Humiliation where to stop

Humiliation

I have looked through the threads on the Submissive's couch, and Q&A for submissive's but I cannot find this question being asked before, but if it is somewhere other than those two places then I apologise for duplicating.

I asked this question last night in chat, but I think after everyone tried to answer, it was found to be a little too involving and complicated for a quick answer. Where do you as a submissive draw the line at public or private humiliation, either in game inside or outside the home? Actual or verbal what would you not do under any circumstances, think extreme. Bearing in mind that private humiliation in my question involves one other person to be present, and they could be either male or female. The question may be answered in part or in full.

Regards ian 2411

Well first off I am not the one drawing the line, my Owner is.
lol

He has the line drawn at directly involving others who are not in our circle of friends etc beyound a certian point; or playing with me in such a manner that would jepordize my safety as his property, or in any way that would reflect poorly upon his auctoritas and dignatus.

For instance, at a goth bar I may only be cuffed, leashed, publically kneeling, etc only light bondafge references, though lots of fettish wear sometimes/ but when in some other appropriate enviroment (some SCA functions, bdsm cons, fettish balls, private homes or clubs etc) one may find me in various states of more serious "humiliation play" publicly leashed on all fours, exposed, slaped, spit on, used in plain site and or shared or made to "preform".

What extreme is reached during any of the above will have a lot to do with his personal preferences at the time and what he considers to be appropriate for the situation.

Being a very kink private person, I do know that he doesnt wish for our fun to be made known to our family or non-kink friends or employers etc; so quite naturally he doesnt ever take me for a "walk" out on the open street naked with a cherry red butt plug protruding from my ass and the words "cum dumpster slut $5 fuck any hole" written on me, or anything like that.

Now for as when I was a submissive it was for the most part very similar (though I was a wilder child back in the day so sometimes it was a little more raunchy and very public at times) but was basically alllways something I felt as if I could stop or say "NO" to if it made me uncomfortable. (this is of course not counting those times when my trust was violated against my will)

So basically for any submissive I would say, once the humiliation reaches a point at which you are no longer turned on or comfortable by being humiliated that perhaps you should consider putting a stop to it.

Saying no at anytime during play or otherwise not withstanding; one should be establishing hard limits about humiliation up front, just as most people may not like skat, animals etc etc involved in their bdsm life they may also wish to avoid certian levels of humilation and or exhibitsion etc.

Other than being just plain exciting (I am a big time humili slut) humiliation is also sometimes used as a training technique to help confer focus and trust unto one's submissive and or potential slave. By repetition in different scenarios a sub builds trust in his or her dominant, when the dominant in question doesnt force the sub to go beyound those preagreed levels. Focus is achieved as well, during humiliation play, unless a dominant is being indulgent, or simply prefers to see their sub plead and baulk at some commands, the sub eventually can learn to stop worrying about the eyes of others and focus on their dominant and the task at hand instead.

Well said denuseri. Communication is always important, especially in an area such as this. Since everyone is different, humiliation works differently with each of us. For me, there are certain things that are on my hard limit list because of past abuse(not in this l/s). i am very upfront about it so my Sir/Master is aware of course. Some like being slapped in the face or spit upon and get turned on by this type of humiliation. Not me. Slapping my face would most get a reaction like cowering and/or bursting into terrified tears. Anyway...
my Sir has pushed me hard as far as humiliation goes. i am shy and very private as well as a big chicken so this can and is very hard for me at times. He is much more into it than i am,lol. It's a turn on to a degree but not like a nice thick belt across my fanny!
i have had tasks like flashing on the highway, driving on the main highway with my shirt gaping open for 100 miles, alot of what He calls simple. But to me, it takes me awhile to get the nerve up.
Safety is always both of our concern as is people in public, family, co workers...stuff like that. As denuseri said, comfort and being turned on are 2 things to consider as well.

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Originally Posted by denuseri

Other than being just plain exciting (I am a big time humili slut) humiliation is also sometimes used as a training technique to help confer focus and trust unto one's submissive and or potential slave. By repetition in different scenarios a sub builds trust in his or her dominant, when the dominant in question doesnt force the sub to go beyound those preagreed levels. Focus is achieved as well, during humiliation play, unless a dominant is being indulgent, or simply prefers to see their sub plead and baulk at some commands, the sub eventually can learn to stop worrying about the eyes of others and focus on their dominant and the task at hand instead.

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As always denuseri I find your comments insightful and instructive. I found this para particularly interesting as I think trust plays such an enormous part in all relationships and I guess, especially D/s.

It's probably been better expressed above, but yes, it's all about communication. You want to please your Master, of course, but he should also want your humiliation to be pleasurable for you. Make sure you report clearly to him what each experience was like for you. If he is a caring Master, he will modify future assignments accordingly, though this isn't to say he won't continue to test your boundaries. But always remember that you do have the right to say No.

To me this skirts dangerously close to territory that should be left alone. The subjective issue in humiliation is that not every sub is humiliated by the same thing. I may thrill at receiving my Masters golden nectar all over my face and body and another sub would never think of every allowing this to happen to her. Some subs crave the humiliation of name calling - others may find it devastating to their self-esteem and wonder what their Master truly thinks of them if he can call them such things.

If you, as a sub, have a burning need for a certain type of humiliation, respectfully ask for it and, as stated above, communicate at all times. If the attempt is made and it crashes and burns, be sure to talk about it afterwards, too, to make doubly sure you know how Master feels about you and no negative impact occurs.

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Originally Posted by ian 2411

Where do you as a submissive draw the line at public or private humiliation, either in game inside or outside the home? Actual or verbal what would you not do under any circumstances, think extreme. Bearing in mind that private humiliation in my question involves one other person to be present, and they could be either male or female. The question may be answered in part or in full.

Regards ian 2411

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Personally, I do not like public humiliation. I am a VERY independant woman and while I enjoy giving myself over completely, I don't think I could handle public humiliation. We keep our play indoors.

Some (as I eliquently call them) my "Hell-No-Limitations" are piss and shit. My husband and I are both in the process of discovering other limitations. We're trying out first cuck session tomorrow(him as bottom) and depending how that goes is going to change how much farther we go. We both love name calling, and there are NO limitations to that. Submissive positions during sex. Orgasm control(though idk if that's humiliating to everyone). Forcing my husband to cum on himself. Him finishing on me. Being fucked even when I say stop.... What I mean is me saying stop but not using the safety word. Pretending I dont want to when part of me does. I get of on being taken advantage of. To each her own I suppose :)

I know Midori has a well-respected position on this. I haven't heard the whole thing, I've only heard her summarize it. The idea, though, is that a person's psyche is like an architectural edifice - some columns and pillars are load-bearing and others aren't. If you want to remodel your house, you can take down some walls because they're not load-bearing, but if you take down a structural one, the whole house will crumble. She says the psyche is like this too. People have all kinds of constructs that are important to them - appearance, position in the community, competence, intelligence, whatever. Some of these are actually central to the person's sense of self - load bearing columns, so to speak. You can play around with humiliation by tearing down a lot of the person's internal structure, you ugly stupid cunt, but if you tear down a part of the person that is really central to them, you can destroy them in a not-fun way. So the key is to know what's central TO THAT PERSON and what's merely important but decorative, as it were, and leave the structural stuff alone.

It's worth tracking this down and getting the original though.

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Originally Posted by leah06

I know Midori has a well-respected position on this. I haven't heard the whole thing, I've only heard her summarize it. The idea, though, is that a person's psyche is like an architectural edifice - some columns and pillars are load-bearing and others aren't. If you want to remodel your house, you can take down some walls because they're not load-bearing, but if you take down a structural one, the whole house will crumble. She says the psyche is like this too. People have all kinds of constructs that are important to them - appearance, position in the community, competence, intelligence, whatever. Some of these are actually central to the person's sense of self - load bearing columns, so to speak. You can play around with humiliation by tearing down a lot of the person's internal structure, you ugly stupid cunt, but if you tear down a part of the person that is really central to them, you can destroy them in a not-fun way. So the key is to know what's central TO THAT PERSON and what's merely important but decorative, as it were, and leave the structural stuff alone.

It's worth tracking this down and getting the original though.

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Wow, that's a great way to think about it. There are certain things my master won't say to me because it brings back memories from my abusive childhood - he can say things like "You exist for nothing but to be my little fuck hole" or "You dirty little whore" but if he calls me a worthless cunt or useless or anything like that, it would probably bother me and I'd say something to him later.

Hi folks, as a sub male i think that my need for humiliation is about getting some balance in my life. At work i am a manager and leader with a team who enjoy working for me and i am pleasent and helpful. But in my sex life i crave s&m and part of the thrill is being humiliated, but in certain ways.

What i have noticed is that my craving for humiliation has increased as my ability to be beaten has reduced as i cant be marked.

I see humiliation as another outlet for my submission.

James

wow i find this very insightful as a newb I have some real issues with humiliation I think I need to discuss with my mr soon. Thankyou all

While I find this topic extremely interesting, I don't believe, psychologically speaking, that it can be properly termed humiliation if the sub is turned on by whatever is being done to them. In that case, I prefer to think of it as nothing more than another kink. While the sub may display signs of humiliation while a certain act is performed on them, such as blushing, as long as they also simultaneously experience arousal during that act, I don't think it's humiliation.
That being said, if another sub were to look in on this scenario as it was being played out, and found the act to be degrading, the "peeping tom" could call it humiliation, but not the sub on whom the act is being performed.
If, on the other hand, the sub on whom the act is being performed found it to be humiliating, to me, not only is that humiliating, it's also abuse. In that case, the sub should speak up and call a halt to the scene. That's what SSC and RACK are all about. This also points up the fact that individuals should talk before-hand about limits and be absolutely clear about what is permitted and what is off limits.
I realize this is a semantic argument, but the distinction, I believe, is an important one.

By that logic, no one should be spanked, paddled, or flogged. If it hurts, even welts or bruises... it must be abuse.

Of course it's a kink... and why would you invalidate the legitimacy of those who like being taken down a notch?

And let's not forget the root of the word. Humility. Humble.

Just as some people enjoy being forced to submit sexually... some people enjoy being "forced" to be humble.

Totally with Oz. That's like saying it's not pain if I enjoy it. I promise you, it is.

It may sound boosting, but i can't see myself drawing lines to my Mistress. If she calls me a filthy skunk it is OK with me, if she gives me her excrement to eat i will eat it, and if she leads me naked in the campus in sight of all students i will go. Only i am sure she won't do any of these, being the sweet person she is. SHE is drawing the lines, i needn't even know where they are. I think i am very inexperienced yet, you are free to laugh, i won't be offended.

Personnaly, humiliation or even just humiliating fantasies entertained in the privacy of my own room is enough to arouse me. So, wether the «scene» is humiliating for one and not the other is irrelevant.

Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, humiliation is in the MIND of the beholder.

Thus, even if the beholder is earning arousal from the perception, it is nevertheless the humiliating feeling that is the key to his/her arousal.

I for one enjoy DIY humiliation; no one is imposing it on me. I am the one dishing out the pain, the restraint, the incomfort, the humiliating position and eventualy the relief mechanism (the duration having been previously set)

This is a fascinating conversation. :)

I am not so much into humiliation play. I don't mind if He calls me slut as long as it is "MY slut" and not "A slut". There is a distinction. I can be whatever He wants me to be, as long as I am His.

That said, there are a few words / phrases from prior abuse that I would not react well to, and we've discussed those.

I enjoy it when He holds my neck in public places. When He pulls my hair in public places. We have a discreet collar which I enjoy wearing and wish I could wear more often.

I wouldn't mind if He showed more dominance over me in public (leashing me, etc.) if it were in front of others into this lifestyle who would understand. Strangers are also not as threatening. My problems come when it is front of people who know me, but do not share the kink. My being lessened in the eyes of family or friends is not acceptable. But, He understands and agrees with this. He is not trying to take away my personal power, quite the contrary.

So, public humiliation isn't something we'd do often, if at all. And with both of us not really into it to begin with, it'd be more like "embarrassment" than "humiliation" anyway. :D

I think as a sub there is no humiliation. How far are you willing to go to please your Master? How much are you willing to give your Master? How bad do you want to be your Masters slave? All of that is answered by you volunteering to be the slave. My Master knows the limitations and that she has none. I am there to serve her and if for some reason she is not satisfied she chains me down and has her way with me. Punishment is our communication tool and as a result I the slave will always learn the right way. I don't always do everything right, I am not like my Master, I am expected to screw up just not twice. All in all I agree with everyone above.;)

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Originally Posted by My Masters Toy

I think as a sub there is no humiliation. How far are you willing to go to please your Master? How much are you willing to give your Master? How bad do you want to be your Masters slave? All of that is answered by you volunteering to be the slave. My Master knows the limitations and that she has none. I am there to serve her and if for some reason she is not satisfied she chains me down and has her way with me. Punishment is our communication tool and as a result I the slave will always learn the right way. I don't always do everything right, I am not like my Master, I am expected to screw up just not twice. All in all I agree with everyone above.;)

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So nothing that would turn your face red?
Anything goes?

Turn you over her knee and receive a bare-assed spanking?
In front of a sibling?
Co-workers?
Parents?
Your own children? (if you have them?)
It's all good?