Not really my bdsm life anymore

Hi all. I used to be quite active on this forum a year ago, while these days I'm barely on. It's not like I've lost interest. Quite the opposite, except when I joined this forum initially, it was more of an exploration. It eventually became the place where I got to know some wonderful people, and the place were I met an awesome person.

I met her for the first time in person last year, a few days after she broke up with her boyfriend. I immediately liked her, but I didn't want to be a rebound guy so we agreed to hold off everything for atleast a couple of months. Anyhow, the more I saw her, the more I liked her, till at one point, which I can't really determine, I fell completely in love, although I didn't know it just yet.

For some time, things were going better then great. My ex had broken up with me, I eventually found out that she left me for her ex, and after getting to know her, that didn't matter at all. Long story short, I got out a rut that I was in, work started getting wayy better, I was excited about school and achieving a career. We made plans, we talked about the future, but we still never were a couple just yet. I had wanted to wait, and so did she. A few months later, her ex gets in contact with her and she wasn't sure anymore. Truth be told, I always figured that she wasn't over him, I don't know if it was intuition, or just a fluke. She was quite confused about the two of us, and I guess the stress of school and this had taken her toll. I didn't really know what to do, so I decided to be supportive, just helping her as much as I could.

We were initially going for a vacation in the winter, but she decided that she wanted the time to just contemplate what was happening. Eventually, she ended up going to visit her friends, and he (her ex) was going to be there. I told her it was fine, figured that she needed some time to get a grip of herself. I was hoping she'd be all better. (there is a reason why there was a lot of stress, and it is not my place to share it here)

I found out that she went back to her ex, right after she told me that she was too confused to start dating. I was crushed to say the least, but for some reason, we remained friends, or something like that.

The thing is, her words I was the guy that she knew she'd end up with if she had decided me, while she was concerned that her relationship with him could end at any moment. I couldn't understand it, still can't. After a while, I realised that staying in touch with her was too painful, so we stopped talking. And as impossible as it seemed, it was way more difficult.

I know I'm not over her, everyday I try to convince myself that what happened turned out for the better, but every night, I can't agree with that. The thing is, I could handle her dating someone else, spending the rest of her life with him. What I can't handle, what really kills me, is that she never bothered to wait, to tell me that she wanted to go with him and just let me adjust. I don't know if I'm being too selfish, and if I am, please tell me.

It's been more then half a year, we barely talk apart from the occasional message now. The only way I can handle this in my mind is by telling myself I'm not worth it. While it's demeaning to myself, I can atleast understand it. I can rationalize it. I can't think of anything else to explain it. I have amazing confidence in my abilities and I know I'll be quite successful in the future in my career and every other aspect of my life, but I just have nothing on relationships. I've turned down a few interests including this great girl, because in part, I'm still in love with this girl, or who I think she is, and part because I'm afraid.

A year ago, if you told me that this would be my state of mind, I would have laughed at you. I was always the strong calm one. I always had control over myself. I wish I could go back to being him

Hang in there and don't be so harsh on yourself.

I don't think you're being selfish at all to have expected her to be honest with you regarding her feelings for her ex. (You said it yourself in your post; "Truth be told, always figured that she wasn't over him, I don't know if it was intuition, or just a fluke.) I think you sensed it and were aware of it, but she was confused and unable to be honest even with herself.

You sound like a great guy and I'm sure there is someone out there perfect for you. Stay strong. Stay you.

By the way...You do have control over yourself. You were strong enough to break things off and step back from her for a while. Give it time, enjoy the other aspects of your life and things will fall into place.

HI Lion..

i don't feel you are being selfish.. all i read is maturity in this post.. and a very broken heart..

i am soo sorry this is happened to you.. a broken heart is one hard thing to mend.. some people say they do.. but to be honest i don't think they ever mend completely.

But i truly feel you did the right thing and are carrying on in that fashion.. giving each step time.. and being strong enough to allow her to be around her ex for a bit through decision making..

There is an old wives tale that referers to that..It was one my grandmother and mom must have said a dozen time to me alone if not more:

Quote:

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If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it dosent, then it was never meant to be.

Anonymous

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You are strong Lion because you were able to do that.. It has to be one of the hardest things to do in life as we know what the end result could be and the pain that will follow..

But i truly think you did the right thing by letting her go to her friends with her ex being there... at least then you knew where you stood.. you didn't let your heart fall deeper if it possibly could..

Hugs to you and warm thoughts Lion .. that soon you will be able to get over this hump in your life and carry on .. and find the one that was truly meant for you.. So again you can truly be happy once more..

huggs
snow

wow Lion.. where has the time gone.

Im sorry this has happened and you both seemed to be well suited for each other.

chin up and glad that you are still around these parts

cg

Hi Lion,

I've made a very similar experience some years ago, and it also took me some time to digest everything and bring my self-confidence back to old levels. In hindsight, I can say that the (budding) relationship was doomed from the beginning, as she wasn't self dependent enough to handle pressure well and I lacked the aggressiveness needed to assure her. We might have fit well if we had met at different stages of our respective lives, but as it turned out, she shied back from a promising but unsure future and picked the mediocre but well-known past. I was at a loss then, dropped away like an empty gum wrapper. I still do love her in a lot of ways, but I've cut the contact and moved on, and taken with me the lesson that being the understanding guy isn't always helpful.

I regard every love and relationship I had up to now as a learing experience, with every breakup hurtful but nonetheless shaping me. I think a lot of the hurt came from being forced to un-learn things and traits that had been deeply imbued in my personality, before being able to accept new values.

I hope that, eventually, you can also look back to this part of your life with a sentimental smile. Until then, don't try to too hard to be unselfish - I'd rather suggest the opposite, grant yourself the right to be selfish, angry, betrayed and fed up from time to time, as it's a part of the process of reaching closure.

The only way I can handle this in my mind is by telling myself I'm not worth it. While it's demeaning to myself, I can atleast understand it. I can rationalize it. I can't think of anything else to explain it.

I understand the sentiment.
On the other hand you could rationalize this as: "The only way I can handle this in my mind is by telling myself she does not realize what I am worth..."
Just a thought, ignore it if you wish
Kevin

Thanks all, I really appreciate what you said. They all did help in some way or the other.

So an update

I don't think I'm completely fine just yet. But for the last few weeks, I've been feeling better then I have for more then half a year. I needed some perspective and found it.

I initially thought that I did everything I could and still didn't get her, while I should have been thinking all this time that I did everything I could, and will never have regrets of what I could have done for a more happier ending. I know that sounds like barely any difference, but it is the world of difference to me.

I don't like not being in control of my future, and this whole thing just negated that control. But my inexperience in never getting what I really wanted had to be broken. It sucks that this is the way I learned this lesson, but like they say, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. I recently used this experience to help someone close to me get through a really sticky spot in her relationship. I don't think I would have been able to empathized with her if I hadn't gone through this whole ordeal. I had a purpose, this had a purpose, it wasn't an entire loss. It made me stronger, and in time, I hope a bit wiser.

I would suggest that seeing somebody else and the need to inform the partner are matters that should be discussed and agreed upon before entering into any firm relationship. In your case, it's not quite clear (to me) whether there was a formal dom.sub relationship or you were still in the "hold off" phase. What seems to have bothered you most was not her getting back with her ex but you not knowing or suspecting it could happen. Establishing the limits and parameters upfront would or should have eliminated that problem. Well in theory at least.

Lion,

I am happy to hear that you are doing better. I, like many, had hopes for the two of you and was saddened when the relationship ended. You are a wonderful man and you will find what you seek.

jeanne