A sadist but not a dom?

I've had a relationship with a woman for several years. We enjoyed rough sex, bondage, spanking and whipping. We tried roleplaying for a while but it didn't work and I don't think our relationship had a strong D/s aspect. Sometimes I'd treat her with a firm tone like she was a naughty girl but that's about it. The relationship ended a few months ago and I want to explore my interest in S/M, but I'm wondering how best to present myself and not to mislead people.

I definitely enjoy the "giving" side of S/M, I do have fantasies about D/s--well I wrote a couple of stories which can be found in the library here (shameless plug ends here:cool: )--but I don't think in real life I'm that into D/s, and I don't want to mislead people to think that I do, I mean I don't want to act like a "poser" or Dom wannabe, whatever you call it. So I'm curious: are there many people like me, who are more sadistic rather than dominant? How do you see or present yourselves? And if you a a sub, what do you think about this type?

On the other hand, I can imagine some people saying that the two can't be separated, that a "non-dominant sadist" is an oxymoron, etc, and I'd be glad to hear your reasons too.

Thanks

Yes. I do believe that one can be a sadist without being a Dominant. I don't know how common it is...or maybe it's more common than I think. :rolleyes:

A good question to answer before deciding that D/s isn't for you: how do you define "a D/s relationship"? There is definitely a wide variety of definitions - all the way from 24/7 D/s all the time to a couple who are vanilla in all ways except in the bedroom where the power-exchange comes into focus.

I can conceive of a submissive personality who loves to hurt people but can only do so if ordered to do so... unable to bring themselves to decide what to inflict, how to inflict, or how hard to inflict... but gets hot and bothered when ordered to do so...

And it is very clear that a dominant does not have to be a sadist at all. Bondage enthusiasts are a great example... full control, but never causing pain.

I actually think its really common - especially online but in real life as well I have come across so called Doms, who didn't really possess any of the Dominant qualities. They seemed unsure at times etc. But they were really into causing a woman pain. I personally stay away from these types but then I stay away from a lot of things ;)

I think its great though that you analyse yourself like that and try to get to the bottom of what you want and what kind of person you want to do it with. Its so important to be upfront with stuff like that.

I have direct although bitter experience of this. My Master is a sadist first and has learned through his relationship with me to express his sadism through being dominant. The relationship you had with your girlfriend and the things you did together sound just fine because it suited the two of you. But please don't present yourself to any sub as a Dominant only because of your experience so far with sadism. If you think you might now enjoy a D/s relationship then you have to present yourself as a new Dom and learn, learn, learn the new disciplines that that involves. To my mind a sub needs her Dominant to understand he must cherish and guide her, over and above any pain he wishes to inflict on her. The philosophies of Domination come first now and sadistic practices should be secondary to them. Good luck in your exploration.

The two are often, but not necessarily always, found together.

The BDSM trinity (bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism) is an intertwining of those three distinct, but often complementary, aspects of the lifestyle. I think in the combining of those three things into one catchy acronym, many people have become confused about its origins and treat it as a single thing.

There are people who enjoy bondage, but don't dominate or submit; those who dominate and submit, but have no interest in pain-play; and those, apparently like yourself, who want the pain-play without having an interest in power exchange. And there exists every conceivable combination in every possible degree of those aspects.

Be clear and up-front about what your interests are and you'll find a compatible partner.

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Originally Posted by Pearlgem

I have direct although bitter experience of this. My Master is a sadist first and has learned through his relationship with me to express his sadism through being dominant. The relationship you had with your girlfriend and the things you did together sound just fine because it suited the two of you. But please don't present yourself to any sub as a Dominant only because of your experience so far with sadism. If you think you might now enjoy a D/s relationship then you have to present yourself as a new Dom and learn, learn, learn the new disciplines that that involves. To my mind a sub needs her Dominant to understand he must cherish and guide her, over and above any pain he wishes to inflict on her. The philosophies of Domination come first now and sadistic practices should be secondary to them. Good luck in your exploration.

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Thanks. "Presenting myself to a sub as a Dom only because of..." is exactly what I want to avoid. That's why I wanted to know if people would understand what I was getting at with the description of sadist but not dom, or if they would tend to assume sadist=dom and would misunderstand.

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Originally Posted by Laila

I actually think its really common - especially online but in real life as well I have come across so called Doms, who didn't really possess any of the Dominant qualities. They seemed unsure at times etc. But they were really into causing a woman pain. I personally stay away from these types but then I stay away from a lot of things ;)

I think its great though that you analyse yourself like that and try to get to the bottom of what you want and what kind of person you want to do it with. Its so important to be upfront with stuff like that.

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Heh... the inadvertant "near" oxymoron... Getting to the bottom of one's dominance. :rolleyes:

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Originally Posted by Roadrunner2005

Thanks. "Presenting myself to a sub as a Dom only because of..." is exactly what I want to avoid. That's why I wanted to know if people would understand what I was getting at with the description of sadist but not dom, or if they would tend to assume sadist=dom and would misunderstand.

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Yes, you are right. I think many would. I go to munches all the time and see people who claim to be submissive but are really masochists... given away by their attitudes towards submissive concepts, but oh how they do love being whipped, flooged, waxed, and pierced. Likewise I see 'doms' who aren't dominant and some swithces who are neither... for they tend to all fall into what I think is more aptly described as enjoyers of kinky sex (and there's nothing wrong with that) but they are not doms nor subs respectively.

If you want to explore your dominant self, indeed, as suggested, consider yourself a beginner, especially if your experiences in sadism could be categorized as being more about kink than power.

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Originally Posted by Ozme52

Heh... the inadvertant "near" oxymoron... Getting to the bottom of one's dominance. :rolleyes:

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*ggg* Very clever. And what can I say, I love oxymorons. Especially inadvertently cheeky ones like this :)

its very common and there's nothing unusual about it, just look around perhaps visit a few clubs join a few bdsm sites ...be honest in your profile, there are many masochists out there who are not interested in actual D/s in the slightest.
i have 2 friends who are extremely good expert riggers/rope bottoms and into extreme s/m they have been in a r/ship for around 12 yrs and found that D/s doesnt work for them but are one of the happiest couples i know.
D/s is not an essential factor in bdsm just like s/m isnt.
be upfront with any potential partner(s) and you should have no problems.
sometimes people forget that D/s,bdsm or s/m is not actually an entity on its own their all actually very seperate things but have been put under an umberella together because many mix all 3 together.

The way you guys describe it it makes so much sense. I mean I personally would describe myself as a submissive - not a masochist. I am also not particularly excited by Bondage, especially if its not mixed with sex. Hey thanks for clearing up a vague feeling I had about how things work :)

Having only just joined the forum I read this thread first and I will follow it with fever. I my self have had sexual relationships with women who were.....wel a bit kinky. But no more then blindfolds, cuffs and name calling. I Found I enjoyed this very much. The dom status seemed to appeal to me. Since then I have kept my fantasies and my desires a secret from partners for fear of scaring them away. I have had many happy relationships but none that truley "floated my boat". Since my first experiance with what I would call "power play" aged 14 I have enjoyed tye more sadistic part of my sexuality on the internet but never explored it further. For years i have classed my self in the same sexual freak catagory normally reserved for rapists and peadophiles but have recently decided that my sexual orientation is not wrong. If forums like this exist than surely lots of other people enjoy the same thing right? and your not judging the thread starter for admitin his likes revolve more around the pain than the sex ( as mine do I think) has inspired me to join the forum. I may post some annoying questions as I start my lonely journey in to the world I have longed for 11 years to belong to to I will say this. Thank you to the thread starter for being so honest and making me realise I can be to an a pre-emptive thank you to you all for being so accepting of people sexuality/ (although I'd expect nothing less on a site with such a name.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey, jff. I hope you find through the Library that you're not alone, and that you begin to explore and understand yourself and enjoy what you are. You're not a freak here!!

Well, I think it's definitely possible... because I'm very dominant (and I'm one hundred percent sure of that), but I'm also masochistic. It makes for an odd combination. So, I figure if the way I am is possible, it's got to be possible to be sadistic without being particularly dominant.

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Originally Posted by MissElizabeth87

Well, I think it's definitely possible... because I'm very dominant (and I'm one hundred percent sure of that), but I'm also masochistic. It makes for an odd combination. So, I figure if the way I am is possible, it's got to be possible to be sadistic without being particularly dominant.

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I'm the opposite - sadistic, but submissive. I don't find it at all a stretch that someone could be sadistic and neither submissive or dominant.