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This is to all of you who have low self-esteem and a lingering feeling of worthlessness.
What do you do to get you out of it? What could someone else do to help. Specifically your Master?
My sweet little wonderful slave is having a bad period right now, and I'm running out of ideas to put more sunshine on her life. Maybe I'm trying too hard? Maybe.
Any ideas? The assumption is that whatever works for you might work on her. At least its my hope. So please enlighten me.
I go through those periods quite a bit, in fact I am going through one right now.
It's difficult to pull yourself out of it, at least I know that it is for me.
I don't have any friends to talk to and I deal with it by myself as best as possible. Time and maturity has also helped me deal with it better.
I don't tell my Master, I don't want him to know that I can be weak and not in control.
I don't even know what he could do though to help, just knowing he is there makes me feel good. If he tried to help out, it just wouldn't work, he can do all he can to keep my spirits up, and I try to get him to give me daily routine tasks and that helps out for me.
For me it's not just the fact that someone can tell me I mean something and I am important, or try to lift up my spirits. It's inevitably up to me to change my thinking habits.
It's hard to do though because once you get into that mindset, it takes a bit of work to move on from it.
I have OCD so I use CBT to change my thinking. I know that everyone is different so what works for me, may not work for another, but CBT does work for everyone. You can even incorporate it into a daily routine without making it seem like a huge change.
Here are some of the things that I do to get a better control over my thoughts.
I exercise, (not enough) but I try to get out and get some fresh air by walking, swimming, kyaking.
Eating right and at the right times, keeps me in check.
I keep busy by cleaning and rearranging my apartment.
When I feel particularly low, I write out my thoughts, why I feel this way, what is making me feel this way and the reasons I shouldn't feel this way.
I systematically work through my thoughts by writing them out and finding ways to feel a bit better.
Surprisingly, colour helps me quite a bit. By buying a few items that are bright and colourful, cheers me up.
Having bright flowers placed around the apartment, cheers me up as well.
I don't know why, but having something bright to look at makes me feel better.
Tom, for me when I get into one of those phases I do things that make me happy. During the summer swimming is a big deal to me because it gets me out and enjoying something that I enjoy doing. Also bike riding is something that I enjoy. During the winter months it is reading a book or going some place that just makes me happy. It is difficult sometimes because when I get really low I don't want to do anything but a reaction requires a action to get out of it.
Maybe taking her out to a nice restruant or buying her a new outfit or taking her some place that you haven't before. You could get her a sketch book and some paints and let her express herself that way.
Hope this helps.
Well, this package usually works.... I've done it recently but to no avail. We also have a huge bunch of roses here. My bag of tricks is running outQuote:
Originally Posted by Reignslilslave
Have you thought about maybe allowing her to get professional help if it is bad enough?
Similar bouts of depression strike me periodically as well. Although I know in my head they are nothing more than chemical fluctuations in my body, that never makes a person feel better at the time. So, like Cadence, I try to do things for myself like run with the dog or take my camera to the park - anything to get me out.
Although I do appreciate roses or dinner, if I'm in a funk sometimes things like that are actually counterproductive for me. The flowers show up and I think, "oh great, I'm so obviously depressing that I've worried Master into buying me things." I start to feel like I am being pitied, and actually withdraw further into myself in an effort to make him feel like he's helping.
In truth, the greatest help he can provide is to have me do something for him - something, however small, that I can accomplish and that he can then hold me and tell me I've done a good job. I feel worth that way, not pity. If you want to take her out for dinner, great, but make it a task for her to look a certain way or do something for you and praise that. (We're subbies, when it's all about us that weirds us out a little! ;) )
One other thing that works for me, though I've never really heard it talked about on the forums in this capacity, is for J to take me as close to "sub space" as he can get me. It's not overtly sexual, he'll simply hold me and talk while running the flog up and down my back, alternating from strokng to actual flogging. Emotions like what your slave is going through run pretty deep and, in my case, focusing on Master's voice and on the pain of the flog etc. take me down to where I can find those emotions. We rarely ever have sex during a session like that, what ends up happening is all of the emotions that are buried in me come up, I have a really good cry and he holds me. I feel SO MUCH BETTER afterwards.
Hope some of this helps, Tom. Good luck!
I guess I am most like Amber. I can twist any gesture made to make me feel better into a form of pity and make myself feel even worse.Quote:
Although I do appreciate roses or dinner, if I'm in a funk sometimes things like that are actually counterproductive for me. The flowers show up and I think, "oh great, I'm so obviously depressing that I've worried Master into buying me things." I start to feel like I am being pitied, and actually withdraw further into myself in an effort to make him feel like he's helping.
I live to be told I'm a "good girl". I can sabotage these tasks too, but earning that response from my Master makes me melt and simmer with pleasure.Quote:
In truth, the greatest help he can provide is to have me do something for him - something, however small, that I can accomplish and that he can then hold me and tell me I've done a good job. I feel worth that way, not pity. If you want to take her out for dinner, great, but make it a task for her to look a certain way or do something for you and praise that. (We're subbies, when it's all about us that weirds us out a little! )
I have never had a r/l Master but I think what Amber describes here would work for me too.Quote:
One other thing that works for me, though I've never really heard it talked about on the forums in this capacity, is for J to take me as close to "sub space" as he can get me. It's not overtly sexual, he'll simply hold me and talk while running the flog up and down my back, alternating from strokng to actual flogging. Emotions like what your slave is going through run pretty deep and, in my case, focusing on Master's voice and on the pain of the flog etc. take me down to where I can find those emotions. We rarely ever have sex during a session like that, what ends up happening is all of the emotions that are buried in me come up, I have a really good cry and he holds me. I feel SO MUCH BETTER afterwards.
HHHHmmmm........what works for me???
What i need to feel.....is submission..
I need to fight....mentally and physically until i no longer have the strength to fight back anymore....I need to be held... taken. I need to submit. There is a physical and mental release of pressure, a reconnection to my "basic self".
But that being said you still need to find the root of what your slave is feeling worthless about. Have you asked??? Are the problems external to your personal relationship?
i have some problems with both anxiety and depression, and for me, i found that doing Taoist Tai Chi works wonders.
Taoist Tai Chi, just so we are clear, is the form of Tai Chi that is a form of meditation, and the martial arts moves that are derived from the actual Tai Chi fighting style are done in slow motion, and are more exaggerated and extended.
i personally prefer it to other forms of meditation because it is "meditation in movement." (as it is actually often called) i tend to be a little fidgety by nature, so sitting in one place for long extended periods of time without moving at all is hell for me. (Well, okay, i would do it if a Dom told me too, obviously.)
But i tried Taoist Tai Chi and i loved it..i really do forget about everything else while doing it and that is hard for me. And it does genuinely make me feel good.
i highly recommend it to almost anyone. :)
I agree with Amber and claire, I need to feel as if I am not being a burden, dinner and flowers can compound the feeling of worthlessness and make her feel as if she is more of a burden than anything else...remember...she wants to make you happy not to make you worry.
When I get in a funk, I feel as if I can do nothing right, I need to remember what I can do right and the things that I usually feel good about doing...my suggestion...make it as discrete as you possibly can, but have her do things that you know make her feel good, simple things that you know there is no chance that they will leave her frustrated, things that you know she will succeed at...even if for only a brief moment, that smile on her face will begin to spread again.
If in time things don't get back to normal, then you both should seriously consider some professional help, there is no shame in that, in fact only the strongest are strong enough to seek help when they really need it.
Best of luck to you both.
Tom, the others have all answered so well, but I couldn't not comment.
Your posting of this thread shows how much you care for her - writing things down helps me, even if no one is ever going to read what I have written. Handwriting not on the pc and then burning the piece of paper and watching the wind take the embers away.
I don't know your slave - but with you by her side - you will both come through this
love and ~hugs~ minxy xx
Tom its allways hard to get out of the place where we feel down and sad, sometimes all you can do to help your girl is to simply "be" there for her, hold her, support her listen to her, based of what i know of yu through the forums id say yu allready do that
not too long ago when i was having problems, my husband/dom sugested that i start dancing again, (the premis was i would be doing it for him, so i could dance for him, as he had never seen me dance before--so in a way it was also a bdsm type task) it had been years since i had done it and it was something that let me focus on something other than myself so to speak,, eventually though as i got back in the "saddle" , took some classess trainned for that day when i could do it in front of him and started to do well at the dancing, i realized i was stronger than i thought , a feeling of self accomplishment started to build back up in me, it was a big self esteem boost,
i dont know all the paticulars about you and your girls life, but perhaps there is some motivating task and or activity that you could give her to focus on to build her back up
hope this might help ya some, my prayers for you and her
When I find myself drowning in one of those waves of depression, the best thing to pull me out of it is a heavy bodily task, like chipping a huge pile of wood or climbing a mountain, one that has me completely exhausted in the evening. Waking up in the morning, being sore all over but seeing all the accomplished work gives me a unique, earthy kind of satisfaction that can break through almost every depression.
i can only go by how i feel but sometimes the 'trying' can actually make things worse no matter how well meant.Quote:
Originally Posted by TomOfSweden
if like me you have very low self-esteem you tend to feel that people are taking the p**s if they are nice to you or compliment you or that they are just being nice because they feel they should or even that there's a hidden motive behind it.
Icehawk sometimes gets offended or a bit annoyed with me because as he sees it if HE thinks i have a lovely body, im good, pretty, have behaved well etc then that should make me happy and i should trust him,which i know is true but it's not always that clear cut and also it is an insult to him that i dont believe him, i can see why he feels that way (because basically im calling him a liar) but all that does is make me feel more worthless than i already do...because now im failing in that area too.
im not of any help sorry, im just trying to explain how it can be from the other side so to speak,im not your girl so i dont know how she feels and how long it's likely to last.
is she generally a confident girl?it something she struggles with regularly? or is it something new to her? maybe if it's something she's never had a problem with before then plenty of reassurance and support will help..what is her low self-esteem about? herself,her looks? her body,her submissiveness? or everything? or is something in her life going badly right now?
having low or no self-esteem can be many different things for many different people and can come about for many different reasons,and until you and she knows exactly what it is she feels that is so bad about herself and she can start to work it out for herself then im sorry for being so pessimistic but i doubt there's an awful lot you can do about it. though as i said i can only go by what i know is true for me.
one thing that probably will be good for her is to keep things as usual rather than letting anything slide,even if that is difficult at times. more than ever right now she will need routines,direction and something to focus upon.if she loses that then she will lose much of what she strives for, and for somebody with no esteem or confidence they need goals...something they can achieve.
Tom, i go through that also. i try not to let my Master know but like downtown amber, if i just get into my sub mindset my emotions seem to come out and then i have a good cry. Then a good nap. After that all is well again. Good luck to You!
as much as i don't want to even move when i'm depressed, going outside, going for a walk, even just sitting outside and breathing - getting out of the house and out of my dark environment can be a turning point.
it's hard for me to accept a lot of attention when i'm depressed. (i was in a long depression and am now recently feeling much better) i want to be invisible. so writing down what i'm thinking - again, as tired as that made me feel - helped clarify things.
i liked the suggestions related to submission. the structure, the idea of having to do something because He asked me to, the focus on something outside myself sounds like something that would have lifted the heaviness.
take care.
If your sub is depressed, then you should seek medical help for her. There are anti depressent drugs that, wisely prescribed, will help. Being depressed is no fun, and there are ways to help.Quote:
Originally Posted by TomOfSweden
As for self worth: being a dom is hard work and you would not do it unless she was worth it!
Depression. It eats away at people.
As a submissive, I’ve come to realize that my nature translates into every area of my life. If I am unhappy, it is for a reason. Namely, that I lack purpose.
Going through a hard time for me, means that I am uncertain of what I am doing. It’s often worst when I am afraid for the future or unaware of what I am supposed to do.
Sometimes distraction techniques work. Submissives often need to be taken out of their self-pity. You might love her, but you might also be doing a disservice to her by trying so hard.
I feel most content when working for an achieving a goal. Maybe set her some goals. Give her something to live for. Being strict can be just as compassionate as being compassionate.
That’s just my opinion.