Questions about Sadism

I am posting this conversation I am having with a new member with her permission. She is interested in understanding Sadism and I feel that a variety of viewpoints would serve her better than just one. I have blocked out her user name for her privacy until she chooses to join the conversation.

Subject : sadism

Hola TwistedTails,

I'm new to the site and trying to learn. Ever since I became curious about bdsm the Sadist Dom has scared me. I think of a Dom that wants to hurt me and my wish is to run away. I think I'm confused. Would you talk with me about what a Sadist Dom is? Why He enjoys inflicting pain? I have questions. Maybe I'm trying to understand me as well.

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Howdy **************,

I can only speak for myself, but I would be happy to answer your questions. Actually I think the message you sent me would make a great thread starter in the forums. That way you could also get a variety of views on the subject.

Here are a couple of links on the subject of Sadism you may find interesting.

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/sh...ad.php?t=17452
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/sh...ad.php?t=12856
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=2818

feel free to ask me anything.

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Thank you for replying Sir :-)
I don't know what threads are. I'm new here. I'm just really curious about Sadism. It scares me and i want to understand it because a part of me likes it maybe i mean some pain and honestly I'm afraid of that and even submission. Does that make sense?
I don't know if there are different types of sadistic Dom/mes. And how do they know when to stop? And what drives the need to inflict pain? I don't even know why I think I like it a lil or even if what I am curious about is sadistic.
So how do I pose these questions Sir? In a way that doesn't sound dumb.

Gracias
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Greetings **************,

Threads are just discussions in the forum, If you were to click one of the links I sent in the last message, it would take you to the "thread" or conversation that it links to.

Sadists come in many many types, from the casual sadist or "practical joker" to the criminally insane sadist and everything in between. I myself am in between. I label myself as a Sensual Sadist, because I use pain to enhance pleasure.

How to know when to stop? One, stop when you reach your goal. Example... I set a goal of 20 orgasms wearing labia clamps, I stop when she has had them. Two, She has reached a limit and cannot safely continue. or, Three it is not having the desired results. (it happens).

What drives the need to inflict pain? Control. Pain play is a very powerful submission. that is why you see so much of it blended into Domination and Submission. Many people who would never believe themselves to be sadistic or masochistic, yet they play with nipple clamps, abrasion, spanking or humiliation. all of these things fall into the realm of the sadomasochist.

How to pose your questions without sounding dumb? You have already done that. The questions you asked me were very good questions. I can only hope that the answers I have given are useful to you.

I am only one person, one view, one opinion, I encourage you to explore your interest in this topic. If you like, I could open a topic in the forum using our conversation so far to start it off. I certain that it would draw in a few more people who will also be happy to give you their point of view and offer assistance in your explorations.

Regards,
Bear.

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Hola Sir ,

Thakn you for taking the time to reply.
And thanks for explaining what threads are :-)
I see pain is used to enhance pleasure Sir. Is this how a sub
reaches subspace?
Sir I was surprised to read anyone could reach 20 orgasms. That's amazing!

The way you explain how a sadist Dom knows when to stop makes so much sense. Reached limits, desired reuslt or it's not working at all. Sir when it's not working and you need to stop, is it because it's not working for you or your sub? If it works for you and not the sub is the sub to take it?

Sir, I never thought there's a bit of a sadist in all dominants and a bit of masochist in all subs. It makes sense to me now Sir. If I need a spanking or need bondage etc then I have a little of a masochist in me. If my Dom likes to give it to me and enjoys my reaction, then he has some sadist in him.

I guess it all depend on needs and balancing those needs? Just meeting the right Dom and for the Dom meeting the right sub.

Sir I'm feeling a little less scared of Sadist Doms. I know unless you are a slave and give up all rights to your dominant it doesn't have to be scary with the right One. Well, maybe scary mixed with pleasure...

Bear Sir I would love it if you opened up the topic. I'm curious about the range of sadism. How to know which one is right for you when you don't have much experience at all? Do you ask how they play and what interests them?

What if the dominant says, "Ok I like bondage, whipping" and you think you might want to try that not knowing how far the bondage and whipping will go. How do you keep safe and learn the range?

Some o/l want submission right away and I've learned they don't know themselves so well. Master is not just a name. Sir I can say out of respect (smiles) Leading or accepting submission is not just about sex... at least that's how I feel. I guess for others it is and it works.

I'm going to check the threads you sent me Sir. If you do open the topic, will you let me know where so I can read it and learn?

Thank you!
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Greetings **************

I have opened the thread for you and I am placing this reply in it.

Pain is one way of reaching subspace, others only need to be pushed emotionally to reach it, luckily there are many very good threads on subspace in the library. I'm sure you will find them enlightening. I am glad you are feeling a little less scared of Sadist Doms. Scary with pleasure mixed in is good, but you should never have to fear even if you were a slave. My Jewel is owned and marked, but she does not fear me. She knows I would never cause her real harm as she is precious to me.

You asked "If it works for you and not the sub is the sub to take it?" Yes, I would expect her to endure for my pleasure up to the limit of her ability to do so. You should already know from talking with a potential partner what their interests are, and a good Dom will take the time to help you find yours. They will give you tools like safe words to help you become comfortable and remain safe.

I can not say much concerning online submission as I have never practiced it, but I do not believe you should call someone Master or Mistress unless you wish them to be yours and then only after they have earned your trust and respect.

You said "Sir I was surprised to read anyone could reach 20 orgasms. That's amazing! " My reply is that, I can see you have much to learn , and I suspect you will enjoy the journey. :)

Regards,
Bear

Very good thread, TT. I hope your sub friend finds it useful.

My Master is a sadist and it is indeed all about control. Control is what makes the difference between abusive sadism and the consensual BDSM variety. My Master gets great sexual pleasure from inflicting pain on me - which is why he's a sadist, of course - although I don't take equal masochistic delight in it. My deep submissive pleasure comes from my surrender to his wishes. Your friend, TT, will find her own responses to pain in due course, safely and happily, I hope.

The thing is, my Master can't enjoy what he does unless he's in control of it. What we do is therefore ritualised, drawn out, savoured - managed. What he does is designed to hurt me, but I can feel confident it's never going to harm me in any way or go too far. (You can always take more pain than you think you can, but that's for another thread.) I always feel controlled, looked after, well managed. I can trust my Master absolutely in this. For instance, he has never had to, nor will he ever have to apologise for 'going too far'. If that were ever the case, just once, all trust would be lost. He's interested in pushing around the edges of my pain tolerances, but the whole process is only pleasurable and meaningful to him if it's done in a controlled, measured and sane way than if he just 'beat the crap out of me'.

I wish your friend safe exploration with a good and wise Dom, TT.

Regards,

Pearlgem x x

We've been living together 11 years. My J doesn't fear me as she knows she'll never be purposefully harmed. She fears, hates, and needs the pain. She's a classic masochist. She gets sexual pleasure from the pain. Orgasms from breast torture, cropping, etc as an example. I need to inflict pain. The power rush, the sexual arousal, the absolute knowledge that I am in control of myself despite my desire to go much further, all add up for me. I find it very unsatisfactory to have sex without inflicting some level of pain on my partner. We match perfectly. It took both of us years and many mistakes to find each other. I'm inclined to be closer to that dangerous end of the sadistic spectrum as opposed to the casual, so testing my control regularly is a big deal to me.

As a newbie, be overly careful, it's your life, your body, and your psyche so go slowly and trust your gut, not your pussy or his smooth words. The single biggest mistake I've seen over the years from folks newer to this stuff we do is going way too fast way too soon.

I think you are asking all the right questions, and they are really more about yourself than about other people. Please learn how to navigate the site and how to post your own comments on threads (individual comments are called "posts"), and then please read all you can. If you choose to engage in individual conversations with people, I would strongly urge you to speak to many people, get many perspectives, and not rush into online "play" or any kind of commitments until you have gotten your bearings. Should you decide to meet someone in person, please research how to do this in the safest manner possible.

With regard to the sadist dom then: A lot of what people do in the realm of bdsm involves what is called "power exchange". It's what it sounds like. You, as the submissive, CHOOSE to cede a certain amount of your autonomy over your experience to another person, the dominant, and he or she CHOOSES to accept that. You and s/he NEGOTIATE the limits of that exchange, its duration in time (just for one "scene" or for your whole lives, or anything in between) and the extent of the power that you are ceding.

This means that if you don't want to experience pain, you don't have to. You are not granting the other person the power to hurt you. If you want to experience some kinds of pain but not others, that's up to you too. You negotiate these things in advance, when you still have equal power, so that once your scene begins you can both enjoy the fact that, WITHIN THE BOUNDARIES THAT YOU HAVE NEGOTIATED, you are no longer in control of your experience. But you do have the power, at any time and even if you are a "slave", to end the power exchange. You have given your consent to it and you can withdraw your consent at any time. This is what safe words are for.

So this sadism that frightens you is just another way that someone can exercise the power over your experience that you have given to him or her. Some people enjoy the actual infliction of pain, and some people enjoy receiving it. Other people use pain as a symbol of the control that the Dom/me has, and the acceptance of that pain as a symbol of your submission to him or her. But these aren't the only ways to symbolize the power exchange. It can be done by, for example, controlling your behavior (what you wear and how you speak), by casting you in the role of a social inferior (a youngster or a servant), by causing you to feel certain emotions (helplessness, humiliation). There's an extensive menu at this restaurant, so please don't feel that if one thing doesn't appeal to you, then there's nothing there for you. Sample carefully, take small tastes, and you'll find what you like.

But I can't stress enough: No one is an expert. Even if you feel that you're a sub, and I know that you want to exhibit respect for the Doms you meet, you need to decide what makes sense for you. Please don't let anyone tell you what's right for you, or that you're not a "real" sub if you don't do this or that. A "real" Dom will extend you the courtesy of respecting your needs.

- L.

Well said, leah. Thank you for taking the time to write this. :)

Excellent explanation and way to show what this forum is all about TwistedTails. I agree with much that has been said. To me Sadism is a means to an end and much incorporated into our BDSM world today. I know I often use pain in training and disciplining of my little Kitten. However she is a pain slut. Many of the true masochists left are referred to(at least in my world) as pain sluts.

Hello Everyone. I've been following this thread and wanted to thank everyone for their input. It's been really helpful to me. Sadism is less scary to me now. I'm understanding my own needs better though I know I won't fully know until I try some role playing r/l.

Ok it's my first time posting anything and I feel shy. Silly I know.
Thanks again!