Negotiation Tips

I am posting this for both Doms and subs. I believe that getting the point of view from both is equally important.

It has occured to me that there are an alarming number to new people in the lifestyle who just jump right into D/s relationships without actually discussing their limits. I thought that perhaps we could help them a bit in their learning to let them know some of the things we discussed before our relationships started.

So the question is:

What are some of the things that you discussed with your submissive before you agreed to take on the responsiblity of accepting their submittance (real word?), in all things, without argument? What would be some things that you would tell a new Dom to make sure they found out before hand?

I like to know their limits, but truth be told, I use the checklist more for getting some hints to their likes and fantasies. I pay more attention to the fours and fives than to the No-No items.

I answer questions about the terms not understood. IF I happen to see a four or five that is one of my limits, I warn them that I don't do that kind of play... because as nice as having a new partner can be... if they're not going to be satisfied as well, it is going to be a lukewarm relationship.

I also make sure they are comfortable and understand that I am married and that relationship is inviolate... Again, better to be up front. The occassional early walk-away is worth not having to go through a painful break-up later. I also want to know if they are in the same situation or not.

Occassionally it is not that formal... and I've found myself at play with someone I've only just met... perhaps a party... perhaps just a lot of chemistry. On those occassions, much of the play is in the form of demonstrating the subtler aspects and slowly discovering limits by tantalizing and teasing them verbally about what I'm going to do next... and gauging the reaction as we work up to it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by satisfied

What are some of the things that you discussed with your submissive before you agreed to take on the responsiblity of accepting their submittance (real word?), in all things, without argument? What would be some things that you would tell a new Dom to make sure they found out before hand?

---

I like to have as much information on hand before we meet. Gathering it usually takes place over time in chat/email/phone and always includes having a questionnaire filled out. I'm quite happy to share mine with them as well so they know where my mind is at (surprisingly, there are some who do not ask for this). From this document I can usually tell what their hard and soft limits are and what things are more or less of interest to them. Even more important is information regarding health issues, including past experiences negative and positive, injuries, STDs, etc. It is the non-sexual stuff that can really trip you up unexpectedly, so its important to be aware of emotional health as well.

I like to use this document (the questionnaire) when we first play, just to re-cap limits and to bring up some techniques or play that may not have been discussed. It can be fun to structure this as an 'interrogation', but its important to not get too far into it as a scene so the sub feels safe to discuss things before getting too deep into her role. I will 'over-negotiate' on the first meeting, meaning no immediate play without discussion.

As to the specifics of your question, I want to talk to them about pain, bondage, and humiliation, and their specific limits and attractions involving these areas. Of course negotiation can be an endless circle, so at some point its time to shut-up and do.