Safe Word Issues

I am aware that the answer to this can be different based on the sub so please think of the sub you are with or the last one you were with to base your answer on.

I have had several subs tell me that when it comes to safe words that they shy away from using them even when they need to because they are afraid of disappointing their Dom. Or in some cases they just get so far into what's going on that it never even occurs to them that there is any such thing as a safe word even when the pain is unbearable. In my case, the one time I needed it I forgot what the word was. (Yelling "I forgot my safeword" worked well that time. hehehe)

So my question is......As a Dom/me how do you handle this? Do you just keep going unless a safeword is used? Or is there some sign that you look for or notice that things have gone too far and for whatever reason your sub hasn't safeworded but needs to stop? What is something ie. facial expression, noise, etc. that your sub does that tells you that it's time to stop even though they havn't said their safe word?

The biggest question of all.....How many of you honestly weren't aware that subs sometimes won't or can't use their safe words, even when they desperately need to?

I am far from a dominant, but since this is on a wide forum, and i wouldnt mind giving my two cents....i'll say..Lol.

Since i havent been worked so hard, to the point of me having to use a safeword, I cant say about disappointing. But i do know, if i needed to say it, It has to be safe. If not it can be very costly, to the both of us. Not wanting to disappoint is a big thing with every submissive, we want to "act" as if we are the toughest, able to take the longest beating, or maybe fucking. But we are only human and we cant please everyone, no matter how hard we try. Our Dominants would want us to be honest with them, why prolong something if it stops being enjoyable for you? Just to scratch some Sadist need to beat? Lol..Or maybe getting a long hard fucking in the ass? When it stops being enjoyable, thats when we have to sit down and talk about this.

A Dominant has to know his submissive. He has to know when she maybe losing abit to much O2 because of a gagged mouth, or maybe if a beating is to hard for a small frame. Or even for most, including myself...being tied up and the ties are tight and binding without some circulation. Thats where trust, communication and being honest with your Dominant comes in. The "all knowing" and Loving Dominant, wouldnt want to damage his property, so not being honest with him when something has become to much...ahhhh it could hurt his feelings.

I know for some it takes time to really know a person and know what they are able to take. Thats also where trail and error comes in, I know i cant take a caning or really heavy beating, while others can. *Pouts* i know sad but true Lol. But give me a long hard fucking...i am in heaven!!!! *day-dreams*

as i said before, i know the question was directed towards Dominants. but from my limited experience...Knowing your Dominant/submissive makes all the difference with issues of safewords....

If a new sub shows any resistance to the idea of a safeword I will tell them that it is information I, the Dom, need, and refusing to use it would be lying to Me. That usually gets the idea across.

Although I have often been able to tell when a sub is in distress before they safeword, I would never rely on it until I knew them well. In my long term BDSM relationships it's always been an important step when I told the sub she no longer had a safeword: from now on she would have to rely on me knowing when "NOOO!" means "I really need you to stop right now" and when it means "This is unbearable and I'll never forgive you if you stop."

sure, a safe word- that's important.

honestly though, there are other indicators of someone being in too much pain. I work as a massage therapist, and you always get the guy who comes in and wants really deep pressure. he will never tell you that he is getting too much, wehn I know my elbow is against his ribs or something.

there is a limit to what the body can take without damage. so yuo watch for shortness of breath, of the body tensing, of hypremia- reddness is ok, but if the tissue gets too red, you are going to produce a hematoma- a bruise. maybe bruising is ok- but i'v gotten a few over the years folks wanted me to seek medical attention for.

I guess what i am saying is that you need to pay very close attention to your sub, take them a little bit at a time, know their tolerance levels, learn their body.

I'm with Lisais mine on this one - safewords are fine - but as the Dom, I need to pay attention and watch how she's responding - not just emotionally but also physically.

Case in point: We tried a new toy tonight - my girl enjoyed it immensely - but I stopped play despite how much she was enjoying it because it went from making her bottom a lovely red to deep bruising in one fairly gentle stroke. There seems to be one spot on the toy that is much harsher than the rest.

She would have kept on receiving strokes - and suffered some deep damage if I'd depended on her using her safe word. The way I see it - her safe word is for when I misjudge and take her further than she can go - but it's up to me to keep her safe and make sure she doesn't need to use it.

Based on my observation and her comments just now, my girl would be more likely to respond badly (use a safe word) at the start of a session. Once she's past the initial few strokes she is deeply into it and feels sensation, but not pain as such.

So to get back to the original question - yes - I'm very aware that sometimes a safeword should be used and isn't - with my girl - when she's in her space the last thing she'd ever think about is a safeword - so it is vital I know her enough to know when she needs me to stop without her necessarily being aware that she's reached that point.

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Originally Posted by satisfied{SW}

As a Dom/me how do you handle this?

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By being observant and not counting on a safeword.

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Do you just keep going unless a safeword is used?

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No. That's insane. I jeep going until I am finished ;)

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Or is there some sign that you look for or notice that things have gone too far and for whatever reason your sub hasn't safeworded but needs to stop? What is something ie. facial expression, noise, etc. that your sub does that tells you that it's time to stop even though they havn't said their safe word?

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Even "signs" aren't reliable as those can be reliant on a person's mental space.

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The biggest question of all.....How many of you honestly weren't aware that subs sometimes won't or can't use their safe words, even when they desperately need to?

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I was aware.

This is an area where there is no good solution beyond using good judgment and knowing your partner. If you can't count on critical feedback, either you don't go there or you take the risk and rely on your own judgment and knowledge.

Oh, I am well aware that safe words can be forgotten in the heat of the moment. In fact I have accepted a call of "safeword" as a safe word, I am also well aware (as hopefully most of us are) that sometimes a sub will withhold the safe word out of pride or duty, and they can even be in a place where safe words no longer exist.

As to the question of how to tell, well it's body language. All of the things you described along with a dozen others. If you pay attention you don't need the safe word. I consider the use of a safe word to be a failing on my part. Of course if she is just refusing to beg for mercy out of pride. I am happy to allow her to test her will.

That said, I also see the words tossed about a lot. It almost seems that people want to rely on the safeword instead of trying to really communicate. Make more words, use a stoplight for communication during play. The safe word should only be for emergencies. It must be honored and all play must stop.

Just another opinion
Bear

Maybe I see things differently, but using a safe word is for emergencies only and is something that I feel must be in place but would rather not hear. It doesn't mean failure of My submissive but more of failure on My part to see and pay attention to other physical and emotional signs.
The safeword is suppose to be a last resort- meaning that if I don't pick up on the discomfort then the submissive is to alarm Me of it verbally. I've only had one submissive use it and when it was used it was used out of fear of something new and prematurely.
I don't take the use of one lightly but I also expect to be alerted by it when necessary. The use of it shows respect to the relationship and also to one another and I would probably punish My submissive if she didn't use one when needed. It may be looked at as double punishment but I look at it as a lesson needed to be learned deeply and thoroughly.
Knowing your partner is essential and boundaries should only be pushed if all parties are aware of that push. Pushing, scare tactics, and other Dom/me selfishly inflicted acts shows that the Dominate is still pre-mature and not reading for that responsibility-Trust. I hold it in high regard and keep that in mind in scenes... and out.

I personally have no problem using my safe word if it's needed. I would be afraid of loosing Master's trust if I didn't use it and I ended up really hurt. The entire reason I started this thread is because there are so many Doms who are new to the lifestyle and may not have been aware of this. Thank you all for your useful responses. If even one person learned something from all of you then I am a very happy person.

Anyone have any useful advice for Doms just starting out?