Just realizing I was in an abusive relationship...

I recently got out of a very vanilla relationship that lasted for almost 6 years... It's taken my a few months to realize how abusive and manipulative the relationship was, especially since last night was the first night I've been with another man since.

Last night I realized what a good man, and especially what a good Dom is. The man I was with wanted to have a discussion on limits immediately and was perfectly fine with not having penetration sex that night and automatically asked things like "Is this ok?" and "say when" before and during the session. He especially wanted to know how good I was at saying no or 'when' (which can be iffy at times)

Being submissive, I let my former boyfriend manipulate and control me and I did things that I didn't want to do because I didn't want a fight or conflict - a couple of times causing injury to myself (like having rough sex when I wasn't feeling well which almost landed me in the hospital) not to mention the emotional abuse he heaped on me because he didn't understand why I didn't have or want to have a more dominant personality. He would try to teach me to be dominant and then turn around and manipulate me because he knew I couldn't say no very well. There was so much dysfunction I can't even relate it all, plus I've been unraveling novels worth of lies...


I almost cried when I got home, not because I was upset particularly, but because I feel like I let myself miss out on something so great for so many years. I was always one of those women who swore they would never let a man abuse them and didn't really understand why women stayed with abusers. Hindsight and all that...

I really hope that this new relationship, which is at a friendship sort of level right now, progresses at a good pace. He's a great and intelligent guy who really is earning my respect and I'm glad I found him.

I was wondering if anyone else here has had a similar experience and would want to relate it?

I havent hun but I wish you all the best and hope its what you want and need. Don't rush and stay safe. Hugs

i have been there as well, and partly i have realized much of what was wrong with the prior relationship by comparison to my current. i am happy things are better for you as well and i wish you much happiness and healing.

First off let me say Thank you for sharing I can imagine that was hard for you comming to the realization that you had and congratulations for being able to recognize it now.. I am happy that you have found yourself a Kind Dom to help you get thru it.. please becareful and rememeber to try and set limits N negotiations .. Sounds like he is about that too though.. As times goes you will start to look at things all diffrently with your relationship with your former and i hope that you growth infinitly, Hopefully it will have helpped you to find a voice in the end.. Good luck N Best wishes..

This will sound odd as it wasn't a sexual relationship, but I had exactly that - years and years of insidious yet deeply destructive abuse - with my family.

It's the nature of relationships like that, that seem apparently healthy and fulfilling at the time until that certain line is crossed, that people tend not to appreciate the full extent of their destructiveness upon them until well after the event itself. And often not until you experience something that isn't destructive and abusive and suddenly have a benchmark to compare your own experiences with.

Once the revelations pass (and they never will completely), it will get easier. Give yourself time to make the comparisons and to understand how you are reacting to the things you now remember. Also consider how such things were masked from you for such a long time.

But, most importantly, know that you're one of the few who got out. That took balls, and it doesn't matter how long it lasted or how humiliated you feel now; the truth is that the vast majority of abuse victims stay that way (for whatever reason).

It'll get easier. And as awesome as this new guy sounds, bear in mind that it's your journey and you need to understand where you've been while you make busy with moving forward.

You'll be fine, kiddo. x

Thanks everyone for all the encouragement, it's really helped me out a lot. It's probably going to be hard going for a little while but at least I have people who care online and off. I spent the day reconnecting with a friend who had been lied to by him and lied about to me - it was a day of unraveling knots and having fun too.

-To JDs, the first thing my new Dom friend wanted to do was set limits and negotiate! It was great to have that experience after having so little control. People outside of 'us' don't realize how much control a sub has in a session - they think that we only want our control taken away completely!

Congratulations for getting out. And best wishes in your recovery... sounds like you're on your way to a new and wonderfully healthy life!

i can relate to your situation so much. i was with a guy for three years who completely took advantage of my submissive nature and used me for all i could give him. i was an emotional mess the whole time.. and my self esteem was so low i thought i deserved everything he did to me. i told myself my whole life i wouldnt let anyone do that to me.. but it ended up happening anyways.

i finally found out that he was with other girls as well as me.. and i ended things for good. im so happy now that i have found the one that i truly think i'm meant to be with. he is my master and my love.. and i couldnt be happier. :)

good luck with everything i'm sure it will work out great :)

I was in a long term vanilla relationship for 6 years total. He wasn't dominant by any means but he was emotionally abusive, demeaning and demanding. I spent the majority of the relationship paying 90% of all the bills while he spent his money on whatever he wanted (going out, games, just whatever) while I always got stuck with the bills. He'd manipulate and guilt me into doing whatever he wanted, and was this bottomless pit of need, while I was at one point fiercely independent and confident. He broke me down to the shell of who I once was until I scarcely recognized myself. I gave up my first pick college for him to stay home, I gave up friends, and family members all for him. And while I blame myself more than him for trying to pacify him b/c it was the easy way out.

When I finally ended it, permanently, (we broke up like 3 or 4 times) and I had my son (whom he never sees or takes care of), I felt so broken because it dawned on me how much I lost because of my relationship with him. I felt so worthless, and hallow after everything I realized I wasn't anymore, it took some time for me to recover. I didn't grieve over the end of our relationship, I grieved for the loss of myself. I had killed and buried her for the "sake of the relationship" and have spent the last 14 months remembering what "she" felt like.

The Owner I have now, (who my son calls Daddy) is amazing. He's everything a man is suppose to be, a hard-worker, a provider, a protector and a caretaker. He's kind and encouraging and patient with me and my problems. And he wishes I'd let him kick my ex's ass into next week.

I notice even subtle differences in how he always walks closest to the road when we take walks, "so if a car gets to close it'll be more likely to hit him and not me." The biggest flag of difference for me was that his brother got rude with me one night after having one too many drinks and my Owner whipped around on his brother and told him very sternly "You will address her with respect and care or you will not speak to her at all, period." When i said something later that I by no means expected him to offend his brother over little old me, he said that his job is to protect me, even if it's from his own family. He will not stand by and let someone disrespect, demean or mistreat me. That's what men do.

And it took me ending things with my ex and moving on to realize that I wasn't ever with a man, I was with an impetuous child who was manipulative and cruel. And I'm much stronger for letting go and moving on.

thank you so much for sharing your story. i have been in a similar situation- when i told a vanilla boyfriend that i was into kinky things and a Male/female dynamic, he used it as an opportunity to abuse me for years. i didn't know at the time what 'real' Doms were like, so i accepted what he was doing because i thought i was getting what i had asked for.

It wasn't until i'd found out about actual, safe and consensual BDSM that i realised what was happening to me was abuse.

Like you, i've now found a Partner who respects and cares for me, along with my submission.

I actually talk to a psychologist who is a strong advocate for exploring BDSM in safe, sane and consensual means because it requires explicit communication, trust and willingness to explore your needs and that of your partners. All building blocks for a strong, health relationship.

She said that it's very common for people who define themselves as submissives or slaves in the D/s realm to be abused in vanilla relationships. Often not openly, but through manipulation, demeaning behavior and usually emotionally or verbally. B/c it's easy to dismiss those things, the submissive makes excuses and defends the other person. That girls like me are by far not alone, especially not in the D/s world.