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hi, new here to the site and the lifestyle. i have an experienced sub, who wont shut her mouth, act feminine, talks back, and is super bratty. makes it hel to learn what i'm doing. soon as one thing works, she's off on another tangent, another mood, and i'm scratchin my head. any advice?
-M-
Are you certain you are,in fact, the Dom. It sounds like she's topping from the bottom.
Tell her in no uncertain terms that you expect better behavior... and if she wants to be beaten/spanked/bound and/or otherwise played with... she'd better behave or you'll leave her to stew and find an appropriately devote submissive to abuse.
In otherwords, bad behavior begets nothing!
BTW, who told you she was experienced? Her? LMAO.
BEAT HER ASS.
come on- breaking the sub is half the fun- who wants one that listens all the time. as long as she isn't embarassing you in public, just punish her.
I've got a little issue with how acting feminine makes for a good submissive but that a digression for another post. It sounds like she's just testing you. If you let her get away with it, she will just continue questioning you and will never respect you as her Dominant.
You need to clearly communicate what you are seeking in a submissive generally and what you expect from her in particular. Let her know that things will happen on your timetable and at your whim and that her actions are not acceptable. Be specific about what you are talking about (for example, seeking clarification of a command is okay but questioning your orders is not). True disrespect of your authority should not be handled with a spanking (she might enjoy that) but by a withdrawal of your attention--put her in a corner with her nose against the wall and ignore her. It won't take too long for the message to sink in.
I must admit I do encourage minor, bratty behavior in my sub but, then again, we both like it when I take her to task. You need to find a level that works for you--a broken sub is no good to anyone and a little fighting spirit keeps things exciting.
Is this an online only submissive we are talking about here M?
Yep. Different levels of "free will" to be reeled in. As far as fighting spirit, I just prefer it in forms other than bratty... and I would certainly never put up with the disdain apparently being shown as described above.Quote:
Originally Posted by Euryleia
I suspect, neither would you. ;)
Digressions to posts are fun ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Euryleia
As a guy I totally get why he wants her to act feminine. Acting feminine is doesnt have anything to do with being submissive. It is more to do with him being a guy and wants a girl to Dominate. Not sure why that should be strange even if you are gay but please enlighten me :)
To the OP. Hormonal issues or some other issue might play a part in her acting. Otoh you might need to put your foot down and be more firm. Not sure how you are doing things but since you are new to the "lifestyle" then you most likely have things to learn to get her "under control" so to speak.
Perhaps the greatest advice from me without knowing you more and your situation is to talk to her. Sit down and talk a good long open talk and learn what she wants and why she acts like she does.
Good Luck to ya :)
btw just like Oz. I wouldnt either put up with her acting like that.
After having discussed the above at length in chat with the respected parties I have come to the conclussion that this is more of a relationship issue than anything else.
My advice to them both is to honestly communicate thier repective needs to one another.
I wish the all the luck in the world and will keep them both in my prayers.
Sounds to Me like she's a SAM
whats a sam?
Smart Assed Masochist. A masochist who tries to get his/her needs filled by trying to provoke punishment.Quote:
Originally Posted by charliegirlnaked
I am a sub and heres my two cent:... I know personally, sometimes i need to see if a Dom can TRUELY dominate me. Especially in the begining. It is my nature( too many years vanilla i guess ) to see what I can get away with. As much as I know that being submissive makes me the happiest, I need to feel that He is the one to give my submission to. I know that I am a sub that NEEDS to be broken(mmm..sometimes over and over....lol ) and never let to forget that is is HE who is in charge. Not because I want to be in charge. Just the opposite, but because I need to know He allways will be .
The consensus here is correct. Let her know without a doubt, without options, without consideration, that they way You say things are going to be... it is....
Like the famous line" So let it be written. Let it be done."
good luck Sir
...and yet, I rarely get tested... not more than once.
When I behave in a "bratty" fashion, it is usually playful. I do so because Mia'Cova often enjoys these little games. He likes discinplining me after I've misbehaved. He likes to have a reason to spank me (even though we both love it). However, when He is serious, I know it and behave accordingly.
I'm not sure if this is what your sub is doing. It doesn't sound like it.
Logic1 is right, get to know her. Just because it is a D/s relationship doesn't mean that you don't need communication. Learn what she likes in her every day life as well as sexually. Know her as a person.
I do the same. Even now after all this time I do it. Not to the same extent it used to be though. Now it's little things. Like, I'll complain about wanting to cut my hair. Which I know for a fact is something I am NOT allowed to do. More than wanting to cut my hair, I want him to say no. Even if it's a distracted response, actually somehow the distracted response means more. Because even when he's not fully paying attention, he remembers the rules he's set and will not allow me to break them.
I don't need to be constantly reminded. But, to me it's the same as being told "I love you." I know he loves me, he doesn't ever have to say it again and I'll know. But, he does say it. Same as I occasionally like to hear "I love you" I also like to be reminded that he is still fully in control of me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by unmastered
I can be bratty and be abit much at times...But theres a difference between being bratty and being annoying at all times. There are some people consider themselves to be submissive but in real life just like to be man-handled and thrown about. Testing is one thing but totally disrespecting the Top in the relationship just to get some twisted needs met is wrong(imo) Now if the two parties enjoy this type of play, so be it..
But punishment should be an instructing tool..Not something that you have to use just to get your way with this "bottom" who maybe trying to T.F.T.B.
As den, stated, communication, honesty and committment will help this relationship andall others. she might be missing something, maybe you arent the dominant for her. Doormats arent fun, but You shouldnt have to try to break her. Giving you what you need an obedient, loving and caring submissive. One who listens because she wants to, not because you had to force your Dominance on her.
just my five cents :)
Minor digression. But I have to say thank you out loud to angelic_zest: your post contained a sign for me. I always try to thank the person & the Universe when that happens. :D Thank you.
It sounds to me like she's testing you, i.e. trying to see how you'll react and whether or not you can handle her. The trick is not to give her what she wants if she's a masochist as this would be a reward. If you have calmly reminded her not to interrupt while you're speaking and it happens again, this may be the perfect opportunity to introduce her to speech restriction where she may not speak at all to anyone until spoken to for several hours. If she fails to comply with this exercise in self-restraint, physical means may be necessary, such as a gag. If her speech is disrespectful, wash her mouth out with dish soap or have her hold a bar of soap in her mouth for a period of time.Quote:
Originally Posted by -M-
If you wish her to be more feminine, engage her in conversations about the kind of women you admire and why. Have her read a book on etiquette. She may not feel that she is capable of being a girly girl, or she may feel like you don't like her for who she is. You can overcome these barriers to change with good communication, trust, and encouragement rather than criticism.
how about hard spanking on her butt?
I agree with unmastered! 100 %!
I also think she is testing you. I would like to add that although some Doms like this, it is not everybody's cup of tea. Not, for instance, mine. I have zero patience for that kind of behaviour! Nor is it a suitable test for whether you are a 'proper' Dom or not, it is simply a matter of taste.Quote:
Originally Posted by -M-
If you want to keep her, I'd say listen to the good advice about 1) communication 2) Not rewarding bad behaviour 3) Make punishments real and unambiguous.
If you do not like this behaviour, tell her so, and ask her to change it. If she doesn't, find a partner you are more compatible with.
What on earth is acting feminine???Quote:
Originally Posted by Euryleia
Examples??
Quote:
Originally Posted by -M-
I'm a brat & for the most part it's uncontrollable. I have asked sir for immediate and consistent corporal punishment (as I know this is something I DO NOT enjoy) for my behaviour modification.
However, I *WANT* to change my behaviour to better satisfy my Masters needs. If your sub doesn't want to change, nothing you do will help. Like Ozme52 said "bad behavior begets nothing!"
Quote:
Originally Posted by unmastered
I feel the same way & have never been able to put it into words. thank you unmastered
~ openlyrefined