Trust... how does it fit in your life?

I sit here pondering the things important to me, as I often find myself doing when I can't sleep, and one thing stands out in my mind right now... Trust, and how it fits into the BDSM lifestyle.

For my part, I just cannot see any way around the personal fact that it is at the heart of everything that BDSM represents. How else could our charges find the will to allow us at the top of our hierarchy practice the things we do upon their often helpless bodies and minds, without having complete trust that we will not take things one single step farther than they are physically or psychologically capable of handling.

It has been presented to me that Consent rules our lifestyle. While I cannot argue that it plays a huge part in it, I cannot fathom how even Consent can exist in a relationship of any nature, without Trust.

Love, Consent, Lasting Relationships, Friendships... they all blossom from a foundation of Trust.

Betray a friend's trust and you'll soon find yourself lacking the companionship of that friend, unless you're lucky to have one who's forgiving. Break it enough times, however, and they'll move on to greener pastures.

Betray the love of one you hold dear and you'll find yourself in a similar, if not identical situation.

Lasting relationships are yet another example of how a lack of trust can break even the strongest bonds.

Consent... now that is something that I cannot begin to imagine existing without the presence of trust. Doctors receive consent from patients on a daily basis to perform seemingly outlandish procedures that are based on cutting-edge medicine and technology, based upon the trust of that patient that the doctor will not bring an untimely end to their life, and that the procedure will do them good and bring them back into a healthy state. I could continue to state examples here, all regarding consent, and all possessing at least a tiny seed of trust somewhere within the heart of the person giving said consent, but it would only be redundant.

My question is this... how have each of you come to realize your trust, and how dear to your heart is that trust, how strong is it that you would put your safety in the hands of another?

More importantly, how necessary is it to the lifestyle that you lead, in your own eyes? Could you put your safety in the hands of your Dom/me, Master, or Mistress without it? Is your need to serve so great that you would abandon all notions of trust to have that need met, regardless of the consequences?

For those of you who would hold the collar and command the one who wears it... what does trust mean to you? Could you give your time to one not worthy of your trust? Or is it something so dear to you as well, that you would cast the one aside who wears your collar were they to betray that precious trust?

To me personally, the foundations of what I have built between myself and my slave are built upon communication. That communication leads to trust, and consent. A person shouldn't blindly trust someone, not even a Dr. In this lifestyle, we don't have a school that teaches us the things we do, we don't get certificates, we don't get where we are on the approval of a general body of people. So we must build that within the relationships we hold with those who submit to us.

To me, trust and consent are dependent on communication. We must feed trust and consent with constant communication. Not doing so, doubt will begin to enter, and the trust will fade, and the consent will leave.

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Originally Posted by The Lord Winter

My question is this... how have each of you come to realize your trust, and how dear to your heart is that trust, how strong is it that you would put your safety in the hands of another?

More importantly, how necessary is it to the lifestyle that you lead, in your own eyes? Could you put your safety in the hands of your Dom/me, Master, or Mistress without it? Is your need to serve so great that you would abandon all notions of trust to have that need met, regardless of the consequences?

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I'm fairly new to all of this, but I too can't sleep and this topic struck me.

With him, trust grew from friendship and the fact he's accepted and been nurturing when I've opened up and shared things with him. We've been honest with each other, and since at the very base of what we have is a strong friendship, I know he cares about my well being. I trust him with my physical...and more importantly emotional...well being, otherwise there would be no way I would feel like seeing or opening up to him in anything more than a superficial and safe manner. We're both people, and both need to trust the other, otherwise the risk of getting hurt is to great. To trust each other that we won't hurt the other is the only way to have a relationship.

I don't think I would be willing to put my safety in the hands of someone I didn't trust not to go to far. Because I was abused when I was younger, the threat of lasting mental harm (as well as anything physical that could happen) gives me a cold sweat at the idea of even playing with someone I don't trust. There's just no way. The body heals (for the most part), but the mind always carries scars.

For me there is nothing without trust, I trusted my Dom with my heart, mind, soul & body and he never let me/us down.

I have recently realised what a heavy responsibilty that must be for a Dom; to be so controlled in play, to be so emotionally tuned into his sub that her well being is paramount to him.

A treasured gift he bestows on her.

AP

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Originally Posted by The Lord Winter

Love, Consent, Lasting Relationships, Friendships... they all blossom from a foundation of Trust.

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These are very important components of each relationship, no matter the type of relationship. Personally I am looking for a long lasting friendship first, then something more intimate can develop, if it happens then thats all well and good but it if stays with a friendship then thats great also. I think everyone who wants a relationship wants those things included, but its hard to find sometimes and when you are looking theres somehing that sometimes just doesnt seem right about the person but you ignore and continue until it doesnt work out.

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Originally Posted by The Lord Winter

Betray a friend's trust and you'll soon find yourself lacking the companionship of that friend, unless you're lucky to have one who's forgiving. Break it enough times, however, and they'll move on to greener pastures.

For those of you who would hold the collar and command the one who wears it... what does trust mean to you? Could you give your time to one not worthy of your trust? Or is it something so dear to you as well, that you would cast the one aside who wears your collar were they to betray that precious trust?

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I dont hold a collar but that doesnt mean i cant answer the question because a lot of us who dont have a collar can answer and unless its a collar only wearing section, hehe...
but anyway....I have been my time to one who wasnt truely worthy of my trust, more so in vanilla relationships. Its very hard because we want something so badly that we are willing to over look certain traits, even bad traits.


In order my me to even think about being part of someones household i'll have to remember myself and my self worth so i would need to know what i am looking for in a mate. I also would need to knwo that i need to have someone that i can trust and who can trust me. I have issues with trust, LARGE issues with letting go and being the submissives that i know i can. Personally I am still fighting those and i am working on them and i will resovled them as time goes on but they will get better.
Now from a Tops perpective, if i couldnt trust the boy i was with then i couldnt be with him. If he wasnt able to try to be honest then we will have a problem because I do consider myself to be easy going, very reasonable at times. So if a boy couldnt handle that with the truth, and respect then its time to go!

Excellent responses everyone. Keep them coming.

I don't have a collar either, but it's so important in every relationship we keep and it works in mysterious ways. I recently ended a vanilla relationship that lasted for three years and could say I trusted him - I trusted that he cared about me, I trusted that he wouldn't cheat on me, I trusted him with most secrets like I would a best friend. But then your question made me realize that, even though I trusted him in these areas, I didn't trust him enough to tell him that I needed the sex to change and that I wanted to explore BDSM (and that I had experimented with it when I was younger). Funny, thinking about it now.

Now, with my current partner, we are working through so many layers of trust its almost unsettling. We've been friends for 10 years (met online when we were young and exploring BDSM). Because we've been friends for so long and have seen each other through various stages of life, I think we trust each other as much as close friends can - which is a great deal! Now that we are shifting to a Dom/sub relationship, it's even more intense because I am learning to trust Him with my body, mind, fantasies and, because that foundation has already been built and feelings are there, my heart. For Him, he is learning to trust His control when we play, as well as my reaction in the sense I won't freak out on Him (since we are both kinda new in r/l). I am sure there are other trust issues for Him, but I don't want to assume...

Considering the importance of our friendship, we both need to trust in each other that we won't do anything to ruin it at the end of the day. I think this is the hardest part - and its probably the reason we never got serious in the past.

A couple thoughts:

Emphasis on collars: as has been discussed on many many threads- who does and doesn't have a collar (or has given one) is not much of an indicator of anything.

Who trusts: all the emphasis so far has been on the trust coming from the sub, and the dom/me simply being trustworthy. Personally, developing trust has been a HUGE process for me, developing domme. Trusting myself, trusting that I can do what I set out to do, trusting that this is not a game, trusting that my him is genuine... Its hard!

And, developing that trust is what led me to get him a collar.

*chuckles softly* Perhaps I should learn to be less literal in my speech. It was not the physical collar that I was referring to when I spoke of "Those of you on this side of the collar or that". I was referring to the collar as the dividing line between Dom and sub, Master and slave.

To any extent, thanks for the replies so far. The words from all of you are enlightening. I look forward to reading more still.

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Originally Posted by Guera

Who trusts: all the emphasis so far has been on the trust coming from the sub, and the dom/me simply being trustworthy. Personally, developing trust has been a HUGE process for me, developing domme. Trusting myself, trusting that I can do what I set out to do, trusting that this is not a game, trusting that my him is genuine... Its hard!

And, developing that trust is what led me to get him a collar.

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It is interesting how we, as Dom/mes find it difficult to trust ourselves, is it not, Guera? For all our fire and bluster, it is absolutely fascinating at how we second guess ourselves at times, in even the most simple of circumstances where our treasured charges are concerned. I find that hesitance keeps me honest.

What of the rest of you?

>My question is this... how have each of you come to realize your trust, and how dear to your heart is that trust, how strong is it that you would put your safety in the hands of another?

More importantly, how necessary is it to the lifestyle that you lead, in your own eyes? Could you put your safety in the hands of your Dom/me, Master, or Mistress without it? Is your need to serve so great that you would abandon all notions of trust to have that need met, regardless of the consequences?<

Trust is the most important thing in any relationship in my opinion, even more so in our lifestyle. I trust him explicitly, no questions asked. Trust of course develops over time and hopefully becomes stronger. As an example, my life is literally in his hands at times since we both enjoy breath play (me especially), that would not be possible for me without complete trust. What helps is that he has been in the lifestyle for 25 Years, one does tend to be more relaxed about certain types of play when with an experienced partner.
Would I abandon the need for trust in pursuit of having my need to be dominated meet?
No I don’t think I would, having said that however I was never in a situation in my kink life were I even had to think about that.
Lucky me

From the leash holder's perspective, trust has become more and more of an issue for me as time passes. There's a grim realization in just how many past relationships, even the most close and strong of ones, have ended in the breaking of trust.

So where does that lead? Incrimentalization. We very quickly start rationing our trust. Segmenting off degrees of trust and who will get them. Much of this can be an unconscious process, but for many there's an increasingly fixed set of tiers for trust levels. From those you know NEVER to trust, those who you're suspicious of, and those people you've never met, to your friends, family, and loved ones who have some basic notion of trust - knowingly or not, we sort the people of the world into these often unlabeled and extremely fluid categories.

Which of your friends from work would you invite to Thanksgiving if they were alone?
Which of your friends would you let borrow your car?
Who do you know that you'd trust with a spare key to your house?

All these questions and many more form the pseudo-labels on our levels of trust.
And in the regard, trust isn't a single dimension measure.
We might trust the the 15 year old babysitter down the street to watch the kids for a few hours, but we won't trust her to drive your car.
We might trust our best friend from highschool to drive our car, but would NEVER leave our kids with them.

Trust is multi-dimensional like that. It's an inter-tangled web of variables and situations that form a complex net from which we view our world.

And if you picture your "trust web" with thicker strands where trust exists and missing strands where it doesn't, you'll start to be able to see a picture reflecting yourself. Many younger webs may be pretty and well rounded, even pristine in their appearance.
Older webs quickly begin to have missing spots. Dark regions encapsulating pain and betrayal. At the same time, the older webs, if they're lucky, have a few thick strands that stand out above the rest. In all the turmoil, in all the patchwork of failed relationships and broken promises, those thick strands represent the people in our lives that have been ever-present. Those who we hold dear to us, who have in their own actions helped give us the threads that form the foundation of our lives.

When it comes to meeting new people, the more holes the web has, the more easily they'll slip past. The faster we are to let others pass through us without notice. And yet, even with a spotted web of older age with barely any threads left; every now and then a person comes by and sticks all the same. And when they do, they start to add their own threads. The more vacant the web, the harder it is to start adding to it too - there's so little to hold on to - but if they manage to, if they stick around; well... that's how we begin to heal.

My web has many holes - even one so large and so central to my web that I thought the web would collapse completely. Then, as if fate deemed it so and karma deemed it just, a friend found her way into my web. She's still working her way around the outer edge, slowly adding strands here and there, but she's there, adding a strand at a time, a day at a time.

This is how we heal.