BDSM vs. Abuse
An article for the curious
By BDSM_Tourguide
(from July 9, 2003)
What is the difference between BDSM and abuse? How can one abuse someone that frequently begs to be beaten? This article looks to answer some questions some people, both dominants and submissives, may not know about their relationships and what should and should not happen, even between consenting partners.
A BDSM relationship is a consensual relationship between individuals interested in exchanging power or pursuing similar fetishes. Relationships within the frame of the BDSM lifestyle should be positive growth experiences for all participants, just as any vanilla relationship should be.
Abuse can occur in any relationship and any partner you select is a potential abuser. It is important to recognize the signs of an abusive relationship. Some of the most common signs that you have begun a relationship with an abuser are:
1. Isolation – Abusers tend to isolate their victims. It is easier to control someone with no support circle and no outside sources of knowledge. Abusers do not like for their victims to have friends, family or even pen pals. Abusers like their victims to see them as the whole world; the only source their victim needs for anything.
2. Mood Swings – Abusers tend to be both violently angry and intensely apologetic. Most abusers apologize profusely for striking out at their victims, swearing they will never do it again and even committing to getting help for their problem, if it is an ongoing issue. Victims of abuse should not believe a word of it. The abuser feels nothing for you except anger. He is not sorry, he will do it again and he will not get help, no matter how much you threaten to force him or threaten to leave him. Oddly enough, an abusers erratic mood makes them more passionate, both emotionally and sexually. Although, they typically can only manifest emotions of anger or the like.
3. Suspicious – Abusers are intensely suspicious of their victims. They always want to know where their victim is, what they are doing, how long they will be gone and with whom they are going. If the victim answers any of these questions in a matter unsatisfactory to the liking of the abuser, the victim’s plans will be immediately cancelled. As the relationship progresses, less and less social situations will be acceptable to the abuser and the victim will be allowed to go out less and less. Suspicion stems from low self-esteem. Most abusers suffer from incredibly poor images of themselves. Either that or the direct opposite is true and they are immensely confident of themselves to the point of narcissism. Typically, though, the abuser’s narcissistic tendency is to cover up a lingering self-doubt or a personal crisis of self-image.
4. Progression – Abusers progress as the relationship continues. Abusers get more violent with their victims the longer the relationship continues. An abuser’s violence will only escalate. He will not stop until he severely batters his victim to the point of hospitalization and he has an epiphany about his problem or until he kills his victim.
Abuse is harder to detect within the confines of a BDSM relationship. A dominant may spank his submissive, but an abuser will spank her in anger. The rule within the BDSM community that is widely accepted is that no one will ever touch their partner in anger. The moment that line blurs is the moment the BDSM becomes abuse.
Abusers also don’t really like to spank. They like to hit things and they like to feel themselves hitting things. They would much rather use their bare hands so they can get that satisfaction of hitting the assumed object of their anger. Most abusers do not realize that the person with which they are angry is themselves or the people or person that taught them how to abuse.
Remember, an abuser will want to isolate his victim from the world so he can maintain his complete control of her. This is another way in which BDSM relationships can become blurry with the lines of abuse. Power exchange is about control, but so is abuse. How does a potential victim tell the difference between the two? Your dominant will want you to learn. He will want to see you grow as a person and as a submissive. He will want you to have friends, attend munches, learning functions, social functions and play parties, even if he cannot attend himself. An abuser does not want these things. He wants his victim to stagnate and to become internal. He wants to keep his life with his victim as private as possible. He knows what he does is wrong, but it might also be all he knows. He does not want his victim to learn, nor does he want her to be social. After all, his perfect little world may come crumbling down around him at one uttered sentence from his victim.
Some dominants use verbal, physical or emotional forms of humiliation to train and excite their submissives. A dominant calling his submissive a ‘filthy whore’ while she is in the process of giving him a blowjob may only serve to excite the submissive and make her efforts all the greater for it. A dominant slapping his submissive in the face as a means of discipline is humiliating, but can be an effective tool in teaching. A dominant teasing his submissive for being horny because she is wearing seductive clothing is humiliating, especially in a social setting, but may also serve to excite the submissive further. None of these examples are abuse. However, an abuser angrily shouting that his victim is a ‘filthy whore’ at the top of his voice is not exciting, it’s not positive and it certainly won’t excite her. An abuser slapping his victim because she has done something to make him angry is not exciting; it is abuse plain and simple. An abuser teasing his victim because she is overweight is not humiliating, it’s degrading. It also will not excite her unless she is very, very comfortable with her figure.
There is a distinct difference between humiliation and degradation in all forms of relationships. Humiliation can be exciting and positive and can be very helpful in a disciplinary sense as well. Degradation is never positive. It never serves to excite or provoke positive emotions from a victim. Degradation in itself is abuse.
Even the most depraved and lowly of slaves will want to at least know she is still a human in her master’s eyes. She will not get such satisfaction from an abuser. An abuser will only see the negative things about her and will only be angry with her for anything she does.
What do you do if you feel you are the victim of abuse? You have many options available to you at all times:
1. Tell someone – Tell a friend, a family member, a policeman, anyone, but just tell somebody! Abuse flourishes in silence.
2. Call a hotline – There are numerous 24 hour abuse hotlines for you to call. Many are listed in your local telephone book. If you don’t know the number to an abuse hotline, call your local police station and ask them. They have all the information readily available.
3. Get help – The moment you think you are in an abusive relationship, get help! Don’t try to fix the problem. Don’t try to change your partner. Get yourself the help you need. Look for a counsellor or a free clinic or call an abuse hotline. Whatever you do, do not let it continue and do not continue to just look they other way and turn the other cheek.
4. Get OUT! – No matter what else you do, get out now! Do not let the abuse continue. Do not let your abuser have the power over you. Even if you have signed a submissive or slavery contract, when he starts to abuse you, he has voided it. The very first thing you must do if you suspect you are being abused is to get out.
5. Do not go back – An abuser will be the most charming man alive while he has no one to abuse. He will beg and he will make promises; he will apologize and buy you gifts aplenty just to get you back under his control. He will be completely fixated on you, which is half of his problem in the first place. Don’t listen to a word of it! Don’t listen to his apologies. Don’t listen to his threats. Don’t listen to his begging. Don’t accept his gifts. Until he gets help for himself, you do not need him. He must be the one to get help, though. You can’t make him and you can’t change him. Don’t try. You will fail and he will continue to abuse you. Take the control away from him.
6. Do not cave in – No matter how persuasive he is, no matter how sincere he seem, no matter how much he promises to change, do not lose your resolve. Tell him you will go back to him after he gets help for his problem. It is his problem, not yours. Until he fixes himself, he does not need to break you. Besides, if he really loved you, he would do this for you. Right?
Anyone that feels they may be the victims of abuse and don’t know what to do to help themselves may email me privately at BDSM_Tourguide@yahoo.ca and I will try to find some help for you in your area. The most important thing is for you to not continue to live with your abuse. Get out, get help, and get better.
Thank you,
BDSM_Tourguide
