Feeling sad

I haven't posted much to this site, so I hope this is OK and appropriate. If it's not, administrators, just please delete it.

I've been kind of confused about what kind of relationship I'm looking for, so I was exploring a vanilla dating relationship while looking for more of a bdsm play/exploring relationship as well. I can't be intimate with more than one person, so I figured I'd just see where each project went and then decide where I am in my life. About the same time I was fixed up with my vanilla guy, I met a man online, much younger than me, in response to a bdsm posting on another site. He just bowled me over but proved to be extremely toxic, and fortunately for me just disappeared because I probably couldn't have ended it easily. Then I met another man, also younger but not as much, through a similar posting. He's pretty much the opposite of the first and I really like him - enough that I wish I hadn't been so clear about wanting only a sex/play relationship. In the meantime I realized, not due to my bdsm project but just basic compatibility, that my vanilla guy was not working out. He really likes me, and I wish I could like him in the same way, but I don't. So I'm going to have to tell him this pretty soon and I'm not looking forward to it, and I feel like there's something wrong with me that the nice guys my own age, who tend to like me a lot, are just not cutting it for me.

The second guy - the one I like, remember? try to keep these things straight! - is out of town, and even though we have TM'd in the past I haven't heard from him on this trip, for good reasons that I understand but I still feel very lost and uncertain. So, just to give myself even more trouble, but it didn't seem that way at the time, I emailed the first guy - the really toxic one, remember? - and asked for a one-word reply to whether he had disappeared because of my age, and was surprised that he responded no. That's all, of course, so now I'm free to imagine all kinds of OTHER reasons why he disappeared, and wonder if the second guy - the one I like, remember? - will have the same problem with me. So it's like a trifecta in my heart - I can feel really horrible about THREE men simultaneously. Did I mention that until this month I hadn't had sex in about 4 years, only to do it twice - a prize if you guess with which ones - and have not-so-great experiences both times. The second guy - the one I like, OK? - it was just nerves for both of us and I found it kind of endearing, but I like him enough to want to get to know him better, not just in bed, and I'm not sure I really have permission. I haven't been this much of a mess in a long time. Thanks for reading.

Welcome to the site and sorry you are feeling sad *hugs* One thing I have found is I have been on this site with a personal ad on a different BDSM site and that can lead to a lot of conflicts. I found that I wanted a relationship with someone who just wanted to play and have a few play sessions and end of that. He really didn't want the emotional side of the relationship.

I too have that trifecta in my heart and I have realized that maybe instead of throwing myself in all these different ways to just figure out what I really want first and then go from there. It is a step back in having sex, or playing but in the end for me it will be not so emotionally hard and I won't be sad if a relationship doesn't work out.

The real time Doms that I have met I have asked for a meet and greet before playing to see if we have any chemistry. If we do maybe then go and meet a 2nd or 3rd time before playing. That way you know each other and know each other on a different level than just jumping in bed.

Take it slow research if you haven't been in the lifestyle long.

Sorry you are feeling sad.

Lil

Thanks so much, Lil. I really appreciate your words. I want to clarify that I wasn't looking for a one-off with either guy, I was looking for an ongoing play relationship. I did for sure meet them first, phone, email, TM etc. In fact that's part of the problem - you can develop such a false intimacy with all the virtual contact and then being together in person can be very different, even though as I said we did do the meet and greet first. I knew the first one for about a month, in a weird way, before any sex. The second not so long, I will admit, but he's less, hmm, emotionally dangerous.