Previously abused subs, I need your imput

Hey guys and girls,
So, here's my problem: I've been in several BDSM "relationships" since I was seventeen. My first experiences were actually with a private kink group in my town that I was thrown into without knowing what was going on with them. In addition to that, I was abused throughout my childhood. There's the sob story, now here's the question.

I'm in a really awesome relationship at the moment. My boyfriend is fantastic and even though he hasn't had a great deal of experience, he's a wonderful Dom. BDSM play isn't our norm as far as sex is concerned, but whenever we play, it's great and perfect. The issue I have is that I'm actually scared of playing with him in a way. I've had nothing but harsh masters for most of the time I've been into this scene. Most of them just tortured me: ignoring safe words, refusing to abide by any sort of rules, forcing me into things that I specifically told them I couldn't handle doing. I'm subject to panic attacks and many of them would make me continue even when I wasn't even mentally able to.

My dom now is nothing like that. Play is play, it's supposed to be satisfying and fun for both of us and he goes out of his way to make sure that's what happens, but I'm still terrified, waiting for that time when he won't stop, when he breaks the rules and hurts me in the way I don't crave.

What I'm wondering is if anyone here has been in this situation. If so, how do you handle it? How do you just put it behind you and let things be as they should in the now? I'm a sub, not a slave, so I can't just commit myself to a master and pretend he/she is all I've ever known, but I just wonderhow others would cope with this.

Maybe try this:
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/sh...or-submissives

HUGGGS, I always hate to hear when another person has experienced this kind of thing too.

You may find the link August supplied to be of some asisstance hon.

We cover a lot of the questions your asking in it at one point or another its our own inhouse support group thread.



My Owner has played more than just a intregal part in every step of my recovery. It takes a lot of extra patience, forsight and empathy on the part of the dominant when partnered too a submissive who has survived these kinds of tramatic events. Ive had times when the most mundane of bdsm activities were simply too much to handle or enjoy that took a lot of work for me to be able to even consider let alone do again and have fun doing them. But here I am, and if I can make it, so can you!

My first question for you is: Have you made him aware of all this?

Thank you to you both for the link, I probably should have check the threads before posting a new one.

Denu: yes, my boyfriend is actually the only one who knows everything that's gone on. We've been together for over a year and only recently started playing despite the fact that it's something we're both interested in. He's amazingly kind about it. Never once in all this time has he ever made an issue of what's gone on in my past. He's so understanding that he actually went without his favorite sex acts just because he wanted to make sure I was alright.

But that fear is still there and I hate it. It drives me mad that he always feels like he needs to be careful. And the things that set me off are so strange. Cuddling, kissing me in public, taking my hand when we're walking somewhere, vanilla sex, they send me into just as many panic attacks as our BDSM play.

I just don't know what to do. But I'll check out that other thread. Thank you so much for the tip.

The hard part for us was identifying what my triggers were and what was cuaseing them...sometimg simple that had nothing whatsoever to do with the bdsmy stuff we were doing at the time was sometimes the culprit ...like the smell of mold. or a certian song on the radio etc.

Are you getting real life help from a kink friendly therapist?

Therapists aren't really an option for me. Money issues aside, all of the community therapists I can find are attatched to religious organizations in my city (I'm a Pagan and I've been turned away by all of them). My boyfriend is a huge help, but I feel like I can't really open up to him everytime I want to because no one likes a never-ceasing sob story. He's actually the one who was showed me this forum: even while he was reading thread titles to me I was twitching out of my skin. It's hard for him because all he wants to do is make sure I'm ok and happy, but it's not always possible for me to explain things to him. How do you explain to someone who would never really hurt another human that you're terrified of saying what happened because it's been tortured into you that your pain means nothing?

Well I do know that you compound your own issues by not seeking professional help in dealing with them. There is only so much one can do via this medium in that department. The only way your going to get through a lot of this is by being proactive, and facing obvious mistruths that will cloud the way for you or self made excuses...like your pain does matter despite what you have been led to believe...aceptance of what was done and realization that it wasnt your fualt. The things that were done to you were were beyound your ability to prevent...walking the path to recovering from them however is soley within your control.

Here is a link to one of the places that helped me on my own journey that specializes in helping one find help.

http://www.aftersilence.org/

Thank you for the link denu, I'll check it out :)

As far as professional help goes, I don't have a huge amount of faith in therapy. I come from a family where almost everyone has a shrink and it never does them any good. I used to know people that were involved in the BDSM scene here, but the things I've experienced basically makes it impossible for me to reach out to the people near me. So i just try to confide in the people I trust, but it's really hard to just tell them the truth. Most of my friends were completely unaware of the fact that I was having sex, none of them knew anything about the kinkier side of my life.

But I just hope I can figure out a way past it. I know now that it takes an insane amount of trust to truly do BDSM, but I'm still having a bitch of a time getting past all the shit that's happened before. But thank you so much for your imput :)

denuseri.... I admire you and even though you are only an on-line aquaintence... I respect you greatly. I have seen you step up on subjects like this and be the best support you possibly can be. I cannot relate to any story such as this, but I get a comforting feeling knowing that there are people like you out there willing to offer words of wisdom or a shoulder. Kudos, denuseri. Kudos.

**hugs**

Thanks scarlet!

Brkndrgn: I mention all this bellow at one point or another in the support group thread too, but Im going to summurize some of it here too:

EDMR therapy was one that I found to be of personal use to me. There are a number of other viable professional treatment options. Just being able to discuss things with a kink friendly therapists who is not a famiely meber or part of the local community scene etc helped emensely.

As well as things one can try on their own to get back into the swing of thing so too speak. I found re-esposutre therapy in graduale increments to also be useful (my owner helped a lot with it) as did this site in making internal mental preperations, like talking about a paticular sex act I knew cuased triggers for me in and of itself was good. Also...re-association excersies...repetition of things I chose to try and work on with positive rewards (even if I failed in said task or order) to help me re-associate the act with a good outcome. My owner allowed me to make determinations as to what we would work on together...its really hard on the dom helping one too since they have to take a totally different approach with the submissive than traditional D/s arrangments. Some things we just couldnt get back into until I felt ready to try and some things we had to put back on the sheklf so to speak when I wasnt able to control my reactions to a given trigger.

Learning to identify ones triggers in and of itself is a gigantic advantage. Identify, understand, create a coping mechinism, test it, repeat until its an automatic sub-consious excersise...succeed! Meditation techniques helped a lot with learning how to control my responces to a lot of triggers.

I am allways available to help in whatever way I can, but this medium is limiting to a certian degree and no substitute for professional assistance...which is why Im big on one seeking help in that area as well.

You are not broken sis, and your not alone and you can be strong again too I know it!

denuseri

It is nice to see another person from aftersilence here. It is an amazing community that can be helpful in the worst of times.

I was also abused for years as a child, but am new to being submissive. One of the greatest fears is meeting a dom that would hurt me the way you have been.

I'm rooting for you resolving this issue and I think you have a gem of a boyfriend.

Best of luck, georgygl1977

Thank you guys so much for your support! I'm just taking it one bit at a time, just having hope :)

@ geo: just keep trying. Like anything else, there will be people you'll meet who might hurt you, but not all of them. Just be careful and have fun

Sorry posted in the wrong thread...

i went thru that a few years ago..with someone who really wasnt a Domme and did not approve of Lifestyle..she was, however, very violent and turned certain fetishes and acts into violence..i finally had her arrested and got an order of protection.. eventually i left the area..
i have an amazing Domme now..She is long distance at the moment and i miss sitting at Her feet and feeling Her fingers in my hair..She would never hurt me and i know that..after a time..it still creeps into my mind too...

I'm pretty sure it's the creeping that's the problem. If it was just out there all the time so that I could go "Ok, I see you, I know I'm scared, but I'll get past it", it would be so much easier. But it just comes out of nowhere most of the time. We'll be playing and I'll feel great and happy and then suddenly I'm screaming and curled up in the corner because I can't remember where I am anymore. It just sucks, I never know when something's going to set me off. Last night for instance: we were playing and he bit me on the curve of my neck (which is my favorite) and for some reason it scared me so terribly that I actually started to lose consciousness. And then later when I'd calmed down and we'd resumed, he did something by accident that normally would've sent me straight into panic and I actually enjoyed it.

It just makes one feel so insane, like you can't even control your own mind.

I'm glad you've found a Domme that makes you happy though :) it's always a relief to find someone who will treat you the way you should be treated. I hope things stay wonderful between you and her.

I understand about not being able to go to a therapist. I was sexually abused for two years when I was younger and four years of therapy did nothing to help me. But my personal for of therapy is just talking about it with other people. Just getting it out of your system and mind and out there where someone can respond helps. Keeping it locked up inside you is what hurts you. Or at least thats how I feel about it.

I had a boyfriend for the better part of four years. I told him about liking kinky things and he was okay with it at first but when I started asking him for more things or how he felt about it, he would berate me and make me feel like total shit for liking the things I did. And earlier this year I thought I would try to date this one guy. Just to give him a chance you know...and I told him up front that I didn't love him and I didn't want to have sex with him. He lied to me and told me he respected my wishes but he didn't really. He trapped me in a situation where I couldn't get out of the sex. I'm not sure if he knew that being rough would me would override my feelings and decisions because I didn't know. The whole time I couldn't do anything but think of how wrong it was and how I didn't want it but when I tried to stop him he would either do something that would cause a little pain or push the issue and I literally could not say no. I was able to get him to stop before he came inside me but I cried for the whole day afterward. It happened two more times before I could bring myself to avoid him entirely. I admit that the second time was probably my fault because part of me began to crave that little bit of hurt but I was able to stop him and I was very glad for that.

If anything that has taught me that I just can't have a normal relationship with a guy. I'm terrified of someone finding out my secret. My need for pain goes beyond my feelings and thoughts and I can't control myself when someone hurts me. I've talked to my Master about all of these things and he has been able to help me get over a lot of my issues. He makes me so happy. I feel so damn good just knowing I am accepted by him. I think when I try to meet him for real some of my issues may surface again but I'm willing to work through them with him.

Well Wiki, that just depends on your definition of "normal". One of my best friends is in a "normal" relationship. Sex in missionary or doggy style, her idea of kinky is that they watch hentai together and they have a few toys they use (mostly because he can't get her off without them). All she does is talk about how he mentions that she's gaining weight and then buys her expensive presents. I think she gets more satisfaction looking at porno mags and pretending to fuck the guys in them.

No, I can't have a relationship with any guy or girl off the street because in most cases they won't understand the way I live. The dudes freak about how many other men I've been with, the girls just want to coddle me and say "oh you poor thing!", Dom/mes don't really seem to care that I have limits that can't be crossed without consequences.

But my relationship now is just what I need, it will probably set the tone for every relationship I have in the future, because this is my normal. I need pain sometimes, I need him to choke me, to pin me down, to whip me, to let me cut so he can drink my blood. But other times, I just need him next to me while I sleep so that he can whisper that I'm safe when I'm having nightmares, or have him take me for a walk and hold my hand, or cuddle with me on the couch and run his fingers through my hair. I'm sure that not everyone would consider what I do with him
normal, but I do.

So don't feel ashamed. If pain is what you need and want, then that's what's normal for you. No one should have to hide the things they want, nothing that brings joy and satisfaction is wrong. Unless you want to have sex with little kids, but you already know that's wrong the same way I do from the sounds of it.

Just keep trying, I believe it has to be possible for people like us to find a way to be ok. And sometimes, ok is the best you can do.

Apologies by the way for calling you "Wiki" instead of "Kiwi", my phone's autocorrect is out to get me