Suspension of disbelief

I'm looking for advice about something that has become an issue for me as a submissive.

When I'm being submissive, I want to feel that the scene is real and not just acting. Specifically, I want scary things to happen and I want them to actually scare me. In scenes I've been in with various partners, I have felt this was, even knowing that the person I was with was a trusted friend and wouldn't actually do anything to harm me -- there's that little seed of doubt that comes up when you're totally helpless. For me that is a huge part of what I seek in BDSM.

The problem is that after 4 years with my husband, loving and trusting him more than anyone else in the world, I don't feel that way when I'm with him. I know his light side and I know his dark side, and I know that he is motivated more by the desire to protect and comfort me than anything else in life. Which is, of course, a pretty awesome thing to have in a relationship. :) But it presents a problem when you are looking for what my friends and I call "the scary-sexy." It is really hard to believe in the scene.

Has anyone else encountered this situation, and what do you do about it?

Time to tell him... and have him change up.

Maybe he has fantasies, old or new, that he really hasn't explored. Things that, though you might know you're safe, might push at your boundaries and be, in fact, a little scarey.

What about your "firm" limits (hard but not quite in concrete) that maybe it's time to explore... the ones that scare you to admit you just might like to try.

Just a couple of thoughts on how to approach the problem.

I agree with Oz. It's time to review your limits and see what can be pushed. Maybe you could work on something that has been a phobia of sorts. For me, it would be paddles.

Bondage and...um...bugs....would be pretty scary! *ggls*

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Originally Posted by Hime

I'm looking for advice about something that has become an issue for me as a submissive.

When I'm being submissive, I want to feel that the scene is real and not just acting. Specifically, I want scary things to happen and I want them to actually scare me. In scenes I've been in with various partners, I have felt this was, even knowing that the person I was with was a trusted friend and wouldn't actually do anything to harm me -- there's that little seed of doubt that comes up when you're totally helpless. For me that is a huge part of what I seek in BDSM.

The problem is that after 4 years with my husband, loving and trusting him more than anyone else in the world, I don't feel that way when I'm with him. I know his light side and I know his dark side, and I know that he is motivated more by the desire to protect and comfort me than anything else in life. Which is, of course, a pretty awesome thing to have in a relationship. :) But it presents a problem when you are looking for what my friends and I call "the scary-sexy." It is really hard to believe in the scene.

Has anyone else encountered this situation, and what do you do about it?

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Describe 3 sexy-scary scenes to your master that would turn you on. Act 'em out. From that he should be able to create 5 sexy scary scenes to spring on you. If you run out of ideas after 8 sexy-scary scenes, ask again here!
Hint: I would think a scary thing would for him to suddenly start acting "out of character." That might float your boat.