Trust and Honesty

I met a guy online. I hate the idea of falling in love with someone you've never met before in person, but I did. We were supposed to have had phone sex once, just to get each other off, but we kept talking and we fell in love with each other.

It's been 8 months now and things have completely changed for me. He introduced me to this life of control and submission. For a long time I was hesitant and couldn't imagine the idea of wanting to be owned property. I wanted to stay "normal" and we've had plenty of heartache and grief over me wanting to pull away from him for that reason. He comforted me and would stay on the phone for hours just listening to me cry. And not just about me being confused about wanting this lifestyle for myself but about my own problems with family, depression, etc.

I have aspirations of becoming a housewife for a successful man, cooking, cleaning. Of being his little girl, sucking my thumb and talking in a tiny voice. Of being a kitty on a leash and meowing for him, eating food that he has cummed on out of a bowl on the floor. Of being his personal fuckdoll, letting him use me whenever he wants. This is what I want now.

Only recently I've found out he has lied about his first and last name and his age. (He's only two years younger than he at first claimed but still a decade older than me.) He said he kept this from me because he has an ex-girlfriend who he was worried might hurt herself (as she's apparently been known to do) if she found out that he left her for another girl. He was planning to tell me this in August, for when he had bought plane tickets to fly down and spend a week with me in summer. Right before our first meeting. He only told me earlier because I pressured him to talk about something he was avoiding.

I was hurt. I felt like I had been writing love notes in class to a stranger. I've never lied to him, even when it was unbearably uncomfortable to tell the truth. And we've been talking for eight months. Eight months. He didn't feel guilty about lying to me that whole time? About lying to the girl he that he loved? I've opened up to him so much, more than any other person in my life. More than I have to myself and I get a fake name?

Not only that but when we had first started talking he had a buddy icon up of a headshot of a man with dark hair wearing a black polo. I never asked about it because I was too shy, but I had assumed that was him and I burned that image in my mind. This was the man I was in love with. The man I pictured every time I heard his voice.

But it wasn't. He send me a picture today. Abruptly, I didn't ask for it. I've never asked for a picture of him and when I saw, he was different. Now I feel as if I've fell in love with someone else, someone who doesn't even exist. I have these new needs and wants and no one to fulfill them.

I thought about staying with him. I thought, "these things don't change the person he is inside, Anna! The person that loves you!" But what if it does? We've had a completely online/phone relationship so who knows what else he has lied about. I'd like to believe he hasn't, that that was it, but how can I be sure? And if we continued, we'd still be in different time zones for almost 2 years before we could be together physically besides short visits. If we could be in person then I'd know exactly who he was, he wouldn't be able to hide from me like he can so easily now.

I'm heartbroken. I gave this man so much of myself just to realize that he's been fooling me. I feel like I am some naive, young girl who let herself be taken advantage of at a weak moment.

Anna

Oh sweetie. I'm not going to give you any advice - you will decide what to do based on your own thoughts and feelings. But, if you choose to leave him, just know that he is not the only man who can be what you need and want.

I rarely give out 'online hugs' but here's one for you.

~big hug~
jeanne

Trust and honesty are very important.

The big question I have is this - How would his ex girlfriend have found out about him being with you if he gave you his REAL information? I don't know about anyone else, but when I first start dating someone, I don't plaster their REAL information all over the net and tell everyone so how would the ex have found out? The way I see it is she'd only have found out if HE TOLD HER.

I am big on being paranoid and analyzing each and every question possible about each and every situation. I've been accused of over analyzing but it has helped me to not be so heartbroken when I actually follow my own advice from analyzing the situation.

My fiance has lied to me so many times and has done things behind my back the past 2 years we've been back together. To be honest, he doesn't have my 100% trust. He's lucky if he has 50%. I now monitor his computer usage, phone calls, etc. If I start to feel like something more is going on, I'll be putting up cameras. As you can see, I'm not one to let someone break my heart. We ALL deserve the truth about things, especially from our loved ones so for me - if I feel like I'm being lied to, I'll find out for myself. Point blank.

Anyways. As a suggestion, you could just continue to have a friendship with him for the next couple of years. Whenever you two can see each other on an everyday basis then you could see where things lead. It sounds like he helped you quite a bit, no matter what his name, age, or looks are. So you could at least have a friend for the time being and who knows, over time of being good friends you may fall in love with the REAL him. The most important thing though is to follow your heart. Don't let anyone put you on a guilt trip or pressure you to be with him. Do what is best for you and your feelings. In the ends, that is the most important - YOU!

Good luck on what ever you decide to do. :)

He said that when she visits him she goes through his phone and his email. Actually, I really don't understand that myself because she's not going to notice that he's been calling me so often and blocking his number?

I never got to have his real phone number either. He said that he wouldn't know how to explain to someone at work about me if I called him on a business trip (where he's often around coworkers.) I offered to not call him when he was away on business trips or I mean, if he couldn't talk he could just not answer.

And even if he was concerned about me not knowing his name and age he could have told me that he couldn't give me his real name because he was protecting an ex-girlfriend. But he let me believe that was his real name for so long.

All of this stuff together just makes me really suspicious now. It makes me feel like he's really hiding from me and lying to me on purpose. I can't trust him anymore and I think that trust and honesty are very important in real life relationships and that much more important in online relationships because online you have a much easier ability to lie about things you couldn't in person.

I think your best bet would be to sit down and talk with him and tell him how you are feeling. For me, having been lied to it destroyed how I felt about the person. I forgave him once but I still had in the back of my head..is he telling me the truth or is this just another lie that I have to figure out. I don't know what to tell you other than to follow your heart and really sit down and think about things through.

I have this thing that if someone is being honest with you they won't block their number, etc. I have told people this that I view this as a step in not being fake. I am not saying he is a fake but maybe you need to look down that avenue as well.

I am sorry that you are hurt and please know..there are many other Doms out there who will make you feel the way you want to. Be it someone online or even a local munch to help you get into the swing of things and know people locally in the lifestyle. The internet allows someone to be whoever they want to be and you don't really know some one till you meet them in person.

Amanda

I am with jeanne regarding the fact that he is not the only man who can be your dom, and a good one at that.

For me, personally, lying stinks. I don´t believe that other woman is his "ex-girlfriend", either. I think it more likely that she will _become_ his ex once he has you for sure.
No, I don´t know either of you. But I have seen that happen a few times r/l to friends.

Look, I am not into the whole "my partner checks all my mails and my phone and therefore I cannot tell you anything" bullshit argumentation.
If she actually IS his ex, which right would she have to go through his correspondence? Zero.
Now if she has zero right to do that, and he does not only let her get away with it, but falls over his own feet trying to hide anything she might dislike... does that sound like a dom? No. It does not even sound like a man. It sounds like a douchebag with no spine.
Do you wish to submit r/l to a douchebag with no spine?

And IF that other girl is prone to hurt herself, she will do so no matter what the reason for him leaving her is.
But I don´t buy that, either.

Call me cynical, but I have learned to develop a healthy mistrust toward people who give oh-so-noble reasons for not being able to tell the truth.

I think he served you a load of bullshit and lies. Yes, it is nice that he spent so much time on you. But there are people out there who have their own reasons for being helpful, not all of them nice.

And much as I hate to say it: The arguments he is using on you for not being allowed to call him at work etc. are all the argumentations married men use on their mistresses, in order to keep them "invisible".

Do what your heart tells you. And let me say it is my opinion that trust and honesty are present from the beginning of a D/S relationship, not starting somewhere halfway through it.

Best wishes and good luck, I hope you find someone who really is worthy of you, your time and your life.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Arria

I am with jeanne regarding the fact that he is not the only man who can be your dom, and a good one at that.

I don´t believe that other woman is his "ex-girlfriend", either.

Call me cynical, but I have learned to develop a healthy mistrust toward people who give oh-so-noble reasons for not being able to tell the truth.

And much as I hate to say it: The arguments he is using on you for not being allowed to call him at work etc. are all the arguments married men use on their mistresses, in order to keep them "invisible".

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There's some good but painful truths in this post. Read it again. Accents are mine.

I've seen this scenario play out time after time. I've become especially cynical toward those of my gender that all too often play similar games trying to get their little dicks wet. Keep in mind that there is a certain subset that equates "submissive" with a much easier path to getting laid.

I have to agree with both Dr BuzzCzar and Arria. Something happened to me online that was very similar. No relationship let alone a BDSM one can exist when someone you gave your trust to betrays it so thoroughly. If you continue on with him the questions about his honesty will always be there.

You sound an intelligent and willing girl, and you deserve someone who will fulfill the needs you've recently discovered properly and honestly, and in the way in which your own honesty and trust deserve.

HUGS you tight!!

Way too many time have i heard this same exact plight, alltough ussually its from the girl that has allready been dumped for another girl or the guy turned out to be married.

I am so sorry you have had to find out that this guy is a faker etc or at the very least playing you. Ive seen too many a guy string one girl along online while stringing another along in real life, (sometimes more than one and even sometimes more than one girl from the site at the same time) smh

And as others have said before me here, both girls loose in the end becuase one has her heart broken right away and the other gets the displeasure of having a less than honnorable partner who is very lickely to betray them in the future as thier dom.

You are at least fortunate enough to find out that he may not be all that and a bag of chips before actually seeing him in real life and truely making yourself vulnerable to his whims and getting even more messed up over this or worse.

Remember some of us are not so lucky, some of us had no forewarning and or barely survived or worse disapeared/ killed/ kidnapped etc due to direputable types we encounter becuase the prick that strung us along and made us fall in love and run off to meet them all ga ga in the head like was really a monster in disguise the whole time.

Personally IMHO I wouldnt bother wasting the precious gift of your submission with this guy anymore, he sounds like a player of some type and there are plenty of real dominants that have real honnor out there waiting in the ranks that will cheerish you more than they do themselves.

As they say in these parts "Girl up my sisa" I will keep you in my prayers and good luck for you, remember to allways be safe first and kinky second.

There are plenty of reasons not to give out your "real" information when starting an online relationship. Even if you really are a single, stand-up kinda' person truly searching for a meaningful relationship, it pays to be sensible. However, you can be cautious without lying.

Don't wanna give your real name? Say so. Tell your prospective partner you're not comfortable with that yet and online you go by "insert alias here."

Don't wanna share your real birthday and age? Say so. "I'm in my early thirties, I prefer not to give an exact date."

There's no excuse for outright lies, and the fact that you're hurt and upset to the point of posting about this points to the fact you know something smells in Denmark, as they say. Good luck, I think in your heart you know how to proceed.

i feel so bad for you hon!
i don't normally give advice about this kinda thing, i think people need to make their own choices, but i will say this:

lying about his age is ridiculous, why like about 2 years? make a big lie, a good one, he should have said he was 8 years younger or something.

besides that, everyone is right he isn't the only dom in the world.

and this is my big thing, imho in bdsm TRUST is the most important component. i mean how does this guy expect you to let him tie you up, spank you, (fill in your favorite activity) if you don't trust him.
if i don't trust someone i won't even sleep with them, let alone allow them to dominate me, and put me in a situation for potential danger. bdsm (to me) is so much more personal than sex, if i am going to submit to someone and try to please them, and bare my soul to them, i have to trust them. if he isn't concerned enough to be honest with you, how will he be concerned enough to listen to your safeword or respect your limits? you know what i mean?

Agree with all the thoughtful answers already written. Adding my own, Amber's point about being 'vague' about personal information can be considered sensible but outright lying about it... FOR EIGHT MONTHS seems extremely suspicious. Also, I've been around coworkers who have gotten phone calls. I didn't need an "explanation" from them about who was calling. That is a lame excuse.

What is important is knowing that the trust you had in this person no longer exists and you know what to do based on that. Also, try not to be too hard on yourself, as so many of us are out there looking for special people and it's easier than most people think to get caught up in something deceptive. There are lots of guys out there who can give you what you need, help you find the true submissive inside you, and all while doing it legit!

I've been burned now about twice in bdsm world, as also before I started getting on here too. I am to trusting and found out pretty much that the person had about 3 profiles with different ages and had all one would believe to be who he claimed to be but no and when it was all said and done He was gone no nothing. It makes you want to just call it done and over and stay in a hidden life let the guys that you date just think that your kinky and keep how you really feel closed up or at least it feels that way to me. I'm not feeling so great right now and will say that You just have to do what is right for you. Find the path that works for you and really really be careful because there is a lot of jerks out there.

Just a word... if it's someone on here w/3 different DOBs, let an Admin know. We can't prevent assholes, but we can certainly stop rule breakers...

Best of luck, bev.