A E-mail I dont plan to send, but that I wrote at 4:30 this morning
Below is an E-mail to my ex girl friend which I never plan to send. I just need to know that its ok, that I have a right to be angry, and that I should expect better from here on out.
Emily,
I am requesting that you return the cards I gave to you. I would like them returned so that I can destroy them, both because they were written by me under a state of drug induced duress and because even if I had clearly meant what I said, you are undeserving of the praise, love and sentiments written within.
You are undeserving for many reasons. You do not deserve my trust because you have betrayed me hundreds of times. The entire time we dated you regaled our mutual friend Alex with almost constant complaints about me. You did this seeking some sort of affirmation for your self indulgent demands and you lied and embellished. You have since continued this process. Doing the same thing to Steve, Illana, Cristina, Norah, over and over agian you sought to make friendships through lies and betrayals of our intimacy and my confidence. I can only imagine what you have said of me to Chris... but to think about this makes me sick beyond all belief, that you would ever believe that was OK, makes you the worse kind of narcissistic monster.
Your insensitivity in the wake of our break up, your claim that after we broke up you ceased to be responsible for my feelings, is the worst kind of self indulgent nonsense. Its the same pile of shit you laid on Adam Pekarsky, the same pile of shit you laid on Guilliame. You sought me out, twice, seeking to abuse me and make me feel the pain you wanted to force me to share. You masked your intentions with talk of books (something fucked up for a whole different reason which we will discuss), with talk of my abnormality at not wanting to leave messages in public forums, messages that would be decisive, that would hurt our mutual friendships, all things meant only to gain the attention of other people. Well you have gotten your attention, how does it feel? I will chose not to discuss your new, "friends," their ulterior motives or the awful things you have said about them in the past, that make me firmly believe you don't truly respect them. Mostly I do this because I can't trust you to keep our communications between us, in fact it turns out I never could, another of your betrayals.
And now onto the question of Alex. I have to say, the fact that you are devastated by Alex's betrayal gives me considerable satisfaction, in that you are so selfish to believe that you aren't deserving of it. You shared intimate details of our life together with Alex. Things that if I had ever known you were doing so I would have never continued our relationship. I would have broken up with you almost immediately, had I any clue the shear amount of trust you had violated. And here we come to your constant claim, "I can't have a best friend who I tell everything too?" The answer is no, it has always been no, and anyone with any appreciation for the trust required between two people in a relationship would agree with me. Furthermore, there are somethings you didn't tell Alex about, things you knew he would never affirm, things you couldn't get from him, not because he was in love with you, but because he recognized how immoral, unfair, reckless and insensitive they were. So you turned to Steve, Illana, and Cristina. You labeled Alex a homophobe and curmudgeon, some one out of touch with his own and other people sexuality. You accused him of seeing sickness in your behavior, not because you were being self indulgent, hurtful. reckless, and deceitful (ALL ARE THE CASE), but because he was jealous. So you passed off the blame, decided that your betrayal didn't really exist, because I had no right to the information, all the while you spoke to half a dozen people about your trip, all of whom knew me, two of whom were coming to visit me, both were close friends.
Your live journal post was so disgusting and egregious, so self serving and insulting, so sick that it made me want to vomit and still does. I had spent months having anxiety attacks because all you did was tell me it wasn't good enough. I faced near financial ruin to return to be with you and you wrote about the small sweetness of some one removing your shoes. The demented nature of this post... I regret ever trying to make you happy. And to imagine for months I sat in Little Rock after sending you on your way in January agonizing over you an me. Wanting so much to actually love you and make you happy, going so far as to withdraw myself from any other relationship, because our friendship and your feelings meant that much... Think about that when you say that you had no responsibility to me the week after we broke up, think long and hard.
And now onto you and Chris. You consorted with some one who proposed having sex with you. You knew full and well how much this bothered me, and to claim that because I never said it outright you could never truly know is self serving nonsense. You cheated on me. You did it emotionally by seducing another man and I will never believe that you tried your hardest to save our relationship while you talked to him about me. Your level of dishonesty in this regard is so hurtful because you continue to claim that you were in your right, in your right to seduce another man, to allow yourself to stray, to lie to me with silence. You are a sick person to think that I should ever be ok with this betrayal and you are even more fucked up to parade around with him in front of our mutual friends. You should hide your head in shame for this deception, one which I have kept to myself, as you mascaraed as some sort of hurt party.
Which brings me to the most egregious thing you have done. The moment where I lost all regard, all love, and all care and retreated into a state of utter disgust. The moment when i realized that you don't truly understand what it means to "love" and "care" for another person. I told you in plain, simple English, that I was devastated you were going to the Fetish Flea with Steve and Chris. That the loneliness I felt when contemplating that moment superseded any I had ever had. The reason, because for me that aspect of our relationship was intimate, beautiful, meaningful, and a matter of trust. I have walked around for 12 years in a state of unfulfilled loneliness. Not knowing whether the desires I held could ever be realized with another person. Not being able to trust another person, to share those desires had ruined relationships that had meant something to me. I was lonely, when I should have felt most whole. And then I shared a part of myself with you that I had never told anyone else. When I did that I imparted you with a part of myself so fragile, so private, and so sensitive. And what did you do with it? What did you do with the beautiful moments we shared, alone together, in trust and love? You used them as a weapon, and this in unforgivable.
You found Chris at a munch, you pursued him on Fetlife (a website you told me would be good for our relationship), and you to this day study my profile concocting further ways to hurt and abuse me emotionally. Even after I told you on many occasions the importance of this aspect of relationship being private, you openly read books about kink in front of mutual friends and colleagues (knowing that I objected), you wore your collar (a collar that was supposed to be a symbol of love and trust) to a Halloween party in front of my friend and colleagues, and you discussed intimate aspects of our sexual relationship with people I don't like or trust and people I do. And most recently, against my wishes, in some sort of sick attempt to retaliate against me for calling on Alex to be my friend amidst the loneliness, you invited all of my colleagues to join you at the Flea, effectively outing me and treating this intimate part of our relationship like a carnival. This is egregious in both its betrayal of my trust and your malignancy at destroying my friendships with other people. There is no right minded person who would ever doubt that they all assume things about me, all of which may not be true, but the seed has been planted and you have turned an intimate aspect of our relationship into a sick game to hurt me. I wonder what people in the "community" would think of this? I wonder what other people, people who have had marriages collapse, suffered unimaginable loneliness, or seen friends hurt and even kill themselves, dealing with a similar emptiness and the loneliness. When you talk of how progressive and accepting just remember that what you did, by outing me and before my friends in despicable. Your lies about Chris, the fact that you used the "community" as an excuse to troll for another man is so petty compared to this betrayal of personal trust. I hope one day you reflect upon what you have done and realize that when you asked, "Are you mad at me again?" you already knew the answer, you already knew why, and you were once again fishing for attention, at the cost of everyone around you, and at the cost of what little love I had left.
