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Wonder how you would feel with a sub that had difficulty coming. I'm not currently in a relationship, and one thing stopping me is this issue, that because I've been hurt in the past (not in a bdsm relationship though) my body just freezes and I can't cum.
I'm actually okay with this and it's not a huge issue for me because I know why, but I feel like most doms wouldn't have the patience to deal with it
If your Dom (or Domme) is a good man (or woman) (s)he will want to work through this issue with you. Patience is one of the Dom/me's key tools, and They will want to use it to help better your life as an individual as well as Y/your lives as a D/s pair, if They are in the "good egg" category. Not all Dom/mes, of course, fall into this category, so be wary when you're choosing a Master or Mistress that the lines of communication are open, that They seem receptive to your ideas and limitations, and that They express concern for your wellbeing and physical and psychological health (and the maintenance of that health).
Not all of BDSM is about cumming. If it isn't a huge issue for you, find a Dom/me who also isn't interested in cum restriction, forced orgasm, etc. There are plenty of other kinks out there to experiment with. For example, My Pet has a physical disability, so there are a lot of things W/we can't do. However, she is fascinated by (and fearful of) My complete control of her, and it turns her on very much if I use a particular tone of voice, even without touching her. She might not cum, but the rush of endorphins and adrenaline is still there.
Don't let the issue stop you. There are plenty of Dom/mes out there who would be willing to help you with it, or even who wouldn't care that you can't cum and would be happy to get involved with you in other ways. Just remember that no matter who you choose, your Dom/me should follow the rules of safe, sane, and consensual and should respect you. It is his/her duty to do so as Dom/me, as well as to protect you and look after you. Your role as sub should simply be to serve your Master or Mistress as (s)he directs and to do so without question. If you feel like that role would make you happy, maybe cumming is not really a necessity in your D/s relationship.
Hope that helped!! Good luck.
Mallory, that was so beautifully said I really can't think of anything else to add. Just...beautiful.
Dammit, suckered into reading another 'problem with orgasming' thread. Here I thought it was going to be about some unusual problem, like a submissive that couldn't do math.
Playing Devil's advocate for a moment (I do that so often, I'm on retainer);
Just because he or she isn't interested in working through your issues doesn't mean that they are not a 'good egg'. Good people are not obligated to go around 'fixing' problems.Quote:
Patience is one of the Dom/me's key tools, and They will want to use it to help better your life as an individual as well as Y/your lives as a D/s pair, if They are in the "good egg" category.
Nonsense.Quote:
Just remember that no matter who you choose, your Dom/me should follow the rules of safe, sane, and consensual and should respect you. It is his/her duty to do so as Dom/me, as well as to protect you and look after you. Your role as sub should simply be to serve your Master or Mistress as (s)he directs and to do so without question.
1: SSC is not a structure everyone adheres to, nor are they obligated to.
2: I so hate the 'all submissives must be babied' mantra, as it's so patronizing. I generally expect the people I deal with to be adults enough to be able to reasonably look after their own selves.
3: Not every relationship is based around respect, which is fortunate for all the humiliation junkies out there. All lasting relationships are about fulfilling mutual needs. Respect is not necessarily one of those needs shared by both parties.
4: Obedience without question? Hold the phone. Unquestioned obedience is almost always a problem waiting to happen as obedience without question is action without consideration. There better be a point where the submissive questions what s/he is being told to do. Just because someone is 'dominant' doesn't mean that they are immune from errors in judgment nor will they always do the 'right' thing. A good subordinate is obedient, while a great one knows when not to be.
On the other hand, I would contend that anyone worth getting involved with should respect and care deeply for their (prospective) partner. Predatory sorts can be a problem, and even at the best of times communication can be difficult to maintain, especially if you need to be explicit about intimate desires of varying taboos.
Some people may be content with just physical satisfaction, however it is obtained. Some may want more than that.
Even when you look at humiliation, it is in a very literal sense not real. Or at least, one would hope not. What is erotic is the paradox involved- and the person you are doing it with. If it was as simple a matter as just being abused and made to feel bad, you might as well just go to work.*
If you are in a successful long-term relationship, a high level of respect is required. Less so if you are having a fling, or as a once-off, at least in theory; in practice, for the sake of one's own sanity it can only be hoped that your partner will not go too far. If they do care, at least to a point, they will take care of you within the agreed-upon bounds of the scene or relationship.
Being treated with utter contempt might be a hot fantasy for some. In reality, it is trouble waiting to happen, in much the same way as those who have non-consent fantasies or engage in such scenes do not want to be actually, truly raped.
There is still a level of role-play involved, even if it is not explicitly acknowledged, because to do so would destroy the illusion and thus eroticism of the scene, making it more or less pointless for the two (or however many, I guess) involved.
Ultimately, what it comes down to is excercising care when selecting a partner, be it for a short-term relationship or a longer-term one. SSC and RACK are useful discussion tools because their meaning is understood, but the general ethos behind them- especially that what is happening is mutually agreed upon and not intended or desired to cause lasting injury, be it physical or psychological (or, as it would seem in the original post, and Heavens forfend, both). BDSM play and relationships are not to be approached lightly.
*Joking. A little.
I think this is no more or less of a problem in a D/s relationship than in a vanilla one. I can come just fine, under carefully controlled laboratory conditions. Otherwise, I can't. And, like you, I don't find it to be a big deal and I certainly don't judge my partner based on whether he can "make" me come.
In my past life, I met some vanilla men who viewed my orgasmic abilities as a challenge to them - *I'll* make you come, baby! (But no pressure.) They felt unsuccessful when they couldn't "succeed" and I felt disappointing and unwomanly. In my present life, I met some Doms who were exactly the same way.
BUT, in both lives I also met men, vanilla and kinky, who accepted me the way I am and were able to work my own peculiar form of reaching satisfaction into our lovemaking and power exchange. So I don't think it is at all impossible to find a Dom who will respect this about you, and one who won't even try to "fix" it unless you want him to.
I would caution you, though, that there are some Doms, not all, who like to express and experience Dominance by providing a woman with many, many orgasms. I think it fits into D/s for them because it's within their control, and not hers, and they can even give her more orgasms than are comfortable for her. While I'm sure that many Doms like that would still love you and accept you the way you are, YOU might feel that you are disappointing them by not being able to surrender this thing that is important to them, that you can't "give" them the control they want in this area.
I've always enjoyed some level of delayed orgasm and temporary orgasm denial. The fact that I don't orgasm easily is a bonus to a man who enjoys this type of play also. Again, I'm not saying that you need a man like that or that you can't be with another one, I'm just saying that to some Doms, if you can reach arousal but not orgasm, at least some of the time, that's all good.
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Originally Posted by silla_the_sub
Curious...you can't have an orgasm through masturbation either? Just clarifying.
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Originally Posted by Carpe Coma
Cute. :rolleyes:
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Originally Posted by Carpe Coma
So many options:Quote:
Originally Posted by brwneydgirl
sub can't sum
sub can't sub
sub can't cum
Could've been a dyslexic question...
bus can't... but that would be a different forum...
Lol re: the math comments....I can do math, apparently I can't write
Thanks for all the comments. Mistress Mallory, I was telling myself that, that if it were a good relationship essentially it would be okay one way or the other, but I guess I needed to hear it. The last couple Doms I was with (admittedly casual relationships) really took it personally, - the type of Doms like leah described and I found that just made things worse. So I was really unsure about even trying to get involved with someone else.
I can cum usually once, alone or with a partner, but I then react to that and freeze, it's automatic. I understand why this happens, and I'm okay with it, was just concerned as many Doms do enjoy the power of controlling that response.
Anyway, thanks.
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Originally Posted by leah06
This bit tickled me. Thank you for saying it so perfectly...I could never really find the right words. :)
:dQuote:
Originally Posted by carpe coma
BTW Silla -- if it makes you feel any better, I'm a bit Switch, and I'm turned on both by having My Pet service Me and also by being tied up and forced to submit, but no matter what method is used to get Me to cum, I am only able to do it once, maybe twice, a day if that. I go through dry spells (am in one now, GRRRR) where no amount of coaxing can get My clit to perform, and I'm unable to achieve G-spot orgasms (which always annoyed My vanilla ex). So you're not alone in the sense that all women are different (as are all men; some guys can get a stiffie right after they've cum, others need hours to reload) and you just have to find what works for you.
One random tip: have you considered that it may be a result of being tense or nervous? I've found that I absolutely cannot cum if the light is on in the bedroom, if I'm totally bare and not covered by a blanket, etc etc because of issues I have with My appearance. If you're tense, that could be locking you up and keeping you from really having a good time -- and I could see how worrying about being able to perform might make you tense.
Just a thought.
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Originally Posted by MistressMallory
Hearing that made my day. Thank you....:cool:
my slave has similar issues, however there is an interesting article in last months cosmopolitan about it