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i have put this thread in the submissive coach and though that i would turn the tables i have put this thread on another site and i am just interested to see what replies that i get back on here so here is the question how would you cope and would you look for another sub/slave
If you lost your (insert name of any important part of your life- partner, pet, etc...) would we know if/when/ever it was the right time for you to reconnect on that level?
I've had three deaths of people very close to me, my best friend in high school, my wife, and one of the girls I was in a band with. I'll relate all three of them to you so you can try and understand where I'm coming from.
My friend Kelly, we all called her Kiwi, or Peaches, was abused and molested as a teen, by her father. When she was 17 she ran away from home, dropped out of school, and disappeared. We'd been close, we'd been through a lot of teen drama and coming of age bullshit together while we'd been in school together, and had a lot of history watching out for each other. I ran into her a couple of months after she'd left home. She'd spent her time away from the house squatting with friends and moving from place to place every few days, sleeping under a bridge when she had nowhere to stay... so I let her stay at my place, explained what was going on to my mother and let her have the couch for about 6 months.
A couple of weeks before we turned 18, we decided to go out one night, around midnight. I think it was a Sunday night, but I'm not really sure... it could have been a Tuesday for all I remember. Anyway, we stopped at a gas station to buy some drinks and have a couple of cigarettes, since we were hoofing it a couple of miles to go meet up with some buddies of ours.
Well, we got picked up for curfew sitting outside this gas station. Cops called her dad and made her go home. A couple of weeks go by, I called her up for her birthday (11/18, a week before mine), and things ended up ugly between me, her, and her dad. A few more weeks go by, and on the 21st of December I get a call at 3am. She's freaking out, screaming at me, and crying about killing herself... I've got her on the phone, I'm trying to get pants on, and and *BAM*, gunshot.
I fucking flipped. I hit 140 on four lane road and blew through every light on the way to her house, cops in tow... I don't know what the hell I was thinking, I don't actually remember anything between hearing the gun go off, and breaking into her room.
The sad part about this is that I never got to deal with it. Because of the estranged relationship I had with her family after she was sent home, I didn't go to the funeral. I'm not even sure where she's buried.
My coping mechanism for that was to run away, from everything. I spent most of the next year avoiding as much human contact as possible, in the most remote places I could get to.
--
Next death was my wife. I was 19, my two best friends found out what I was up to and came to pull me back into life. They talked me into coming back, getting back into the band we'd had going, getting my shit back together. So I came back. When I got back I found out one of the girls in the band was going to England, indefinitely. I was caught in this precarious place where I didn't want to find somebody new, and I didn't want to do it without her... I also had a special kind of relationship with this girl, not romantic, but almost like there was a real bond between us... so I talked the entire band into following her there.
We'd been in England for a few months when I was walking around town one day and saw this girl singing a solo, a capella, in a choir group. Most amazing voice I've ever heard... when I introduced myself I managed to make a complete ass of myself. Not even in a way that could be made funny, just bad.
Fortunately I got the chance to make it up to her, got some of her friends to bring her to a show we were playing at, and brought her up on stage to play for her. We went out that night after the show, I bailed on the band, merch, the after party, everything to go walk through London with this chick. And I fell head over heals in love with everything about her.
I only dated Fiona for a few months before we got married. It was quick, it was right. I still don't feel like I was being young and stupid... I can't explain the feeling of rightness I had about doing it. There wasn't anything about her that wasn't completely amazing. We were married for just over three years.
We were wrapping up a set of gigs on the other side of the country, and she'd been at her parents for a family get together. I called her up before the show, talked for a little while. I told her how much I missed her, that I wished she was there that night, and I couldn't wait to see her. I guess she got the idea that she'd drive out and surprise me by showing up after the show. She was in a severe car wreck on the way out, and instead of seeing my wife after the show I was told she was in the hospital in Swindon.
I was perfectly fine... scared, but in control of myself... until we got there, and I saw her. Severe head trauma, facial damage, she was on life support, but already brain dead. And I completely lost it.
The next year of my life is a complete haze. I just kind of wandered through the day to day stuff. All of the passion I'd had for music went away. I stopped taking care of myself. I just didn't care about anything.
That was about four years ago, and I still haven't had a serious relationship since. Until very recently I haven't even wanted to start dating again. Obviously, here I am,and I am looking again... but that's not all I have to say about this.
I came back to the states after Fiona died. I didn't want to be in England anymore, I didn't want to keep the house we had in Italy. I just didn't want that life anymore, I wanted to start over. The only two things in life I've ever liked doing were my marriage and music, but I couldn't see myself in a band and never at home again, so I switched to playing classical guitar (oh god that was hard, it was like learning to play all over again). I went back to school for it, and worked my ass off... playing now gives me this place where all of this goes away. Where I'm not thinking about any of my problems, and I can't even think about them.
A little less than two years ago I got a call from my band mate's parents. This is the girl I followed halfway around the world to be with... they told me she'd died. Massive heroin overdose, it was probably intentional.
It's hard to explain the relationship I had with this girl. We weren't ever involved. We had a one night fling before she left for the UK... before I'd made the decision to go... but it wasn't romantic in that way, it was more like saying goodbye. The way we were with each other, was almost like twins. Like we shared something very special that the rest of the world wasn't a part of. Even in my marriage, I wasn't "connected" with my wife in the same way I was with her. Something could happen, or I'd see something, or whatever, and I could tell you -exactly- what she would have thought about it, and vice versa. One of the reasons we worked so well on stage together is because we could be doing something, and I'd know exactly what she was doing before she did it; during a solo, or improv, jam session, anything, I was never surprised by anything she did. It was literally like sharing my head with somebody.
I wasn't even surprised when she killed herself. When I found out I just felt sad, and then it was gone, and I didn't feel sad anymore.
That's three people that were very close to me, and very important in my life, that I've seen pass away. I couldn't have told you before any of them happened how I'd react to it. I certainly wouldn't have predicted my reactions to any of them.
I thought I would have been far more rational about a friend dying when Kiwi shot herself.
I thought I would have been a lot more composed if (when) Fiona died -- instead I just collapsed and cried, and couldn't do anything.
I thought, or would have thought, that my mate dying would have been a lot more painful than it was.
So I don't think it's possible for someone to tell you how they'll react to the death of a loved one until it happens and they've been through it. Every death is different, and every one affects you differently. I don't even think its possible to know how you're going to handle yourself after that kind of loss.
Socal_Dan: This was NOT an easy text to read, but I do SO agree with you!! And you have my sympaty!!
A good question to ask though I would think each answer will be different as people tend to react differently.Myself I lost My /t girl/slave/mother/grandmother in oct last year.tis 6 mths on and I still feel numb and could not even envisage taking another.Let Me say she and I where together for near 40 yrs and at this moment in time I cannot see how anyone could take her place.All her stuff is still here as I havnt the will to throw it or give it away.It hurts deep down --oh sure I can paste a smiley face on easily but in truth the pain after living and loving her for so long cannot even be described--it is a case of day by day getting by and making ready for the next day without My girl by My side.I repeat this is My feelings and I expect others will feel similar after such a length of times but all will handle it in their own particular way
I dont think i would ever be the same. I just dont know. I have always had a pretty good reaction to death, but i am not sure if i would have the direction to continue, or if my heart would just stop. Damn. i dont think i have ever felt like this. My grandma was the closest person to me. and i nursed her till her death of liver cancer. I feel that close to lisa. I hope i die first, so i dont have to deal with it at all. selfish, i know, but honest.
I can't even handle when my little one and I have an argument for a few hours and things between us aren't peachy. When I once thought we might break up I fell to pieces. I think I would become a numb, empty shell of a human being if I actually lost him.
social_dan, my heart goes out to you. < : (
This is a really provocative thread, and one I wanted to reply to because I'm actually very scared right now about this becoming a real possibility for my Pet. She is severely overweight and suffering from that alongside her disability, so she also has sleep apnea (which has a surprising rate of sudden deaths) and is considering undergoing gastric bypass surgery (which, while not technically a "risky" surgery, still carries with it the possibility of mortality.)
When my first relationship ended, I thought my life was over. I could barely hold it together and I only made it through because of my Pet. Even so, I have remained friends with the boy I had been dating to this day, and that helped ease the pain. If my Pet, whom I love much more deeply than I ever cared for that boy, were to pass away, I think my heart would just break. It is very likely I would commit suicide, frankly, or have to be institutionalized due to my mental health issues. She's the glue that holds me together and I can't imagine a world without her.
That said, I'm so glad I have her here with me. I should be thankful more often.
Sounds to me like you need to be controlling her diet a little more tightly. A lot more tightly?
Amazingly difficult to do, Jennifer, though that is one of her disciplinary actions. Somehow she always wheedles or sneaks her way out of it...probably because we're in an awkward place where she holds the purse strings, giving her some power over me. I can't technically STOP her, and I surmise if I tried to restrict diet too much she'd use a safe word on me. On the other hand, she has tried to lose the weight and done so successfully (75 pounds about a year ago) but has trouble keeping it off. It's a nasty struggle.
Either way, thanks for reminding me I have power over that...and that I should use it!!
Any relationship is a delicate balance, and in reality you can never control another human being...as you stated, it's only with the person's consent. Have you ever considered going to a counselor with her? It sounds to me like she needs some kind of professional guidance concerning her diet, if it is such an issue for her health.