Confusion about my role...

When I first met my husband he told me about the BDSM lifestyle. He said that he's always wanted to have that kind of relationship but his others wives first said they would then changed their minds. It took me awhile to learn all I could and so we started out slow. Well I've gotten to the point where I just completely gave myself to him and now he's acting like he has no idea what he's doing. He expects me to come to him to get things started and if I don't then he gets upset but I can't read his mind. Isn't he the one who's supposed to tell me what he wants? I am so ready willing and able and he's pulling a way like an insecure teenager. He's always telling me what a dominate personality he has but he doesn't dominate anything. I have to tell him what I want and what I'd like for him to do to me. I'm about to go crazy. Just recently we had three whole days to ourselves with no kids (mine from a previous marriage) and all he wanted to do was spend time watching TV and going for a romantic ride. Now he's saying that I'm pulling away from him but I'm not. I'm just waiting for him to take the lead. Isn't that his job/role? The most excitement I have is eating ice cream right out of the container. I'm very frustrated and bored and hurt. What do I do? :confused::mad:

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Originally Posted by geossub

When I first met my husband he told me about the BDSM lifestyle. He said that he's always wanted to have that kind of relationship but his others wives first said they would then changed their minds. It took me awhile to learn all I could and so we started out slow. Well I've gotten to the point where I just completely gave myself to him and now he's acting like he has no idea what he's doing. He expects me to come to him to get things started and if I don't then he gets upset but I can't read his mind. Isn't he the one who's supposed to tell me what he wants? I am so ready willing and able and he's pulling a way like an insecure teenager. He's always telling me what a dominate personality he has but he doesn't dominate anything. I have to tell him what I want and what I'd like for him to do to me. I'm about to go crazy. Just recently we had three whole days to ourselves with no kids (mine from a previous marriage) and all he wanted to do was spend time watching TV and going for a romantic ride. Now he's saying that I'm pulling away from him but I'm not. I'm just waiting for him to take the lead. Isn't that his job/role? The most excitement I have is eating ice cream right out of the container. I'm very frustrated and bored and hurt. What do I do? :confused::mad:

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I had a *similar* experience and I know how you feel. :(

It's very frustrating. :( *Sad.*

Sadly, having is often not as good as wanting. Your husband fantasized that domination meant that he could do whatever, whenever, and that life would be a playground full of exciting sex without effort or consequence. It's never that simple. There is a little secret hidden away in the background that isn’t always obvious to the casual observer. That secret is that dominant isn’t actually the one in charge….

Your husband has discovered that it takes a great deal of effort to control and satisfy a true submissive. Think about it … he has to decide when to set things up for playtime; he has to arrange to have all the toys present; he has to plan or at least improvise the what’s going to happen; he has to stay in role during the entire session and there’s more. It’s an intense and demanding task, being a dominant. He has to create the entire scenario and then play it out for the submissive every time. Compare that to what the submissive has to do.

The submissive has only to give up control of her body and allow her mind to become one with the moment. She lets the experience come to her. She is the one being dominated. She doesn’t have to actually do anything! In a healthy relationship, she even has the ultimate power of saying stop when things get to be too intense. It’s up to the dominant to watch her reactions closely so as to bring her to the desired emotional state. He really can’t abandon himself completely as the submissive does. By definition, he has to dominate his own emotions even more than he does the submissive’s. He has to remain in control.

Many beginner Doms find that they ultimately come up short of that sort of responsibility, management skills, and showmanship once the giddy thrill of making the first whip strike fades. It gets to be more work than thrill, more trouble than it’s worth. We’re not talking about a brute that beats up his girlfriend whenever he gets drunk. No, we’re talking about what is required of a successful dominant engaged long term in these games, one that also has to live in the real world when the lights go back up.

The little secret of BDSM is that the submissive is the one in charge. If she doesn’t get what she wants out of the deal then she’ll pick up and go away. That’s ultimate power.

Don’t blame your husband for fading on you here. Most do, especially in a marriage situation. Marriage combined with BDSM is like expecting the magician’s helper to always be thrilled and amazed by the master’s illusions while at the same time expecting the master to come up with new tricks every night. That’s a difficult thing to keep going over the life of a marriage. This may be why the majority of both doms and subs are single: they need to be free to move on when the thrill fades.

Don’t get me wrong; there are many examples of married couples that somehow manage to pull together in combined total BDSM happiness. It’s just that there are far more who don’t. It’s just the way it is. Everyone is human.

Best wishes to you both. -- KB

I had an answer all working and everything then I had to start over. Nice Post & Replies

C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-I-O-N!

That is an easier word to spell than it is to embrace.

It sounds like you have devalued yourself a bit...at least to you.
Giving yourself to him is GREAT...if that is what he can command from you!
It sounds like you need to be VERY bad!...I'm thinking NEW SHOES just for a start! When he is really ready to be in control; he can take them out for you and leave them somewhere obvious...and you...being a good little sub should wear them and embrace special service. Shoe are definitely a great start! Being a Spoiled Brat could bring him around to his gloves for a great spankin'!

Your DOM may be highly turned on by power and not understand how to get there...a little bad behavior goes a long way in my house. It is a great reminder of who is in charge...and how difficult it is to relinquish control...and...how fun, hot and sexy D/s can be!

Don't give up! If he doesn't COMMAND your submissive attitude...then show him that it is something that he will have to earn.

Be Patient: It MUST be nice being in charge...but as any large responsibility, it takes input and preparation, consideration and commitment, and can be a large amount of work and stress. I mean really you "let" him tie you up, but he has to figure out all those quick release knots! :icon176:

If he doesn't take charge, give him the ultimatum of you being in control...heh.

almostsubmissive

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Originally Posted by geossub

I have to tell him what I want and what I'd like for him to do to me. I'm about to go crazy.

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This is exactly right. He is no better at reading minds than you are. He's probably just as uncomfortable about this whole situation as you are. He should know everything you want, don't want, couldn't handle. All limits, hard and soft.

There are forms all over the internet that list all possible activities. You need to fill one out expressing exactly how you feel about each activity. You could also keep a journal that he is allowed to read where you write about your role, what you enjoyed, what you didn't. He is allowed to read it but he isn't allowed to punish you or be upset with you about what you write.

He may be dominant but he is also your husband and, I'm guessing, deeply in love with you. He needs to know that what he is doing isn't really hurting you or causing you to hate him. That's a good thing. Respect that.

so far all i have heard here is three very good takes on this, with three rather unique and excellent ideas of how to deal with the issue

it sounds like Kansas Badman has your husbands behavior pegged ,in my experience
i have seen lots of guys that enjoy the "chase" way more than the callenge involved in actually maintaining a relationship in a bdsm way, lots of guys love to say they are dominant even if they only think they are, tenacity and inovation, the will to continue maintaining what my owner likes to call "dominion" over his property (me), is also very important

yet as mentioned by Shwenn 'comunication" is key, he may be having second thoughts, or expecting you to preform certian ways but isnt talking, the comunication goes both ways, i need feedback all the time as to my preformance in pleasing my owner just like he needs to know if what he does in his dominance over me truely allows his property to thrive in her submission, (and for me to thrive i must allso be satisfied)

as a kajira my natural knee jerk reaction/ direction would be just what allmostsubmissive has said, as much as i also agree with the others i tend to personally have a reaction to a lack of real dominance from any man in my life by fufilling that role myself in spades or finding someone who will

a variation of all three approaches may be your best bet sis

the door to pandoras box of submission, the great joy and wonder of true utter sexual fufillment and mutual service to ones owner and or he his sub is paramont like oxygen to a fire, once ventured, once opened, especially in a womans heart, it is not so easily quenched nor closed

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Originally Posted by geossub

He expects me to come to him to get things started and if I don't then he gets upset but I can't read his mind. Isn't he the one who's supposed to tell me what he wants? I have to tell him what I want and what I'd like for him to do to me. I'm about to go crazy. I'm just waiting for him to take the lead. Isn't that his job/role?

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I've been there and done that!!! It's extremely frustrating when you want to give up control, but the "dominant" won't take it from you. My advice is to go to him and tell him how you feel. While you should be free to express your wants and desires, you shouldn't have to feel as if you're the one directing traffic.

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Originally Posted by Kansas Badman

Your husband fantasized that domination meant that he could do whatever, whenever, and that life would be a playground full of exciting sex without effort or consequence. Don’t blame your husband for fading on you here.

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I'm biting my tongue right now, but suffice it to say that I disagreed with the entire post except for the first sentence in the quote. The second sentence is positively infuriating!!! It's a common vanilla male misconception that the lifestyle offers relationships that are easy, i.e. easy women who wait on them hand and foot and like being treated like a doormat. When they actually discover what it's all about, they lose interest. Why? Because they're not really dominant. They're just LAZY! All relationships take work, and that goes for all parties involved. There's no such thing as a free ride for anyone, including submissives who ONLY have to give up control. A true dominant enjoys being in charge and will make every effort to learn what you want and need. Again, if the relationship is at a stalemate, it's time to do some serious talking.

It takes all involved to make this kind of thing work. It is not any one persons failing. Have you sat down and talked about what each wants and what each needs to do to fulfill that? If not I would suggest that. Maybe he is just not sure of what he needs to do, if that is so you can find a mentor. If you have any local groups near you i would suggest getting involved in them and meet those that could possibly train you both. A D/s relationship is a symbiotic one not one sided, so if all are not on the same page it won't work very well.

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Originally Posted by geossub

When I first met my husband he told me about the BDSM lifestyle.
Well I've gotten to the point where I just completely gave myself to him and now he's acting like he has no idea what he's doing. He expects me to come to him to get things started and if I don't then he gets upset but I can't read his mind. Isn't he the one who's supposed to tell me what he wants? I'm very frustrated and bored and hurt. What do I do? :confused::mad:

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You talk it out with him. There are no universal rules. You just have to talk with each other, and get the expectations and the 'hows' of it all sorted.

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Originally Posted by Kansas Badman

.
Think about it … he has to decide when to set things up for playtime; he has to arrange to have all the toys present; he has to plan or at least improvise the what’s going to happen; he has to stay in role during the entire session and there’s more. It’s an intense and demanding task, being a dominant. He has to create the entire scenario and then play it out for the submissive every time. Compare that to what the submissive has to do.

The submissive has only to give up control of her body a nd allow her mind to become one with the moment.She doesn’t have to actually do anything!

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How about changing sides ;-)
(Only joking)

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He really can’t abandon himself completely as the submissive does. By definition, he has to dominate his own emotions even more than he does the submissive’s. He has to remain in control.

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This is true, and something I personally sometimes find frustrating.
How do you manage?

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It gets to be more work than thrill, more trouble than it’s worth.

Don’t blame your husband for fading on you here. Most do, especially in a marriage situation. Marriage combined with BDSM is like expecting the magician’s helper to always be thrilled and amazed by the master’s illusions while at the same time expecting the master to come up with new tricks every night. That’s a difficult thing to keep going over the life of a marriage. This may be why the majority of both doms and subs are single: they need to be free to move on when the thrill fades.

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I don't actually recognize this statistic here. I think there are more committed relationships BDSM/Ds or whatever than single. This because yes you do have to work at it, but when done, you reap the rewards.

=Kansas Badman;699878]

The submissive has only to give up control of her body and allow her mind to become one with the moment. She lets the experience come to her. She is the one being dominated. She doesn’t have to actually do anything!



Wow! All I can say is that is biggest load of poo!!




Don’t blame your husband for fading on you here. Most do, especially in a marriage situation.
Again I will just refer to my poo comment.


[QUOTE][/QUOTE]Marriage combined with BDSM is like expecting the magician’s helper to always be thrilled and amazed by the master’s illusions while at the same time expecting the master to come up with new tricks every night. That’s a difficult thing to keep going over the life of a marriage. This may be why the majority of both doms and subs are single: they need to be free to move on when the thrill fades.

Do you have stats to prove your theory? I know many M/s couples including myself that have been married a long time and are quite happy

Don’t get me wrong; there are many examples of married couples that somehow manage to pull together in combined total BDSM happiness. It’s just that there are far more who don’t.


Again do you have stats or is this just your own ramblings?

You are so way off and seem to promote myths more than truths bad , bad advice for someone new and looking for help.
:wtf