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Hey A/all,
I am new to the BDSM world, and have had something of a rough start. I want to share that, honestly I'm looking to vent a bit. Here's a link to a blog I started on it:
http://waonderer.blogspot.com/
That'll save a ton of space rather then copy it to the forum here.
I'm looking for honest opinions and advice, if you wanna tear me a new one feel free too - just include advice on what to do rather then going into a rant.
-Sullied
Opinions:Quote:
Originally Posted by sullied
“The best-laid plans of mice and men
Gang aft agley (=often go wrong).
And leave us naught but grief and pain
For promised joy.” -- Robert Burns
You did the right thing by not scening when you didn't feel up to it.
Now you have lots of guilt, because of what happened after that.
Advice:
Forgive yourself and release the toxic guilt from your system.
We all make mistakes.
Remember the lesson, cause history tends to repeat when we forget.
Set yourself up for success next time.
* If you aren't up to doing a scene, don't.
* Agree beforehand if you will or won't watch her scene with someone else.
* Agree if you will be there for her aftercare.
* Follow through.
It sounds like you could use some aftercare.
Here's a long distance hug, rubbing your back and
saying those nice soothing words:
"It's okay, it will be better next time. You can do it."
Best wishes,
Ruby
I'm having a hard time understanding what the problem here is. So, I've a few questions to try and help me see the light before I offer any advice.
- Who was the person that did the scene at the party? What was her relationship to the poster of this thread?
- Does the poster of this thread have any real-time BDSM experience, or is his experience purely online?
- Why the bad reaction to the person at the party having a scene with someone else? I don't get it.
- Has the poster of this thread tried explaining any of this to the person that did the scene at the party? Or is the poster here just using this as a format to vent frustrations without seeking any actual help? Again, I don't get it.
At this point I have no advice for this person at all. Except to perhaps recommend some therapy for the overdeveloped sense of guilt and persecution from which he seems to suffer. With more specific information, I might be able to offer some advice later.
Hi, hon. I'm with Tourguide on this. You talk about your feelings reacting to what happened but you don't actually say what happened. It's very hard to understand what's going on for a reader.
I'm really sorry you had a bad experience. Hopefully you'll clarify for us what actually happened so we can do much better to give you any advice, suggestions and comfort.
I'm going to join TG and flicka on this. We don't need real names, but a way of naming the various people involved and an idea of who did what to whom and what the relationships and agreements between them were would be best.
Talking about your own feelings is good, and it has obviously helped some, but outsiders need to know more details of the real stuff you reacted to. This isn't out of any attempt to breach people's privacy, but just so we can understand to offer any advice we might have.
I've found that people misunderstand my own concerns where I don't explain exactly what I was concerned about.
Spike
1. A friend, that is all our relationship was at the time.Quote:
Originally Posted by BDSM_Tourguide
2. I have r/t experience.
3. I don't have an answer to that yet, what I can tell you is that my "defend your friends" alarm went off, and because it was a consentual scene I had to squelch that reaction. It was an odd reaction to have, it had never occured before in regards to anything. I'm sure I'll have the exact answer eventually, dealing with this has been go thru all the layers, and I've yet to reach the center. I'm not really trying to make that an issue here, in a nushell I'm trying to say that I wasn't entitled to those feelings and actly rashly and selfishly. If you talk w/ the lady involved in the scene she'll tell you that basically the scening at the party was very poorly done, and it being my first play party she wouldn't have expected me to have a good reaction to what I saw there. One of the things that kills me most is she scened, because I'm new to the lifestyle and being friends she wanted to show me what a good scene could be like.
4. I've talked with my friend who was involved in the scene, I talk about that in the blog, apologized explained myself - it helped to an extent. I'm not so sure I can "find help" in dealing with this. No one I've talked to, even the more esoteric people, understand what type of standard I hold myself to, and to what extent that was violated by my actions at the party. The standard that I am holding myself to(that applies in this instance) is that my friends and loved ones come first, in this case I allowed MY emotions to get the best of me and allowed them to force my reactions.
-Sullied
The person that I keep refering to was a friend at the time, the person who topped them at the party was one of our local group leaders. I do not know the specifics of any agreements that were made, wasn't part of negotiation, but I know they set limits and set a safeword. If you need a way of refering to them just call them top and bottom, that way there is a differentiation there.Quote:
Originally Posted by spike
I hope I answered everyone's questions. If I didn't I can try again later.
-Sullied
sullied;
welcome to the forum in spite of the motivation.
My commentary:
I think your feelings may stem from lack of faith in your ability or experience or both. I see you refer to this person as a friend. a few phrases you wrote however triggered something. I see jealous and or pride and the resulting negligence from these emotions on your part.
the key phrases I see are phrases like:
"I've tried to convince myself that my friend in the scene did not fly"
"So what I've found is someone who is my lover, my slave, and also to a certain extent my teacher"
"she thought of being topped by the party host and what the differences were between me and him"
"I was glad to hear that I am a better top then the fellow at the party and she enjoys being with me much more."
I believe these are the foundations of your primary and secondary emotions, and the outcome of these emotions.
The next part that I find interesting is your first statement that you are a Dominant and she is a bottom (even if more experienced then you) You did also offer yourself up for penece, this makes me question if you are a Dominant or a switch. Not that it is a negative that you are, but it does raise the question.
The next point on that topic is to hold the tool and use it or the desire to use it doesn't make you dominant. Sadist maybe. But do you Top for the pleasure of the bottom? If so maybe you should reflect on what I said.
If you did not feel up to sceneing, why? was it fear of your ability? fear of being watched? Where you drinking before the party? Was your arm sore? where you just not in the right head space?
Public scening, especially for a self proclaimed egoist, is a daunting task and a challange to say the least. You expect perfection of yourself yet you know you are not at that point yet, you felt pressured to scene for her sake yet and did not feel adequate to the task.
If your friend was yours at the party, the one that asked you for permission and the one you referred to as "my lover, my slave" Have you spoken about sceneing with other people?
I have a few other points and questions on the topic. But I will leave them and see your reply first.
If I had to choose between jealousy and pride as a basis for my reaction that night I would say pride. To this day I have no interest in having been the person holding the whip. I will freely admit that jealousy could be part of the "Did she fly issue", though I know it feels more like my pride was hurt over that then anything else. My pride/ego took a bigger hit that night, then anything I've experienced before if that is what you're getting at. I am a very proud person, and that felt incredibly terrible.
The statement of offering myself for penance comes from the simple fact I believe in corporeal punishment, even outside the bounds of BDSM. As far as being a switch, I really don't know - I don't think so. The only time I've ever thought of myself as being sub to someone is if I could fulfill a role similar to a samurai w/o any of the sexuality involved.
As far as holding/using the tool. I have almost no interest in activities like that, I've never fantasized about them or given it much thought really. I would/could/am doing it because I love them and care for them and know that is what they want and need - so I fulfill that role. I would be a liar if I said there weren't a couple things I'd like to try, but I don't top to be a
sadist. I love holding her to me when she flies, being there waiting for her, taking care of her afterwards, and knowing the kind of positive releasing experience that has been for her. If it weren't for that, I could leave the flogger behind w/o an regret or thinking I was missing something. I also enjoy watching her grow under me, using the power I have over her to take her from being scatter brained to having a focus and driving effort in life and see the benefits from that.
I was worried about my lack of ability that night, but also I had just watched a scene before hand that left me feeling rather dragged out and I wasn't in the "headspace" as you put it to want to scene.
The bottom at the party, at the time she was my friend, NOW she is my sub/slave. To a certain extent she was subbing to me at the party, but there was no agreed upon dynamic there - she could have done so w/o my permission and I woulnd't have given it a second thought.
I'll post on last couple of things in a bit, I gotta run.
-Sullied
I have tried to talk about the scene with the only people I feel comfortable with, and the results were less than spectacular. I've got one friend who's convinced it was the great romantic beautiful thing - because he saw positive colors coming from it... Talking with him about my negative feelings is like trying to have an intelligent conversation with a wood chuch, only makes one noise and keeps repeating it over and over again. My other friend, just seems to take a disinterest in this whole thing and I'm not going to press them for information. They are lifestyle, we just don't seem to connect on this issue.
-Sullied
There's a Freudian slip if ever I saw one. You believe in corporal punishment, but you say, 'corporeal'. The punishment you are giving yourself, though, isn't corporeal, it is spiritual.Quote:
Originally Posted by sullied
You are making yourself out to be morally at fault for not being there for her at a time when you weren't responsible for her. This is obviously not so. Are you thinking that this bad scene wouldn't have happened if you'd made her your slave earlier? Or that it still would have happened? The first is playing what-if and can never make sense. The second is lack of confidence in your own moral sense and needs some deeper therapy than we can offer here, I think.
I feel for you, sullied. Not everyone can be as moral as they set out to be. I've been there too and can only say, 'Be better next time'.
Spike
I haven't given it consideration as to whether or not making her mine earlier would have made a difference. If that were the case then the night would have progressed VERY differently, and I don't think we'd be having this conversation, prolly different one - like what I learned about that night or something perhaps more jovial.
I don't know about the freudian slip...I think I just didn't know the proper word to use, but I can't argue the fact I'm beating myself up spiritually over this.
You are correct that I was not responsible for her at the party, but the agreements that I've made within myself make me responsible to be there for my friends at the times when I can. I left, because I couldn't hack the scene, that is what's killing me. I let my own feelings cloud my judgement. Somehow I think I may have answered something right there, but I'll leave that open for discussion.
"It's easier to stand for one's principles, than it is to live up to them"
-Can't remember who said that but I agree.
-Sullied
This why I made the point I did about jealousy I think you WANTED her to be yours at that party, and I think if only in pretense of being there with you made you feel i some way she was, then when she scene'ed with the host it established in your mind that she wasn't. You felt the obligation of responsibility for her as if she was yours at least under your protection. That is my perception of it all.
I am not sure what I felt during that night in respect to whether or not she was mine. I can say this though, we had talked about scening before the party and maybe about doing something there. It came to crunch time and I couldn't do it or wasn't interested in doing it any more. Giving it more thought now, I think maybe I felt I'd wimped out or something (other words escape me right now). OK, I think maybe now I'm ready to admit I was jealous. I was jealous because he was doing something I wanted to do, but wimped out of doing, I think anyways...what an interesting way for me to interpret jealousy.Quote:
Originally Posted by Eraser
-Sullied
I think this is why both the sight and the sound effected you so much... :)Quote:
Originally Posted by sullied
I'm glad to see you making emotional progress through the pain.
Well, you should because it's badly organized enough for anyone who wants to find something about a party among several posts with non descriptive artsy titles.Quote:
Originally Posted by sullied
Don't get me wrong, it's a fine blog. It's just not made to be searched within so better come up here with the right section. However, by browsing a bit I see an awful lot of I, I, I's, me, me, me... that could be an explanation track of why bad things happen.
Somehow I am too :pQuote:
Originally Posted by Eraser
I had never thought before that jealousy and dissappointment w/ myself would manifest itself in such a violent angry manner. I think I may have to start respecting jealousy a little bit more or I may find myself in this trap again, sometime later one and not even BDSM related.
-Sullied