use vs. abuse

When I was new to BDSM, a huge and heavy question pressed in my mind. What is the difference between use and abuse? Or, what is the difference between being used and being abused? I figure, since it was a pretty demanding question in my head, it might also be on the minds of others as they enter this world of BDSM.

Here is my answer. It is not the only answer but it is the one that came upon me through the years.

Abuse is simply when someone oversteps your clearly set boundaries, limits and or limitations without your consent.

Use is staying within those clearly set boundaries, limits and or limitations until consent is given to step over them.

A good Dom(me), Master or Mistress will never push you past your boundaries/limits and or limitations unless you consent to it.

An abusive Dom(me), Master or Mistress will ignore these boundaries, limits and or limitations. And, in fact, in doing so, they are abusing their title and disgracing those who have earned the title respectfully.

If anyone wishes to add to this, or speak of your experiences in this area (good or bad), please feel free.

I think 'use' implies consent. I have been used by dominants before in BDSM play, and I consented to it. Anal was one of my hard limits for a while, but knowing how much my Master at the time felt about it, I decided that, to make him happy, I would allow him to use my ass. It hurt the first time (he was large) but afterwards I did grow to enjoy it.
Abuse implies nonconsent. After I graduated, I moved in with a boyfriend who was 'into' the lifestyle, as he put it. Sceneing with him was all right, though I never got the kind of satisfaction from it that I got from serving my previous master. That should have been my warning flag; I should have gotten out. I didn't. One night he got drunk when he invited his friends over for a party, asked me to 'do' his rottie, and when i reminded him animals were one of my hard limits and i don't do that, he gagged me, dragged me out to his backyard, whipped me till I almost passed out (ignoring my use of the safeword and our agreed-on handsignal), then he and his friends pissed on me. Then he tied me up in the doghouse and left me there all night. A bee stung me the next morning, and i went into anaphylactic shock. (I'm allergic to bees.) His litte brother came over to let the dog out and borrow a CD, and found me out in the yard. He called an ambulance; i went to the hospital; and moved out of my now ex-boyfriend's the next week.
Abuse should never be tolerated. If the Dominant is making the submissive feel at all uncomfortable emotionally, it's time to get out. A dominant should always care for and have the welfare of the submissive in mind. If he doesn't, he doesn't deserve to have a submissive.

The saying goes: Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Anything other than that is abuse. A fine line sometimes but a line that should never be crossed.

Barton

Consent is not always part of the issue of abuse. Consent may be given for an activity because the sub so loves her Master that she will give consent to make him happy, but just becasue consent is given does not mean the act should still occur.

I know this sounds a bit wanky but I really believe the dictionary terminology is the best: to use wrongly or improperly. If you know that your actions will hurt the other person in your relationship and you still continue for totally selfish reasons or you simply don't care for that person - that is abuse. It can still be consensual but having consent does not make it right. There are some people in this lifestyle who are so desperate to be loved that they will do anything to have those feelings. To use that frailty and need to your own advantage is true abuse.

Jason

This is somewhat interesting for me personally. I've tried to get my sub to talk about limits on several occassions and she always avoids the topic. As a result, testing them means sometimes reaching or exceeding one. I've taken it fairly slow...but it's been over a year and sometimes I get pretty intense with her. So far I've only hit one hard limit with her...when I went to whip her pussy. Other than that the only complaint I have ever had is that I don't hit hard/long enough or I didn't pull her hair hard enough. Gotta love her!

MrJerseyGuy-
Communication is key to a good relationship and there are many ways to communicate (though, verbally and in writing are usually best) whether someone has a limit or someone doesn't. Unfortunately, not everyone knows what they want nor does everyone communicate what they want. But, usually, a person will communicate what they don't want and it seems she is doing that so it sounds like (though, only she can really tell you, for sure) you are doing fine. One thing I would suggest, introduce her to the list and share with eachother the results of the list http://www.bdsm-education.com/checklist.html sometime to get a better idea of what her limits are (might help her, too) and what direction she feels comfortable with and which she doesn't. Also, another suggestion, maybe ask her to start a journal especially for you so that she can express fully what she likes and dislikes about your time together so that you know what directions to go in and what sort of things to concentrate on. And, of course, safewords are very good for quiet non-communicative subs. But, I tend to feel like the safeword thing is the cherry topping rather than the filling of the cake. Communication either verbally or in writing should be the filling, in my opinion.

While I agree that a dominant should be as observant as possible to avoid problems, I think that a sub also has an obligation to be honest about limits. Any sub that would violate their limits in an effort to please a dominant is missing the point.
Honesty is essential if the relationship is to succeed. While a dominant, by the virtue of being in control, is responsible for the scene and aftercare. It is too much to also be asked to read a subs mind.

Barton

Quote:

---

(sugeneg)
Consent is not always part of the issue of abuse. Consent may be given for an activity because the sub so loves her Master that she will give consent to make him happy, but just becasue consent is given does not mean the act should still occur.

---

Quote:

---

(Barton)
While I agree that a dominant should be as observant as possible to avoid problems, I think that a sub also has an obligation to be honest about limits. Any sub that would violate their limits in an effort to please a dominant is missing the point.

---

I couldn't agree more. I know the subbie desire to please is strong, but it is important to keep your head about you. A subbie's welfare is not expendable in light of a dominant's happiness. And I've seen some submissives (both female and male) that overextend themselves trying to please their dominants. Sure we all push ourselves a bit here and there, but that's not the same as going beyond limits that we know better than trying to make your dominant happy.

I do tend to think that a lot of that type of scenario tends to come into play more with a more insecure submissive. But then the dominant that knowingly exploits such a weakness for their own gain is just as much at fault. And I even tend to think a little more so, as they should be aware of the responsibility that lies in their own hands in that regard.

Quote:

---

(Barton)
Honesty is essential if the relationship is to succeed. While a dominant, by the virtue of being in control, is responsible for the scene and aftercare. It is too much to also be asked to read a subs mind.

---

And I have to agree here as well. A submissive really does need to express themself to their dominant. If they don't... it doesn't give the dominant a whole lot to work with.

I know, this is going to sound "extreme" to most, but consider, for a moment, the analogy.

Imagine having a prized possession. That is how I see a slave to a Master but this analogy can also be used in the D/s context, as well. When one has a prized possession, like say a classic car, one takes the best care of it possible. One makes sure that it is sensitive towards what it is telling it. The classic car may not be able to literally "speak" to it's owner, but it can and does give the owner certain signs whether it is in good shape or when it is in need of some major or minor care and repair. A good owner "listens" to and "watches" his car, he doesn't just stick it in a garage and then take it for a joyride and then stick it back in the garage without checking on it once in awhile. He gives it the best possible care. Why? Because the car and how he keeps it is a reflection of HIM. If the car is in bad shape, it reflects upon his ability as an owner of the car. If it is kept in great shape, he is honored and much pride comes from his car and the car will serve him the best it can for a very long time. And, in fact, he does all he can to make sure that car lasts in top condition so that he can enjoy it for as long as possible. I see it much the same way, with BDSM relationships. (Long and short term.) A sub/slave does need to communicate to her Dom(me) or Master/Mistress but in the same way a Dom(me), Master/Mistress needs to also be sensitive to the nonverbal as well as the verbal communications and make adjustments to get the most out of the relationship not just for himself but for the sub/slave because it really does reflect poorly upon that Dom(me), Master/Mistress if they don't.