Mentoring??? DOMME vs. DOM

I am new here and I have a question about Mentoring.

Let me give you a little bit of background so you will understand where I am coming from.

I am currently in a relationship with a novice DOM. He as been very interested in this life style for as long as he could remember but just never go around to it, intil he met me.

I was introduced to the life style several years ago and played with a great couple who taught me a lot about BDSM and I realized where I fitted in and that I was a sub and loved it (still do). I have been out of the life style for 5 years due to work and being out of the country (may job takes a lot of my time). So you could consider me a novice sub, because I am re-learning and learning something new everyday, but us that not true of every aspect of life (okay I am getting of track here).

WE meet through our work and spent three years getting to know wach other as co-workers, then as friends and no here we are.

I relized he was a DOM very earlier in our friendship, he would even tell you that he did not truly realized this until I told him. We have been talking about this for the past year, yes for a year. I believe this is something you do not take lightly and you need alot of trust and understanding between two people (again I am getting off track, sorry)

Just this week I told him that I thought it would be a very good idea to have a DOM that he could ommunicate with, learn from and become a mentor for him. He thought it was a good idea, but mentioned something interesting. he thought it would be better to learn from a DOMME. He feels that psychologically a DOMME would be able to understand my needs as a sub better then a DOM and that he would be able to get a woman's prespective. As he put it, a man will never truly understand a woman, better then a woman can understand another woman, DOMME sub, slave or not. I thought it was a valid point.

So my assignment is to find a DOMME or even a DOM for him to learn from and become a mentor (we understand that this would be a growing relationship) I on the other hand do not have a preference of him having a DOMME or a DOM.

So what do you all think about this? Can anyone give me some advice, point me in the right direction?

Also I would love to talk with another sub out there if possible.

Thanks in advance!

It is always worth learning from another Dom but I am not convinced this needs to be a Domme. Domme's generally (very generally, I admit, as there are many lesbian Dommes out there...) practise on men not women and so would not necessarily understand how to treat a woman (unless, as I said, they were a bi or lesbian Domme...). The techniques and psychology involved are completely different (though there are some similarities). Just to give a few differences off the top of my head:

- differences in emotional and psychological needs
- physical differences in breast and nipple sensitivity (and you can do more with breasts than you can with man boobs)
- Genital differences (need I say more? You can usually hang more weights off a ball sac but you can force a woman to orgasm more...)

He may therefore be better off talking to a male Dom about things this male Dom does to their female subs than talking to a female Domme about male subs. Even if he finds a lesbian/bi Domme, the relationship dynamic is different between a female Domme/female sub and male Dom/female sub (though the techniques will be more or less the same so it may work on that level).

Now, that assumes that all he wants to do is talk... some BDSM practioners beleive that you cannot be a Dom/me unless you have experienced something of being a sub (not necessarily my opinion, not really one I have an opinion on, just reporting what I have seen in various different places). The idea being to get a form of empathy with your sub. If this is what he wants then he may indeed be more comfortable with a female Domme wielding the whip. In fact, he may be wanting to talk to a Domme because he is concerned about male Doms being overbearing and too 'alpha male' for him depsite the fact that this is rarely the case in my experience (most male doms are lovely people and I am not just saying that because they'll whip me if I don't... :) )

Now, even though I say it may not be directly useful to have a female mentor, I can see no harm in talking to as many Dom/mes and subs as you can to get a good feel for the lifestyle as a whole. Mentoring, however, is a more direct 'this is how I do things, now you try it' sort of relationship which means there may be clashes in technique.

My Master has been in the lifestyle for about 9 years now, his first mentor was Domme (a friend of his) but he told me recently that there came a point where he felt the need to learn from a male perspective, there were simply things that a female couldn't teach him. He still communicates to both his Dom mentor and his Domme mentor but when he is looking for advice his first call is to the Domme, I don't think this has anything to do with the fact that she has the female perspective but simply more to do with the fact that they have remained closer.

The most important aspect is that this is someone who he can trust and who understands him, also someone who he will be able to turn to in the more distant future if the need arises.

I am rather new as well, in the simple fact that after years of just going things off and on "when I could get away with them" with my vanilla ex, I finally started to actually get more involved in BDSM. This being stated I may be able to help slightly, should it be wanted, possibly more. PM me if you wish to follow up on this.

btw, I see what he means with the whole Domme and Dom thing, but I agree with fetish. I have had Domme friends, and while they have helped, the one other Dom I know has helped me alot more than they have.

Alltough both my Owner and I have had other people train/mentor us at different times He has often said the best teachers he has ever had have allways been the submissive herself.

Who better to to help him explore his will to dominante than the one whom he is dominating?

I also stongly reccomend that your man join the site here and explore the forums with you as opposed to adopting himself under any one dominant regardless of thier sex (which btw has nothing to do with understanding a sub any better than thier haircolor would) (nor would his assuming the role of a submissive for a time under said dom` ~ another misconception argued in the comunity with no basis in actual fact).


Good luck and congratulations in finding your man interested in bringing to futition the dream of a good D/s relationship with you!!!!

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Originally Posted by denuseri

Alltough both my Owner and I have had other people train/mentor us at different times He has often said the best teachers he has ever had have allways been the submissive herself.

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Damn, you beat me to it. I was going to say that if you really want a mentor for him that will understand you, your best bet would be to seek out an wise female submissive (or perhaps a switch). Besides you, who else is going to understand your perspective better?

I want to thank everyone for thier input on this. You have given us alot to think about and to discuss.

He is joining the site soon, he has just been short on time this week.

Thanks again!

...and he might be a bit nervous about exposing you to another male dominant... lest you find him more to your liking.

Especially if you brought up the idea first.

Too true Oz, and for good reason.

I once had an older more experienced dom that was training my vanillia bf steal me right out from under him.

I was mentored by a dom. I have reservations about dommes - the ones I know well either all take male subs or - if they take female subs are extremely harsh on them.

Oz's comment is interesting - however, there is no need for his mentor to have anything to do with you - and on the other hand it comes down to trust between you and your dom: if you both want a serious relationship, then you will not let another person interfere with your relationship, will you?

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Originally Posted by denuseri

[B][I][COLOR="Pink"]
I also stongly reccomend that your man join the site here and explore the forums with you as opposed to adopting himself under any one dominant regardless of thier sex (which btw has nothing to do with understanding a sub any better than thier haircolor would) (nor would his assuming the role of a submissive for a time under said dom` ~ another misconception argued in the comunity with no basis in actual fact).

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Yes, this is why I presented my comment in a very neutral way - it is a controversial issue. I think the main thing that makes it controversial are some stories I have heard of unscrupulous Doms forcing a potential new Dom to serve them as a sub but not actually teaching them anything other than how to be a sub.

Oz's point is also a good one - there is always that fear in any man when he has a beautiful woman (and I am curious to your opinions of him playing with a Domme...). One thing that needs to be determined is what he means by 'being mentored' it can mean a range of things to different people. For example:

- Mentor and new Dom/me stay in remote communication talking about things. Mentor sends Dom/me ideas to try on his/her own sub but may not actually meet said sub or interact with them directly. Mentor does, however, remain 'on standby' in case the Dom/me wants to talk about anything. This level of mentorship can actually be done just as well by this forum and it is how some have used it in the past (see all the posts about 'what can I do to my submissive', 'is such and such a technique safe?' and so on). However, an individual you get on well with can be a trusted confidant and that is sometimes needed.

- Mentor is a professional of some form (usually Dommes here as I have never heard of a professional Dom) and they take on the new Domme as an apprentice. They come into their business, watch some sessions, help out in some sessions and then take on some clients of their own. After a while they may take on thier own clients in the Mentor's dungeon before branching out on thier own. A variant of this is some Dommes who offer sessions for inexperienced couples where they allow them access to the dungeon and may advise/help the Dominant partner. This is something you have to pay for, however.

- Mentor is a friend who lives close by and who takes on a very hands on role in tutoring both Dom and sub. This is the level where you need the most trust between all three participants.

There are probably other variants but these are the ones I can think of at present.

Again thanks for the input it is apperciated. We have talked about the issue of a Dom sneaking me away or him being consumed by another sub.

I have to admit that the first time in my adult life I am very secure in this relationship. We talk and talk alot, there is alot of respect and love there so I don't think that is a worry for us. We have been through alot and still always end up taking care of each other.

We are looking at joining a local club also, so maybe we will find a local, who knows.

May the search begin.

Thank you so much :)

If you have that much trust and you talk a lot then good for you. Keep it up and you may find that you actually don't need a mentor all that much - you will be effectively mentoring each other in your feedback and discussion from each session you share. Good luck with exploring the lifestyle and I hope you each learn a lot of good things.

I agree with fetishdj that a Domme is not the better choice. I also think that your boyfriend needs to take the initiative and find his own mentor. This is someone he has to feel comfortable talking to and interacting with. Joining the local club is a step in the right direction. He can learn a lot just from watching demos or scenes and talking to the tops afterwards. Until he makes friends, there is plenty out there for him to read.

As for me, I'm going the professional route because I want to learn how to do what she does and because she has been the friendliest, most generous Domme I've met so far, not putting on airs like the others. I've bottomed for her twice, and she's really good! I do actually know a Dom who does pro work, so they're out there but more rare than pro Dommes.