a blood sucking mosquito as a commentator/narrator which, I'm sure, would have something witty or wise to say about the world. You would not have to worry about an insect having 'human sight and a vocabulary as well as the human anatomy’, unless you wanted to write a SF story.
Two reasons I know of: a) Because they are bad and we try to fix them by building up, patching, explaining, doing a new, thick, paint job on a cracked wall, instead of going back to the foundations. b) Because they are good and we feel there is always something more to say and yet another detail to refine.Quote:
Done with pejanon's input, story is now 1780 words, original was 1681. Why do they always grow so easy when I revise them?
Your story is the second type. Yes, now it is both sleek and solid with no important loose ends. This is the ‘encapsulated universe’ story. The universe exists only to provide a plausible stage for the story and any hints that other things exist would be just a distraction, or lead to an entirely different story. No, it is not perfect but you are aware of it and that is important.
Well, there is a third reason why they grow: we like to babble.
Speaking of babbling, mosquitoes and whips… check out your next chalenge.:)